Can I refuse to have child home from school?

[GreenTeaMom]

So, for the last 3 weeks my daughter has been sent home from school. It tends to happen on exactly the same day every week when the teacher isn’t in and it’s the teaching assistants only and majority of the time, once my daughter is home they are absolutely fine and able to play and run around etc.

To give some background, my daughter is 7 and goes to an SEN school because of autism.

I have had to push back a lot of important meetings because of this. I have written in their journal today that unless vomiting or high temperature etc that they would have to try and remain in school because I don’t want them to then start building a reluctance going into school etc.

If the school ring me this week and just complain that my daughter ‘isn’t like their usual self’ can I refuse to have them home? What would happen if I say no?

Obviously if my daughter is actually unwell I would be the first parent to have her back at home, but I think there could potentially be a few things going on; firstly that my daughter has learnt how to behave in order to come home because the first time she got sent home it was on the day she knew her parcel was being delivered and that’s the first thing she asked for once she got home, and secondly I wonder if it’s a lack of competence on the teaching assistances behalf (there is 2-3 of them) because they tend to send her home on the days that the teacher isn’t in school…

What if OP has a job that she can’t leave, and therefore is never available to collect her child during the day? Presumably the school would just cope if it was a minor problem, or take the child to A and E if it was major.
I was a hospital doctor, stuck in the operating theatre all day. If my DDs were unwell or upset at school they just had to lie down in the medical room until I finished my trauma list.
It is annoying that schools still think mothers (it’s always mothers, not fathers) are just sitting around at home, permanently available.

Schools don’t ring at the drop of a hat!

Like PP said they have to take illness seriously and ring the parents.

It may be minor and the parents says they can stay in school, other times they may say see how they are - or they didn’t eat breakfast, or they know grandma is visiting! So many reasons, teachers can’t get it right for doing wrong.

Same as a child is seriously ill and they haven’t been sent home - can’t win!

Work with the school tell them what you think is happening and what you’d like them to try going forward.

Can you leave the call to go to voicemail and if it’s the ‘she’s not her usual self’ on the same day at the same time, ignore it? I’m sure they’ll call again if she is actually unwell.

Sounds like they’re just sending her home for the sake of it.

Are you actually kidding? In a world where women are supposed to work like they have no kids and parent like they don’t work! Schools should be actively encourage children to be in school unless too unwell to stay! They’re quick enough to moan about attendance when they don’t go in!! You should be ashamed of yourself for this comment

My son with ASD is sent home at least twice a week for something behaviour related. Just been approved specialist provision and waiting for a place. His school constantly called me knowing I at work wanting him collected. Now because I started saying no unless his vomiting I can't make it they call dad. Friday I told them dad was at work and I was in meetings out of the area,they still called for third time that week to send him home. Both refused. This week they have decided to suspend him for 3 days for fighting. However when he came home with a black eye last week from a boy the year above they did nothing. I have now given up sad decided that between now and the end of this school year is a write off we shall see how it goes once he gets his new school place.

Is there something else at play here?

I’m a primary teacher and I don’t send home unless there is vomit, diarrhoea, high temperature or obvious signs of illness at play (obvs covid rules are different).

Definitely worth having a chat with the teacher about what’s happening.

Re the crying ‘all morning’, usually in that situation we’d have to get back to teaching the class so if a child was still crying well into the morning with office staff/head etc trying to comfort them and getting nowhere, then obviously they’d have to call home.

Go to your Council and put in a complaint that your child is not getting the education she requires because of this. They should intervene on your behalf.

OP, the school actually phoned me once to say that my DD (8 and NT) "wasn't her usual self". I asked if she was sick/injured/had a high temp/had D+V/rash etc and therefore needed picking up. No, none of that, she wasn't ill at all. Apparently she was just a little bit quiet and they wanted me to know, so I could let after school club know. This was at 2:45pm. After school club picks her up at 3pm. From her school. I thanked them for letting me know, but asked if they could mention it to the after-school staff when they hand her over to them in 15mins time.

There was a time where I was getting quite a few phone calls from school to pick her up as she felt sick. Fine, but when I got her home, she was full of beans. I made it so staying at home wasn't a fun thing for her (i.e. if she's ill, she should be resting in bed, no gaming/tv/screen time etc, and no treats, just very plain food). And I spoke to the teacher about it and we figured out that it was because she wasn't keen on maths!

FWIW, I work FT as a nurse on a very busy and acute ward. For the PP who mentioned that school isn't childcare, I know that, but in my case there is no one else around who can pick DD up. If she is ill of course I will pick her up, but I often have to wait for someone to take over from me, and give them a handover of my patients, so I can't always just walk off the ward. I've explained this to the school as I don't want them thinking I can't be bothered, but at the same time, it is not always easy for me to just drop sticks and go if my DD "isn't her usual self". Goes without saying that I would never send her to school if she was poorly. Luckily, she is rarely ill...and she also knows that I'm pretty adept at spotting a poorly person!!

OP, def chat to the class teacher about it and see what can be done. Hopefully it can be resolved easily!!

Talk to the school staff. I’m school/home liaison and talk to parents every day about this. Obvs if high temp, sick or diarrhoea then home straightaway or fallen & injured. If they’re just not feeling well then I talk to the parents about what they want to do. I tend to go down the “let’s see how they are at lunchtime” etc. I know what children just want to be at home. Please talk to the school staff.

It's an illegal exclusion. They can't just send your child home whenever they don't feel like dealing with her

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.

The child isn’t I’ll. Did you even read the OP 🙄

Have you raised the issue with her teacher or the Head? I think it's reasonable to ask questions like does she have a temperature etc because her just not being her usual self isn't usually a reason to send home.

@PhileasPhilby is talking a lot of sense here.
You absolutely don't have to put up with her being sent home, but there is middle ground between that and rushing off to lodge a formal complaint.

Why are the TA's left on their own every week? It sounds as if they're not confident to handle her behaviour and that maybe she struggles more when the teacher's not in.

Talk to the teacher and try to put some sort of plan in place that doesn't involve sending her home all the time.

My foster son is at a special school and they are extremely reluctant to get in cover teachers if staff are off sick. This means school have rang twice during Covid to say due to not enough staff to cover lessons and safety concerns there will be no school for 2/3 days but instead an online lessons provided and child sent home with a bit of work to do at home. This is mostly Art or Cooking. I home so it does not matter to me but I know some parents who are pulling their hair put as having to take time off work. Speak to class teacher tell her you notice a pattern and ask what she can put in place to prevent your DC getting upset and claiming illness. Children with autism often can't cope with change and this may be happening in your DC case.

Exactly what are school saying is the matter with your dc? ‘Not their usual self’ is very vague and I would be wanting more of a description.

My dd is autistic and suffers from high levels of anxiety linked to her ASC. Anxiety can show in many different ways. The way I have read your OP, is that your dd is ‘not her usual self’ on the days that the normal teacher is not in the classroom, so your daughters routine is changed (which lots of autistic children struggle with), maybe they need to do some work with your dd to help her get to know the TAs better and to build a better relationship with them so she doesn’t worry about the normal teacher being out. Dd couldn’t cope with any kind of transition at school (year group changes, classroom changes, teacher changes, desk/seating plan changes).
Definitely speak to the class teacher and arrange a meeting with them. Between you, you need to get to the bottom of why your dd is struggling so often and trying to sort the issues that arise from that.

YANBU - I suspect your daughter has clicked that she can manipulate this situation and I would make appointment & go into the school armed with the facts. Especially if she hasn’t actually been I’ll on these recent episodes!

Absolutely. Sending a child with sen home because they don't seem themselves is ridiculous. If they were actually ill, then fair enough, my sons autistic and he's been sent hone as he 'didn't seem himself', I picked him up and he was totally fine. He's also pretended to be ill before. I know when Ds is poorly or not, I know when he's actually poorly or just a bit down due to anxiety or tired etc.

She should be in school.

I don’t get the people saying the TA’s aren’t paid enough to deal with this. Maybe if they think that they shouldn’t work in that job in a specialist SEN school then as opposed to illegally excluding a child?

@Allandnothing

No. School isn’t childcare. You’ll have to sort out other arrangements for when your child comes home, or look into a specialist school. If a child says they’re ill, then there’s not much a school can do. They can’t spare staff to sit with your child for a school Day.

It is an SEN school.

Definitely keep a log and go and talk to her class teacher with the facts. I guess she has learnt what to say/do to get sent home, and that's what she is doing. If it continues even after the conversation I'd push back a bit on them "Crying all day? But she's only been there 30 minutes. Let's give it until lunchtime". If they say she is ill ask for symptoms and sound doubtful! I do know what you mean, one of my DS could manipulate his teacher, then when he got home he would go from poorly to bright as a button in under 2 minutes!

@Gooseberrypies

I don’t get the people saying the TA’s aren’t paid enough to deal with this. Maybe if they think that they shouldn’t work in that job in a specialist SEN school then as opposed to illegally excluding a child?

TAs are extremely badly paid for the work they do, on the basis that theirs is a "supporting" role to the teacher. Except that it sounds as if the TAs are left in charge with no teacher to take overall responsibility. That's what people are commenting on.

It’s ridiculous. My son has severe autism, he doesn’t understand much and doesn’t speak but he learned soon enough how to get sent home from school!

It’s an SEN school and they need to make proper arrangements if it’s not working out with the TA’s.

Looks like illegal exclusion to me

Sounds like your daughter is twisting you round her little finger, if you suspect she is not really sick or in trouble, tell her there will be serious consequences for crying wolf... and follow through X

I think since Covid It started when my DD Age 8 went back to school the first week back it was sickness and then when I picked her up she was fine, but as the 48 Hour rule was in place, luckily I was working from home, but then DD wasted a day at home when she could be in School. I was advised to take her to the GP for a Blood Test age 8 to see if she had a gluten intolerance issue!! Due to virtual appointments this didn’t progress. Then in Year 4 up to now again she has been sent home on three or Four occasions for a cold in which she was sleepy and sickness for the first two back in September Year 4. The last one, I was on silent on my phone and they could not get hold of me so they rang my husband, in which they didn’t tell me when I went to pick her up, he ended up fuming with me as he had to abort a meeting and was on his way home!! This was Drama all round, it sounds like this is happening across all schools. I think sickness is being handled badly since Covid and now with Facebook it doesn’t help when it is plastered all over the Class Page saying their child has tested positive or has an upset stomach, in which I am testing her every other day and it just keeps coming up negative. I feel your pain, I didn’t have any of these issues with my DS who is now in Year 9 👍🥰