The Nephew Show!

[ClemFandangoo]

Would this annoy you? AIBU?

Every time (weekends) we visit DP’s parents DP’s brother’s boys are always there. Always. DP’s brother and wife never are just the boys. Even if they aren’t around, as soon as DP’s brother gets wind we are coming around he drops them over and they stay all day!

Don’t get me wrong they are lovely boys but they are tiring and constantly need entertaining. They can’t play on their own.

It used to be that when DP and I visited his parents it’d be the ‘Noah’ and ‘Ollie’ show, and we’d spent the whole time watching them perform dances, magic, singing… and SP’s parents would be all ‘ooh show DP & Clem xyz…aren’t they clever?!’ So we’d leave without having had any conversation with DP’s parents and I’d feel like I’m just there to clap and coo.

Recently they seem to have latched on to me, so when we are there they’re clambering over me, want to play with me and only me etc so I basically end up babysitting while DP’s Dad just slumps on sofa watching his sports and DP and his Mum have a lovely tea and natter. I feel like a mug (and yes I know I probably am).

So what’s brought this up again is that DP’s brother, wife and the boys were spending Mothers Day together as a family so we offered to take DP’s Mum (and Dad) out for a meal. Lovely adult time, can actually chat and get to know them. Then DP says ‘oh the boys might be coming!’ ?!?! I said why aren’t they spending time with their Mum? apparently they will be in the morning but wanted to come for the meal. Fab.

I was so annoyed I actually said to DP, God forbid they spend time with their parents! Probably was a bit off I said that, but I just want to spend some time with DP and his parents without DP’s nephews dominating! It changes the dynamic! Because of this I don’t really know his parents and they don’t know me!

AIBU? I feel like us visiting is seen as a chance to babysit their children. They never want to see us by the way, I can’t remember the last time they said more than a brief ‘hi’ to us as they’re thrusting their kids through the front door.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I’m very happy to hear that I am and just suck it up.

How about if you start saying you don't like children especially boys very much?! They're so noisy, boisterous, untidy, difficult and demanding etc? Add you don't think you want to have any children as you did not know previously what they were like!? Or - say how you would bring up children differently, if you had them - to be polite and quiet! They then may get the message! Though expect it will go down like lead balloon. But otherwise you just have to refuse to visit the PIL. They are walking all over you and have no consideration at all as to what YOU may like or want or how YOU wish to spend YOUR time. Make remarks like -- ''Other people's children are SO boring, I find!''

Op your too nice time to speak up don’t avoid it by seeing your dad instead explain why .

Aww that’s horrible, I do wonder if we had children whether we’d suffer the same. I also wonder sometimes if they don’t visit us because we don’t have GC for them but maybe that’s a reach.

I rather suspect once you have your own kids the monthly visits will stop, you'll be too exhausted!

@RedWingBoots

Yes that crossed my mind and the thought of spending my day entertaining children almost gave me a panic attack!

No they will be your page boys and one of your poor bridesmaids will have to look after them.

Hence the increase in Adult Only weddings...

@tara66

How about if you start saying you don't like children especially boys very much?! They're so noisy, boisterous, untidy, difficult and demanding etc? Add you don't think you want to have any children as you did not know previously what they were like!? Or - say how you would bring up children differently, if you had them - to be polite and quiet! They then may get the message! Though expect it will go down like lead balloon. But otherwise you just have to refuse to visit the PIL. They are walking all over you and have no consideration at all as to what YOU may like or want or how YOU wish to spend YOUR time. Make remarks like -- ''Other people's children are SO boring, I find!''

If OP wants to make herself extremely unpopular with her potential future in-laws, sure. But ultimately the problem here isn't even about the kids' behaviour, even if they were the nicest boys in the world, OP shouldn't be expected to babysit them and should be able to enjoy some adult time without them. There are ways to express this without basically announcing that these are horrible boys with horrible parents.

I actually can't believe what I'm reading. Never fails to surprise me what CFs people will be.

I feel sorry for the kids

Why do you go? What’s the point?

If they was bothered about getting to know you then they wouldn’t make sure the boys are there every time, as if they’re a distraction?

Stop going and tell them you’ll come when you can have some adult time/child free time as it’s quite overwhelming looking after kids all day when you’re not used to it.

Use the wk ends your DP is away to go to a spa or anything you enjoy and have some you time.

Do you know I’ve been mulling this over all day and taking everything on board.

I actually think DP’s Dad likes it when GC visit when we are there are so he can watch his darts or F1, or whatever else is on, in peace! I imagine if the GC are around and we are not, he’s gets pestered. It’d be genius if it wasn’t so bloody annoying.

Well done on cancelling this weekend. Lesson for next time you book a table anywhere, tell the restaurant that they are not to accept amendments to the booking unless they come from you and you alone.

If they was bothered about getting to know you then they wouldn’t make sure the boys are there every time, as if they’re a distraction?

Yep. Wondered now if that last time we were up just the 4 of us and DP’s brother rang, whether he’d got a text from DP’s Dad.

I have a DC of my own and there’s nothing that makes my heart sink more than when he has certain friends round and they want to ‘put on a show’ - cue half an hour of tootling on the recorder or dreadful am dram. DS never wants to put on a show when he’s on his own, thank god. So you’re definitely not being unreasonable for finding the whole thing annoying. Your DH needs to sort this.

I also think the grandparents are deliberately inviting them at the same time as you so they can see the kids without doing the hard work. My in laws do this but are open about the fact that they need help with the kids and it’s the other way around, the kids are already there and they ask if we’d mind helping out. Our DNs are lovely but also full on. The difference is they also invite is around without the kids being there so we can have a quiet adult meal or afternoon. Your situation is very unfair as you’re not being given an option and there’s no adult only time at all. The meal situation is incredibly rude too. You’re right to pull out. Much better to spend time with your Dad ❤️

@ClemFandangoo

Do you know I’ve been mulling this over all day and taking everything on board.

I actually think DP’s Dad likes it when GC visit when we are there are so he can watch his darts or F1, or whatever else is on, in peace! I imagine if the GC are around and we are not, he’s gets pestered. It’d be genius if it wasn’t so bloody annoying.

It’d be interesting to see if you didn’t go on a normal visit (but your partner still did), whether the children would be there?

Did they used to be there on your partners visits before you got together, do you think?

You have a DP problem, as they say. He needs to be the one to tell his parents that you want to see them not the nephews.

Good excuse for not making the 6 hour round trip is the cost of petrol now - so expensive! You must be paying a fortune to make this trip to PIL at the moment.

@Pawtriarchal

Did they used to be there on your partners visits before you got together, do you think?

No they used to live 2 hours away they only moved to the same town just before we got together.

What! I can’t think of anything worse than spending my days like this. I’d say I’m not going or else insist your partner does all the childcare and say you’re sitting down with a cup of tea.

Bloody cheek if they come to a meal and their parents aren’t even bothering!

It’d be interesting to see if you didn’t go on a normal visit (but your partner still did), whether the children would be there?

I guess I’ll find out

Bloody cheek if they come to a meal and their parents aren’t even bothering!

They never bother, that’s why it’s more annoying. I do feel for the boys, they must realise they’re just dumped.

@ClemFandangoo

Bloody cheek if they come to a meal and their parents aren’t even bothering!

They never bother, that’s why it’s more annoying. I do feel for the boys, they must realise they’re just dumped.

Do let us know what your DP and his parents say about your decision!

Good luck!

I wonder if your DH and his brother actually communicate at all? I understand DBro pops his head in urging a visit, but if they don’t communicate then this suggests it’s the PIL inviting them/letting them know that you’ve arrived?

Do you stay over or a hotel?

I would book a hotel - and not tel them. Then you could drop by, when the kids arrive, I would leave, do this every time.

Turn up for lunch the next day, ‘oh sorry didn’t know you had your hands full with children, we’ll go to the harvester instead, see you tea time’

That way nothing gets said or needs to be said.

Restaurant meal - if someone decides to invite them don't go. Leave them all to it.
Sent round as soon as they realise you are there? Pick up your coat as the doorbell goes and walk out past them. Refuse all requests for anyone to go with you, just say you're feeling a headache coming on and you're going for a walk to clear it. Walk to nearest cafe and go in, take your time.

Be open and honest with everyone - Look, I'm feeling like a babysitter on these visits and I actually come to enjoy time with PIL's. So tell me now because if nephews are going to be there I'm going to stay at home and you can go without me.
PIL's - Let's go for a meal at x. Please don't invite y and z - it would be nice to have some time together as adults.

Your DBIL and his wife sound like Dave and Denise from the Royle Family. Constantly palming the kids off on the relatives.