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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The Nephew Show!

436 replies

ClemFandangoo · 21/03/2022 14:26

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! ShockConfused Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 20:14

Ah police great! Bit of role play and leave them cuffed to a chair.. Or make a cell under the stairs.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/03/2022 20:17

For years sil's dc were at ils when I took my dc round. Never sil. Years of low level bullying from her dc. Their toys. Their biscuits. Their dgps. Came to a head when I did ask ils if we could visit them so they got to spend time with the dc not jus me say refereeing. Sil begrudgingly said she would keep them away 3.30pm til 5pm Mondays and Thursdays.. So that is all they saw my dc. Ever. Never went for tea or a sleepover. Obviously I never bothered suggesting they babysat. Sil prob would have hired a hitman.
I reckon bil may be staking his claim on the dgps op.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 21/03/2022 20:18

I think because in the past you have gone out of your way to be kind to and entertain the children, they think you love them and are doing everyone a lovely service by bringing everyone together. DP needs to have a kind word to his parents that they are making you feel like they don't want to get to know you as a person. I think they will be sorry if they are actually told.

Elnetthairnet · 21/03/2022 20:22

That sounds like hell. Are they old enough to play games on a tablet? The parents are using you as a ‘fun’ babysitter while they get a few hours off. Cheeky fuckers!

AbsoluteTruths · 21/03/2022 20:24

I'd tell them the truth. I'd say sorry I won't be over MIL, it's not worth the long drive if we don't get quality time to chat/eat/get to know each other with the nephews always needing my attention. Nice as they are, they're not my kids and as I'm still child free, it's a lot of hard work for me in all honesty.

She may well hate the truth but cannot argue with the content.

Selena55 · 21/03/2022 20:26

I simply would not go.

Wiredforsound · 21/03/2022 20:26

OP, when you do visit again, go out when the kids show up. 10 minutes of play then have a reason to go out - training for a marathon, need to pick up something from town, even arrange to go out with the SIL!

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/03/2022 20:33

Good for you OP! Don’t be guilted into going or the whole thing being rescheduled. Say you’ve booked an adult meal for you and you dad to think about your mum. Enjoy your day!

I’m getting angry for you reading your comments! It sounds like you’re a lovely Auntie but all the adults are taking the piss!

WimpoleHat · 21/03/2022 20:33

OP, when you do visit again, go out when the kids show up.

I agree with this. “Oh - sorry - didn’t realise you had a prior commitment. We’ll find another time to come when we can spend some time with you.” Every time.

jb7445 · 21/03/2022 20:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 21/03/2022 20:40

I'd tread carefully OP in terms of continuing the relationship if your DP isn't immediately supportive and apologetic. Frankly, it offers a window into how it might be if you have kids (you love them, so you are always "on", whilst he is optimal).

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 21/03/2022 20:40

Sorry optional (at his option!)

gingerbiscuits · 21/03/2022 20:46

Wow! I'm annoyed on your behalf, OP! You're DEFINITELY not being unreasonable!! Well done for opting out. Have a lovely day with your dad...& some peace! X

Artichokeleaves · 21/03/2022 20:48

The children are being raised in an extended family.

Apparently whether or not the extended family are willing! There's a difference between consensual, co operative 'raising' and non consensual, strategic 'dumping' involving taken open advantage of other adults, which is what the OP posted for. If you take consistently advantage of a family member who has consistently unpleasant experiences as a result, then they probably are eventually going to get a bit annoyed about it, and (shock horror) feel a bit 'judgemental' of your behaving like this towards them. I'd be a bit worried about them if they didn't.

I agree with pps. Stop going. Dh can go, and either he or GPs will have to do the childcare or they can decide to start having better boundaries with the children's parents. And the answer to 'we're dumping the kids on your for your arranged meal' is 'no, this isn't a child-friendly event.'

You don't need to be any more polite or caring of their feelings than they are being towards you; sometimes its necessary to be blunt before the thick skinned/CFs of this world realise they're making themselves unpopular.

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 20:48

Like if you are only a girlfriend and this is happening now its going to be absolutely woeful if you marry into the family because the inlaws will be monsters to you and as for the mil she will turn so wicked if you as much as turn your head so my advice is start as you mean to go on and that starts now so don't take any shit from any of them

FinallyHere · 21/03/2022 20:50

They also seem to think that your DP would want time with his Nephews.

Except for the small point that 'DP' isn't spending any time with his nephews. He gets to talk to his parents while OP gets stuck 'babysitting' the two DGC.

The problem here is that this arrangement works for everyone except OP

Good on you for not going next time.

Let your DP experience a few visits when he is the one child wrangling and see how he enjoys having no chance to catch up with his parents uninterrupted. Or perhaps his mother will be on DGC duty and he and his father will get to catch up uninterrupted.

The person you need to get on board with the unfairness is your DP. As PP pointed out, he needs to have your back not let you be treated like the au pair. His parents should be interested in getting to know you, not treating you like the 'help'.

If he really doesn't get it, then he isn't a keeper. He would be showing you that if you have DC together, you would be the default parent and expected to look after all the DC on any social occasions.

Is that what you want?

oakleaffy · 21/03/2022 20:51

@ClemFandangoo
My SIL

Used to do this.
Dump the “stage school “ children onto other SIL
Other SIL was absolutely put upon.

I know EXACTLY what you mean by “ Nephew Show”🤔😂

gingerbiscuits · 21/03/2022 20:57

We used to have a similar situation with DH's nephew & niece before we had our kids - we'd go to stay with his parents for the weekend (2hrs away) & because MIL always took the kids for the day on Sundays 'to give their parents a break' it was not once ever cancelled because we were there so every bloody Sunday we'd have to do something which revolved around them while their parents stayed at home or went shopping or out for a jolly by themselves!! Drove me NUTS!
Then, when his other sibling had kids, the whole situation repeated itself again, but by this time, we had our own kids too (1 similar ages & 2 younger) so if we visited on a Sunday, our kids NEVER got any proper attention from MIL & FIL because the day 100% revolved around what the nieces wanted to do - there was always whining that 'but we always do xyz with you on a Sunday, Nanny!' Their parents NEVER came out for the day with us so DH & I & his parents were essentially used as free babysitting for the day! It made me SO mad! As a result, our kids never really bonded very well with the PIL & whenever they mentioned it, I used to make the point that they never got any proper time with them in order to get to know them!!
Our kids are now teenagers & it STILL winds me up!!!!

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 20:59

@ClemFandangoo
It only happened me once🤣🤣🤣🤣 I dumped the child back pronto to the mum sitting up having a nice rest for herself and I only after having a new baby, this is the bit that made me mad the mother pulled up in her car dropped child out and drove off and never even asked so I put child in my car and had him dropped back in about 5 minutes afterwards.The mum of the child dropped that same child to another sil every single week for years so there you go

EnjoyingTheSilence · 21/03/2022 21:00

Totally not unreasonable . Glad you’ve made plans with your dad, hope your dp understands

Hollywolly1 · 21/03/2022 21:01

I have my own children and I've never dumped them on anyone, I wouldn't use people like that

Momicrone · 21/03/2022 21:01

Not sure if it's been said but I can hear you!

billy1966 · 21/03/2022 21:01

@motherofthelittlescreamingone

I'd tread carefully OP in terms of continuing the relationship if your DP isn't immediately supportive and apologetic. Frankly, it offers a window into how it might be if you have kids (you love them, so you are always "on", whilst he is optimal).
Absolutely this.

He has not behaved well dumping these children on you.

So disrespectful.

If he is ANYTHING other than hugely apologetic, you know he is like his awful family.

Why you would want to be seeing them once a month is beyond me.

They clearly aren't particularly interested in you, beyond your babysitting duties.

badg3r · 21/03/2022 21:06

Ok here's what I would do in your position but it is terrible advice 😬 I'd give them my phone/iPad (with parental controls on) to play games on a bit. At that age they'll be all over the screen time and, if anything like my kids, turn into little zombies for an hour or so to give you a break. And stop going every time so your partner gets the full brunt of their devoted attention and sees how exhausting it is for you. You can still love them and not want to spend every minute of a visit with them. Imagine if every time you went your mother in law talked incessantly at tou and stopped you speaking with FIL or vice versa. You'd also be looking for escape mechanisms. It's not the fact they are kids, it's the fact they are constantly in your space that is annoying.

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2022 21:07

You do need to realise you also have a dp problem, not just a Bil and parents in law problem (super cheeky of them!). I’d have said long ago to my dp that it was exhausting and I don’t enjoy visits as all I do is get jumped on, and if he gets offended by that point out it doesn’t happen to him, he’s having a nice catch up which he can in future do without me, since he’s made no effort to ensure I get sit down and chat and tea ‘clem you’ve been on duty there for a while, let me take the orphans outside and you sit down’ ‘mum clem has been doing x but I’ll let her tell you’. And why can’t he say to his parents does Bil ever parent his own children? We never spent half our life and 3 nights a week at the grandparents, you brought us up yourselves.