The Nephew Show!

[ClemFandangoo]

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

In"I think they are around several times a week and stay over a couple times a week too (all without their parents) I do wonder, why they bothered having them!"

You're very judgemental. The children are being raised in an extended family. I'm wondering if the in-laws don't want one-to-one time with you and the children are a distraction. They also seem to think that your DP would want time with his Nephews. It's for him to address if he'd like more time with his parents. Is there a reason why he won't address that? The meal would have been perfect.

@eldora

Also, if you do see nephews, stop being so available.

Go on your phone and ignore them or tell DH to sit with the boys whilst you go to the kitchen.

Stop waiting for this people to be considerate to you, they won't.

Exactly. I don't think you need to babysit them if you don't want to - go in to another room. I know it's sometimes not that easy but I do this at my in laws, they're not my issue (and I have my own kid).

You are being used by them for babysitting and by the way do the children's parents even know you at all really? Obviously they don't care what your like so long as someone to supervise their children.Just land to his parents unannounced,its horrible of them to just use you like that.I don't blame you one bit to be annoyed.
Good idea here maybe start gifting the children little presents each time you visit
1st visit ---- a goldfish each soo cute the kids will love them
2nd visit---- a pussy cat,be fair now get them one each
If they keep sending them for you to play with them I think you may go down the bird route or even the cutesy bunny rabbit route as they live for years
That just might cure the problem

@Ponoka7

In"I think they are around several times a week and stay over a couple times a week too (all without their parents) I do wonder, why they bothered having them!"

You're very judgemental. The children are being raised in an extended family. I'm wondering if the in-laws don't want one-to-one time with you and the children are a distraction. They also seem to think that your DP would want time with his Nephews. It's for him to address if he'd like more time with his parents. Is there a reason why he won't address that? The meal would have been perfect.

The children seem to be being raised by an extended family!

Either way, if your theory is correct it can be stopped by the OP cutting down visits to her DP's family which is what most suggest from the other PoV. Win/win.

@ClemFandangoo

I know not everyone reads the whole thread but just for those who have missed it, I’ve decided to spend the day with my Dad.

I will be telling DP when he gets home from work.

I hope the conversation goes/went well-when does he get in?!

We have something similar in my family, and I think a big part of it is that the grandparents feel sorry for the children as their parents do so little with them, so the grandparents want to 'treat' them to fun times with aunts and uncles who are young and energetic enough to play football in the garden etc. I think the grandparents are so caught up with essentially raising young children in their 60s that they find it hard to see past them and their needs.

These people aren't your family, there's no need for you to be visiting them every month. I can only echo what every single other poster has said, woman up and stay at home. Tell your DP why but you don't owe his parents anything at all, if he wants to tell why he can do that

@Ponoka7

In"I think they are around several times a week and stay over a couple times a week too (all without their parents) I do wonder, why they bothered having them!"

You're very judgemental. The children are being raised in an extended family. I'm wondering if the in-laws don't want one-to-one time with you and the children are a distraction. They also seem to think that your DP would want time with his Nephews. It's for him to address if he'd like more time with his parents. Is there a reason why he won't address that? The meal would have been perfect.

Maybe. As someone hose parents growing up we’re both police officers, I too was raised by an extended family when shifts clashed. Although grandparents came to ours. I definitely though, don’t know of anyone else who has their children less than their parents. I mean, sleeping over a few nights every week and around every other day practically (and without parents too) straight after school until bedtime, maybe it’s normal but it seems they barely have them!

I hope the conversation goes/went well-when does he get in?!

Thank you he should be back soon

Once a month at a 6 hr round trip? I think you're being very generous with your time. OP it's nice you want to get to know your DPs family, but they don't sound very considerate of you at all. I actually think it would make me question my relationship as your DP is idly letting you put up with crap. It will only get worse if you marry.

You come across pretty jealous

DP needs to talk to his brother.

For all you know the grandparents are telling him that you both want to see the kids.

The brothers need to talk. That’s how it works with siblings. Otherwise problems with parents would never be tackled. If the problem is the parents. You won’t know if he won’t call his brother.

Only you can stop it. Be assertive. Tell the brother he needs to find another babysitter. Tell the parents you want to get to k ow them better and arrange to take out Mum on her own. Then maybe Mum and Dad. If you go to the pub for a meal at 7.00pm, kids have to be out by 8.00pm so you can't take them! Think "adult only" and do some research. Then book these places. Brother and SIL will soon get the message. If the boys pester you, completely ignore them to the point of rudeness.. If they climb on you shout at them and tell everyone else you have an ulcer/bad back. Tears. Snot. They get the message.

@Whatsonmymindgrapes

You come across pretty jealous

I’m definitely not don’t worry 😆

I'm one of those weird Aunties that prefers sitting and playing with all the kids rather than listen to the adults lol.
I have my own kids too and I enjoy playing with them.
That being said...this is taking the P. Its all well and good I choose to go and play, but having the kids forced upon you must be bloody annoying, and the only way you're going to get anywhere is by putting your foot down, or letting your other half go to his parents on his own so that he can see exactly what you have to deal with. x

Well done for standing up for yourself OP.

Don't let him try to make you feel guilty as you have nothing to feel guilty for!

@tara66

How about if you start saying you don't like children especially boys very much?! They're so noisy, boisterous, untidy, difficult and demanding etc? Add you don't think you want to have any children as you did not know previously what they were like!? Or - say how you would bring up children differently, if you had them - to be polite and quiet! They then may get the message! Though expect it will go down like lead balloon. But otherwise you just have to refuse to visit the PIL. They are walking all over you and have no consideration at all as to what YOU may like or want or how YOU wish to spend YOUR time. Make remarks like -- ''Other people's children are SO boring, I find!''

This is terrible advice. Basically 'play passive aggressive games and tell lies that will come back to bite you.'

Oh yikes.

I haven't read the full thread but YADNBU.
In your shoes I think I'd have other plans always.

Funny isn't it how women are socialised and expected to be patient with any children in the vicinity. Presumably if you were curt or demonstrably unavailable you'd cop for a raised eyebrow or two. And yet that's how the men dodge it.

Obviously some people (men and women) love playing endlessly with their neices and nephews. Great. But the expection that you will while everyone else gets a snooze/cuppa? That's just good old fashioned sexism.

I also think as you’re not married yet, and they don’t make you feel very welcome etc I’d only go for maybe every few visits? That way you’ll avoid falling out over something that could cause issues in the long term and you get to see how it works out with whether the kids turn up when you do not. If this dies become problematic between you and your DP then you’re getting a bit of an advanced preview of what your future may be - buyer beware etc.

Also it’s far taller to set boundaries now than set a shard to reverse precedent for the future. I think you may have an important new hobby that you do most weekends?

Failing that, tell them you’ve got ringworm but that you think it’s just unsightly on kids bs dangerous.

*easier not taller!

We have friends who are constantly babysitting their grandchildren which basically makes it impossible to have a good talk. We now invite them to ours or our for tea adults only

Jesus, my spelling! Sorry…

Like I said before, if your SIL cannot be bothered to be with her own children on Mother's Day then you will continue to have this problem every single time.

Going forward, this needs to end.

You don't go every time.

When you do go, tell the children to feck off in whatever way seems acceptable.

Tell your FIL that you're really poorly and that you cannot be harassed constantly.

Refer your nephews back to FIL, MIL or your partner, every single time.

Any comeback gets met with " I'm not feeling well , sorry."

More importantly, you TELL your husband that you cannot cope with babysitting them any longer.