Family want me to take baby on holiday but leave partner at home

[mama1122]

My family doesn't like my boyfriend as when I was pregnant I found some messages on his phone which didn't look great. We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week. But they are still adamant he isn't coming, so I said I wouldn't be going and then they are saying if I don't the whole holiday is cancelled and no one is going?! Two of my siblings have partners which are going but I'm the only one with a child. Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

This does seam like a massive overreaction for a couple of flirty messages. Your family clearly don’t want to encourage you to be with someone who hurt you but the way they’re going about it is highly childish and they need to start accepting your wishes, If your family want to still have a relationship with you.
can you just book him in any way so they have to take him, or book a different accommodation in the same area so there is nothing they can do about it. Your family sounds terrible and the fact they using your eight month-year-old baby as a pawn in their game is manipulative and childish.
I am sorry but if there isn’t any reasoning, you need to stand your ground, grow a backbone and refuse to attend. if your actions cancel the holiday, so be it. I wouldn’t care if the actions upset my siblings: they have upset you and your partner.

@TheRealKaren
she’s going to be left with no one in her life by the looks of it, is that what people want?
There's nothing the op has sadi that suggests this is a positive, happy and fulfilling relationship is there?
Do I wish that they separate? I wish nothing tbh. But reality is that for most people in a relationship at this pki9wirh a young child, will be it be in that relationship within a few years. That is fact.

It's also a fact that most people when their relationship falls apart, do fall back on their family.

Sadly, the tone for this relationship has been set. To have had such an issue so early on, shows where this is going....

It depends whether the family has form for being controlling, or if OP is greatly minimising her partners behaviour. My family is controlling, for example they tried to refuse to give me my passport because 'why would I go somewhere without them? Something could happen to me and they wouldn't be there to fix it' and they tried to insist on me giving them access to my bank accounts online and my pin because 'what if i forgot the details'. I was 25 when both of these occurred eyeroll.

I need to set strong boundaries to have a relationship with them. I've made it very clear to them I am an adult and can make my own decisions. If they try to issue ultimatums it will never go in their favour.

You need to sit them down and tell them you are an adult and have decided to continue a relationship with your partner. He is your partner and your childs father. They are also adults and can make the decison to no longer have anything to do with him, but actions have consequences. Those consequences include not seeing you and your child as much or on special occaisons because he is a huge part of both your lives. It is not fair on him to miss out on his childs christmas/birthday/not see child for over a week while you go on holiday because THEY won't see him. It is their issue.

So if they decide he can't come on the holiday you will not be coming with your daughter. If the holiday gets cancelled as a result, thats because THEY decided to exclude your family. Your family try to guilt you, you tell them to talk to your parents as it is their decision that is the reason you aren't attending then shut it down, you won't discuss further.

This is why you don't tell family about issues between you and your partner you have forgiven him doesn't mean they should. They have no right you say its your fault if they chose not togo I would stay home with my partner let them know you are in a serious relationship.

Clearly you don't want to stand up to your family (or your partner either really). Your biggest error of judgement was to accept the holiday and hope that they would change their minds, you should have just shrugged and said you'd rather holiday with your boyfriend than without. But it's too late to change that now. So I would suggest that you continue to agree to go and then test positive for Covid a few days before leaving, thus avoiding falling out with everybody. And then never agree to go on holiday with them again.

[quote ChoiceMummy]@TheRealKaren
she’s going to be left with no one in her life by the looks of it, is that what people want?
There's nothing the op has sadi that suggests this is a positive, happy and fulfilling relationship is there?
Do I wish that they separate? I wish nothing tbh. But reality is that for most people in a relationship at this pki9wirh a young child, will be it be in that relationship within a few years. That is fact.

It's also a fact that most people when their relationship falls apart, do fall back on their family.

Sadly, the tone for this relationship has been set. To have had such an issue so early on, shows where this is going....[/quote]
I agree with this. Neither partner or family sound ideal, but in the OPs position if I had to back one of the outsiders in this race, it would be family. The odds are stacked against this relationship working, and the OP is highly likely to need her family again. Meanwhile I'd be building a network of friends so I could ultimately manage without any of their support if it came to it.

I wouldn’t go without my partner. He doesn’t sound great, but that’s your choice and then they need to respect it quite frankly and accept that you come as a family. Similarly you need to accept and be true to your choice too - you considering joining your family with your little one without him is weird to me. You either want to be with him or you don’t. If you do, you need to stand by him and tell your family you won’t be going. If you go without him I don’t think this relationship has far to go - and it will be proof to your family that you’re not serious about him.

He doesn’t sound great, but that’s your choice and then they need to respect it quite frankly and accept that you come as a family.

This is bollix. If the family know he's not treating her well - they why do they have to accept him as part of the family. He isn't.

Yes it is important that the family keep the lines of communication open so that when the shit hits the fan the OP doesn't feel like she has no where to go.

you considering joining your family with your little one without him is weird to me
No one can go anywhere without there partner??

The Op agreed to go away with her family - and given the issues with her partner, I think she should work on maintaining relationships with her family.

Many many men are abusive and controlling or simply incompatible - so why would you cut off your family. Maintain a support network and always have an exit strategy.