Family want me to take baby on holiday but leave partner at home

[mama1122]

My family doesn't like my boyfriend as when I was pregnant I found some messages on his phone which didn't look great. We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week. But they are still adamant he isn't coming, so I said I wouldn't be going and then they are saying if I don't the whole holiday is cancelled and no one is going?! Two of my siblings have partners which are going but I'm the only one with a child. Also on Christmas my boyfriend missed out on half of her 1st Christmas as my family refused to have him there.

@mama1122
Having just reread the op.
Tbh, I think that they were quite upfront about the holiday deal, which you agreed to, maybe naively, that they'd change their mind. Now the holiday is approaching you're getting all precious over your oh missing out.
Sorry. This has been planned. You agreed. You're committed to the holiday and not going in unreasonable. They're not being manipulative by saying the status quo remains.
As for Christmas, many families do split Christmas to some extent.
What will be telling, is how you navigate the first birthday and beyond. If the oh is still around....

They are your family.

YABU to think that just because this guy is your partner, that means your family have to like him.

You don't all have to spend time together.

I think you are creating drama where there doesn't need to be. Go on holidays with you family and enjoy it.
Then have some enjoyable time with your bf.

If you try to force those 2 groups together, no one has an enjoyable time.

I don’t think you can force the relationship as you have chosen to tell them something that they feel is unforgivable. But at the same time they can’t blackmail you by saying it’s you and the baby or no one at all. It sounds like you have a lot of toxic people in your life.

Go somewhere else together, or go to the same place and meet then there.

I missed the part where you said you’d already agreed to it before it was booked. In that case I think you should stick to what you agreed on this occasion.

But you need to work on your boundaries after this - with DP and with the rest of your family - as it all sounds DS very stressful being pulled in both directions.

We are meant to be going on a family holiday and I agreed initially hoping they would come round over time and not actually expect me to take our then eight month old away from him for a week.

I do agree this was the initial mistake - assuming everything would just work out as you really wanted.

Honestly a no not without DP from the word go would have been clear for everyone.

Now I say it depends on lots of things. What's your DP take on it -a week at 8 months isn't that long - will there be any long term impact on your relationship or is he okay with you two going and do you care what he thinks - do you think it will be a good break or will your family spend week fault finding.

You need to start saying no to your family immediately when they try and exclude your DP as currently your accepting this behavior will only entrench it ( and given their behavior it will be ongoing)

Whether you go on this holiday is your choice - and you'll have to live with any repercussions to your choice - so work out what they are and what you can live with - as I don't see how everyone is kept happy here and this does seem a situation entirely of your own making by not being upfront and clear and ignoring it when others were.

Thing is how do you expect your family to feel when you've gone to them upset and pregnant. I'd happily go away without DH and vice versa, but if you don't want to, don't. If others choose not to go that's on them.

Are you very young?
Are you financially dependant on your family?
Are you financially dependant on DP?
Do you and DP live together?
Does he support his child?
Are you planning a future together?

I made the mistake early in my marriage buy agreeing to a significant family event with my parents and siblings without my DH at my mums instance. My grandad called her out on in and made me realise I was wrong in agreeing to go just as my mum was very wrong in not inviting my husband. DH is family and it can’t be family time without him. We do have mum and daughters time without partners but not “family time/holidays”. DH has forgiven me but not DM. That bridge is burned and I wonder if the holiday is the same for you. I love my DM but she was out of order and I should have backed DH. I expect loyalty from DH and so I should also give it. I think it can be hard for younger women who are raised in “stricter” households to go against parental wishes even when they are adults themselves.

I wouldn’t go if you are planning a future with DP. However if DP is not a long term commitment and you are relying on your family of birth to help raise baby I would go.

Unfortunately it looks like this is the moment to pick which family you are part of. If you are financially independent you can choose with your heart but if you depend on one or another for support your going to have to use your head as well as their is baby to think of.

If you do end up going OP you should make it very clear to them that they should enjoy it because it will be the absolute last time your daughter will be going on holiday without her father. At the end of the day she is central to all of this and she has the right to spend her childhood building sandcastles or whatever with her dad. And they do not get to prevent that no matter what they think of him.

This has got to be one of the biggest cases of mumsnet double standards I’ve seen. Can you imagine if it was the other way around and OP was posting that she’d made a mistake and cheated but her partner had decided to forgive her and give the relationship another go. Yet his family had gotten him to agree to take DD away without OP and he didn’t know what to do. Would anyone really be posting that his family were reasonable and that he should stick to the agreement and go away with DD alone?

OP it’s not reasonable of your family: They should actually be supporting your decision and making your life easier. They can still be there for you AND be civil to your chosen partner.

@Holly60

This has got to be one of the biggest cases of mumsnet double standards I’ve seen. Can you imagine if it was the other way around and OP was posting that she’d made a mistake and cheated but her partner had decided to forgive her and give the relationship another go. Yet his family had gotten him to agree to take DD away without OP and he didn’t know what to do. Would anyone really be posting that his family were reasonable and that he should stick to the agreement and go away with DD alone?

OP it’s not reasonable of your family: They should actually be supporting your decision and making your life easier. They can still be there for you AND be civil to your chosen partner.

I agree to some extent… but I also understand that it’s hard for his family to spend time with someone who has hurt their pregnant daughter. If my daughter comes to me in 20 years time pregnant and upset that their partner is likely cheating, I’d definitely struggle to enjoy a holiday with him after the fact. I’d remain civil and friendly (on the surface), but I’d struggle to spent my valuable holiday time with him. Not saying they’re right to guilt trip their daughter in this way, but I do think they have a right not to spend their holiday with him.

Would anyone really be posting that his family were reasonable and that he should stick to the agreement and go away with DD alone?

People would be saying he's clearly choosing his family over his partner and she should leave because it won't get better.

It’s not just the holiday though is it. It is other family events where they are trying to make you choose- this is manipulative and unkind of your family.
I’d call their bluff say your not going, and book something else with your partner. If they want to cancel the whole trip that’s their prerogative, but you can’t go through your whole life with your partner being cut out of family events. Particularly when your little one gets old enough to work out what’s going on.
Put your foot down now.

I haven't actually done anything wrong but I'm the one stuck in the middle.

They haven’t done anything wrong either. They just don’t want him to come on their holiday. You can choose to go, or not. I’m not sure why your “half of Christmas” point is relevant. I’m sure he’ll manage to be without you for a week. If he is genuinely sorry for what he did, he’ll understand ot will take a while for your family to trust him with you again.

Do you live with your family or your partner? Are you financially dependent on your family?

I think it's time to start drawing some boundaries and refusing to get drawn into the middle of this.

It doesn't look good what your partner did and to be honest I'd be not wanting to spend time with someone who had hurt my daughter/ sister like that - but we've had drama within my own family and sometimes for the sake of people we love we do have to bite our lips a bit and get on with it.

I think you need to decide. You can't have what you want - ie your family forgiving and forgetting, your partner coming on holiday with you all like nothing has happened. In some families that might work, but with this particular collection of people it's not going to happen.

So - decide if your partner really is worth all this and you really do want to make a go of it. What is he doing to show that he's sorry and isn't going to make the same mistake again? Is he a decent partner/ father in other ways - and I mean ACTUALLY decent, not just 'well he doesn't hit me and takes a passing interest in his child'. Is he kind, does he do his share, does he actively make your life and your child's life better?

If he is worth it and you're committed to making a go of things with him then you need to say to your family,

'sorry it's just not going to work me bringing baby on holiday without partner there'. You can explain that you can only afford one holiday and want it to be together, or that you don't want to be apart/ take DC away from their dad for that long if you want, or just say no sorry it won't be happening.

Then when they start with the 'well so and so won't go and then we won't go and then noone will go' you say 'don't be so silly, there's X other people going, you'll have a great time and we will see you when you get back.'

When they carry on with the 'no we can't go because you won't do what we say' line then you repeat variations of

• it's up to you what you do about your own holiday
• well that's your decision to make
• I'm not responsible for you choosing to miss out
• well you have to do what you think is right, just like I'm doing
• you could definitely go without me but you're choosing not to, that's down to you

And then change the subject/ leave.

Separately have a conversation about how you appreciate that they were upset by what happened, you know they love and are concerned for you just like you love them. You can understand why they find it difficult to trust your partner, but that you have made the decision to try to make a go of things and you hope they can respect that. You can't keep splitting yourself in two, and if they really can't spend time with your partner then you will understand, but that it may mean you having to skip certain events or spend a little less time with them as you have to do what's right for your own little family too.

Having read this it’s hard
Your boyfriend messed this up
Your family included and asked you on a family holiday
It seems to me your trying to force your boyfriend on them
Not the other way around

I think it can be hard for younger women who are raised in “stricter” households to go against parental wishes even when they are adults themselves.

IME thsi is sadly true.

I'd been living away from home for years and was married but two trips - one to them them to me - with just me and pfb and I learnt not to do more without DH there as everything became a battle to undermine me. I've tried subsquently and while DH fine not coming - he'd probably prefer not to - I personally still find it easier to visit their house with him there as they don't slip into bad habits though when they could visit our house it did get easier with time.

I did wondered if that was why OP was suddenly realising it could be a week with family ganging up on her - and that's why she suddenly adamant DP has to come.

I usually stood my ground but it was't easy or pleasant and did mar things I'd looked forward to.

I remember my sister saying similar to you Op, she had done nothing wrong when her husband cheated but she felt like she was the one being punished on all sides. It’s hard because the ones who pick up the pieces (the family/friends) see how hurt you are and naturally feel very hostile toward the person who caused that hurt. But they will push you away and isolate you if they continue like this. They do need to suck it up sadly for the sake of you and your child if your partner is going to be around from now on.

Because you agreed to this holiday I think it is unfair to now insist your partner goes - I mean how enjoyable will it be for him any way knowing how unwelcome he is?? So maybe go without him, let your family fuss over the baby for a week, and when you’re home have a proper discussion involving all of you about how this is going to work going forward (they can’t avoid him forever if you’re going to stay together).

Sounds like 2 separate issues.

Your DP treated you badly and they supported you and don't like him - that's their choice and they can feel this way.

But on the flip side he is your DDs dad. You have made your choice and they have to accept that. It's very unfair to put the responsibility of a whole set of people not going on holiday on you. Their choices are theirs and theirs alone.

Don't be blackmailed and manipulated into making decisions you don't want to because apparently fly everyone else's happiness depends on it - that's their problem.

Yes if it was the DPs family then no doubt OP would be told he needs to support her and not go away. But what if was OP or her DP who didn't like the respective parents. If the DP was refusing to go away because he didn't like the parents OP would be told to go without him, if OP didn't like her inlaws she would be told its ok to stay at home and let him go. The family are wrong to guilt trip the OP, but they are not wrong to not want him there. The OP can choose to have a relationship with her family based on them being NC with her partner

Basically they need to accept you have decided to make it work. If they can’t, they don’t go. If they want to cancel the whole holiday that’s their choice not your fault.

Look @mama1122, you have said your dad was abusive

He still is. It differently

He’s got YOU to control now and the rest of the family supports this because it means they’re not the object of his abuse

The “we’ll cancel the holiday if you don’t do as you’re told” is a control tactic, an ultimatum

I know a lot about abusers and I’ve learned to basically tell ANYONE who gives me an ultimatum to take a hike. I blow up their ultimatum to their face.

Ultimatums from people like your family are never in the best interests of people like us

So tell them you’re not going, tell them that they’re welcome to go without you or cancel, totally their decision, but you’re not going to be pushed about any more

And stop with the visits twice a week! How on earth do you get anything done?

This is how they keep their claws in

@ChoiceMummy

He's your choice of partner, not theirs and not their family as far as they're concerned.

Least they're upfront and honest.

If you don't like the scenario really then you next time (and there will be one) don't share the situation with your family.

You forgave him. Have decided that he didn't cheat. Yet this obviously caused a lot of hurt and I imagine there is a niggling doubt that he did or is a cheat.

The family are saying it as it is. If you don't want to go, then don't go. What the others then choose is their decision.

BUT remember, they've stick by you, regardless.Throw this in their face and the next time they may not be quite so gracious and supportive.And there will be a next time that you need them.

And it’s an attitude like this that is causing the problem. Yes, you all could be right but it doesn’t mean it will be. it’s almost like you and the rest of OP's family hope that this will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. but just think about how this is going to affect the OP. she’s going to be left with no one in her life by the looks of it, is that what people want?

your family are creating a toxic environment for your DD. Even if you and DP ever split up, you all need to be amicable and show her a kind and calm environment.

Your DP did something stupid, we all do stupid stuff. It's been forgiven and you've moved on, anything else is irrelevant.

Tell your family to grow up or they won't see their grandchild, i would never allow my child around any toxicity like that.

My nan hated my dad and didn't like him being around, it caused more friction in my parents marriage and left me with serious mental health issues.

Your family sound a bit suffocating to be honest. It all just sounds like really hard work - it just all seems weird and stressful to me.

I think your family are being absurd. But I also think that if you didn't want them to think badly of your partner you shouldn't have told them about the issue with the messages on his phone.