It's another in-laws post birth thread

[LittleGwyneth]

I have genuinely tried to find other threads to get answers to this, but couldn't find any.

Having a baby in a few weeks, via planned section - only really relevant as it means we will know the date the baby is going to be born.

We live in central London, my parents live about an hour outside of London and my siblings live about half an hour away. My DH's family live about a 4-5 hour drive away.

My MIL is a lovely, practical, kind person. But I don't know her that well. She doesn't really come to London, so in the nearly ten years I've been with my husband I've probably spent 2-3 days with her, twice a year. I like her, but it's certainly not like having a second mum. Her husband, my FIL, is not my husband's father and is fairly irritating. The type to share politically incorrect memes on Facebook.

They want to come and visit us 'as soon as possible' when the baby is born. They're very happy to stay in a hotel nearby, which is good as we won't have a spare room by the time the baby is born. My question is: AIBU to want to wait a bit?

My husband is fairly clueless on all this (and I'm absolutely no expert) so when we talked about it he suggested 'about five days' after the baby is born. To me that sounds very soon, in terms of the fact that I'll presumably be bleeding and lactating a lot.

If PIL lived an hour away they'd pop down, meet the baby, then go home, and I'd be very happy with that. But because it's a big journey and they're spending two nights in a hotel (which won't be cheap), it seems like they're going to be around a lot. And I just don't know at what point you have to put your big girl pants on and accept that there are people you don't know that well in your space, holding your baby, or whether it's fair to say look, I need a couple of weeks?

I don't want to be that woman who lets her own mum meet the baby on day 3 of life and holds off the in-laws. But equally I don't want them to travel all the way to London and then be upset that they only get to see the baby for an hour a day - or that I'm not 100% sure how I'll feel about other people holding her at that stage.

Does anyone have any insight as to when they would have been ready to have visitors? Or how many hours a day would be reasonable to expect to receive people who've made a big journey and spent money to visit you?

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my first and have refused to make any plans or promises. I don't know how I'm going to feel, how my baby is going to be, or when I'll be ready for anyone to be around. I could be ready 2 days after giving birth, or it could be 2 weeks. I'm keeping it flexible and will let people know when they can make plans.

I've explained this to everyone and they've been fine about it. Contrary to a lot of the comments here, every single mother I've discussed this with has been supportive and said how they wished they'd been firmer about what they wanted after giving birth.

Sorry not sorry, I am putting my physical, emotional and mental wellbeing first because I know that's how I'll be the best mum I can be. I want my baby to have a good relationship with her grandparents, but frankly in those first few weeks that comes way down my list of priorities.

OP, do what works for you, your partner, and your baby whatever that may be.

@Upsideandundergarments this is super useful as is very similar to our situation - thanks so much.

I would have been very upset if either of my DD-i-Ls had not allowed me to visit their babies straight away. I didn't know what my welcome was going to be for my first DGC but I was left in no doubt that I was very welcome for the second and third DGC especially as I'd listened and turned up with the food they were missing most!
My DH and I didn't outstay our welcome and we'd travelled 4 hours to visit, on one occasion.

@shrimpbarbie they may be equal grandparents, but they are NOT equal visitors post birth. Immediately post birth visits are not just about the baby. The mum will have had major abdominal surgery and will be dealing with massive physical changes and recovery. That is the key here.

My parents, inlaws, sister, BIL and SIL all came to see my first born in the delivery room! 🙈 To to be fair after what i had just beenbthrough i wasnt even bothered. My other siblings and best friends all came the day we came home from the hospital (the next day). and then we had peace for a week or so as everyone was pleased they had seen the baby.

With my 2nd guests at least waited untill we got home.

There is a lot of hours in a day with a newborn, assuming you are fit and well id enjoy the company. send FIL to shops for essentials, ask MIL to help round the house, no doubt they will love the opportunity to be needed.

When I had my first people would come for half an hour and say ‘oh I mustn’t intrude for too long, I’ll go now!’ and I knew that was the ‘new baby etiquette’ but I was desperate for them to stay! (Which I hadn’t predicted! I was a mix of tired and overwhelmed but also a bit bored and loved having company, especially when friends would talk about their normal lives in the big wide world, it made me feel like normality was still out there somehow!).

I think as PP have said, you just can’t predict how you’re going to feel. But I would err on the side of being delighted your MIL wants to see the baby so soon, and trying to facilitate that if you can. If your Mil and her husband come round and after a few hours you’re shattered, you can always say- I’m heading upstairs to feed the baby/for some rest, I don’t think anyone would find that weird or rude. If they were suggesting they stayed with you- I’d say no to be honest, not at 5 days with your first, but as they’re staying in a hotel I think it could work out. The memories I have of the friends and family who visited my babies in the really early days are lovely!

Good luck OP!

When I become a grandmother I expect to be at the top of the phone call list. I expect to be amongst the first visitors. But I’ll be saying ‘congratulations darling, I’m so proud of you! let me know when I can see you the baby, I can’t wait! What can I bring you?’ The answer might be to come to the hospital, or in a day or two. It’s not my call.

And if it’s my son’s wife/ partner? I wouldn’t be surprised if she wanted to see her mum first. Isn’t that normal? within normal families? I’d expect that.

I haven't read the whole thread but I actually cannot believe how many people are saying YABU

Of course YANBU! This is your time to recover and go at your own pace I would wait and see how you feel when the baby is here and then decide.

I would encourage them not to book anything until the baby is here and you have at least had a few days to settle and recover before you even think of them arranging to visit etc

I would not be comfortable with people I only see 2-3 times a year around me after such a massive operation and with everything else that comes after giving birth

Asking for a few days/weeks even a month to recover and settle in is totally acceptable and people should respect that! The worst thing I did was let people visit me as soon as I came out of hospital - it was far too much pressure for me.

YANBU and you should not be made to feel otherwise!

I can’t believe some people are saying OP is being unreasonable?
I think that’s too soon and it will very much depend how she feels after the birth on having visitors? Yes they can come and see their grandchild but I think they should wait until after the baby is born for the parents to ok it? I too live far away from both sets on grandparents and having had 2 kids decided after they were born when we were ready to have visitors. First child was 5 days and 2nd child was just over 3 weeks.
It’s your baby OP and you totally are within your right to say something like, ‘glad you’re excited to see the new baby but can we let you know a few days after we are home etc when we think would be a good time to visit?’
Both sides of our families were fine with this. Think my side were a bit like 🙄 but obviously they just totally accepted it as I had just given birth?

Yanbu, this is your time. You won’t know how you’ll feel until the baby is here but please please please do it your way, this isn’t a time to think of other people’s feelings, don’t underestimate what you’ll be going through. This is a sacred time for you and your new family. Your mil will have plenty of time to meet the baby. You might find you want the company and need some help and support and that is also ok. I’m just speaking from my experience and I really regret spending so much time with my in-laws at the very start. I think we needed time as a couple to adjust and we didn’t get that and it affected us long term. Wishing you a wonderful birth and quick recovery x

I think YABU sorry. You need to intro both sides of the family with equal timing. I wouldn't make grandparents wait that long to see a new baby. As soon as possible is fair. Very unfair to let your parents in early and not let ILs do the same. Also why restrict to an hour. That's nothing. I'd expect them to just be hanging around for part of the day. They are your DHs parents. Don't be controlling about this. You can take baby off to feed in your bedroom, more comfy. Leave baby with them a rake a nap. Have them make tea/coffee or sort dinner. Include them!

You will have plenty of time in the next few weeks to spend with you baby and DH. I think you are idealising the family unit a bit much. It's exhausting and full on. Your ILs can support DH a bit as you won't be able to.

Also you need to adjust so that in the future you see your DH family as much as your own. It's not fair to favour your side.

Put yourself in your MIL's shoes. Does she deserve to be frozen out and your mum welcomed just because they are your family and she is the father's family?

@CheekySwifter

I would push them back a week. Have a week at home just the 3 of you and then have them come and visit. 36 hours after getting home from hospital would have been way to soon for having people in the house every day for 5 days. I was in no fit state to make conversation but did let local grandparents pop in to the hospital. My own mum came a week after DS was born as she also needed to stay in a local H&M

This. You are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. You will be in the throes of setting up breastfeeding, sore and exhausted from the C-section and coping with the wound and stitches, plus all the hormonal upheaval that comes a few days after the birth. And that's not even taking into account you might have a fussy baby that's finding it difficult to feed, etc.

You must absolutely put yourself first. In your shoes, I wouldn't be seeing anyone until the second week, and then only for brief periods.

Let them visit they will be desperate to see their grandchild. It's hard to imagine it now but when/if your child has a child you will understand. They are being sensitive saying they will stay in a hotel. They sound like nice people.
I don't understand the wish some new parents have now of wishing to be alone for the first weeks with their baby. I was very happy to see people and to show them my baby.

It's all basic.

Your DP can tell them they can come - given they are booking a hotel - when you know how you're feeling. Major city hotels aren't going to be full booked and nor are B&Bs,

He can remind them you are having major surgery and while your recovery may be straightfoward and I hope it is, you won't be feeling your best and will need to spend time on the child. And they will have to cope with food by themselves.

Before DC1 I was thinking exactly the same as you- I just wanted some space for us to adjust. When it actually happened, for those first few days I was keen to show her off to anyone and everyone. My mum and mil both came for a short visit at the hospital which was great. My mil also lives quite a drive away and stayed over (not with us), but was happy to do that to meet dc1 as soon as she could! My DH really appreciated having his mum there- they went out for coffee, walked the dog and went to the shops to choose some baby clothes which MiL and DH really enjoyed. She didn't overstay her welcome (although she has form for this and actually moved in with us by stealth subsequently!). How does your DH feel about his DM- if they are close he might like her there. Would MiL perhaps do a bit of sightseeing/theatre etc ? With Dc3 I did the school pickup, had baby that evening and did the school drop off next morning with them all- all the excitement over first baby had worn off and neither of our families came until a few days later (the weekend!)

Way upthread you said it wouldn’t be fair to have your mum around without your in laws. It is fine for your mum to be around if you need her for support for you. She’s your mum, you are close to her and will perform a very different role in the early days.

You will know when you’re up to seeing your parents and your in-laws. I didn’t make the decision until after dd was born. Fil came to stay when dd was about 8 weeks. He lives abroad and expects to be fed and generally waited on hand and foot and wasn’t really interested in dd. I wasn’t well enough until then. Had my mil been alive, it would have been a lot earlier - and different. She would have mucked in pushed fil to help. My mother and husband otoh came to stay when dd was about 3 days old as they were very hands on, made food, gave dd plenty of cuddles etc.

Can your dh sound his parents out?

You could be Ok and up and about in a few days OR you could be an absolute state.

You and DP need to do a wait and see approach.

My experience - I ended up staying in for a week post c-section due to complications. The following week I had daily midwife visits that weren’t scheduled at specific times.

You could have the same.

There’s also the covid issue and you could all potentially catch it in hospital as that’s an infection hotspot and although the rules have changed it would be irresponsible for any risk to be passed on.

I think a reasonable 7-10 days after you’re discharged from hospital, NOT from the day of birth, would be appropriate imo with the possibility of it changing if you’re up for it.

YABU, they are not being difficult and it’s understandable they want to meet their grandchild.

I think 5 days is too soon. At least a week or two is better.

YANBU, you barely know these people! Five days after birth I was still in the hospital. I adore my PIL but no way I would have been up for seeing them then! My baby hated being passed around too.

Neither set of grandparents have any "rights" in this situation, and you don't have to achieve parity; if you want your mum for support when YOU have just gone through birth then you get her, nothing to do with the baby and nothing to do with PILs.

My PIL live overseas so they came to stay with us for 3 weeks when DS was a month old, over Xmas. Was a bit stressful at times in our tiny house but mostly fine because they are great.

However I would set a minimum of a fortnight after personally and that on the basis that they might only be able to come over from the hotel for short periods.

Surprised so many people think YABU but I guess it's very personal. Some people feel horrifically vulnerable after birth and some don't, I guess. Some people don't mind visitors when they feel vulnerable; I really didn't want anyone to see me except my parents and siblings. Some grandparents feel a sense of entitlement about when and how much they get to see the baby. I feel so so fortunate that neither my parents or parents in law are like that.

You need to look after you and not worry about equal access to your baby, who is not a time share.

Granny here. I would have been upset had there been 'boundaries' set. I saw my first grandchild (son's child) at 3 days old and will be looking after that grandchild when their sister is born. Don't underestimate how much help and support grandparents can provide. We have our grandchild to sleep over quite regularly and my son and daughter in law really appreciate that. If boundaries are set for grandparents, then you risk those grandparents setting boundaries when parents might need some support down the line.

‘ PurpleFlower1983

YABU, they are not being difficult and it’s understandable they want to meet their grandchild.’

Op isn’t stopping them from meeting their grandchild. Op is being sensible in putting her needs first whilst she’s recovering and transitioning into this new phase of life.

I cannot imagine being so entitled when it comes to someone else’s baby, blood or not.

My parents in law live a 3-4 hr drive away. When I had DD they came down on day 3, stayed at a hotel, saw baby for 1-2 hrs then went back to their hotel. Did the same the next day, then went home. They even insisted on bringing takeaway food and drinks so we didn’t even have to make them coffee. They were terrified of ‘being a bother’.

I think you’re worrying over nothing. Tell them you will be very tired after the birth and would love to see them for an hour or two when baby is a few days old, but if they want to stay for longer the visit would need to be when the baby is a few weeks older.

(Perhaps DH can pop to their hotel while you and babby nap, and have afternoon tea with them there to make the visit more fun for them.)

As for how long you bleed etc, it varies but I was still bleeding a little at ten weeks ao I wouldn’t bother waiting until that’s over. Lactating is different for everyone, I breastfed but never leaked.

You definitely can’t have your mum there on day 1 and no in laws for weeks - people hold grudges over things like that.

@Silvercatowner

Granny here. I would have been upset had there been 'boundaries' set. I saw my first grandchild (son's child) at 3 days old and will be looking after that grandchild when their sister is born. Don't underestimate how much help and support grandparents can provide. We have our grandchild to sleep over quite regularly and my son and daughter in law really appreciate that. If boundaries are set for grandparents, then you risk those grandparents setting boundaries when parents might need some support down the line.

You sound delightful. ‘don’t underestimate the help and support grandparents can provide’

You seem to clearly underestimate how that’s not helpful when you’re feeling vulnerable and are not ready for that yet.

Bleeding and lactating after giving birth are our biological lot. Just a fact of life; not the centre of the universe.

What any baby needs, for about the first 20 years, is a circle of loving supportive people who adore him and want the best for him. None of them needs to be perfect.

You and DH will not be perfect mother and perfect father. His parents will not be perfect grandparents. Your siblings will be imperfect aunts and uncles. Don't set your expectations so high that everybody's going to fail and be miserable. Especially, your child.