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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female friendship - am I too jealous?

139 replies

amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 13:52

In a new relationship with a guy, coming up 6 months. He has a close female friend and something about it makes me uncomfortable.

I was hoping to make plans with him at the weekend but he's already got plans with her. I asked what he was up to and he said she was coming round his, then they were going for a walk along the river and out for brunch and shopping.

Am I being really insecure to find this a bit much? I have plenty of man friends who I would go out to casual lunch with but I'd never have them around my place one on one and go out to brunch at some fancy hotel.

Apparently she has a partner, not that I'm sure if it makes a difference, but he does have a very high sex drive and something about her coming around his flat doesn't sit right with me.

Am I being massively jealous and overreacting or am I justified in feeling this way? AIBU?

OP posts:
whenwillthemadnessend · 21/03/2022 14:36

You have only been together six months
If it doesn't feel right then you need to be open. That's the only way the relationship will move on.

If he doesn't feel your important enough he will continue to see his friends over you. Male or female so that's that crux of the matter really. How important are you to him rightnow?

BlingLoving · 21/03/2022 14:38

I don't think the friendship in itself is a problem, and if they have routinely hung out, gone shopping etc, then no reason not to continue doing that.

I'd be more concerned if he wants to spend time with his friends (male or female) and not spend time with me. At 6 months in, I would expect that he would want to see you over the weekend. So it might be, "Friend and I are keen to hang out and do some shopping on Saturday so what about dinner on Saturday and then we head into town on Sunday to see that show/watch a movie/visit a museum/whatever".

Mummytobe93 · 21/03/2022 14:43

I don’t think it’s a about trust as such but about the idea of spending free time with a friend when you’ve got a girlfriend of few months.

I know some people are cool with this but I wouldn’t like to be turned down by my boyfriend cause he prefers to hang out with a friend (male or female).

I’m not possessive but early on in a relationship we spent any free time we had together.

ThatsNotItAtAll · 21/03/2022 14:43

It would bother me. If it wouldn't bother other people that's their look out, but friends who had relationships in which they tried to be cool about their boyfriends having uncomfortably close female friends always ended up having their comfort zones pushed and pushed and being gaslit into being cool with more and more uncomfortable situations... Its not a type of relationship I've ever been remotely interested in, and there are plenty of men out there who will have similar boundaries to you.

You're only 6 months in. If you're uncomfortable cut your losses. It doesn't matter whether it's "reasonable".

Besttobe8001 · 21/03/2022 14:45

I've a friend of 10 years who we often go to gigs together, stay over at each others places, go to dinner etc. Recently his girlfriend (9 months) doesn't like it so he's stopped calling for a chat and we've stopped hanging out. I'm gutted, and it'll backfire on her as well because I often talk to him about how he's feeling and provide him with emotional support and tell him when he's being unreasonable in arguments and so on. I can't help feeling abandoned by him and unfairly judged by her.

Stripey3000 · 21/03/2022 14:51

I have a male bestie, and we book fun days together at least a couple of times a year. We're both married, and neither of our spouses takes any issue with it because they know we like to hang out and talk about nerdy stuff or do fun, silly things. There's never been anything more to it and never would be. I just happen to have a male best friend.

MrsGHarrison87 · 21/03/2022 14:57

It's one of them those things that you just don't know if it's OK or not unless you know the dynamic between them. Older platonic friends of the opposite sex walking a dog together is going to be different to two young attractive horny people going on a day out together while relatively new partner is sat at home.

Original poster
amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 15:05

Surely it's weirder to ask to meet her to suss them out together though! I agree having never seen them together it's just in my mind.. but I don't want to go all bunny boiler over it.

My ex cheated on me with a female friend so while I wouldn't say I have trust issues with my current boyfriend, it's not always easy to just be so blasé about it.. countless friends have also been in the situation another poster mentioned above, close friends that they accepted but then boundaries were blurred and they no longer felt the priority.

At this moment in time, I do feel like a priority, I am not going to but I'm sure if I wanted him to cancel plans with her for me he would. I have no reason to believe he isn't into me but yes not knowing her or seeing how she is around him does make me uncomfortable. I could go so far as to say I don't trust her rather than I don't trust him. The 'date' plan was all her idea after all, AFAIK.

OP posts:
EmpressSuiko · 21/03/2022 15:08

Personally for me this would be put me off and I don’t think I’d continue with the relationship.
Lots of people say the opposite sex can be friends but from personal experience it’s never as platonic as people like to believe.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 15:10

It's not bunny boiler to say "ah nice - have fun! I'd love to meet her, we should arrange a double date one evening."

You're 6 months in and haven't met one of his best friends yet. It's good to show an interest.

Lastqueenofscotland · 21/03/2022 15:12

My DPs best friends are a group of girls. All in relay with other men.
My best mate is a man. Also happily married

I wouldn’t have an issue with this at all.

MrsWinters · 21/03/2022 15:15

I’d be fine with it. I broke up with a boyfriend because he used to get upset over me going out for dinner with my male friend. Yes we do date like things- but they’re not dates!!! My current long term partner is well aware, doesn’t mind and that’s why I love him

SoloSunrise · 21/03/2022 15:16

Honestly, it wouldn't be for me. Judging by this thread it would be fine with a lot of women, but I would probably end a fairly new relationship over something like this.

Original poster
amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 15:20

I do want to be okay with it and maybe it's not what I've experienced in the past. He just seems to find so many women attractive so I wonder why he'd want me when he has all these beautiful friends. I know that is more about me than him. I know it's fine to find people attractive and outwardly say so without meaning you will sleep with them or want to.

OP posts:
gannett · 21/03/2022 15:25

@Mummytobe93

I don’t think it’s a about trust as such but about the idea of spending free time with a friend when you’ve got a girlfriend of few months.

I know some people are cool with this but I wouldn’t like to be turned down by my boyfriend cause he prefers to hang out with a friend (male or female).

I’m not possessive but early on in a relationship we spent any free time we had together.

I was the opposite. When I first got together with DP, I made sure I didn't let my existing friendships fall by the wayside. I didn't want to be one of those people who vanish from the social circle when they get loved up. I didn't want to deprioritise my friends, who I'd known for years, over a new man I'd known for a few months.

DP was much the same and 10 years down the line it's paid off because we still have excellent friends.

gannett · 21/03/2022 15:32

Surely it's weirder to ask to meet her to suss them out together though! I agree having never seen them together it's just in my mind.. but I don't want to go all bunny boiler over it.

I'd want to meet my DP's friends but not to suss them out. I just like to meet new people and if he likes them there's a chance that I'll like them and might even become friends with them myself.

Overall I'm definitely on the side of "a walk and brunch is a perfectly normal thing to do with any friend, male or female, either one on one or in a group". But in terms of helping your insecurity when it comes to all these beautiful women he's friends with - well, if he wanted to be with them then he would be already. He's chosen to be with you.

I was once talking to a male friend about a mutual female friend of ours, asked him why they never got together because they're pretty similar and she's gorgeous. He said, of course she's beautiful, anyone with eyes can see that, and she's great company, but if we lived with each other it just wouldn't work because we want completely different things out of a relationship.

In most platonic friendships, both parties know they'd be incompatible as relationships.

Pinkbonbon · 21/03/2022 15:35

I would expect to meet her tbh, I message him 'I think its time I meet this friend of yours seen as you guys are this close. Ask her of she wants to do dinner with us some night next week'

Tbh it doesn't bode well that he hasn't suggested it though. Also, if my best male mate had a gf I would think it respectful to meet her as soon as possible so she could see me n him were just mates.

Lwren · 21/03/2022 15:37

I'd personally be fine with DP doing this with a friend, he'd feel the same.
We've both had partners of friends be hostile or downright vile towards us and try poking holes in our relationship because we're happy to have friends who are opposite sex to us. That's their insecurity, not ours.
I wouldn't sweat this OP, if it was anything to be worried about it would be a shady excuse, he's being honest.
And having plans with friends isn't not prioritising you as been said, he's just made other plans.
Don't put yourself down either, be as nice to yourself as you would about your friend.

Mummytobe93 · 21/03/2022 15:43

@gannett I didn’t vanish from my social circle - we simply attended events/ nights out together 😁 (unless it was a ladies only event).

5128gap · 21/03/2022 15:45

It may be platonic or it may be an affair hiding in plain sight. No way of knowing. And imo life is too short, and there's too many other men out there who don't have these situations to waste my time on one that would have me wondering.

AngelinaFibres · 21/03/2022 15:47

@amioverreacting6838

I'm not telling him to do something with me instead, and I haven't told him to stop. So no need for the comments here telling him to dump me thanks, they're irrelevant.

I was just coming here to ask if their day out and the fact she's coming over to his house would bother anyone else. It feels like more of a date to me. I don't need a lecture that men and women can be friends as I have plenty of my own, but wouldn't really plan that type of day out with them. Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

If I was in a new relationship I would imagine that, after working all week, I would be very keen to see that person, and to do the things with him that he is doing with this other woman. I would expect the person I had been seeing for 6 months to be very excited to see me too. I would certainly find it odd if he wanted to spend hours on end with someone else.
SoloSunrise · 21/03/2022 15:47

@5128gap

It may be platonic or it may be an affair hiding in plain sight. No way of knowing. And imo life is too short, and there's too many other men out there who don't have these situations to waste my time on one that would have me wondering.
Yes this is what I was thinking. I think in the long run it might end up being an emotional affair, if nothing else.
black2black · 21/03/2022 15:47

@SoloSunrise

Honestly, it wouldn't be for me. Judging by this thread it would be fine with a lot of women, but I would probably end a fairly new relationship over something like this.
Same here. I would never feel comfortable with this.
Herewegoagain84 · 21/03/2022 15:51

Have you met her? Is he happy for you two to spend time together at all? That’s how I would gauge their relationship. If he’s interested in you, he’d want you to know his friends. If he wants to keep you apart from her, I’d be more suspicious.

Charette · 21/03/2022 15:54

@amioverreacting6838

I'm not telling him to do something with me instead, and I haven't told him to stop. So no need for the comments here telling him to dump me thanks, they're irrelevant.

I was just coming here to ask if their day out and the fact she's coming over to his house would bother anyone else. It feels like more of a date to me. I don't need a lecture that men and women can be friends as I have plenty of my own, but wouldn't really plan that type of day out with them. Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

I do this all the time with a good male friend. I actually drove to the beach with him and had dinner there afterwards on a Saturday because DS was at a sleepover. DH has spent the weekend in another city visiting a female friend. Our sex drives are irrelevant to this.