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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family want me to take baby on holiday but leave partner at home

133 replies

mama1122 · 21/03/2022 07:07

My family doesn't like my boyfriend as when I was pregnant I found some messages on his phone which didn't look great. We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week. But they are still adamant he isn't coming, so I said I wouldn't be going and then they are saying if I don't the whole holiday is cancelled and no one is going?! Two of my siblings have partners which are going but I'm the only one with a child. Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

OP posts:

musicviking1 · 21/03/2022 09:02

I wouldn't go. You've decided to make a go of things and situations like this won't help your relationship. If I were you I would book a holiday with just you, your partner and baby.

springtimeishereagain · 21/03/2022 09:04

Sounds like you have a few issues to work through here:

Your boyfriend: do you trust him? How did you come to see the messages?

Your family; your gran: obsessed with your child - not healthy?

Your parents: manipulative and controlling, you see them twice a week (do you want to see them this often?), and they refuse to see your dh

None of this is very sustainable, is it?

What do YOU want to do? Are you happy with your bf? If so, your parents need to wind their necks in and accept it, or risk not seeing as much of you.

girlmom21 · 21/03/2022 09:05

I think it's strange you were willing to ditch him on Christmas Day - your baby's first Christmas - but are upset about the holiday.

Do you want to go on holiday?
Is he happy for you to go on holiday without him?
What happens if you just take him?
Why do you have so much contact with them if they won't accept him?

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 21/03/2022 09:09

You're an adult. Start acting like one.

Harsh I know, but as long as you let your family treat you like a child who has to do their bidding, that is how they'll see you.

You have decided to carry on your relationship with your partner and they need to accept this.

You need to put up a united front with him and not go on the holiday. Would you be happy if he went away with his family with the baby without you?

timeisnotaline · 21/03/2022 09:13

Ah well holiday is off then. Personally them saying it’s all cancelled if you don’t come with your baby and without your partner is pathetic and enough on its own for me to decide not to go. Ok family, cancel your whole holiday, if you want to be such drama queens about it then you do that. This is not on you.

Bananabutter · 21/03/2022 09:15

To be honest, if you’re going to share your dirty laundry with other people you can’t then be surprised if they no longer want to associate with him.

You might have forgiven him but that doesn’t mean they need to.

ChoiceMummy · 21/03/2022 09:15

He's your choice of partner, not theirs and not their family as far as they're concerned.

Least they're upfront and honest.

If you don't like the scenario really then you next time (and there will be one) don't share the situation with your family.

You forgave him. Have decided that he didn't cheat. Yet this obviously caused a lot of hurt and I imagine there is a niggling doubt that he did or is a cheat.

The family are saying it as it is. If you don't want to go, then don't go. What the others then choose is their decision.

BUT remember, they've stick by you, regardless.Throw this in their face and the next time they may not be quite so gracious and supportive.And there will be a next time that you need them.

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 21/03/2022 09:19

I think you should tell ALL of them to fuck off,
Family AND BF
Its his fault for acting like an arse and now your family dont like him,
Its not up to you to be the lynch pin in everyones holiday plans!
Are you very young? You know, youll get to an age where you realise you dont need to do everything your family says
Just say " yes,so youve said..." and shut it down.

Chely · 21/03/2022 09:20

I wouldn't go.
I have been the one excluded from in laws stuff, they did it to try cause hassle between us. Went the opposite for them though as dh distanced himself from them, I have never done anything bad to dh or his family though.

ReadyToMoveIt · 21/03/2022 09:23

Is your boyfriend saying you can’t go if he isn’t allowed to go?

Jenasaurus · 21/03/2022 09:24

Can I ask OP did you go to them when your BF sent these messages, were they supportive and saw you through a bad time, perhaps you understandably told them lots of things he has done and they cant get over it. I was in a bad relationship many years ago that was on and off, and my DSIS said she could no longer meet up for social occassions with my BF there as she couldnt deal with it anymore. Could it be something like that? PP said its none of their business, but if you go to them upset about it when he does these things, then it kind of is their business as you are involving them

bigbluebus · 21/03/2022 09:26

Regardless of your family's opinion of your DP, if you don't want to go under their terms and conditions then don't go. End of. They are all grown adults I assume. None of them will die just because they choose to cancel their holiday. Them not going just because you won't dance to their tune is their problem not yours.
Just tell them you're not coming without DP and what happens with the holiday after that is down to them. Do not feel guilty if they decide not to go.

starfishmummy · 21/03/2022 09:29

You're an adult, why are you letting them treat you like a child? If you want your dp to go with you then tell them that you are not giving in to their emotional blackmail about the holiday being cancelled and that you, your dp and your baby go as a family or not at all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/03/2022 09:34

You should not be going on a holiday out of duty or guilt, it should be because you want to. If your family don't want him there that is their choice and it is your choice whether you go or not.
Your family can absolutely be NC with your partner if they wish, you and your DC can still visit but not necessarily for holidays or Christmas

IwaswhoIam · 21/03/2022 09:37

I don’t know if I could be with someone who my family dislikes this much. Not unless he is 100% absolutely the one , you are so incredibly happy, he completes you in every way, you feel loved and safe with him , he is your best friend and the sex is incredible.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2022 09:37

It sounds as if you are under an amazing amount of pressure from your family. All of this hingeing on you is far from normal.

Seeing as your baby attending is the deciding force, I agree with pps, to give your family two choices. You come as a family with your partner and everyone treats him with respect or the holiday doesn’t happen.

Your family will probably accuse you of blackmail. However, it sounds as if there is a lot of manipulation from them so this is a boundary issue for you.

IwaswhoIam · 21/03/2022 09:39

Also want to add that your family are being assholes though

ChoiceMummy · 21/03/2022 09:42

@Chely

I wouldn't go. I have been the one excluded from in laws stuff, they did it to try cause hassle between us. Went the opposite for them though as dh distanced himself from them, I have never done anything bad to dh or his family though.

I've seen this time and time again. The partner thinks they have "won" but actually its always just a matter of time before the person realises that blood is thicker than water on the whole.

Put into context, your relationship may last a few years, maybe longer if lucky, however, unlikely to last the true test of time when they'll be there once again...

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 21/03/2022 09:43

What does bf want? Does he want to go even though he would be unwelcome? I would have thought he'd prefer to be excluded. They don't like him and it would make their holiday unpleasant to have to put up with him so I can understand their point. But would you enjoy it, getting away for a week etc but are making a stand because of him? Has he tried to make amends, show your family he's worthy of you? If not, they only have the old evidence to base their views on.

HeddaGarbled · 21/03/2022 09:50

You’re being pulled all ways by a bunch of people who don’t treat you very well.

You have a child now so it’s time for you to start living your life for you and your child and learning how to stand up for yourself.

Firstly, don’t go on the holiday. Let them cancel if they choose to. That’s their choice. Don’t let them blame it on you.

Secondly, practice saying no to them now and again. The first time will feel monumental, but it’ll get easier with practice.

Thirdly: your boyfriend is not trustworthy. Don’t become financially reliant upon him. You need to be in a situation where you can leave him, house yourself and your child, and support you both financially, if he messes around again.

Finally, do a bit of reading about assertiveness and practise being a bit more assertive. You’ll be amazed how much nicer your life will be when you can stand up for yourself and make your own decisions without feeling guilty about it.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 21/03/2022 09:53

Ditch the loser boyfriend, have a lovely holiday with your family.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 21/03/2022 09:56

Your family are being unfair.

My BIL is a dickhead he has treated Dsis badly I'm not overly nice to him but he is still included. unfortunately

It's your decision to give him another chance, your family need to support you.

Pushing you away won't help if things go wrong.

caecilius1 · 21/03/2022 09:59

@Bananabutter

To be honest, if you’re going to share your dirty laundry with other people you can’t then be surprised if they no longer want to associate with him.

You might have forgiven him but that doesn’t mean they need to.

Absolutely agree with this. Unless you're definitely going to split with someone, do not involve family in your personal business.

blubberyboo · 21/03/2022 10:00

I think you need to be strong and stand up to your family and state that you have forgiven him for his texts and going forward you won’t accept any animosity towards him. He needs to be included as your child’s father and shown respect.

Calennig · 21/03/2022 10:09

Your family clearly don't see your boyfriend as a long term partner or part of the family.

My IL were like this with me and my parents with DH they were worst around when DC were very young and after pfb was born.

You need to stop complaining to them about your DP - perhaps limit the information they get in general.

Boundaries - for family you're an adult - a parent now so they don't get to boss you around - you decide what's best for you and what's best for your baby jointly (hopefully) with your DP.

Boundaries with your DP - he shouldn't be texting like that and you shouldn't be snooping. Either everything is okay with this relationship or there are issues you need to work on - do not drag your families into any issues unless you need support to leave - as frankly it will probably prolong and escalate any problems.

I'd limit situations in future where game slike this can be played - so if you do holidays in furture, which may be best avoided all together, have seperate accomodation with DP and baby and don't let them pay for anything as that gives them a say.

As for this holiday - decide what you want to do - do you want DP there will he come - or do you really not want to go - worry less about others here and work out what's important to you.

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