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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 21/03/2022 16:19

ClemFandangoo

^DrinkFeckArseGirls
Just say the restaurant is booked for four and they can’t accommodate more.
DP’s Mum has already phoned the restaurant and added two more seats so that’s that then.^

Hmm You’re doing the right thing by not going. What did your DP say about that?

Totalwasteofpaper · 21/03/2022 16:19

Just send your DP online own every. Single. time.
And tell your DP why and let it with him.

Totally weird and yes both the in laws ( mil/fil and bil/sil are CFs)

caringcarer · 21/03/2022 16:21

I would refuse to go and let in-laws and do entertain nephews. Instead of visiting your in-laws you could A. invite them to visit you sometimes. B. Book a treat for in-laws yourself and refuse to say where so mil can't as dd nephews to visit. C. Say nephews live close by so can visit anytime when we are not there.

eldora · 21/03/2022 16:23

@Amabel727

I have a similar situation with relatives at the moment! I think the best course of action would be to feign a headache and skip the meal; then miss a few more family weekends/days and say that you're just not feeling well for them. If your DP asks for details say that you're finding the constant expectation to babysit too much and don't feel up to it.

Alternatively book 4 seats for the theatre for something that kids would hate or book an evening meal at a pub after bedtime.

How have you dealt with it @Amabel727?
Rodion · 21/03/2022 16:23

Ugh i'd hate this too.

To be quite honest I'd be seriously considering if you're going to get the future you really want with your DP. I mean do talk to him and see if can be dealt with, but keep the future you want in your mind whilst doing so. You can't account for his family, you just get what you get there. But they are taking the piss and he is just sitting by passively either not seeing or not caring how this is playing out for you. If you end up with kids I fear you'll have a world of similar frustrating issues that you feel alone in.

Phobiaphobic · 21/03/2022 16:24

No is a complete sentence. Seriously, just explain why you would like a break.

SkinnyChaiLatte · 21/03/2022 16:24

I'd bun off this family of fuckers and I'd have half a mind to bin off the DP too.

Chloemol · 21/03/2022 16:29

I would be honest with your dp and say what you have here

That you are an unpaid babysitter, that he gets to spend time with his mum, his dad watches tv then has the audacity to say about you spending 5 minutes on the phone when you are, no blood relation, have been looking after his grandchildren

Tell him that you want to spend time getting to know his parents without the kids. That unless he sorts it out so that Mother’s Day is spent as 4 adults you see no point in going to he can go alone and you will spend time at home/with your mother. And moving forward either he tells his brother to stop dumping the kids, or he looks after them. Then every time the kids come to you send them to him or his parents and go for a walk on your own

Boundaries need setting

Zippy1510 · 21/03/2022 16:30

Can’t you just say “oh we were hoping it would be an adult only meal as we rarely get any time to chat without the kids around”

Spudina · 21/03/2022 16:30

They are all CFs. You are being properly used. But your DP should be standing up for you too. Their his family, his problem. I’m glad you are not going. Could you try speaking to your DH again when he is going next time?

olympicsrock · 21/03/2022 16:36

Your in laws are clearly CFs and super full on but do bear in mind that perhaps BIL and SIL don’t know how you feel.

My SIL with grown up children told me yesterday that she did not enjoy us meeting up with GP at the same time as her family ( our DV are 6 and 10). They already have separate time with her parents and are happy to see us but not together .

I had no idea and was trying to do something nice for PIL playing happy families. Was upset but glad to know to avoid doing something that upsets her.

Have an honest conversation about it with them.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 21/03/2022 16:36

Think the verdict is pretty unanimous OP although as a few others have mentioned, I'd be worried how complicit your DP is in this too through his passiveness. It may be subconscious but you're the one in that room with no blood ties to the children yet he seems fine with you being placed in charge of them. A possible view of the future if you have your own?

Rainallnight · 21/03/2022 16:40

YANBU

Stop going

ButtockUp · 21/03/2022 16:40

You've had some great advice here OP.

Your decision to spend the day with your dad is a splendid one. Your in laws should readily accept that Mothers' Day will be a contemplative one for you and your dad.

I'm just surprised that your SIL is more than happy to not spend Mother's Day with her own children! Clearly preferring to fob them off !

Going forward, you really need to put your foot down and say that you will no longer babysit on your visits to your in-laws and that, from now on, you will only go if it's just the four of you or not at all. And do remind your husband what his dad said to you!

DoubleGauze · 21/03/2022 16:44

I'm glad you've decided to not go op. They're seriously taking the piss.

I agree with pps in that you need to be careful with your boyfriend. He shouldn't be letting them abuse you kindness like this.

Also be interesting (for you) to see how he reacts when you stop going over there with him.

Eddielizzard · 21/03/2022 16:44

I'd also add a caution to the fact that your DP is allowing this to happen. He's not standing up to his family, and he's seemingly not noticing the impact on you. Or choosing not to notice. I would be deeply unhappy with all of this and I'm glad you're not going on mother's day. They'll get a taste of just how much you do for them. I wouldn't be surprised if suddenly the boys can't go for lunch. Perhaps then you could spontaneously join them Grin. As for the dad, I would say, yes, a 5min break after playing with those kids for 3 hours is very welcome.

Scandisaurus22 · 21/03/2022 16:49

You really need to communicate with your partner about the reason you’re not going. Not just that you want to see your dad. If you don’t it will be exactly the same situation next time, and next again..and next year. You know you’re not being unreasonable op.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/03/2022 16:53

@Amabel727

I have a similar situation with relatives at the moment! I think the best course of action would be to feign a headache and skip the meal; then miss a few more family weekends/days and say that you're just not feeling well for them. If your DP asks for details say that you're finding the constant expectation to babysit too much and don't feel up to it.

Alternatively book 4 seats for the theatre for something that kids would hate or book an evening meal at a pub after bedtime.

Or she could use her words and tell her partner NOW how she feels clearly and unequivocally rather than going through that kind of passive agrressive illness feigning bullshit.
Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 16:55

6 and 8 year old boys are very demanding!

I wouldn’t break up with your DP over this but definitely don’t let him use your time easily with this either.

SevenWaystoLeave · 21/03/2022 16:55

@Chloemol

I would be honest with your dp and say what you have here

That you are an unpaid babysitter, that he gets to spend time with his mum, his dad watches tv then has the audacity to say about you spending 5 minutes on the phone when you are, no blood relation, have been looking after his grandchildren

Tell him that you want to spend time getting to know his parents without the kids. That unless he sorts it out so that Mother’s Day is spent as 4 adults you see no point in going to he can go alone and you will spend time at home/with your mother. And moving forward either he tells his brother to stop dumping the kids, or he looks after them. Then every time the kids come to you send them to him or his parents and go for a walk on your own

Boundaries need setting

I think the complicated factor here is it seems like the grandparents are the ones who are having the kids dumped on them on a regular basis, so the only ones who can really address that problem is the GPs themselves, which obviously OP has no power or influence over. It may be that GPs love having the boys every weekend, though obviously they also must find it full-on as they clearly appreciate OP taking the burden off them for a while. The only behaviour OP can really change here is her own and/or her DP's - he needs to get proactive intervening when she's being overwhelmed, he needs to talk to the GPs if there's any talking to do, and OP meanwhile either has to come up with some strategies to get the boys off her case or else stop going. I think it's beyond her power to actually stop the kids coming round, she's too far removed to influence the BIL, and it's not her home to dictate who comes round anyway.
Charpick · 21/03/2022 16:58

If I was you I would just stop going. If DP asks why, say you just babysit while you’re there which isn’t the reason you drive for 3 hours, and you’ve got other stuff you need to do with your free time. Then when his parents or brother ask him why you’re not there, he can either be honest or lie, and if he lies it’s even more obvious that he needs to grow a pair. I really feel your pain as I value my free time & space WAY too much to just let this slide. They’re all taking advantage of you. YANBU.

Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 21/03/2022 17:00

@ClemFandangoo

I think I would have been entirely honest, and said, "I'm just having 5 minutes downtime while the boys are outside, they are lovely but very full-on and I've been playing with them all day."

I actually did say words to that effect with the extra hint that I have a niece but she’s not as ‘lively’ Blush

Stop hinting.
Wouldntitbenicetobeinyourshoes · 21/03/2022 17:01

I mean just say “that’s enough now DN. I’ve come to visit PIL so go and play
And be more direct with either PIl or BIL/SIL.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 17:03

Looking ahead is this arrangement of the travel going to work when you have dc? You need to get dp to remind them the road goes both ways. But. And big but. You just know their car will be plus 2 x dc when they arrive. Maybe invite them to a nice restaurant round your way. If they all rock up they can pay for their food. And don't invite them back to your house.

mumda · 21/03/2022 17:04

Ask them (the DP's parents) to visit you.