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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/03/2022 17:06

YANBU and I would be questioning my relationship if my DP kept allowing this to happen. Doesn't bode well if you have your Owen children.

His family sound rude.

SerendipitySunshine · 21/03/2022 17:07

Yes, we have had this too. Before we had kids and now we have them too. PIL are constantly agreeing to babysit and we have to get them to come to us if we want to avoid the free babysitting service too, while BIL and SIL do as they please.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 17:13

My ils lived in the same street as their dd. We lived 3 streets away. The ils never ever came round. I often saw them pass by walking their ddog though.. Beware the obvious favouritism when you have dc..

Noisyprat · 21/03/2022 17:27

A few things stand out but actually there is big red flag here. Your DP and his parents expect you to be babysitter, end of. Imagine if you have children, you DP is showing you what he is like. He is putting his family, his parents and his brother and SIL before you and you are letting him.

Grow some backbone and tell him that you do not want to go his parent to spend the whole weekend with children. Make it clear that if they are going to be there you won't go. If they are there when you arrive, go up to your room and read or go out for a walk.

I don't know why you would go on the Mother's day meal anyway, I would always spend it with my father in your situation.

BlueOverYellow · 21/03/2022 17:27

Stop visiting with your DH if he's let them know you're coming.
Only stop by without warning.
Turn around and leave every time your BIL shows up to drop his kids off for you to babysit them ... because that IS what he's doing.
Bow out of the dinner. Tell your DH he can go and babysit his nephews, but you're done.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 21/03/2022 17:32

When dp goes off to visit without you, give him a big bag of haribo for the nephews . . .

Fernandina · 21/03/2022 17:35

You could always develop a sudden terrible sore throat and a headache on Sunday morning (and make sure you have run out of LFT kits), or discover you have galloping dandruff, ingrowing toenails, Montezuma's revenge - anything, but don't go.

Or just tell him now that you're not going, and he can lump it.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 17:36

May I suggest the Asda pink mushroom sweets? 3 bags for a quid and absolutely fantastic at making dc climb walls.
Ime.
Shock

violetbunny · 21/03/2022 17:37

b*ut I realise the issue is DP's brother
*
No, no, no! You absolutely have a DP issue! He needs to stand up for you and tell his family this isn't on. He needs to stop them using you as a baby sitter when you visit, and he needs to intervene and say to his mum, "Actually, we were hoping for some quality time with you, it will change the dynamic having nephews there so they cannot come this time."

billy1966 · 21/03/2022 17:39

@eldora

YANBU. The only solution is to send DH on his own until he/PIL get the message.

They are using you as a babysitter whilst talk to your DH.

This.

I wouldn't be going near his parents again until it is child free.

They are making a fool out of you.

These aren't your nephews.

Their parents are CF's.

Your partners parents have VERY poor boundaries to allow this.

Take note.

Send him off on his own.

hennaoj · 21/03/2022 17:40

Ditch the DP, he is clearly useless if he can't see how unhappy this is making you.

Have one last visit first though, take buckets loads of sweets, purple juice (apparently this makes children loopy, or even better purple slushies) and a few very noisy toys. Stay for 10 minutes, go out for a walk on your own then come back at leaving time.

FinallyHere · 21/03/2022 17:40

@MaeveKerrigan

I'd just send your partner to visit his parents so you avoid having to put up with the annoying nephews.
This ^

He may even enjoy it... or not.

ImInStealthMode · 21/03/2022 17:42

Have a funny turn Sunday morning, don't go. They'll have to entertain the kids themselves.

In your shoes I would A) have a proper chat with your DP about wanting to spend time with his parents in an Adult scenario instead of being an unpaid babysitter but also B) Cut back your visits, it's absolutely not weird for you not to go every time.

DP's family live only about 10 minutes from us and I go visit with him about every 3rd or 4th time. Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my problem Wink

billy1966 · 21/03/2022 17:43

Oh and if he is sitting on his arse and leaving you to it, you have a lovely insight as to just how lazy he would be with his own children.

I think you are really making little of yourself minding the children.

Kindly meant but people like that probably think you are desperate for their son and a bit of a gobshite.

No woman with a drop of self respect would allow that happen more than twice.
Flowers

whatisheupto · 21/03/2022 17:43

You're not the first nor will you be the last...

Stop going to PILS. Or if you want to go only tell them 5 mins beforehand.

Or invite PILs to yours.

I've had the same. As soon as I realised what was going on I did things in a way that meant their tricks wouldn't work any more. I think they've got the message now.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2022 17:43

Has it always been like this, i.e. before you came on the scene? So if your DP visited his parents, would the nephews appear every time?

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 21/03/2022 17:44

Can his parents come to yours? Or you book late night dinners in fancy places?

AgathaX · 21/03/2022 17:48

Definitely time to start putting some bounaries in place. Maybe just visit yourself on alternative visits, turn on on a different, unnanounced day, leave at an earlier time, arrive later.

Whilst ever they can get away with it, that's the boy's parents and your partner's parents, they will do. You are the one that needs to break the cycle.

KatherineofGaunt · 21/03/2022 17:49

I think your idea of spending the day with your dad is lovely, OP. Your DP can look after the boys at lunch and then it'll be HIS time with his mum that's affected by his nephews. Do something nice with your dad and have a lovely day. Hopefully your DP will understand after the meal what it's like for you every time you go and make changes.

billy1966 · 21/03/2022 17:52

OP,

You really shouldn't be trying to have children with a man that you do not feel comfortable telling that you have no wish to be unpaid sitter every time you visit his family.

So your prospective FIL/BIL/SIL are REALLY rude and your partner is lazy?

What are you doing?

Have a look at the Freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you with your boundaries.

I think you have possibly picked a dud, with a dud family.
Flowers

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 17:55

No before I met DP, they used to live 2 hours away so too far to just dump and run. Now they live 10 mins drive away.

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 21/03/2022 17:56

My friend had this problem. Her DH sister used to take her DD to her Parents every time she visited with her DC. Her DC never saw their GP without her DD there. Her DD was a spoilt demanding child who dominated the time and her DC never got quality time with their GP. She never said anything and allowed it to fester and in the end she had a meltdown and literally screamed at her sister. They now do not speak which makes matters worse. Though she still drops her DC off when my friend visits. Soak out now. Do not let it fester.

Original poster
ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 18:00

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Can his parents come to yours? Or you book late night dinners in fancy places?
We always invite them but they never take us up on it. They rarely leave their town to be honest. 3 hours would be a massive trek!

We did offer to book a nice meal out one eve but they couldn’t as then they had the boys overnight! They have them more overnight than their actual parents it feels like!

To be honest we’ve stopped asking.

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 21/03/2022 18:00

I'll admit that I have only read the first 100 posts but when I got to this one by the OP "@ClemFandangoo - DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.
I genuinely felt like Nope. That's not happening.

So OP you need to phone the restaurant back and cancel.
Then you get your DP to say to his mother "Mum, this is not an event that DNephews are invited to. It's for Mother's day and I want to take you and Dad out and not the nephews this time. If that doesn't suit you, we'll arrange a different time and give this Mother's Day a miss. I'll arrange something smaller with @ClemFandangoo instead."

Your DP needs to take his brother to task on this too, or you can. Find your gumption!

Good for you to decide that you're not going and you'll spend the day with your Dad.

gettingolderandgrumpy · 21/03/2022 18:01

Wait so they find out your coming to visit so they send their dc round and you look after them .?
Op say something and get dh on board honestly stop quietly getting annoyed and speak up say no or this will go on forever.