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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female friendship - am I too jealous?

139 replies

amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 13:52

In a new relationship with a guy, coming up 6 months. He has a close female friend and something about it makes me uncomfortable.

I was hoping to make plans with him at the weekend but he's already got plans with her. I asked what he was up to and he said she was coming round his, then they were going for a walk along the river and out for brunch and shopping.

Am I being really insecure to find this a bit much? I have plenty of man friends who I would go out to casual lunch with but I'd never have them around my place one on one and go out to brunch at some fancy hotel.

Apparently she has a partner, not that I'm sure if it makes a difference, but he does have a very high sex drive and something about her coming around his flat doesn't sit right with me.

Am I being massively jealous and overreacting or am I justified in feeling this way? AIBU?

OP posts:
ThatsNotItAtAll · 21/03/2022 17:16

5128gap I completely agree. If you aren't happy with a situation then being comfortable to say "thanks but no thanks" to a relationship indicates high self esteem. Trying to retrain yourself to be fine with a situation you don't like indicates low self esteem and desperation to be in a relationship no matter how uncomfortable tbh.

Nobody owes anyone a relationship and nobody has to justify not liking something - it doesn't matter whether other people think it's fine.

Onlyforcake · 21/03/2022 17:17

If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable now when he's trying most, then this relationship has probably run its course.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2022 17:25

@MrsGHarrison87

It's one of them those things that you just don't know if it's OK or not unless you know the dynamic between them. Older platonic friends of the opposite sex walking a dog together is going to be different to two young attractive horny people going on a day out together while relatively new partner is sat at home.
I don't think their age has anything to do with it. Young people are able to have platonic friendships too.
Charette · 21/03/2022 17:25

You're right, @5128gap, that women shouldn't encourage other women to go along with something they're not comfortable with, but the OP did ask whether other people would be uncomfortable in the scenario she's describing, so it's hardly unreasonable to say if you'd be fine with it. Even if that's totally irrelevant, as the OP is understandably sensitive about the situation as her ex slept with his female friend.

All she can do, though, realistically, is end the relationship if she's not happy with the status quo. Agreed that it's rather odd that she knows he 'finds lots of women attractive'. Perhaps he's the kind of sleaze who stares lingering at female passersby when they're out together.

However, if he's a decent human being who is committed to his girlfriend, there's nothing inherently wrong here. As others have said, as a woman with longterm opposite-sex friends, I'd be deeply unimpressed if a boyfriend of six months wanted me not to see a friend of 20 years.

One of the odder things about being in your late 40s is that you see how often good friendships outlast relationships. I have two good male friends who have separated from their wives in the past two years -- in one case I'm also, to a lesser extent, friends with his wife, and am trying to maintain the friendship separately.

But people would be crazy to ditch a good, sustaining longtime friendship for a relationship.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2022 17:29

@Ionlydomassiveones

In my experience a man won’t ditch a new woman in his life to spend time having a lazy day doing brunch and shopping with a ‘friend’ unless he’s keeping his options open with the ‘friend’ for when she’s free. I know men and women can have platonic friendships but men won’t willingly sack off someone they’re genuinely head over heels for. I would not be happy about this and I’d be looking to throw this one back in.
Oh come on. They go for lads' nights out and go to watch sports and do all sorts of things even when in a relationship.
billy1966 · 21/03/2022 17:29

If it was a regular thing that he was choosing to spend whole days at the weekend with her as your relationship continues, I would think he isn't really that into the relationship with me and probably doesn't have the time for one.

I'm not a jealous person I don't think, but if he is saying he can't meet you at the weekend regularly because he is busy with her, I would take it that he isn't that into me, and leave them to it.

If a guy is into you, he wants to see you and there is no confusion.

beinggreen · 21/03/2022 17:30

He already had plans. He's not prioritising another woman over you, OP, he's sticking to whatever he agreed first, which is reasonable.

You mentioned he had a high sex drive in a way that suggested you worry about this - do you also have a high sex drive, or are you mismatched in that respect?

You also mentioned his beautiful friends - I'm guessing you're not feeling amazing about yourself at the moment. Is there something you could do to give yourself a little boost? Have you assumed he finds them attractive, or has he told you?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2022 17:34

@billy1966

If it was a regular thing that he was choosing to spend whole days at the weekend with her as your relationship continues, I would think he isn't really that into the relationship with me and probably doesn't have the time for one.

I'm not a jealous person I don't think, but if he is saying he can't meet you at the weekend regularly because he is busy with her, I would take it that he isn't that into me, and leave them to it.

If a guy is into you, he wants to see you and there is no confusion.

When did OP say it was a regular thing? It may have been an arrangement made a long time ago.
DrManhattan · 21/03/2022 17:35

Op if you aren't happy with this and you feel there is something off, end the relationship.
It doesn't matter what anyone says on here. Trust your gut feelings about this one. Take care xxx

AngelinaFibres · 21/03/2022 17:50

You both work full time, I presume, so weekend time is precious. You've been together for 6 months, so it's very likely quite a lot of sex might be involved if he saw you Op. And yet he is spending all of one of those days with a woman he isn't (so he says) going to have sex with. Seems totally odd to me.

AngelinaFibres · 21/03/2022 17:53

Particularly for a man who you say has a high sex drive

Original poster
amioverreacting6838 · 21/03/2022 17:54

@beinggreen

He already had plans. He's not prioritising another woman over you, OP, he's sticking to whatever he agreed first, which is reasonable.

You mentioned he had a high sex drive in a way that suggested you worry about this - do you also have a high sex drive, or are you mismatched in that respect?

You also mentioned his beautiful friends - I'm guessing you're not feeling amazing about yourself at the moment. Is there something you could do to give yourself a little boost? Have you assumed he finds them attractive, or has he told you?

I never once said he was prioritising anyone over me.
OP posts:
Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 21/03/2022 17:59

A few things OP:

  • he finds so many woman artractive? Is he stating this? Is he trying to make you jealous? Or are we talking " angelina jolie is my dream woman" sort of thing?
  • why have you not met and spent time with such a good female friend? If its so innocent - why are you not going ? Its weird she isnt wanting to get to know you?
  • six months in, i couodnt be bothered with this: you feel insecure and hes not really doing anything to make you feel otherwise
  • a whole day? I dont get to spend the whole bloody day with my pals? How have THEY got time? Theres a difference between all these posters saying "omg ive got males pals i meet for coffee.." aye, but probably not for the full day umless youre climbing a mountain together!?
  • is she hot? If you are more attractive, then fuck it, harsh but true.
TabithaTittlemouse · 21/03/2022 18:00

I wouldn’t have a problem with this especially 6 months in.
I’ve been with Dh for ten years, we both have friends of the opposite sex and wouldn’t think anything of doing this with our friends.

Why does the bit about her going to his house bother you?

Dillydollydingdong · 21/03/2022 18:00

No, no, no. That's not right. A gf ranks higher than a friend. I'd expect my bf to want to spend his time with me, not some other woman. My bf had a female friend 2 years ago when we met but she didn't like it that he had another woman, and he preferred to be with me anyway. They aren't friends any more.

Hiddenvoice · 21/03/2022 18:02

I have more male friends than female friends. I’ve regularly met them for lunch/ dinner, gone shopping and cinema etc. I’m married and it’s only a platonic relationship.
Nothing is hidden and my husband has become friends with them too.
Whenever one of my friends starts a new relationship I back off a little so as to not interfere. I’ve lost one of my closest friends because his partner was uncomfortable about us talking. I met her so many times and tried my hardest to be her friend to which she went along with. I started group chats with them and my husband so we could hang out as a group but in the end she didn’t like it. I respect both of their decisions and wouldn’t want to come in between their relationship so haven’t been in touch.
It’s rubbish though because men and women can have friends of opposite sex and not be attracted to them.
If he’s not seen his friend in a while and they had plans arranged then I’d just say to him to have fun and if he was free at night or next day ask to meet up.
Over time, ask to hang out as a group so you can feel part of it too.
I know it’s tricky because there are people out there who say it’s just a friend when it’s not but it’s been 6 months and he’s not shown any signs of that.

Colderthanever · 21/03/2022 18:03

I have plenty of man friends who I would go out to casual lunch with but I'd never have them around my place one on one and go out to brunch at some fancy hotel

How very Victorian of you. I don’t differentiate my friends by gender like this. And how do you know she has a high sex drive for gods sake?

To be honest, yes you just sound mad jealous.

LittleMissMoggy · 21/03/2022 18:07

@Dillydollydingdong

No, no, no. That's not right. A gf ranks higher than a friend. I'd expect my bf to want to spend his time with me, not some other woman. My bf had a female friend 2 years ago when we met but she didn't like it that he had another woman, and he preferred to be with me anyway. They aren't friends any more.
What a strange comment. It's ok to sometimes prioritise a friend, family member, hobby, work. I have male friends and will see them one on one and in group settings with my husband. I have gone to stay with one of my best male friends alone for weekends - where we go out for walks, dinner, drinks.
Dorathedragon · 21/03/2022 18:07

What bothers you most, is it the fact it’s a girl or that he’s chosen his friend over you?

For me it wouldn’t bother me at all unless it’s an ongoing thing and you don’t get any time together.

Dorathedragon · 21/03/2022 18:09

@Dillydollydingdong

No, no, no. That's not right. A gf ranks higher than a friend. I'd expect my bf to want to spend his time with me, not some other woman. My bf had a female friend 2 years ago when we met but she didn't like it that he had another woman, and he preferred to be with me anyway. They aren't friends any more.
Wow! So your BF isn’t allowed to see his friends?!
Charette · 21/03/2022 18:12

@Dillydollydingdong

No, no, no. That's not right. A gf ranks higher than a friend. I'd expect my bf to want to spend his time with me, not some other woman. My bf had a female friend 2 years ago when we met but she didn't like it that he had another woman, and he preferred to be with me anyway. They aren't friends any more.
See, I think that's ridiculous. A new relationship of six months shouldn't 'rank higher' than an established friendship. Of course there's always a risk when you're wild about someone at the start of a new relationship that you'll drop your friends entirely, but most people think that's a dreadful idea -- no one relationship can sustain a person alone, however happy. Would you ditch a good female friendship because your new boyfriend felt you should be spending all your time with him? Surely, no matter how besotted you are, you should realise that someone trying to separate you from your friends is a red flag. And that red flag doesn't become any less red because it's an opposite-sex friendship.
BaileysBreakfast · 21/03/2022 18:16

Have you met her? I always judge this kind of thing by whether the ‘friend’ looks me squarely in the eye. Usually in this situation genuine ‘just friends’ will go out of their way to be friendly with a new girlfriend to show that they aren’t after the guy.

Dillydollydingdong · 21/03/2022 18:18

dorathedragon of course he could if he wanted to. I didn't say anything about the FF. He prefers to be with me, that's all

Bouledeneige · 21/03/2022 18:20

I'd be fine with it. I gave that kind of friendship with a man.

cigarettesNalcohol · 21/03/2022 18:30

Trust your gut feeling. That's weird. My husband has female friends that he knows from high school and he still see them BUT he sees them in a group setting with other people/couples... and I always get invited along. These women have become my friends too. All good.

What you wrote sounds weird. He should want to spend more time with you. Or invite you to join them at the very least.