It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

You sound delightful. ‘don’t underestimate the help and support grandparents can provide'

Actually I am delightful.. a really hands on Granny.

You, on the other hand, sound quite mealy mouthed.

@2bazookas

Bleeding and lactating after giving birth are our biological lot. Just a fact of life; not the centre of the universe.

What any baby needs, for about the first 20 years, is a circle of loving supportive people who adore him and want the best for him. None of them needs to be perfect.

You and DH will not be perfect mother and perfect father. His parents will not be perfect grandparents. Your siblings will be imperfect aunts and uncles. Don't set your expectations so high that everybody's going to fail and be miserable. Especially, your child.

What are you even talking about?

Funny enough, the only thing a newborn baby needs is their mum, for her scent, heartbeat and voice whilst they adjust to life out of the womb. There is a time where everyone else becomes important but it certainly isn’t within the first few weeks of being born.
Mums mental health and needs come first.

How long after having the section are you discharged from hospital? I'd start the clock from the time I got home rather than the time I was in hospital under the care of the medical staff there, as to when anyone can come to visit.

Also don't forget that your hormones will drop about 2-3 days after the birth and you'll get the baby-blues. You may want to pencil in visits for when that is supposed to be over.

@Silvercatowner

You sound delightful. ‘don’t underestimate the help and support grandparents can provide'

Actually I am delightful.. a really hands on Granny.

You, on the other hand, sound quite mealy mouthed.

Being hands on doesn’t mean you’re great. Especially when you’d use your grandchild as a way to punish parents for having boundary’s with you.

I’d rather be mealy mouthed than behave like that.

My answer...NO! You call the shots here.
My cousin cooked Sunday lunch for loads of visitors 3 days post caesarian and ended up back in hospital with burst stitches and an infection.
She was a mess of bleeding/lactation, her stitches hurt, everything hurt.
Post op I would wait 10 days to heal before having ANYONE round.
You will not be fit to entertain or have anyone over.
People don't seem to realise it's a major operation you are recovering from and you have a baby to look after too.

You will probably be lactating as much 2 weeks after giving birth than you will 5 days after. I feel sorry for your in-laws, they are obviously very excited to meet their grandchild and already you being unwelcoming ( all be it just in your head).
Let them come. For all you know they will want to do some sightseeing in London while there and not be under your feet that much, and when they are at yours, if your MIL is as kind, lovely and practical as you say she could be an amazing help to you.

My parents came to see us in hospital, we were both quite poorly. When MIL and FIL saw us after we came out, I was still very unwell but MIL paid no attention that that and lectured me about everything and FIL expected to be waited on by me. I had learned to EBF in hospital and was very confident by the time I got out but we only had one living room and FIL insisted I sit upstairs to feed (in my own home). MIL totally invaded my privacy and came into our bedroom while I was feeding and sat on a chair next to the bed telling me what I was doing wrong. I am a very strong person, so I withstood all this but it took me years to get over being angry with them. She went back up North and told everyone I had post natal depression. I didn’t, I had had a forceps birth and was dually incontinent from serious birth injuries. I literally couldn’t walk a few hundred yards without shitting myself, I just didn’t fancy sharing that. For years after she kept asking when I was having another one, despite being told it wasn’t possible. She has dementia now and I don’t feel any pity for her after the way she treated me. It’s ok to not see your PILS, I wish I had had better boundaries. Good luck OP.

I’m so sorry you went through that @Hellokittyninja

I genuinely think every women should get themselves into a confident position with their baby and themselves before having anyone around so that comments don’t affect them. Everyone’s always got something to say and it just isn’t helpful is it.

‘ they are obviously very excited to meet their grandchild and already you being unwelcoming’

She’s saying she doesn’t know when she wants visitors after a serious abdominal surgery and you’re saying she’s being unwelcoming?

What on earth is the matter with some of you.

@ZenNudist Why would we need to adjust it so that we see both sides of the family as often? We are far closer with my family, we liver nearer to them and they make much more of an effort. My inlaws haven't visited us in London in ten near decade I've been with my DH. We visit them 2/3 times a year.

I always find it mental how people are so full of their own self importance.

You are having a baby and you have people in your life that care enough to take time out their daily lives to love your baby, bond with your baby, spend time with your baby....and thats a problem!!!

With my first baby on day three I was pushing it around the shops and trying on clothes, honestly you will be absolutely fine to receive visitors and indulge in a little bit of small talk.

they are obviously very excited to meet their grandchild and already you being unwelcoming’

She’s saying she doesn’t know when she wants visitors after a serious abdominal surgery and you’re saying she’s being unwelcoming?

What on earth is the matter with some of you.

They won’t be expecting her to tap dance for them. They just want to see their grandchild ffs. When did we become so insular, possessive and selfish?

@PinkSyCo I'm not possessive or selfish. I'm private and predicting that I'm going to feel very vulnerable, in a very small flat. I can accept that it might be essential to force myself to be brave about this stuff, but it's not insular or selfish to know that I'm not going to be able to breastfeed in front of people I don't know that well in the first week of my life as a mother, or that having five of us in a four room flat for 8 hours a day might be a bit much to cope with.

These threads always baffle me. If OP was having a medical procedure with no baby involved, and said she'd rather not have visitors for a while everyone would most likely agree this is reasonable. She should rest and recover.

But throw in a baby on top of the surgery (that op is now responsible for looking after in addition to recovering herself) and all of a sudden she's not allowed to advocate for her own well being?!

Wow. It's really clear on this thread who sees women as autonomous human beings that count in their own right and who sees them as support humans for other people, including their emotional needs.

The postnatal period, especially for a first baby, is one of the most difficult in a woman's life. It is absolutely right for her to put her own needs first and foremost. Be kind to yourself and your baby first, OP, and then worry about being kind to everyone else.

I always went into a different room if I wanted to feed my babies though? I didn't find it a hardship and gave me a chance for some peace/time with the baby.

Sometimes I'd want peace and a little lie down. Sometimes I'd spend ages getting into a position that worked then realised I needed a drink of water, or the tv remote. In those situations it helped to be on the sofa so I could ask DH for help. No fun being stranded upstairs alone for hours and hours each day when trying to establish breastfeeding.

"They won’t be expecting her to tap dance for them. They just want to see their grandchild ffs. When did we become so insular, possessive and selfish?"

Perhaps when people can barely be bothered to travel to see you then you might not feel inclined to accommodate them as soon as they wish after giving birth.

Op isn't saying that they can't see their GC-just maybe when it suits her rather than them.

Agree. I reckon a lot of the conflicts between MIL and new mothers is because in the MIL era, women weren’t so bloody needy!

Or maybe in MILs era they aren't used to women setting their own boundaries and expecting some consideration when it comes to giving birth.

@PinkSyCo I'm not possessive or selfish. I'm private and predicting that I'm going to feel very vulnerable, in a very small flat. I can accept that it might be essential to force myself to be brave about this stuff, but it's not insular or selfish to know that I'm not going to be able to breastfeed in front of people I don't know that well in the first week of my life as a mother, or that having five of us in a four room flat for 8 hours a day might be a bit much to cope with.

You don’t seriously think they’re going to be sitting in your flat staring at you for 8 hours a day do you?

"but it's not insular or selfish to know that I'm not going to be able to breastfeed in front of people I don't know that well in the first week of my life as a mother,"

My PFB was very prem, & in NICU for some weeks.

ILs came to visit with my husband-I was breastfeeding.

So husband told them that & we'd let them know when I'd finished & they could come in then.

He came back in to say that FIL had said it was OK they didn't mind!!!!

Apparently they seemed quite bemused that their opinion on the matter was of no regard at all.

But throw in a baby on top of the surgery (that op is now responsible for looking after in addition to recovering herself) and all of a sudden she's not allowed to advocate for her own well being?!

Well yeah the baby is rather the point. I mean who’s going to want to meet your gall stones or amputated leg after surgery to remove them?

My parents came after 2 weeks (live abroad), stayed 5 days in a hotel but were here all the time in a small flat, literally 7am to 8pm. I hated it. I get it, you do need some space.

I think it is only fair to let your PIL come if your parents come early and at five days (assuming c section very standard) is fine BUT your husband should do the hosting. If it were me, I would also want him to take them out for a walk once a day, perhaps when baby falls asleep at some point (whenever that is), leaving you and baby to have a nap or just chill out. They can pick up lunch/cake for you, spend time with their son talking about being a parent (which will be lovely for them to share with him) and you get some space. Win win.

@PinkSyCo Yes, that's exactly what I'm worrying about. I do actually know these people, and it's totally within the realms of possibility, which is why I wanted to ask what a reasonable amount of time per day to set for visiting would be.

Mine did! But that’s another thread!!