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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family want me to take baby on holiday but leave partner at home

133 replies

mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:07

My family doesn't like my boyfriend as when I was pregnant I found some messages on his phone which didn't look great. We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week. But they are still adamant he isn't coming, so I said I wouldn't be going and then they are saying if I don't the whole holiday is cancelled and no one is going?! Two of my siblings have partners which are going but I'm the only one with a child. Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

OP posts:
HereComesTheSum · 21/03/2022 07:09

Why don't they like him? Be brutally honest.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/03/2022 07:10

Your family are being very manipulative.

But…., what were the messages that ‘didn’t look great’?

Moodycow78 · 21/03/2022 07:11

Just don't go and don't give in to emotional blackmail, it's their choice what they do and yours what you do.

Springhassprung86 · 21/03/2022 07:11

They’re not being unreasonable to not wanted him there. I wouldn’t spend time with someone who had cheated on my pregnant daughter either.
But to cancel the whole holiday if you don’t come is ridiculous.

CrumpetStrumpet · 21/03/2022 07:11

Yout familu sound very controlling and manipulative.

What were these messages that didn't sound great though? Hmm

carefullycourageous · 21/03/2022 07:12

This is a weird and maipulative situation. Sounds very messy. What were the messages about?

You should not have said yes 'hoping they would come round' as you are making a bad situation worse.

If they want to cancel because you don;t go that is their decision/problem.

sweetbellyhigh · 21/03/2022 07:13

I assume they find it difficult to be in the company of someone who has hurt their daughter/sister.

But they too are hurting you 😞

Have you tried talking to them saying you really want to give it a shot?

Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:14

Messages to a work mate about other women's appearances and then two text messages exchanged between himself and a woman on his work course.

OP posts:
GizmosEveningBath · 21/03/2022 07:14

Are your parents funding the holiday? They probably don't want to spend thier holiday with your cheating partner but don't want to exclude you. A week away from him may be a good opportunity for you to have a good think about how you want to be treated in a relationship.

RedHelenB · 21/03/2022 07:15

How about leaving baby with him and having a well earned break with your family?

Sirzy · 21/03/2022 07:16

Do what is right for you and the baby. Don’t be manipulated by your family or by him

CrumpetStrumpet · 21/03/2022 07:17

What was the content of these messages? Was he disrespecting you in them?

Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:17

It's just making it harder for me though as I've decided to try and give it a go. My dad was abusive to my mum growing up so it just feels a bit pot kettle black and like this is really insignificant compared to that.

OP posts:
GougeAway · 21/03/2022 07:18

Why were you checking his phone? Did you already have reasons not to trust him? I can understand your family not wanting to pay for your cheating partner to join them on holiday but they shouldn’t be emotionally blackmailing you. Are they desperate to get you away from him for a while?

Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:19

Yeah disrespectful. He lied about the texts between him and the woman from work and didn't tell me it was until months later.

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 21/03/2022 07:20

So he cheated or it looked like he did while you were pregnant and you told them. I presume you were really upset and hurt. You got over it ,but they didn't,that's fair enough. They want to spend time with you and their grandchild ,but not with him. That's also kinda understandable, I couldn't bite my tongue around him either. Is that the only incident where he treated you badly, or one of many?

You're also being a bit dramatic about "taking DD away from him". I took DD for 2 months because I had a family thing to deal with. I also went on holiday/visit friends just me and her several times. Nothing happened, her relationship with her father is great.

That being said, your family are rather daft. They're pushing you away. Deciding to cancel the holiday just because you won't go, is ridiculous as well. They're digging their heels in in the worst way possible.

GizmosEveningBath · 21/03/2022 07:24

You haven't said who is paying for the holiday OP? If they are paying, would you offering to pay for him help?

GeneLovesJezebel · 21/03/2022 07:27

It’s no wonder your family don’t like him though.
Are you worried he will cheat if you leave him for a week ?

Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:34

Yes I appreciate that they don't like them it's just really getting me down because I have to keep them separate and I haven't actually done anything wrong but I'm the one stuck in the middle. I know it's him who's done this I just feel like they could have put it to one side for a week. I don't understand how things can carry on like this.

OP posts:
dworky · 21/03/2022 07:36

Tbh, I wouldn't want to go on holiday with a man who cheated on a pregnant partner.

Go on holiday, it will give you the space to think about the situation.

Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:37

They wouldn't have had to pay for him he would have paid for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:38

He didn't sleep with anyone.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 21/03/2022 07:43

@Sirzy

Do what is right for you and the baby. Don’t be manipulated by your family or by him
This. It sounds like your family really don't like him (which is strange if it is just the messages. What did he or does he do?). They may feel they don't want to enable your relationship by accepting him.

On the other hand, who is making the fuss about one week's holiday? If that were my dh, he would have been happy for me to go and have a break while my family helped out with the baby. In fact, I did used to go and stay with my parents sometimes and, whilst he missed the kids, he knew I loved it, it was good for me and he didn't kick off about not being with his child for a whole week.

So, I would really examine whether these two groups who are supposed to love you are manipulating you. And if they are, what is their intention? Is it selfish? Is it because of what they perceive is best for you? Etc etc. If you really don't want to go because of your own convictions then let your family know that you don't want to go and no doubt they will go without you for all their threats.

cansu · 21/03/2022 07:45

It is not their business. They are being ridiculous and I would be telling them that. Say you won't be going on the holiday. I would also be saying that special occasions like Christmas and birthdays etc he will be there. They can decline to see him but they will also be depriving themselves of you and your child on some occasions as well. They need to grow up.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 21/03/2022 07:45

I think it’s fine for your family to not accept a man who cheated on you. I’m assuming he cheated but you are being a vague about it. You don’t need to be honest to MN but you need to be honest with yourself. It’s also fine for you to decide if you want to go on holiday with your parents or not. If they then choose to cancel the holiday that would be their choice.

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