My partners mum wants our baby to call her mama? AIBU?

[Lily1992]

My partner (m) and I (f) are trying for our first baby. My partners mum wants the baby to refer to her as ‘mama’. She already has other grandchildren which do this, which makes her feel as though she’s justified in wanting this. Adding to this, my boyfriends family called his grandma ‘mama’ and his great grandma ‘great mama’. He’s a mummy’s boy and I feel bad breaking family tradition but I’m really not comfortable with this. I’m the bad guy in this situation and they keep reassuring me that there is a subtle pronunciation difference but I can’t hear it and saying I will ruin tradition and confuse the grandchildren if they all use different names to refer to their grandmother. They’ve made it clear it’s not open to discussion but I can’t get my head around it. AIBU?

It's pronounced mammar and common where I'm from too.
My MIL requested this also and as she was already muscling in on everything and interferring, I said no. It didn't make me feel comfortable.

At the end of the day, whatever you refer to her as to your child, they will likely call her anyway.

My DH is from West Mids and it isn't a thing at all where he's from. I've never heard of it

Where are they? It's an East Midlands thing. I'm from Derbyshire and your grandmother is called mamar there. And that's what my kids call my mum. Pronounced mommar. Stress on the second syllable. Different to mama.

Call them mee maw and pee paw.

@knowinglesseveryday

My DH is from West Mids and it isn't a thing at all where he's from. I've never heard of it

From the latter posts it sounds like an East Midlands thing rather than West Midlands which explains why lots of us have never heard of it

I call my grandma mama,and I call my mother mummy, nothing is wrong with your child calling their grandparents mama and papa

Sounds like you’d be signing yourself up for a whole load of hassle and being sidelined if you chose to reproduce with this boyfriend. What legal and financial protections do you have in place, being unmarried?

Me and All my cousins on my Scottish side call our grandmother "Maw" which basically means mum in Glasgow. My ex's family all called their grandmother mum. There's no confusion anywhere, it's just the traditions in each family. We all know who our mums are.

My dm is referred to as Mama, but it’s cultural.

My DH's family expected my children to call their grandma Nana - they did but I just didn't like it and she is their grandma. I didn't make a fuss but as they don't see them so often due to distance and I always referred to her as Grandma they just used that term

I didn't make a fuss or really consciously say no to Nanny / Nana it just never 'stuck' with them

@Feilin

I wasnt up for all the granny nana gran fuss. So I told my own mother and my mil categorically they were getting called granny and I wasn't discussing it . Thankfully neither of them argued .

Are you going to be ok with being categorically told what your grandchildren will call you? What if you really don’t like it?

Instead of mama pronunciation do they mean marmar which is more like Grandma?

It's likely to be a regional or cultural thing.

I found it confusing in France that grandmothers are often 'mammy' spelt mamé or mammie or mémé.

In the North of England mum is often 'Mam'.

And lots of Grandmothers ending up being 'Mama' because a young child mispronounces 'Grandma' as 'Mama' and it sticks.

I told my DM she could choose whatever grandmother name she wanted and she chose 'Grandma' which I thought was a bit dull!

From what I’ve gathered it’s mamm-mar which to be honest sounds nothing like mama or mummy.

They are right, it’s not up for discussion. You are the parent so what you say goes. Whether other people would be happy with Mama is irrelevant.

If your partner agrees that his parents should be able to override your decisions, I’d seriously reconsider getting pregnant.

Just had a thought, if partner's Mum completely insists on being mama could you refer to her as Grandma Mama when talking to your child about her? Like

'We're going to Grandma's house today'
'Grandma Jane or Grandma Paula?'
'Grandma Jane'

But it would be Grandma Mama.... ?? Just an idea. If you're certain you want a child with this man and it happens, in the long run a compromise might be best?

Why is you MIL privy to the fact that you are trying for a baby? Wouldn't you rather keep that information private?

It’s the attitude that’s the problem. I’d pause ttc to say I’d like to find out what else I’m not a fan of that is apparently non negotiable before I get pregnant and have a baby, because my role as mum of my child is non negotiable to me.

I think you're being a bit sensitive but it's understandable. I was very concerned about details like this when pregnant with DC1, but it's amazing how the stuff that seemed like a huge deal before the baby is here just falls away when they're born.

DD1 called MIL 'Mah-mah' at first because she couldn't say Grandma. It's really lovely, and it sounds nothing like 'mama' which is what DD2 still calls me when she wants something.

They call MIL Grandma now because they want to.

This isn’t really as random as grandma demanding your child calls her “mama” and referring to them as “her baby”.

I think it’s a bit weird because I haven’t come across it but it sounds like it is tradition in the family and also a common grandma name for others too.
If you are in a loving committed relationship and trying for a baby this seems like a small thing to blow up over.

One of my kids calls me Muma and that other Mama, they chose the names so we went with it and my mum was going to be Grandma but my DD just started calling her Nana so they both call her that now.
My exes Mum tried to demand to be Gran and all the other kids on thr family called her that but DD always called her Grangran and its stuck.

I'd be very worried that your DH is taking his mum's side so strongly over something so minor though. He should have your back.

I really don't like this idea; it sounds a very confusing situation. You're mama! Could your MiL be nana instead?

Oh hang on, how did I miss the fact that you're not even pregnant yet?

Seriously this is not something you should be worrying about now.

Also to me this isn’t what you want as mum vs what MIL wants - it is mum vs dad since your partner called his grandmother this and wants to continue it. The MIL thing is a red herring because mumsnet hate MILs.
You don’t always get to dictate everything as mother and your partner doesn’t get to dictate everything as father, it is about compromise. Is this so important that your child doesn’t say this that it overrides the importance of it to your partner?
Also bare in mind the reality is if all the GC say this then your child is likely to copy when they are old enough anyway.

Mama and Dada are most children’s first words at a very early age, our 3 year old still calls us Mama and Dada. So Mama is very much you (Mummy), not Grandma. Sounds way too confusing and ridiculous. She could be Gama as a compromise but Mama will be you for the first few years.