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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female friendship - am I too jealous?

139 replies

amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 13:52

In a new relationship with a guy, coming up 6 months. He has a close female friend and something about it makes me uncomfortable.

I was hoping to make plans with him at the weekend but he's already got plans with her. I asked what he was up to and he said she was coming round his, then they were going for a walk along the river and out for brunch and shopping.

Am I being really insecure to find this a bit much? I have plenty of man friends who I would go out to casual lunch with but I'd never have them around my place one on one and go out to brunch at some fancy hotel.

Apparently she has a partner, not that I'm sure if it makes a difference, but he does have a very high sex drive and something about her coming around his flat doesn't sit right with me.

Am I being massively jealous and overreacting or am I justified in feeling this way? AIBU?

OP posts:
AKASammyScrounge · 21/03/2022 18:38

@amioverreacting6838

I'm not telling him to do something with me instead, and I haven't told him to stop. So no need for the comments here telling him to dump me thanks, they're irrelevant.

I was just coming here to ask if their day out and the fact she's coming over to his house would bother anyone else. It feels like more of a date to me. I don't need a lecture that men and women can be friends as I have plenty of my own, but wouldn't really plan that type of day out with them. Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

I think the setup is a bit suspicious. He should be keen to see you at the weekends.
beastlyslumber · 21/03/2022 18:41

I don't like the sound of him. He finds so many women attractive and has a high sex drive? It just sounds like he's setting you up for when you find out he's cheating and he says, you always knew what I was like, babe.

billy1966 · 21/03/2022 18:43

billy1966

If it was a regular thing that he was choosing to spend whole days at the weekend with her as your relationship continues, I would think he isn't really that into the relationship with me and probably doesn't have the time for one.

@Gwenhwyfar, did you not read the post you quoted?

I wrote "if it was a regular thing.."

IF

Claddinghell · 21/03/2022 18:59

I have a make best friend. We did date years ago, but much better as friends now. We see each other every few weeks and tend to spend hours together. We go out for food and play video games. It’s not a date, it’s what we do.

Girls have been bothered in the past and been jealous. They haven’t last long in his life. My boyfriend’s haven’t been bothered.

The last girl he saw - only a month relationship- went crazy as due to covid events I spent Xmas with him. Stayed over but in the spare room. She didn’t last.

We are friends that are in it for the long haul. Both supported each other massively. We accept our dynamic changes when we meet partners, but there is nothing romantic between us.

It’s great when we both are dating and we can go out on double dates.

MurmuratingStarling · 21/03/2022 19:00

@cigarettesNalcohol

Trust your gut feeling. That's weird. My husband has female friends that he knows from high school and he still see them BUT he sees them in a group setting with other people/couples... and I always get invited along. These women have become my friends too. All good.

What you wrote sounds weird. He should want to spend more time with you. Or invite you to join them at the very least.

This. Many people say a male and a female can be platonic friends, and in many cases that is true. But a man and a woman, who are friends,^ constantly meeting together (just the two of them) and never in a group setting is odd, especially when one or both of them is in a relationship.

He should be wanting to spend more time with you - NOT his female friends.

@amioverreacting6838 YANBU, and ignore the cool wives who say you are.

I think it's very suspicious when women come on here and say their partner has a female friend who they don't know, and they are excluded from their 'friendship.' Dodgy as fuck. It's a certain type of woman who always has to be friends with men who are in a relationship, and they NEVER want to be friends with her male friend's partner.

5128gap · 21/03/2022 19:57

@sayanythingelse

Women like many on this thread are the reason I've lost a lot of my long term friends. I've always got on better with men and a few have dropped out my life because girlfriends didn't like them having a close female friend. I've been deleted off all my old housemates socials by his wife and had my number blocked from a long term friends phone for no reason other than having a vagina. Despite the fact I've been happily married for 8 years.

My DH has a female best friend. He's known her since primary school and I've never even considered that I should worry about their friendship.

No, they're not. Women have the right to say they're not comfortable with anything they like, and equally, men have the right to say too bad and walk away. If your male friends chose not to, that's on them. Its probably a good reason not to decide you get on better with men than with other women though.
beastlyslumber · 21/03/2022 20:22

Women think they have male friends. Men think they have options.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 20:36

@Dillydollydingdong

No, no, no. That's not right. A gf ranks higher than a friend. I'd expect my bf to want to spend his time with me, not some other woman. My bf had a female friend 2 years ago when we met but she didn't like it that he had another woman, and he preferred to be with me anyway. They aren't friends any more.
Friends will be there long after boyfriends and girlfriends.
Charette · 21/03/2022 20:54

@beastlyslumber

Women think they have male friends. Men think they have options.
Yeah, well, mine are clearly playing a very long game, given they have refrained from putting the moves on me for over 20 years in one case. Hmm
ZenNudist · 21/03/2022 21:01

If you Don't trust him you have bigger problems. You sound insecure.

Could you sound him out on whether you are in an exclusive relationship and if this woman is or has ever been a FWB at least? Just telling him straight that you've been cheated on before with friends turning out to be livers and you can't do that painful circus again. Keeping calm, being honest but also not judgemental Could help you here. At least he will know you aren't going to take him going on dates with thus woman.

I think it sounds like a date too FWIW. That might be in denial about being each others' back up.

ZenNudist · 21/03/2022 21:02

Lovers not livers!

PurpleDaisies · 21/03/2022 21:32

When are you supposed to see your friends if you work full time and are supposed to be spending every minute with your partner at weekends? Confused

BulletTrain · 21/03/2022 22:13

I've been burned by this. My first boyfriend had a female best friend and about 6 weeks in she realised he really liked me and I wasn't going to conveniently disappear like his previous girlfriends. Lo, she developed "feelings" and kissed him, we broke up, they got together and then she ditched him after about 3 months, when she was sure I'd moved on.

If you meet her and you feel like the audience would be rooting for them to get together in a romcom, dump.

Calandor · 21/03/2022 22:24

Yes. If they're close friends and have been for a while I think you're being unreasonable in expecting them to stop going on days out as mates. Or expecting to tag along every time.

Vwswimmer1 · 21/03/2022 22:44

My husband's best friend is female. They were friends before we got together and would and still have days like you described. It's never bothered me because I always thought if they'd wanted to be together presumably they would be 🤷🏼‍♀️

donquixotedelamancha · 21/03/2022 22:50

Yes, you are being possesive and paranoid. Unfortunately MN is the worst place to ask since loads of people think opposite sexes can't be friends without fucking.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/03/2022 22:52

Women think they have male friends. Men think they have options.

Yes, all men think the same way and none of them are capable of seeing women as people and forming friendships, they just want sex.

Similarly all the women of MN have the same opinions about everything.

Thewindwhispers · 21/03/2022 23:08

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. Sounds like his friend is already filling a lot of the girlfriend role and there isn’t much space left for you.

If she’s just a friend, why didn’t he invite you along too? Because it isn’t a casual friendship, it’s one of those intense 1:1 friendships that happen between a man and a woman when they’re attracted to each other, but one of them is taken and they don’t want to cheat, but they want to stay in touch in case at some future point they’re both single…

Why did he make plans with her? You’ve only been together 6 months, why isn’t he all over you?

Thewindwhispers · 21/03/2022 23:10

@beastlyslumber

Women think they have male friends. Men think they have options.
🤣👏 Soooooo true
Fupoffyagrasshole · 21/03/2022 23:40

I even sleep over at my best mates house who is a man!! (I’m married!) but live in on a different city to him! So if I go to visit I sometimes crash at his - it’s always been like this and my husband has no issues nor does my friends girlfriend.

He comes to stay at ours sometimes too !!

We would totally go on a day out like that too - just like you would with a girl pal -

What do you think a suitable friend activity is that they could do together if a normal days walk, brunch and hanging out at the house isn’t suitable??

MsDogLady · 22/03/2022 05:23

He just seems to find so many women attractive…

OP, could you please elaborate? It sounds like your BF regularly compliments other women on their attractiveness. Such behavior is highly disrespectful to you, and indicates weak boundaries/pursuit of ego validation.

As for his Saturday plans with this female friend, your feelings are certainly valid. Don’t disregard your boundaries. Their agenda to visit in his flat, walk along the river, brunch at the nice hotel, and shop afterward does have an intimate feel. I am wondering why, after 6 months, you’ve been excluded from meeting such a significant friend of his.

This guy would not be the one for me.

Moodycow78 · 22/03/2022 05:29

They're clearly going on a date so no I wouldn't be happy about this either. He's giving his free time to another woman and doesn't want to see you, tells you all you need to know which is why you're uncomfortable. Throw him back and move on.

Peoniesandcream · 22/03/2022 05:36

I used to have a close male friend, we'd take each other for dinner on our birthdays, I'd go to his to watch a film etc. My exH was controlling and jealous and ruined our friendship. Haven't talked to the mate in years. I'd say they were friends before you came along and work on your jealousy.

Laniania · 22/03/2022 06:04

You've given absolutely no indication that this is anything other than a friendship, and I honestly think it's crazy to expect friendships with women to vanish just because a man gets a girlfriend.

OTOH, if you're getting a weird vibe from the guy maybe your instincts are onto something, as there seems to be no rational reason to worry?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 22/03/2022 06:45

Dp is a bit suspicious of my female friends, there's one in particular she brings up when she's ranting.

The friend helped me a lot during my divorce, I'll be forever grateful. We never slept together but where fast friends during this time.

Although she doesn't approve of my DP and early on wanted me elope with her to Dubai for 6 months. I said no.😬
My other friends are quite benign but even so I think when in a relationship friends especially mixed have to be managed sensitively.