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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female friendship - am I too jealous?

139 replies

amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 13:52

In a new relationship with a guy, coming up 6 months. He has a close female friend and something about it makes me uncomfortable.

I was hoping to make plans with him at the weekend but he's already got plans with her. I asked what he was up to and he said she was coming round his, then they were going for a walk along the river and out for brunch and shopping.

Am I being really insecure to find this a bit much? I have plenty of man friends who I would go out to casual lunch with but I'd never have them around my place one on one and go out to brunch at some fancy hotel.

Apparently she has a partner, not that I'm sure if it makes a difference, but he does have a very high sex drive and something about her coming around his flat doesn't sit right with me.

Am I being massively jealous and overreacting or am I justified in feeling this way? AIBU?

OP posts:
Samarie123 · 21/03/2022 15:56

I’d arrange a day out with a male since you have them. See how he reacts.
Seems a bit weird if you ask me, lunch and a walk by the river? Different if it was watching a game of footie in the pub and both supported the same team, that would be more understandable…

5128gap · 21/03/2022 15:58

@ThatsNotItAtAll

It would bother me. If it wouldn't bother other people that's their look out, but friends who had relationships in which they tried to be cool about their boyfriends having uncomfortably close female friends always ended up having their comfort zones pushed and pushed and being gaslit into being cool with more and more uncomfortable situations... Its not a type of relationship I've ever been remotely interested in, and there are plenty of men out there who will have similar boundaries to you.

You're only 6 months in. If you're uncomfortable cut your losses. It doesn't matter whether it's "reasonable".

Completely agree. All these accusations of insecurity and jealousy, that have women believing they're unreasonable if they should question anything a man chooses to do, are an absolute gift to men looking to take advantage.
Verv · 21/03/2022 15:59

I wouldn't and dont have a problem with partner seeing friends.
If their plans were fixed before yours then why wouldn't he be able to spend a day with his friend?

Sorry, but its usually friends that are there for you when relationships fall by the wayside so I think its fine to prioritise them some of the time.

sayanythingelse · 21/03/2022 15:59

Women like many on this thread are the reason I've lost a lot of my long term friends.
I've always got on better with men and a few have dropped out my life because girlfriends didn't like them having a close female friend. I've been deleted off all my old housemates socials by his wife and had my number blocked from a long term friends phone for no reason other than having a vagina. Despite the fact I've been happily married for 8 years.

My DH has a female best friend. He's known her since primary school and I've never even considered that I should worry about their friendship.

Ionlydomassiveones · 21/03/2022 16:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

dumdumduuuummmmm · 21/03/2022 16:02

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno You would drop pre existing plans with a friend if your partner of 6 months decided they wanted to do something at that particular time?

No, I wouldn't make plans for the weekend without checking in with my partner first. After 6 months I would assume my partner and I would be seeing each other in the weekend. But hey, that's just me. On MN, it seems that 6 months is barely a relationship.

user375242 · 21/03/2022 16:06

I have an opposite sex best friend, and generally choose to invite them round when DH is not home, and they often sleep over too, which might sound dodgy, but it is actually because I prioritize time with DH, and I need time to socialise without him sometimes. When I first met DH, I introduced them quickly, and made sure we all spent time together often, particularly at first. I wouldn't have ditched DH for a full 'date like' day when we were only 6 months dating.

Consequently my friendship did suffer for a few years, and I almost lost contact with my friend, so finding the balance is tricky. It's not right to ditch a close friend for a new relationship, but I do think special considerations need to be made when friends are opposite sex. He should go for a walk/brunch/couple of drinks with friend but then go and see you, or see you for the day and then spend the evening with the friend. Or invite you along for at least half of the plans!

Of course I really do believe friendships like this can be platonic, but honestly we all know it's probably more common in close opposite sex friendships that one of the two is hoping for something more. A lot of my friendships have been with the opposite sex, and I have swore blind each time they were platonic, and all but one has eventually wanted more (ruining the friendship).

1forAll74 · 21/03/2022 16:06

I wouldn't mind this situation with a man friend, going out for six months with someone, doesn't mean you are stuck together permanently, and each of you can socialise with others outside of your relationship if you wish.

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 21/03/2022 16:06

[quote dumdumduuuummmmm]**@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno* You would drop pre existing plans with a friend if your partner of 6 months decided they wanted to do something at that particular time?*

No, I wouldn't make plans for the weekend without checking in with my partner first. After 6 months I would assume my partner and I would be seeing each other in the weekend. But hey, that's just me. On MN, it seems that 6 months is barely a relationship.[/quote]
So your friend says "fancy some lunch on saturday" and you say "I'm not sure I'll have to ask the person I've been dating for 6 months to see if they come up with a better offer, if not then I'll have lunch with you" Confused

They aren't living together, they have been dating for a short period of time, why should he check with op every single offer of a lunch/dinner/night out before he accepts.

What a really weird attitude.

Echobelly · 21/03/2022 16:06

Have you met her? I think that without seeing them interact, it might be hard to say whether you have anything to be worried about. If he seems to be deliberately keeping you apart, obviously that's suss, but I think one would get a picture seeing them together.

gannett · 21/03/2022 16:12

@Samarie123

I’d arrange a day out with a male since you have them. See how he reacts. Seems a bit weird if you ask me, lunch and a walk by the river? Different if it was watching a game of footie in the pub and both supported the same team, that would be more understandable…
What is weird about lunch and a walk? Genuinely can't imagine.

If either DP or I wanted to watch a game of football now that would be weird given that neither of us can stand it.

Meltedwellie · 21/03/2022 16:24

YABU there's nothing wrong with him seeing a friend like this. Work on your own self esteem and don't bring past people's behaviour into a good current relationship.

Myoldtable · 21/03/2022 16:24

I think it’s interesting that you know that he finds lots of women attractive. Why did he feel the need to tell you that?

Mummytobe93 · 21/03/2022 16:32

It’s not really a night out/dinner though, they’re planning on spending the whole day together …

Hawkins001 · 21/03/2022 16:39

@amioverreacting6838

I'm not telling him to do something with me instead, and I haven't told him to stop. So no need for the comments here telling him to dump me thanks, they're irrelevant.

I was just coming here to ask if their day out and the fact she's coming over to his house would bother anyone else. It feels like more of a date to me. I don't need a lecture that men and women can be friends as I have plenty of my own, but wouldn't really plan that type of day out with them. Can't imagine their girlfriends and wives would be best pleased if I did.

Some people have different perspectives, I know a friend who has different ladies over, and it's just chatting and games evenings or afternoon's ect
5128gap · 21/03/2022 16:41

@Meltedwellie

YABU there's nothing wrong with him seeing a friend like this. Work on your own self esteem and don't bring past people's behaviour into a good current relationship.
A woman prepared to set boundaries regarding the type of behaviour she is comfortable in accepting from a man does not need to work on her self esteem. It's actually the reverse. A woman who forces herself to tolerate a situation she doesn't like (and it matters nothing that other people are fine with it given she's not) just to keep a man, is a woman who lacks confidence in her own worth. Women should not be urging each other to accommodate men's behaviour that they have a problem with.
AnneKisee · 21/03/2022 16:41

Depends on the man OP.
DP wouldn't be caught dead doing 'brunch and shopping' with ANYBODY, except for me. Male, female, blue spotted giraffe.
One of my other male friends however is v. into fashion and would happily do so.

I have more male friends (because of my profession) and while I'd do thing with them one-on-one the majority wouldn't want to shop. On that basis I'd find this strange but not a blanket no.

GO with your gut. Honestly. All of the advice here is useless because it's so nuanced

AnneKisee · 21/03/2022 16:42

@Myoldtable

I think it’s interesting that you know that he finds lots of women attractive. Why did he feel the need to tell you that?
This would be a MAJOR red flag for me!
girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 16:46

@Myoldtable

I think it’s interesting that you know that he finds lots of women attractive. Why did he feel the need to tell you that?
Yeah what's this about OP? It makes me think you're more reasonable to be wary than the initial post did.
Ohyesiam · 21/03/2022 16:55

Have you met her? I’d ask if I could be included.

Delawaregirl · 21/03/2022 17:03

Sounds very like my ex. Used to have so many women friends..never felt special to him at all, he used to have pics of them up on his notice board and tell me all their life stories.

I'd just see how it goes but I got fed up with being fitted in between other women. Wasn't for me.

Samarie123 · 21/03/2022 17:05

We’ll that’s different if you both can’t stand it but I wasn’t talking about you and your DP I was talking to the OP. And watching a game of football with a friend if they had that mutual interest - using it as an example

SartresSoul · 21/03/2022 17:09

6 months in I’d have expected to have met his very close friend tbh. The fact you haven’t met her is odd? I’d be asking to tag along one day because you’d love to meet his friends, see how he reacts and that will tell you all you need to know.

Gonnagetgoing · 21/03/2022 17:09

I wouldn't be impressed that he was prioritising her over me, no.

Surely at 6 months you're all over each other and if you also feel she's planned it as a 'date' then despite her having a partner I'm sorry I wouldn't trust her.

He shouldn't have to be told not to go either, but some men are a bit slow re this.

Supertree · 21/03/2022 17:14

Why is he regularly telling you he finds other women attractive? That seems really odd to me. Has he specifically told you that he finds this female friend attractive? I mean, my husband and I both have eyes and know that other people are attractive, but I don't need to tell my husband which men I find attractive and he doesn't tell me when he finds other women attractive. That especially wouldn't have been happening six months into our relationship when you're on cloud nine and only have eyes for each other.