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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:56

Just agog at how many posters are in some way permissive about abusive swearing by their sons.

OP posts:
Toocooltoboogie · 20/03/2022 20:57

Parent how you wish. I would be mortified if any of my dc had spoken to me the way yours has and there would absolutely be consequences however I think demonising gaming is unhelpful. Its his hobby, he loves it. Maybe try to be less negative about it and try to help him manage it constructively. You don't want to alienate him in the long run.

ThisisMax · 20/03/2022 20:57

@Deereemer

Im sorry if im coming across as aggressive. Im totally fed up with the overly liberal attitude of a vocal majority of parents who happily Bury their head in the sand for a quiet life. How many of these parents realise that young men are being radicalised on chatrooms like Dischord?
But you came on inviting responses. Now you have them. Some dont fit your narrative so stick with the ones that do. I cant wsit till he has a beer or tries a joint..what then? Locked in room for a year?
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:57

Because it doesn't work. Just watch.

I will update the thread either way.

OP posts:
DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 20:57

A good opportunity to have some listening time with him, OP. Three weeks without video games is completely fine. I'm a bit taken aback at so many people htinking this is a really heinous thing to do. It'd probably be good for all the kids to have a month off.

I think over lockdown lots of kids (and adults) have got more reliant on screens for dopamine/comfort and maybe now we're coming out of the worst of it its time to reset.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 20/03/2022 20:58

Yeah, of course you can correct your mistakes, right, @Pumperthepumper?

The swear word was something like damn or shit, nothing too extreme, but anyways, not great for toddles, so I stopped.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/03/2022 20:59

I'm not really going to get into the whole punishment, yes he should get punished however I do think 3 weeks may be excessive however judging by a few of your comments this isn't the first time it has happened.

What if the poor mental health has nothing to do with the gaming?

You're concerned about addiction, which is quite right so removing that may help if you can find other things he's interested in.

Poor mental health may not be related to gaming, in which case removing the console won't sort that. Has he been struggling with anything else?

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:59

I think over lockdown lots of kids (and adults) have got more reliant on screens for dopamine/comfort and maybe now we're coming out of the worst of it its time to reset.

Wise words.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 20:59

@grapehyacinthisactuallyblue

Yeah, of course you can correct your mistakes, right, *@Pumperthepumper*?

The swear word was something like damn or shit, nothing too extreme, but anyways, not great for toddles, so I stopped.

You absolutely can correct your mistakes: you could have allowed him to play age-appropriate games.
noirchatsdeux · 20/03/2022 21:01

I'm 53 and I still wouldn't say the word 'fuck' to my mother.

Even though I've wanted to a million fucking times...

Mocara · 20/03/2022 21:02

@EmpressCixi

A 3 week ban from all tech is far too long for rudeness, shouty and aggressive behaviour during 1 day.

I agree with the pp, any bans should be in 24hr increments. If you must punish.

12 is a bit old to be punishing anyway. I much prefer the talk with them, have them apologise and think about what they did wrong, then talk with them on how to ensure behaviour doesn’t happen again going forward.

I mean if we accidentally are rude or shout at a child or partner, we don’t get punished. We apologise and talk about how we will do better in future. I treat 12 and teens the same way. Punishment is really for young children to get them to remember not to do something at an age where their self control is low.

🤣🤣🤣
DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 21:03

@Deereemer

I think over lockdown lots of kids (and adults) have got more reliant on screens for dopamine/comfort and maybe now we're coming out of the worst of it its time to reset.

Wise words.

If taking it away leads to a big outburst of emotion it might be no bad thing. Could be stuff he's been bottling up and maybe he needs some active listening and extra time spent with him to listen, decompress, vent, etc. (If he's anything like my 12 year old his fave time for sharing will probably be at about 10.30 just when you really want to go to bed yourself, but it's astonishing what he comes out with in the witching hour.)
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 21:04

His father has poor mental health - he lives in supported accommodation now - and we suffer as a family so of course there's a context but ds is thriving at school and in his chosen sport. I started this thread because I was amazed at his reaction.

OP posts:
Bakeacake131 · 20/03/2022 21:05

@ThisisMax

A three week ban??? Are you nuts? Keep giving consequences like that and they will have no effect. He should be working on regulating his time online supported/coached by you. You need to back track. Only give consequences as a last resort, enforceable and immediately felt.
Why would they have no effect?

I was grounded pretty severely as a kid and it definitely worked....

Midlifemusings · 20/03/2022 21:06

3 weeks isn't just about punishment, it is about breaking unhealthy habits that have formed and a reliance on tech that is negatively impacting his emotions and functioning. It isn't an issue to game, it is an issue for a child to be distraught or aggressive over needing to stop gaming or to have limits on how much time they spend gaining.

Op has done a great job. Talked to her son about the issue, looked at other ways to have fun and socialize, talked about managing difficult emotions and the dangers of getting so into something that it starts to take over your life. They are working through this issue together and her son is learning that some behaviour isn't respectful or acceptable no matter how much you want to keep gaming.

Nomad916 · 20/03/2022 21:06

@Deereemer, just asked my DD & she says yes, she would totally behave that way if she missed an update. So to answer your question, it's not just him.

refraction · 20/03/2022 21:06

@berlinbabylon

I think you may ruin your relationship in the long term op

If a relationship is going to be ruined because of video games, that's a serious problem right there!

Thats not what I meant and you know it.
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 20/03/2022 21:07

@Deereemer I was a gamer as a teen, I had a very bad home life (not saying yours is) but gaming was my way of escaping and forgetting about what was going on in real life. If I'd have had my console taken off me at that age, I'd have kicked off too because I didn't want to think about what was going on because I couldn't cope.

Now, I'm not saying that he's going through anything like this but the fact you mentioned you were worried about his mental health it made me think of me and what I was like at his age.

It may just be addiction, I don't know him or the whole situation. But it's just another POV.

DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 21:07

Ah, he's a lot to deal with. And you do too, by the sounds of it, OP. Brew

These articles might be of use:

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/concern-depression

www.ahaparenting.com/read/positive-discipline-preteen

Mocara · 20/03/2022 21:08

@Zwellers

Seriously is that all he did. I feel sorry for your son. No right to privacy for him, just draconian punishments designed to make him a social outcast.
Is this real , seriously you need help !
7eleven · 20/03/2022 21:08

@Deereemer

Good to know what others would do. Im concerned about ds being addicted and or in poor mental health. I fail to see how any rational parent would not remove what is causing the problem for an extended period of time.
If you really think he may have an addiction, making him go cold turkey suggests his reaction is genuine? It’s not how rehab works.
refraction · 20/03/2022 21:08

@Deereemer

Agreed Berlin!
You knew what I meant too op.

But go on. I maybe wrong or you could be one of those MiLs posted about on here. Time will tell.

EthelTheAardvark · 20/03/2022 21:09

@zigzag56445

Apparently the fortnite thing is a big deal. (I'm told). He prob is genuinely devastated. Mine would be. Its not great, but in my house I wouldn't be overly worried...
Perhaps he should have borne that in mind before ignoring OP's warnings?
7eleven · 20/03/2022 21:10

And if you’re concerned about his mental health, why are you letting him be seriously distressed, whilst you pop on here polishing your parenting halo?

KneadingKitty · 20/03/2022 21:10

You can have a chat about the aggression etc and still give a consequence, but I would be concerned where this is coming from and like you say there is context that we don't know. I wouldn't underestimate the effect of said context and I'd bear in mind that children react differently to adults to events so it can be much more subtle. Kids can't always understand or express themselves until whatever is going on for them has passed. Then there's obviously the fact that he's growing etc.