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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I refuse to have child home from school?

149 replies

GreenTeaMom · 21/03/2022 07:48

So, for the last 3 weeks my daughter has been sent home from school. It tends to happen on exactly the same day every week when the teacher isn’t in and it’s the teaching assistants only and majority of the time, once my daughter is home they are absolutely fine and able to play and run around etc.

To give some background, my daughter is 7 and goes to an SEN school because of autism.

I have had to push back a lot of important meetings because of this. I have written in their journal today that unless vomiting or high temperature etc that they would have to try and remain in school because I don’t want them to then start building a reluctance going into school etc.

If the school ring me this week and just complain that my daughter ‘isn’t like their usual self’ can I refuse to have them home? What would happen if I say no?

Obviously if my daughter is actually unwell I would be the first parent to have her back at home, but I think there could potentially be a few things going on; firstly that my daughter has learnt how to behave in order to come home because the first time she got sent home it was on the day she knew her parcel was being delivered and that’s the first thing she asked for once she got home, and secondly I wonder if it’s a lack of competence on the teaching assistances behalf (there is 2-3 of them) because they tend to send her home on the days that the teacher isn’t in school…

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 21/03/2022 07:52

Tricky. My son’s school never phone my dh, always me. Totally baffles them that I can’t collect immediately as you know, I’m at work an hour away. Was only when I said once, I’m at work, just like you that it dawned on them.
Could you say you’re at a meeting a bit of a distance away?

Original poster
GreenTeaMom · 21/03/2022 07:54

@icelollycraving that’s a good idea but the only issue is they know I do all my work from home 😣 I just think they are too quick to ring, one of the times they rang me they said she has been crying all morning… she had only been in school for 20 minutes…

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 21/03/2022 07:55

Why do they have a day when a teacher isn’t in? Is this a temporary arrangement?

Berthatydfil · 21/03/2022 07:57

This could be considered an illegal exclusion. Make a record of all the days/dates and times to show that there is a pattern and go in to see the head teacher armed with this information.

Allandnothing · 21/03/2022 07:58

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school.
If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school
Day.

Paddingtonsmarmlade · 21/03/2022 07:58

I don't know but I'm wondering myself. Ds seems to be sent home the day before school trip/ education person visits etc and requires a pcr for a cough/other symptom (that doesn't seem to happen again once he is home) before he can return.

CookiesAndMilk97 · 21/03/2022 07:59

She's entitled to full time education, if they're sending her home for crying for twenty minutes that is unlawful and your well within your rights to refuse.

If they try this week I would refuse and ask for the head teacher to ring you as you want to log a complaint with them and the board of governors.

PhileasPhilby · 21/03/2022 07:59

I think the best thing you can do here is be proactive with the school. Don’t wait for them to ring you again. Talk to them (the teacher ideally) today if you can saying you’ve noticed a pattern seems to be developing, what do they think, what can you all put in place to help your daughter feel happier on days the teacher isn’t there so she doesn’t need to fake being ill, also how they respond if your daughter says / shows she’s unwell.

I’d also be telling my daughter I’d noticed the pattern too & try to work out with her what’s different & what might help her stay at school.

Hopefully just raising school’s awareness to the pattern will help stop it. (And yes, ideally they’d notice too but you have 1 child to think about so of course likely to notice sooner.)

SartresSoul · 21/03/2022 08:00

Yes you can, I did it before. When my DS was in year 3 he went through a spell of asking to go home and they gave into him every time for some reason. I’m not sure what he told them, usually that he felt sick I think but they kept calling me to collect him when I was at work which is impossible for me to do as a teacher. I did it twice, DH did it once then the fourth time it happened in as many weeks I put my foot down and said no. I told them he’s absolutely fine when I collect him, there’s never anything wrong with him at all so no I won’t be collecting him and I’m at work so can you please only call me if there’s an actual emergency I.e if he actually vomits. I also had a word with the teacher one morning about it and explained he’s always fine as soon as I collect him and it’s disrupting my work and his education. It stopped and they never called me again.

PhileasPhilby · 21/03/2022 08:00

And please don’t go straight to headteacher & governors if you haven’t discussed it with the class teacher first. It’s a new pattern. Work together to help your daughter get through it.

cansu · 21/03/2022 08:01

I think you need to have a meeting with someone at school to ask them if the TA are struggling to manage your daughter. Explain that on all the occasions she has been sent home, she has been well and therefore she is expressing some other kind of issue. Perhaps she is struggling with the timetable, expectations or lack of teacher. I have two with ASD and would not accept this. It might also be worth telling a white lie that you are working out of the home some days over the next few weeks.

CastleCrasher · 21/03/2022 08:02

If you really feel that she's fine then firstly, I'd raise this with the teacher that you are concerned that there is a pattern of DD being sent home on the days the teacher is not there.
Secondly, when they phone, take the time to think about what they are saying. Dd vomiting obviously means come right now, as you've acknowledged. But if it's "she's not herself" then ask for specifics and suggest a solution. Eg Ok, sounds like she's a bit overwhelmed, can she have a bit of quiet time in the next lesson please and if she's still not settled then, phone me back. Or "ah, I think she's just excited to get home for three delivery that's coming today, if you let her know I'll have it with me when I collect her at the end of the day she'll be fine"

ILoveMyMonkey · 21/03/2022 08:02

Teacher here. I would discuss it with the class teacher and explain you’ve noticed a pattern of school avoidance on a particular day but that once home they’re fine. I would keep a child in that situation and my go to phrase is “let’s see how you are in…” they’re inevitably fine and I can get them through the day. I wouldn’t just refuse to collect but would discuss and come up with a plan of action.

ididntevennotice · 21/03/2022 08:02

When DD started doing this I arranged a meeting with her school to discuss why it was happening (in your case the teacher not being there) and what could be done to prevent it. I would t go refusing to pick her up and getting into a battle with them, work together and see what can be worked out

MargotsGreenBean · 21/03/2022 08:03

Completely agree with @PhileasPhilby.

MargotsGreenBean · 21/03/2022 08:03

Completely agree with @PhileasPhilby.

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 21/03/2022 08:04

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.
Did you even read the OP? Or did you just read the title?

The child is not ill. They are not being sent home because they are ill.

The child is already in a special school and it is exactly their job to manage this kind of behaviour from a child who just fancies going home.

Birdkin · 21/03/2022 08:04

Could you have a pre emptive meeting with the school, say you’ve noticed this pattern and you’d like to work with them to address it.

It might be that your daughter is struggling with her teacher not there and her teacher can do some work when she is to help DD keep to her normal routine. This is likely something they have experience with so they should have strategies they can try.

It could also be over zealousness on the TAs part, it’s possible they’ve had a complaint about not sending a child home who did turn out to be ill and now they’re not confident making that judgement so leave it to the parents. Just making it clear you’re happy for her to stay and see how she gets on, even if she does turn out to be ill later, may help.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 21/03/2022 08:07

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.
Points for guessing who didn't read the original post
Ilovethewild · 21/03/2022 08:09

Ha, my ds can vomit at will and went through a vomit in school toilets phase. School would insist I collect him. I eventually had a conversation with school and they got it and now only call if he is actually unwell. He can or says he has vomited (more likely ‘spat out’) if he smells /sees/touches certain things eg tomatoes. Now School keep him in and don’t even call me as 2 mins later he is fine! It clicked for them when I collected him, him all smiling, and I had a conversation with senco at gate with said poorly child running up and down pavement, giggling and smiling and hungry. Not really unwell eh?
Child has SEN

😂 😂.

Aprilx · 21/03/2022 08:11

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.
No school isn’t childcare. But school is school and children have the right to go to school and receive their education. Not be sent home because it is more convenient for the school, which there are hints of here
JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 21/03/2022 08:21

We went through similar with our son and his SEN school - every other month, he'd go to respite on a Thursday night; and on Friday, school would phone to ask me to collect him at midday because he was "out of sorts", "not himself" etc. I'd drop work to go to pick him up and he'd be absolutely fine, no illness at all. It seemed to resolve over the summer holidays when he came directly home from respite instead of school. But I do think school were way too quick to jump on any excuse to send him home, and I mentioned it at his next Annual Review of EHCP as a concern. Funnily enough, it hasn't happened since.

OP, is it possible that your daughter really likes the teacher or that the teacher is carrying out most of her 1:1 support; so that, on the day when it's only TA, your daughter is feeling abandoned or unsupported and responding to that? Definitely an avenue to look at with the school staff.

Squeakywheels · 21/03/2022 08:25

I would ask for a meeting with the school because you are concerned about the number of times your daughter has been sent home and that there is a pattern of when it is happening. That there seems to be a particular problem on some days which needs resolving.
If they ring to ask you to collect send an email back stating all the details eg time etc and the exact reason why they have said you have to collect - so you have a paper trail.
If you refuse they may contact social services who will always back the school (however unreasonable the school are) so I would be careful about this.

Nobodycarestakeitelsewhere · 21/03/2022 08:26

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school

Bloody hell its not exactly the longest op in the world. She says her dd is in a SEN school. Did you read any of it before you got on your high horse?

And no op they shouldn't be sending her home unless she's ill.

Rainallnight · 21/03/2022 08:26

Wow @Paddingtonsmarmlade I’m so sorry that’s happening to your son. How awful.