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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I refuse to have child home from school?

149 replies

GreenTeaMom · 21/03/2022 07:48

So, for the last 3 weeks my daughter has been sent home from school. It tends to happen on exactly the same day every week when the teacher isn’t in and it’s the teaching assistants only and majority of the time, once my daughter is home they are absolutely fine and able to play and run around etc.

To give some background, my daughter is 7 and goes to an SEN school because of autism.

I have had to push back a lot of important meetings because of this. I have written in their journal today that unless vomiting or high temperature etc that they would have to try and remain in school because I don’t want them to then start building a reluctance going into school etc.

If the school ring me this week and just complain that my daughter ‘isn’t like their usual self’ can I refuse to have them home? What would happen if I say no?

Obviously if my daughter is actually unwell I would be the first parent to have her back at home, but I think there could potentially be a few things going on; firstly that my daughter has learnt how to behave in order to come home because the first time she got sent home it was on the day she knew her parcel was being delivered and that’s the first thing she asked for once she got home, and secondly I wonder if it’s a lack of competence on the teaching assistances behalf (there is 2-3 of them) because they tend to send her home on the days that the teacher isn’t in school…

OP posts:
Brideandprejudice · 21/03/2022 10:17

If I were you I'd be arranging a meeting to discuss this with them properly.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/03/2022 10:20

@PhileasPhilby

And please don’t go straight to headteacher & governors if you haven’t discussed it with the class teacher first. It’s a new pattern. Work together to help your daughter get through it.
This. Clearly if she isn't sick, maybe she is anxious about being at school. You need to deal with why she is acting this way. Talk to the class teacher. With covid around, it's very difficult to judge. Maybe there is a dharo rise in cases just now and they are playing it safe. Usually teachers identify a pattern. If a child repeatedly says they are not feeling well, day after day, I don't usually send them down to the office. Clearly there is an issue with your daughter wanting to come home.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/03/2022 10:41

Granted this may not be relevant because I'm in Australia, but a friend of mine has a son who would school refuse whenever he could, but if made to go, would then claim a headache and want to go home; and then he'd be fine when he was home.
She did refuse to collect him when it got to be too regular - she left medication with the school staff for him, and said he was to be given that, allowed to sit for half an hour and then back to class.

It did help - it reduced the number of times he pulled the same stunt. He doesn't have a diagnosis himself, although she's trying to get him diagnosed with Tourette's and anxiety, but it's hard, despite him having appropriate symptoms. There is ASD in her family, so he may be on the spectrum too, but undiagnosed.

I think having a chat with the school staff and explaining that you think your DD is enjoying the option to leave school early, rather than it's interfering with your work, and you don't want her to keep getting away with it would be a good idea.

TeenyQueen · 21/03/2022 10:45

SEN teacher here. I find it highly unusual that a child is sent home during the day without actually being unwell. Who makes those decisions at the school? At my school the lead school nurse assesses the pupil and the Head teacher or deputy head makes the final call, so it definitely wouldn't be up to a TA or class teacher. I would absolutely discuss this with the class teacher and head teacher. Does your child have a behaviour plan? I've dealt with very extreme behaviours in my class without resorting to sending pupils home.

Lovemusic33 · 21/03/2022 10:46

Do they prepare her for a change of teacher? My dd attends a SEN school and they always prepare the kids with social stories if there’s going to be any change in their routine.

I think you need to talk to the school, explain that you can’t just drop everything and pick her up because she’s upset or playing up, of course if she is actually I’ll then you will collect her. My dd went through a stage of mimicking a UTI to get out of school, she did originally have a UTI but then worked out she could fake the symptoms once she was better and o was having to collect her several times a week, as soon as she got home the symptoms disappeared. Kids are not stilly, especially those with SEN’s.

neveradullmoment99 · 21/03/2022 10:59

I agree with poster who said at the end of the day, its not the class teacher that makes the call that a child has to go home.

Fundays12 · 21/03/2022 11:00

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.
I am guessing you don't have a child with additional needs. As a parent of a child with needs I can assure you that "sorting out other arrangements" is not that easy. Most clubs/childcare settings do not accommodate kids with needs even if they try too. I have 3 kids the 2 without needs I can sort out childcare for no problems at all the one with needs it's virtually impossible.
Onlyforcake · 21/03/2022 11:05

Ask them to review the pattern of absence, what is happening in school etc. But as far as I know you can't just refuse to collect YOUR child if someone tasked in loco parentis has decided it's necessary

SilverGlassHare · 21/03/2022 11:22

@FairyCakeWings

Rather than jump to a conclusion of incompetence in the TA, maybe consider that the TA’s aren’t paid enough to look after and educate children that are sick, or who are behaving as if they are sick. Maybe they don’t know your dd as well as the teacher does in order to be able to make a more accurate judgement.

Talk to the teacher to see if you can work out why your dd might be unsettled at that specific time each week.

If they're not experienced enough to look after OP's daughter when the teacher isn't there, then they shouldn't be looking after her. That doesn't mean she should be send home every week, though as she has a legal right to an education and her school has the legal obligation to provide that education.
TheKeatingFive · 21/03/2022 11:28

But as far as I know you can't just refuse to collect YOUR child if someone tasked in loco parentis has decided it's necessary

They need to be able to stand over why it's necessary. In this case, it sounds like they're on very shaky grounds

Phineyj · 21/03/2022 11:30

Address it with the school, keep detailed records (date, time, what was said), and I would perhaps book an office space or work from a friend's those days, if it's predictable

Phineyj · 21/03/2022 11:31

Frankly us SEN parents need to protect our earnings for all those things we are expected to pay for as no bugger else will.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/03/2022 11:37

I wouldn't say it's any lack of competence on the part of the staff - because it's very likely that they have been on the receiving end of formal complaints for not sending home children who were distressed, anxious, not quite right in themselves or blatantly just wanted to go home and knew that all they had to do was say they had a headache/tummy ache/felt sick/whatever and Mum would come and get them.

It's very frustrating when you're sure that there's nothing physically wrong with them and they should be encouraged back to lessons, but are equally sure that if you don't send them home, you'll be subjected to a rage with the power of a thousand burning suns for not 'caring' or believing their child who would never, ever lie. And some children, NT or not is irrelevant, can be very adept at the Dying Swan act so that they really do appear to be genuinely unwell until they get what they want Mum arrives, at which point they stage a recovery worthy of Lazarus himself.

Actually knowing they have your support to keep the DC in school is vital - which is better done through her teacher, as whoever is responsible for making the calls often doesn't have the authority to override a well meaning class TA or teacher who has already told the child they're going to be sent home - worse when lessons are taught by different staff, as somebody sent back once would then just repeat it all to the next teacher they saw after they'd eaten lunch/played/done the lesson they enjoyed, but also done with the same teacher by escalating; like the fifteen curtain calls when a child doesn't want to go to bed, wanting a drink, a wee, a biscuit, they're hungry, they're cold, the teddy is in the wrong place, another wee, something really important happened at school, what would win in a fight between Godzilla and Lightning McQueen, there can be headache, tummy ache, toe hurts, leg hurts, I bumped my head, fake sick noises in the toilet, limping on the opposite leg to the one they limped with five minutes ago..oh, cough, cough.....

In short, if everyone knows the procedure is to encourage them back into lesson unless something is hanging off, broken, bleeding profusely or they've puked all over the carpet and Mum agrees with this approach, it's a lot easier to follow it than trying to second guess whether Mum will go mad about a) not sending them home immediately, b) not calling the instant there's a weak little voice saying my tummy hurts, c) suggesting 'let's see how you get on for a bit' and seeing they're fine once they've gone back to class or whether she'll be angry at you for calling and disturbing her in the first place - or if she'll support you and if it turns out they are genuinely ill, won't have at go at you for misjudging it (usually that's when they go on to puke spectacularly in the doorway of the class about thirty seconds after being encouraged to go back).

[Yes, before I get pulled up on this, fathers can be involved too, as can grandparents, but 97 times out of a hundred, it's Mums because Dads won't pick up the phone or are too busy and important and grandmothers practically always want them to go home because they get some extra time with the children that way]

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 11:00

Agree with this. Even at Specialist schools there aren't enough staff for one to sit out with a child claiming to be ill. The class teacher may have an idea of what can be done but, ultimately, if a child appears ill the staff have to send them home. It would be negligent not to.

"Claiming to be ill" is the important phrase there. If a child is regularly claiming to be ill, they don't look ill and the parent is reporting that the child is absolutely fine once they get home, then the school should be more sceptical about the claim. There is no rule that says a child has to be looked after separately or sent home if they aren't ill but are claiming that they are. They can simply be kept in class.

EthelTheAardvark · 22/03/2022 11:02

@Makeitsoso

She is entitled to a full time education. If they aren’t able to meet her needs the school needs to apply for an ECHP. This is time consuming and LA are not receptive but it is what they need to do. They can’t pretend she is ill because they haven’t got a teacher available. They should be making a plan for her during that time. Make a formal complaint to the school if it persists. Perhaps ask to speak to the SEnCO first. I imagine they will quickly back track.
If she's in a specialist school, it's a virtual certainty that the child has an EHCP already.
2Two · 22/03/2022 11:40

But as far as I know you can't just refuse to collect YOUR child if someone tasked in loco parentis has decided it's necessary

Not necessarily. Parents have a duty to arrange full time education for their children, the schools where they are placed have a duty to provide it. If they decide to send a child home, they need to have a good reason and parents are entitled to challenge them about that when there are circumstances which make that doubtful, which is obviously the case here.

A friend of mine's son was in a special school but they were regularly phoning home every morning to say the son wasn't coping, could friend pick him up. He was making no progress and was generally fine by the time he was collected, so my friend suggested that it would be better for him to go to a more specialist school, as this school clearly wasn't able to meet his needs. However, the staff swore blind that there there were no problems and of course they could meet his needs. So ultimately my friend told them that, if they could meet his needs they could sort him out when they thought he wasn't coping and she wouldn't be collecting him. Then they tried saying that he was feeling ill, but again friend could see when she arrived at the school that he was fine so again she refused to take him. Once the school realised that they weren't going to be able to shunt the problem off onto my friend they suddenly decided that maybe he did need to move to another school after all.

GorgeousPizza · 22/03/2022 17:33

Not much help in terms of advice but I used to do this at school, especially when young. I would fake that I feel unwell or had been sick every Tuesday because I hated the school dinners they served that day (they would force us to eat) and it was also swimming day which I hated too. Everytime my poor parents would have to pick me up. I was fine I just wanted to avoid it. My parents became more reluctant though and cottoned on and eventually I learned I had to push through, however I don’t have SEN needs. Good luck x

DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 17:39

Have you pointed out to school that this always happens at the same time/in the same situation/with the same staff?

It's not their job to care about your meetings, but they should care that something is distressing DD and/or one particular staff member is very quick to send her home.

SpringSummerAutumnSpring · 22/03/2022 17:40

I would have a word with the class teacher or management explaining what you have said hear. Something does seem a bit off since it’s always the same day of the week and like you said your child is always fine once you’re home. It could also be that whoever is covering for the teacher is more cautious - you can see that your child is well enough to be in school but there are parents who seriously burst their lid at finding out that their child wasn’t sent home at the first sneeze. Maybe that member has had a bad experience… I know you’ve written in their book, but maybe a clearer dialogue is needed.

chanidoll · 22/03/2022 17:40

School is childcare for the majority of working people. Showing your privilege there!

I have been through this situation and I basically told school it was creating a routine by which my daughter expected to come home and if they could not cope they needed to pay for resources to ensure she had a fair education. They were getting funding for her after all. Once my daughter realised school would not be sending her home unless she was actually unwell things settled down.

mini1275 · 22/03/2022 17:44

I think the school is creating learnt behaviour, with an autistic child it needs to be considered and dealt with by a senior member of staff

DetailMouse · 22/03/2022 17:44

I once had to deal from a complaint from the parent of a child who was always claiming to be ill. On this occasion the teacher deemed that the headache was as result of child's dislike of maths and didn't call home. Mum properly blew her top that the child had been "left to suffer". So schools can't win, but if it's regularly at the same time they should at least investigate that.

phoneybaloney · 22/03/2022 17:45

My eldest attends a special school and has autism. If he's off school he has no TV, no games, no screens. He can read, build Lego, do puzzles or pictures. 'While he rests in his room because he's too poorly to be at school". He also just gets plain toast in case has a poorly tummy.

I'd approach this at home with your DD in that way. If she has the awareness to know it's parcel arrival day would she grasp that being home from school is very boring. It may take a couple of super boring days at home to grasp it.

I'd also approach it with school too. Email them so it's on paper. List days and times and your concerns and ask they only call you if she is seriously unwell eg d&v, fever, serious injury, etc. When they call don't rush in. Tell them you're at an appointment an hour away.

If you ever get her home and shes not been sick, diarrhoea, feverish and is happy and playing personally I'd be taking mine back to school for the rest of the day!

I'd be frustrated too in your shoes.

berryhol · 22/03/2022 17:45

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.
I don’t think you read what she said, her daughter is autistic and IS at a SEN school
Kgiggl3s · 22/03/2022 17:54

Parents need to work with the school and vice versa. This shouldn't be a battle. I'm a teacher and if a parent rang me to discuss these concerns I'd be all ears and ready to work on a plan. Ultimately, schools want children in too or their attendance looks bad. The office are between a rock and a hard place though - if they don't contact you or send them home and it is something far worse, they'd be in a LOT of trouble. Take this for example - I had a child last week complain her chest was sore. How many times a day do I hear complaints like that? LOTS! Turns out, she had cracked a rib! Adults in school have to protect themselves, and ultimately that means parents will need to make a choice when it comes to their children and complaints of feeling unwell. Either way, it is only right for the school to give the parent that choice.

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