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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family want me to take baby on holiday but leave partner at home

133 replies

mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:07

My family doesn't like my boyfriend as when I was pregnant I found some messages on his phone which didn't look great. We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week. But they are still adamant he isn't coming, so I said I wouldn't be going and then they are saying if I don't the whole holiday is cancelled and no one is going?! Two of my siblings have partners which are going but I'm the only one with a child. Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

OP posts:

averythinline · 21/03/2022 10:14

Its not up to your family who your partner is...
Its not up to you what they do about their holidays....

You are an adult/parent yourself now you need to learn to be independent of both and make your own choices..
Maybe start building your own confidence it'll put you in a better place to develop your child's confidence as well

dfendyr · 21/03/2022 10:16

@ChoiceMummy

He's your choice of partner, not theirs and not their family as far as they're concerned.

Least they're upfront and honest.

If you don't like the scenario really then you next time (and there will be one) don't share the situation with your family.

You forgave him. Have decided that he didn't cheat. Yet this obviously caused a lot of hurt and I imagine there is a niggling doubt that he did or is a cheat.

The family are saying it as it is. If you don't want to go, then don't go. What the others then choose is their decision.

BUT remember, they've stick by you, regardless.Throw this in their face and the next time they may not be quite so gracious and supportive.And there will be a next time that you need them.

What?

they are controlling and suffocating

slashlover · 21/03/2022 10:23

Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

No, he missed out on half of her first Christmas because you put your family before him. Did he spend half of Christmas alone?

NeedAHoliday2021 · 21/03/2022 10:24

You allowed your parents to dictate that your dc father missed half of Christmas with his own child? I can’t get over that. Prioritise your family Unit and set boundaries. You don’t need your parents to like him just accept you do and he’s staying around. As the Father of their grandchild they need to be more respectful and you need to put your foot down.

MotherofTerriers · 21/03/2022 10:27

I think that as you have agreed to go on the family holiday without him, its a bit unfair to pull out now.
Might it work out if you go as agreed, but take the opportunity of a week away with them to say that you are trying to make a go of it, that they love your child and its best for your child if you can be a family together, and that this is the last time you will agree to go on holiday, Christmas etc unless he is included.

JudgeJ · 21/03/2022 10:27

@mama1122

They won't go without me. My grandma is so suffocating with her obsession for my child and has asked multiple times if we will be going so she won't go if we don't. My parents won't go if I won't, so then my single sibling won't go because he will feel like a third wheel with the other couples.

Don't go, if they choose not to go that's their fault, not yours. If you go then you're allowing them to make decisions about your relationship and to bully you, you already let them bully you about Christmas.

Zilla1 · 21/03/2022 10:30

Trying to be positive, it's perhaps good they have your back. Perhaps time for a chat with your DM to say you've decided to make a go of it and do they plan to keep up a wall and how they expect you to manage this? They'll need to understand there will be things like Christmas, birthdays and holidays where your DC will spend time with your DP so they will need to realise the consequences of them keeping up a wall. That isn't you punishing them, just recognising that your DC will need to spend time with your DP.

Good luck.

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2022 10:30

To be fair to your family I would find it very hard to play happy families with a man who had at a minimum emotionally cheated on my pregnant daughter

SeasonFinale · 21/03/2022 10:30

Tell them you are not going on holiday then.

Still wondering what the problem with messages was if he hasn't cheated.

Can't believe that you saw them at Christmas and made him miss her first Christmas. If that kind of thing continues you will actually push him away.

Why do you continue to see them so much? Make your own choices. Do you want to be in a relationship with your child's father or not? If yes the family need boundaries setting!

roarfeckingroarr · 21/03/2022 10:31

It's just a week. He'll survive.

Pandypuff · 21/03/2022 10:32

I would not be going anywhere with the cheating boyfriend of my relative who I cared for. It's presumably BECAUSE they care for you that they don't like him for being a cheating scumbag? You aren't married, he isn't a member of their family. Your child is. Presumably the family members whose partners are going didn't find inappropriate messages on their partners phone? Honestly I can 100% see their point of view and don't burn the bridges of the people who will help you pick up the pieces if he cheats (again). They're just protecting you.

Holskey · 21/03/2022 10:33

I suggest you think seriously about whether he is good enough, makes you happy etc. Someone is a twat in this situation. There's no way your lovely family have a problem with your lovely partner.

sunshinesupermum · 21/03/2022 10:36

Who is paying for this holiday? But whatever the case your family is blackmailing you by stating they won't go on this holiday unless you come with your baby and leave your partner behind. Your grandmother is BVVU in setting off this chain of 'I won't go if ... '

Frankly, I would stick by your partner rather than give in to your family.

Pr1mr0se · 21/03/2022 10:37

Your partner is part of your family too. Stop accommodating your relatives behaviour. You have your own family now and they need to accept that.

5128gap · 21/03/2022 10:44

They have the right not to jnclude him. They were clear with you he wasn't invited from the offset. You chose to take a chance on them coming round and it hasn't worked out, so that's on you really, and you either go without him, or you don't go. Ignore their comments that you've ruined it for them. If they choose not to go without you, that's up to them, and not your problem. Unfortunately you're going to have this for the long haul, so you need to develop some strategies to compartmentalise the two situations. I'd start by accepting you can't be with them altogether and plan what you do around that. I'd be hesitant in burning your bridges with them and throwing everything into him though; unless they're truly awful in other ways. Even the best of relationships have a habit if breaking down, and this wasn't particularly ideal to start with, so you may need them in time to come.

titchy · 21/03/2022 10:45

Sweetheart you are being hugely manipulated by all the people that are supposed to love you. All of them. Your partner, your family. Everyone.

Can you think about how to develop some boundaries? None of them have yours, and by extension, your baby's best interests at heart. Please do try to keep them at a distance. Your relationships are really unhealthy here

If you choose not to go on holiday with them that's fine. If others then drop out that's on them. They're adults and will have made their own decision. You're not responsible for what follows from you making a perfectly normal adult decision.

AuntMargo · 21/03/2022 10:45

If you are being honest, and the reason they dont want him to come is due to those text messages, then they are being totally out of order. Let them cancel if they want, , dont be held to ransom by emotional blackmail.

ReadyToMoveIt · 21/03/2022 10:46

They’re perfectly entitled not to go on holiday with someone they dislike.
You’re perfectly entitled to not attend if you don’t want to go without him.

Cherryadecooler · 21/03/2022 10:46

Your family sound exhausting and need to get over themselves.

I actually met my now DH and when we'd been together about 18 months, I cheated on him. Nothing major, just a bit of snogging on a holiday I went on. I didn't tell him straight away and then I told him and we split up for a while.

We got back together and ended up eventually getting married and having 4 children. We have been together 30 years and I've never looked at anyone else and we are really happy.

I think 'once a cheater, always a cheater' definitely isn't always the case and if you've decided to give it another go then your family have to accept that.

TirednessButHappiness · 21/03/2022 10:48

I think they are being unreasonable, and manipulative.

He may not be who they’d choose for you but you’ve decided to be with him and you have a child together - you’re a family.

I don’t particularly like my BIL as he admitted cheating on my DS (years ago, before marriage but after children) but she decided to stay with him and they’re now married. Nobody excludes him as they come as a family unit.

Calennig · 21/03/2022 10:49

Still wondering what the problem with messages was if he hasn't cheated.

Possibly a drip drip drip of poision in OP ears against her DP - so she suspects everything he does.

It could be the DP here is cheating and bad news for OP and family see that - but could also be family is very controlling and manipulative and are trying to break her up from her DP who may be better able to see their behavior for what it is or it's possibly both (as we do pick up patterns of behavior from our families)

I'd try looking up around boundaries - and thinking about what you want and who is doing what. How happy or understanding would you be if your DP family kept you away for your child's Christmas or birthdays. Are you in a good relationship with DP and do you want to stay - and separate to that what kind of relationship do you want with your family going forward - to do holidays with them have them tell you who you can date or were you can go for Chirstmas.

Azerothi · 21/03/2022 10:53

Who cares if they cancel their holiday if you don't go. What difference does it make to you? Your boyfriend missed half his daughter's first birthday because of you, not because of them. You chose to go and leave him alone.

However, you need to be very careful about burning your bridges with your family when you want to stay with a cheating boyfriend.

mam0918 · 21/03/2022 10:53

My mam talked loads about going on 'family holidays' when my oldest was little.

Family holiday would apparently be me, oldest, mam and my young teen siblings... my DH never did anything wrong, he was just not invited because 'he's your family, not ours' and 'we don't want a strange man there'.

My mam did holidays like that (me, her, her mam and her little brother) when I was little but that's because she was a single mother and then was in a long-distance relationship (and took a long time before introducing me to my now stepdad) so not a remotely comparable situation.

The way she talked about my DH like he was an unwelcome inconvenience pissed me off and needless to say, non of these holidays ever happened.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 21/03/2022 10:56

Well he doesn’t sound great TBH but that’s your decision to make. Unless it was something like abuse and even then it’s probably not a good idea to cut family members out.

CiderJolly · 21/03/2022 10:57

Go away without him, he made his bed and he can lie in it.

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