My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

[Lily1992]

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

@MichelleScarn

Really can't get all the 'you've been told this is what she wants, you need to do it, how selfish are you not doing what you've been told'! So what about the next 'oh this is what we want/do' instruction? 'Mama' has the grandkids to stay every weekend, host (and decides who comes to) birthday parties is the one to take to first day of school?

What a ridiculous comment,

If you let your mother in law decide what she would like to be called, you may as well hand her custody.

@Ozanj

Yes , where I am in the Midlands, some white people call their grannies mama and south asians call their maternal uncles mama. I have not yet met a single child that ever got confused between their mother / uncle and grandmother. Mama is just a word.

Mama is not just a word. In Spain means mother, it's how 99% of us call our mothers.

If it's just a name for you more power to you. It's not to the OP who is being bullied into accepting her child calling mama to anyone but herself.

Come on @Lily1992 of COURSE YANBU. Tell her she is fucking batshit, and it ain't happening. Then laugh, and tell her you know she is obviously joking!

@NewJersey

So you’re not yet pregnant and she’s acting like this? 😬 I’d put a stop to ttc until your partner is on the same page as you, otherwise I think it’s likely this will be the first of many incidents of her controlling you and your partner doing anything to please his mummy even if that means upsetting you. Fuck that.

Maybe the boyfriend is better off out of it if he is not allowed an opinion on something as frivolous as how his own child will address his grandmother.

Another one from Nottingham here. It’s more Mom-arr and Dad-arr round here. Or Nan-arr.

It’s no worse than granny imho.

@PuppyMonkey

Another one from Nottingham here. It’s more Mom-arr and Dad-arr round here. Or Nan-arr.

It’s no worse than granny imho.

Da-darr like you've done a magic trick? My dad would love that

Are you from different cultures / regions, OP? I have a bilingual toddler with Grandparents in Europe and DS has always called them "Mama" & "Papa" and we are Mummy & Daddy. Never had any issues or confusions. I personally really don't see the issue but of course it's your child & your choice but since all of the grandchildren call your MIL mama, surely it's more a tradition that her wanting to take on a motherly role?

*than

Mama is not just a word. In Spain means mother, it's how 99% of us call our mothers. [...] It's not to the OP who is being bullied into accepting her child calling mama to anyone but herself

Where did the OP say she is Spanish? Its an entirely normal name for a grandmother in many cultures/regions.

I assume all the PPs wanting to go NC with the MiL for having the temerity to choose how she is addressed are entirely happy their mode of address dictated to them by other people?

I don’t understand why people say all the grandkids will get confused.
My mum has five - two call her nana, one calls her gran (same house) and two (mine) call her grandma.
There’s no confusion, because they all know who she is.

Seems weird to me too. We just always spoke about my sons grandparents and being Grandma and Grandad with rheir name if there was a need to differentiate and he just picked up on it and followed suit.

@Just10moreminutesplease

They are right, it’s not up for discussion. You are the parent so what you say goes. Whether other people would be happy with Mama is irrelevant.

If your partner agrees that his parents should be able to override your decisions, I’d seriously reconsider getting pregnant.

I think her partner wants his child to call his mum mammar. That isn’t the same as letting his parents make decisions.

@Alondra - I lived in Spain for a long time. 99% of Spaniards I met called their mothers mami / ma. So I guess the use of mama is region dependant over there just like it is here.

I've heard 'marmar' in midlands, in my accent it sounds awful and really unnatural but if my in laws (from the midlands) had wanted that I don't think I'd have argued.
I've heard worse (mamadee being one. It just sounds really forced).

But, it should definitely be a discussion. If she wants 'marmar' (the pronunciation is important imo) then it's not the end of the world. But if she wants 'mama' and you're uncomfortable with it then there are alternatives and a compromise can be found. Nana isn't far off for example

@Motherland101

Are you from different cultures / regions, OP? I have a bilingual toddler with Grandparents in Europe and DS has always called them "Mama" & "Papa" and we are Mummy & Daddy. Never had any issues or confusions. I personally really don't see the issue but of course it's your child & your choice but since all of the grandchildren call your MIL mama, surely it's more a tradition that her wanting to take on a motherly role?

What part of Europe? Because most European countries I know use mama, mamá, madre for their mothers.

Of course we can also talk about USA where mama/papa also refers the girlfriend, boyfriend or someone with a good ass.

I think the adult being called the name gets to choose what it is.

Massively overthinking and looks like you've decided to have a difficult relationship with your inlaws from the outset.

Drama finds you in life, you really don't need to go looking for it.

DH's family is South Asian - maternal uncle is called mama and paternal grandfather dada. It is cultural and goes back centuries. All other children in the family use these names and so do the adults for their paternal uncles. When we had our children, it was a given that these names would be used and in the culture, it is automatically assumed the appropriate name will be used based on how you are related to the baby (specific name for pretty much every relative).

IMO it was not something worth arguing about or disputing, all DC's cousins use the names and by using the same, they fit in. Likewise with any friends they make from cultural classes for their respective families. My children are extremely close to extended families on both sides but there is still absolutely no dispute or confusion over who their parents are.

Tbh I find the attitude of posters who say its your child, everyone else can butt out or who allocated it themselves without allowing grandparents to have a say extremely rude. This child is a part of the grandparents' family and very much loved, there is nothing wrong with wanting to follow traditions. Respect and consideration extends in both directions. I would absolutely hate if my children behaved this way when they grow up and have children of their own

Will they be likely to grow up close with cousins? If they will, it’d be a bit odd calling their GM something different to all their cousins.

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster

I think the adult being called the name gets to choose what it is.

Massively overthinking and looks like you've decided to have a difficult relationship with your inlaws from the outset.

Drama finds you in life, you really don't need to go looking for it.

All of this.

Some people do call their grandmothers Mama- it's to some extent regional and cultural, I think.

If you wish to be called Mama, then I think it's reasonable not to have her use the term for anyone else. If you intend to be Mum/Mummy/Mam/ anything else, then I think this isn't the hill to die on, and best to let her grandmother be called what she chooses, especially as it's what her other grandchildren call her.

Of course, children can sometimes make their own choices about what to call their relatives. I always called my grandmother Mummy's Mummy, which was logical, I suppose, but I hadn't been taught to. And I don't think that one of our family friends had actually expected his daughter to call him Moon-face!

[quote Ozanj]@Alondra - I lived in Spain for a long time. 99% of Spaniards I met called their mothers mami / ma. So I guess the use of mama is region dependant over there just like it is here. [/quote]
0I don't know where you live but I don't recognise it and I've lived in Spain my whole adult life except for the last 8 years and I'm 60 y.o. I've never heard anyone call their mothers mami unless they are from a very posh background. And the only ones who use ma are teens trying to be cool, by the time they get to their 20s they use mamá like everyone else.

My paternal grandmother who I never knew would apparently only answer to 'Mother'
I think I agree with you OP. I would call her 'Mama Joan' ( or whatever her name is ) every single time. I think that's more than reasonable. Either that or Grandma.

@MichelleScarn

Really can't get all the 'you've been told this is what she wants, you need to do it, how selfish are you not doing what you've been told'! So what about the next 'oh this is what we want/do' instruction? 'Mama' has the grandkids to stay every weekend, host (and decides who comes to) birthday parties is the one to take to first day of school?

Most ridiculous comment in the world. It is not about doing what you are told but finding a compromise and extending respect in both directions. We have followed traditions so other family members are known as mama and dada, I am still very much Mum and make all the big decisions.

Unlike many pp, I can see that what IL and parents do is out of love for their grandchild so try and involve them in big occasions and firsts as much as possible. They have not tried to take control once and are very happy to play a big part in their grandchildren's lives.

Unless there is some huge backstory, people should try being nice, it makes them and us much happier

Is it a cultural tradition, op? I can't see anything wrong with a child calling their grandmother, 'Mama', frankly. You say they have a slightly different pronunciation to the English way of addressing a mother: dictionary.cambridge.org/pronunciation/english/mama ; in any case, nowadays people don't usually call their mothers, 'Mama', it is old fashioned. It's Mother, Mum, Mummy or Mom.

I don't know why this bothers you, frankly, it's better than, 'Nanny', any day and sounds quite charming. You don't live with them every day so why worry?

Children often develop their own nicknames for grandparents (and sometimes parents) anyway. I've heard 'Ganna', 'Grandy', 'Nin' and all sorts, even 'Dad' for a grandfather when a child was first learning to talk (he called his father, 'Daddy'). It's sweet.

So mil has a tradition where grandmothers are called Mama. All her other grandchildren call her this.
And people are telling you to leave your dp over this. What planet is everyone on? 🙄