My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

[Lily1992]

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

@Whatever00

I wouldn't fight on this. If all the other children call her mama o reckon yours will follow anyway. I would pick my battles. This isn't a battle i think you'll win.

My daughter didn't copy her cousins so it's not completely likely that people follow suit

I call my grandma "granny" my cousins call her "nana" never confused us.. and I'm the eldest.

You have much bigger issues than what your partner' mum is called... You are contemplating having a child with someone you readily refer to as a mummy's boy. Their family seems to have expected 'rules' about women's roles (shut up and do what the matriarch says) and you are unmarried and therefore completely unprotected against the financial cost of having a child with someone who can (and likely will) choose whether he prioritises your needs. If you give up work/go part time you loose your long term earning potential, ability to get into stable housing and ability to acrue pension. If you ever get fed up of 'mummys boy' and his uncompromising family you will be in a poor postion to leave.
My advice bottom out in some detail all of the practicalites around ahving children toghether- who will stay at home, how will you pay for this, how will your ability to ear be protected and PLEASE think about getting married (even in a one witness registry office way..). You only ahve to browse the numerous posts on the boards here to see which way this can (and often does) go.

I hate this sort of nonsense, family tradition, it’s just silly. I’d stop trying for a baby, they sound like a daft bunch and way too involved. Why do they know you are trying for a baby! I don’t mean to be unkind but I couldn’t be doing with any of that. Best of luck.

I'm from the West Midlands and moved to the East Midlands and it's definitely a thing here, I'd never heard of it before. Pronounced marmar. The thing is it's the MiL's name for her grandchildren so yours will probably end up calling her that too. I rather like it, as long as it isn't the short ma-ma version.

I would normally say a grandmother should have the right to say what she should be called but when the word is more normally associated with mother that is a bit different. However, I had not realised that there does seem to be loads of people on here who also use Mama for grandmother. If it is regional and the lady is already Mama to her her other grand kids then maybe you should let it go. Unless you wanted to be Mama (also a tradition in some families I know). At any rate your child would also pick it up off his or her cousins.

You don't have the right to say what someone else should be called but your veto might have worked if you were the first to give her grandchildren but can't see it working now - except to be a visible cause of a rift for the rest of her life.

What do your sisters in law think? And remember your child will be yours whatever he or she calls grandmother.

@Thewindwhispers

Nope. Mama = the mum for the vast majority of English speakers. Screw their tradition, what about everyone else’s?

MIL wanted to be called Grammar. I said no and we call her Granny because that is my tradition and it’s my child.

Tell them that you are the only person your baby will call mama, that they are upsetting you and it’s bad for the baby.

Nope, you’re wrong actually. Mom is commonly used for mum and Mammar is a common name for a grandma in the Midlands. Second probably to Nanny.

You know that your child is an individual person who is entitled to make their own decisions, right? I’m guessing you don’t get on well with your in-laws? 😂

My sisters kids call my mum mama it’s not as in mum it’s what my mum called her grandmother so a tradition thing. I’ve never called my mum mama it’s mum, mummy, mother. I think it’s nice, they don’t think she’s their mum its better than nana imo

My grandma was from Leicester so that might be why it was used. My kids call all 4 grandparents
Grandma and Grandad as did I although one grandad was granda

My husbands parents were Welsh and Irish, living in Wales, their grandchildren called them mam and dad. Our children did too as it was expected, but they knew the difference between their dad and their grandad. Our children called my parents grandma and grandad as it was what they wanted. There really wasn’t any confusion.

My maternal grandmother was Mama and my great grandmother was Mam. It was nothing like Mummy and my cousins and I never saw her as a mother, she was our grandmother. My cousin's children called their grandmother Mams.

Its an entirely normal nickname for a grandmother in many places, just like nan, nana or granny. Unless you are wanting to reserve "mama" for how the child addresses you I'd struggle to care.

Would you be happy for someone to dictate to you how you were to be addressed rather than use your preferred and entirely normal title?

There are thousands of posts all over the internet about mummy's boys and the nightmare it is being married to them with them letting their parents into the delivery room, kissing babies when they have cold sores etc. The way forward is to say how you are uncomfortable. If he puts his mum's feelings before yours then you have your answer about how your life will play out with him.

You get to name the (currently non-existent) baby. You don't get to name the grandparents. My mum's friends insisted that their grandkids just call them by their first names. This massively annoyed their daughter and son-in-law, but it's what the grandparents were comfortable with so they live with it.

I really don't see why parents would think they get to decide what the grandparents call themselves. Given that loads of people on this thread have reassured you that 'Mama' is definitely used for a grandmother in a lot of families and that this isn't a sign that your MIL is somehow trying to usurp you, I think you just need to suck it up and deal with it. There's every chance that your theoretical child will come up with some weird name of its own for its grandparents anyway.

So I told my own mother and my mil categorically they were getting called granny and I wasn't discussing it . Thankfully neither of them argued

This is such a bafflingly rude way to deal with other adults.

@RaininSummer

Unless you want to be called mama I would go with flow here as it's better if your child uses the same name as other GC. I would find it unusual but only because we are always nans in our family.

Why is it "better"? I haven't the faintest idea what names the other grandchildren used for my son's various grandparents. Why does it matter?

I would hate my children calling their grandmothers/grandfathers mama, papa, maman, granmama....

Maybe because I'm Spanish and we have a simple word for grandparents - abuelo, abuela, but any name with mama, mom, mommy....doesn't sit well with me. All of them are derivates of mother and a grandmother is not the mother's child.

This is your child and if you are uncomfortable, it's time for you to start your own tradition. Your last paragraph says it all really "they’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion" - they don't care about you or your feelings. It's all about them.

This is your child. Make sure they know it.

Sorry wrong thread, mobile site is jumping about

@Porcupineintherough

It's not just HER child though, is it *@Elleinad0*, it's also her partners and this is his family tradition.

OP it's up to you whether this your hill to die on. What do you want your child to call you, that's what it most important. Your child will know you are mum no matter what they call their grandmother- their heart will not be confused. In the end they will ultimately decide what they call their grandmother (and may ultimately go with mama if that's what all their cousins use) but you can always refer to her as granny or whatever. Not much you can do about what your partner calls her, or what she calls herself.

This ^

Its so easy to get hung up on the little things as a new mum but is this really such a huge issue? You will always be the childs mum.

How are they pronouncing it?
Midlands here too and we say Momar.
Mama pronounced in the usual way means mum to me.

I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother.

Rubbish! It’s not your tradition and you can say no. Cousins don’t always call their grandparents the same name.

Really can't get all the 'you've been told this is what she wants, you need to do it, how selfish are you not doing what you've been told'! So what about the next 'oh this is what we want/do' instruction? 'Mama' has the grandkids to stay every weekend, host (and decides who comes to) birthday parties is the one to take to first day of school?

Yes , where I am in the Midlands, some white people call their grannies mama and south asians call their maternal uncles mama. I have not yet met a single child that ever got confused between their mother / uncle and grandmother. Mama is just a word.

@BennyTheWonderDog

So I told my own mother and my mil categorically they were getting called granny and I wasn't discussing it . Thankfully neither of them argued

This is such a bafflingly rude way to deal with other adults.

Agreed. I asked what GP's would want to be called when we were expecting DD1 and breathed a sigh of relief when they looked at me all confused and said "nanny and grandad?"

So you’re not yet pregnant and she’s acting like this? 😬 I’d put a stop to ttc until your partner is on the same page as you, otherwise I think it’s likely this will be the first of many incidents of her controlling you and your partner doing anything to please his mummy even if that means upsetting you. Fuck that.