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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female friendship - am I too jealous?

139 replies

amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 13:52

In a new relationship with a guy, coming up 6 months. He has a close female friend and something about it makes me uncomfortable.

I was hoping to make plans with him at the weekend but he's already got plans with her. I asked what he was up to and he said she was coming round his, then they were going for a walk along the river and out for brunch and shopping.

Am I being really insecure to find this a bit much? I have plenty of man friends who I would go out to casual lunch with but I'd never have them around my place one on one and go out to brunch at some fancy hotel.

Apparently she has a partner, not that I'm sure if it makes a difference, but he does have a very high sex drive and something about her coming around his flat doesn't sit right with me.

Am I being massively jealous and overreacting or am I justified in feeling this way? AIBU?

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 21/03/2022 13:55

Why can't you go too?

How long have they known each other?

We're they ever a couple, had sex?

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 13:55

I meet male friends at my house. I go for walks with them. I have meals with them in nice places.

Unless there’s more to this, you probably need to find a way to be less jealous.

MrMrsJones · 21/03/2022 13:56

FWIW I wouldn't be happy he is prioritising her over me

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 13:56

Why can't you go too?

She’s not friends with the partner’s friend.

sjxoxo · 21/03/2022 13:57

I don’t know if it definitely means somethings going on between them but I agree it’s a bit much.. that’s the sort of Saturday I’d be expecting/wanting my new boyf to plan with me! Have they invited you along? I think they should at the very least.. good chance for you to meet her and make friends if you haven’t already. Seems a bit much to me tbh and I don’t know any guys who would do this with a female friend just the two of them. X

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 21/03/2022 13:58

If you dont trust him then just end things.

6 months in is still the time for finding out about each other and deciding if you're compatible.

He has a friendship you're uncomfortable with and you think he may cheat with her. You can't ask him to stop his friendship so the only alternative is to finish things.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 13:59

I wouldn't be comfortable with this so I would end things.

BigRedDuck · 21/03/2022 13:59

I go out for dinner/walks with my male friends and we visit each others houses regularly.
We are both in happy marriages. Contrary to beliefs, it is completely possible for men and women to have completely platonic friendships!!!

If you've only been with him for this long and you're already worked up about this, he's not for you.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 21/03/2022 14:00

@MrMrsJones

FWIW I wouldn't be happy he is prioritising her over me
You would drop pre existing plans with a friend if your partner of 6 months decided they wanted to do something at that particular time? Confused
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 14:00

What’s his sex drive got to do with it?

If you’re not happy with it that’s fair enough. But I don’t see anything inherently dodgy in a walk and brunch, maybe it’s a habit they have.

BrimFullOfAsher · 21/03/2022 14:03

I think you are very unreasonable. I do this regularly with my best friend (who happens to be of the opposite sex). We are both have committed relationships, our friendship preceeded both, and neither partner has any kind of issue with it.

If I was 6mnths into a new relationship and my partner had an issue with my friendship, it wouldn't be the friend I'd be ditching.

sweetzy · 21/03/2022 14:03

I really don't see the big deal unless you have concerns about the nature of their friendship.

Going to each other's houses or for brunch really aren't red flags.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 14:06

@girlmom21

I wouldn't be comfortable with this so I would end things.
Thinking about it actually, when I got with DP he actually did have a female best friend who would go round to his house and who he'd go for brunch with and I got on really well with her and never felt threatened by her. She's lovely. They're not as close now but that's just because life has got in the way and I still get on with her really well.
housemaus · 21/03/2022 14:07

I don't really see the big deal. I'd be annoyed if my partner expected me to stop hanging out with my male friends inside my own house because they assumed 'high sex drive' = 'will cheat'.

You don't trust him, so don't waste your time or his.

Original poster
amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 14:22

I'm not telling him to do something with me instead, and I haven't told him to stop. So no need for the comments here telling him to dump me thanks, they're irrelevant.

I was just coming here to ask if their day out and the fact she's coming over to his house would bother anyone else. It feels like more of a date to me. I don't need a lecture that men and women can be friends as I have plenty of my own, but wouldn't really plan that type of day out with them. Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

OP posts:
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 21/03/2022 14:27

@amioverreacting6838

I'm not telling him to do something with me instead, and I haven't told him to stop. So no need for the comments here telling him to dump me thanks, they're irrelevant.

I was just coming here to ask if their day out and the fact she's coming over to his house would bother anyone else. It feels like more of a date to me. I don't need a lecture that men and women can be friends as I have plenty of my own, but wouldn't really plan that type of day out with them. Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

Its not really irrelevant.

You started a thread basically saying you don't trust your boyfriend.

What answers did you want?

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 14:28

There are plenty of things that could feel like a date depending on context. Me meeting dh at the cinema-date. Dh meeting his female friend at the cinema-not a date. Me meeting dh for lunch-date. Dh meeting his female friend for lunch-not a date.

It isn’t a date because they aren’t dating. You’re dating him.

You trust him or you don’t.

cuddlymunchkin · 21/03/2022 14:29

Sounds like a date to me. He’s prioritising her over you as well. Some people would be ok with that. I wouldn’t be.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 14:29

Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

I would have no problem with dh meeting a female friend somewhere nice for brunch. I have met male friends nice places for meals.

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 14:30

@cuddlymunchkin

Sounds like a date to me. He’s prioritising her over you as well. Some people would be ok with that. I wouldn’t be.
He already had plans. Was he supposed to drop everything because the op wanted to meet up?
Holly60 · 21/03/2022 14:30

It’s a really tough one because on the face of it, I’d love to say it’s totally fine for him to have a close female friend like this. In reality I’d hate it myself.

dreamingbohemian · 21/03/2022 14:32

Sorry but I think it's really weird that you think it's unusual or dodgy for her to go to his house. It sounds like something people would have said back in the 1950s or something!

I do all the same sorts of things with my male friends and female friends.

localbunny · 21/03/2022 14:34

One of my very long time best mates is male. I would absolutely have him round to mine, go shopping, go out, tell him I love him on the phone... do whatever I'd do with any friend. My husband has never ever had an issue with it, probably precisely because I'm so upfront about it/it's not a secret/there's nothing to hide! Frankly I've known him so long that if we wanted to date we... would have?

Try and see it as a positive that he's honest!

Underfrighter · 21/03/2022 14:35

I am on the fence with this. Is he seeing you at another point over the weekend or close to either side of it? Or has he made plans with someone else and not thought to make any with you? In my past relationships, 6 months in, you generally get into the habit of seeing each other most weekends at some point or have some sort of semi regular pattern of contact, so if he has broken this pattern and ot thought about seeing you when he would normally then I'd be a bit miffed. If you aren't at the seeing each other regularly / every weekend stage then I wouldnt be as bothered. Again at this stage of relationships we have tended to meet each others friends eg in that scenario maybe I'd have done walk and shops with a friend and the bf would have joined us for lunch or something. If you've been doing that with other friends and it stands out that he hasnt invited you to this meet up again I'd be miffed but less so if you haven't got to the stage of meeting each others friends yet

Sparklesocks · 21/03/2022 14:36

Either you trust him or you don’t, if you trust him then spending time with his female friend shouldn’t be an issue - but if you’re not sure you trust him and have doubts, then that is an issue. Sex drive levels aren’t relevant, plenty of people with high sex drives don’t cheat (and plenty with low sex drives also cheat!) - but the fact you’ve listed it as a reason to worry is revealing that you have wider concerns about him.

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