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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family want me to take baby on holiday but leave partner at home

133 replies

mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:07

My family doesn't like my boyfriend as when I was pregnant I found some messages on his phone which didn't look great. We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week. But they are still adamant he isn't coming, so I said I wouldn't be going and then they are saying if I don't the whole holiday is cancelled and no one is going?! Two of my siblings have partners which are going but I'm the only one with a child. Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 21/03/2022 07:45

Your family are being unreasonable. No they don’t have to want to go on hold us with him but they need to stop making you feel guilty if you decide not to go. Make a stand, tell them that you love him and have decided to make a go of it and they are making things incredibly difficult for him. If they don’t want him over at Christmas etc then don’t go round there.

Rachie1973 · 21/03/2022 07:45

I can see why they wouldn’t want him there, but as you made a choice to go forward then I don’t think trying to separate will end well for anyone.

They have to accept your decision as an adult, they don’t have to like it, but they do need to accept it.

I’d make it clear you won’t be manipulated by them or your partner. If they want to cancel their holiday because you’re not going then it’s on them 100%.

Bananarama21 · 21/03/2022 07:46

How old are you? Are you quite young?

Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:47

They won't go without me. My grandma is so suffocating with her obsession for my child and has asked multiple times if we will be going so she won't go if we don't. My parents won't go if I won't, so then my single sibling won't go because he will feel like a third wheel with the other couples.

OP posts:
Aconitum · 21/03/2022 07:51

Your family are being absolutely ridiculous and need to grow up and get some perspective. A couple of text messages from what sounds like a immature young man who is now fully commited to you and your child. OK not very nice but you have managed to get over it and put it behind you for the sake of your child and so should they or are they going to keep this up for ever? How is that going to work if they want to keep a relationship with you and your grandchild.
Don't go and don't take any responsibility for them cancelling the whole holiday. That's all on them.

Bornsloppy · 21/03/2022 07:52

Based on your updates Id be rethinking if I wanted any of these people in my life.

toomuchlaundry · 21/03/2022 07:52

Why won’t your parents go if you don’t?

How often do you see your family?

Shelby2010 · 21/03/2022 07:54

It’s a week. Presumably your partner will be at work anyway & probably not that keen on going away with his ‘in laws’. My DH would have been glad to get out of that kind of family gathering.

Maybe you just don’t trust your partner to be at home for a week on his own….?

Rachie1973 · 21/03/2022 07:54

@mama1122

They won't go without me. My grandma is so suffocating with her obsession for my child and has asked multiple times if we will be going so she won't go if we don't. My parents won't go if I won't, so then my single sibling won't go because he will feel like a third wheel with the other couples.
Then the pay off is your partner. Their choice really.
Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:54

@toomuchlaundry

Why won’t your parents go if you don’t?

How often do you see your family?

Twice a week.
OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 21/03/2022 07:54

@mama1122

He didn't sleep with anyone.
You sound pretty sure about this considering he lied and gaslit you about the messages and the woman in the first place.
SartresSoul · 21/03/2022 07:56

I can see why your family aren’t keen on him but they should grin and bear it anyway for your sake and your child’s. This can’t go on forever, they need to grow up.

RiaG91 · 21/03/2022 07:59

It isn't really any of their business and I think it's wrong to exclude him when you've clearly taken the decision to forgive and move forward with him.

Irrelevant of their feelings towards him, he is a part of your life and they should respect that you've made the decision to stay with him.

I wouldn't let them blackmail you into the holiday being cancelled if you don't go. If it is so important for you to be there, then they would bend on their stance towards your partner and try to put their opinions to one side.

Situations like this can tear families apart and someone always gets caught in the middle by trying to keep the peace.

Briony123 · 21/03/2022 08:00

Your family clearly don't see your boyfriend as a long term partner or part of the family. This is unfortunate because he and your daughter are now your closest family.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 21/03/2022 08:02

I don't think your family are wrong to not want someone they dislike sharing their holiday. But they are wrong to attempt to manipulate you into going by threatening to cancel for everyone. They get to choose who they invite and you get to choose whether you go or not on that basis.

Daenerys77 · 21/03/2022 08:04

@mama1122

They won't go without me. My grandma is so suffocating with her obsession for my child and has asked multiple times if we will be going so she won't go if we don't. My parents won't go if I won't, so then my single sibling won't go because he will feel like a third wheel with the other couples.
It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. Do you really want to be around these people?
Daenerys77 · 21/03/2022 08:04

@mama1122

They won't go without me. My grandma is so suffocating with her obsession for my child and has asked multiple times if we will be going so she won't go if we don't. My parents won't go if I won't, so then my single sibling won't go because he will feel like a third wheel with the other couples.
It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic. Do you really want to be around these people?
Original poster
mama1122 · 21/03/2022 08:12

No I'm not worried he will cheat thank you to all those have said it, I've already left him for this period of time for the last family holiday last year.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 21/03/2022 08:18

Your family are being manipulative. You need to set boundaries now

Talk to then, say you know they don’t like him but you are giving the relationship another go because you live him, he is the father of your child etc etc. They have to either accept that, he gets invited to all family events and then hey act nicely towards him, or they accept you w9b5 be attending any family events

Sceptre86 · 21/03/2022 08:25

If you were my dd I wouldn't want him there either and would be hoping you would come to your senses and dump him. He didn't have to miss your baby's first Christmas, that's on you, you didn't have to go over to theirs. Tbh you need to decide which camp you are in and stick to it, if you've forgiven your partner then they need to accept it, if they are disrespectful you cut contact or at least reduce it. You have to also accept that might mean your family want to see you less or not at all. They don't have to include him in their family outings or special occasions but that means they have to accept that you might not attend.

HotSauceCommittee · 21/03/2022 08:30

Your family are controlling. You are and adult now. Don't let them (or anyone) control you.

dfendyr · 21/03/2022 08:33

@mama1122

They won't go without me. My grandma is so suffocating with her obsession for my child and has asked multiple times if we will be going so she won't go if we don't. My parents won't go if I won't, so then my single sibling won't go because he will feel like a third wheel with the other couples.
Jesus christ, read what you are writing!

Your boyfriend is texting an other woman (that you know of)

Your grandmother is suffocating you

Your father is/was abusive to your mother

Your parents are emotionally manipulative to say they won't go if you don't go but won't allow you to take your partner

Don't you deserve better than that?
Do you want your dd to go through all the shit that you are going through?

Summerfun54321 · 21/03/2022 08:33

Your family sound absolutely suffocating. If you’re planning on staying with him then you need to tell them to accept him and be polite to him for your sake. They are actively punishing you and your child by excluding him at the moment.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/03/2022 08:57

do you want to go on holiday?

MaudieandMe · 21/03/2022 08:59

Goodness me. No-one that you have a relationship with, is coming out of this very well.

I can understand parents feeling worried about a dodgy partner and maybe they can see things from an outsiders perspective that someone inside a relationship can’t see? I’m sure I’d try to protect my adult children from getting hurt but unfortunately, they are overstepping hugely here.

Using blackmail to control you in this way is just another form of abuse.
I know lots of people live near to their family for the support they can offer, but yours comes with too many strings attached.

You have two choices here.
Are you willing to stand up to your family and reset some boundaries? Do you rely on them for childcare? Could you manage by yourself/with your boyfriend?

Honestly, in your shoes, I’d move away and start somewhere new.
My parents were loving and supportive but I moved out when I was 17 as I wanted to be independent. I couldn’t stand to live near to anyone who thinks they’re entitled to control me in this way.