To think this isn't normal re DS 12

[Deereemer]

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

Oh, there is a whole slew of articles on tech and kids here:

www.ahaparenting.com/guide/concern-media-and-tech

www.ahaparenting.com/read/when-preteens-break-your-video-game-rules

3 weeks is too long IMO, it will feel like an eternity to him right now. If it lasts too long I think it is less effective in changing behaviour.
I also doubt I could follow through on the full 3 weeks so would be less effective for me than a shorter ban! Can be every busy at home so activities dc can do alone can be a godsend.
Hopefully it will work for you though Op.

@Deereemer I'd be removing his tech permanently for that language, well done for the decisive action and please do what you can to stick to your guns.

Good luck!!

Do you think his mental health could be inherited? I have a DD with poor mental health and it runs in the family - specifically my MIL and I know it affected DH a lot. If it's not inherited, perhaps he's reacting to your DH's problems, which sound pretty serious to be living in supported accommodation.

I really would take this opportunity to take some quality time with your son and explore what he could be feeling. If he's anything like my DS, he may not find it easy to open up. Ironically, he is not the one with issues but I know for a fact that the time I spend with DD over her MH impacts on him.

People often think strict parenting = good parenting. It was how I was brought up (1970s) but I think a two pronged approach is better. You do need to be firm and set boundaries. You are right not to tolerate disrespectful behaviour but it is also helpful to you both to try to get to the bottom of it.

I'm a grown woman and I have had a tech addiction. In many ways it's worse than things like booze because it's harder to avoid. Honestly too many parents don't realise the dangers of plugging kids into screens at an age where their brains are still developing. It's causing anxiety & depression in children at terrifying rates.

You're right to be concerned, OP. A tech ban is a good idea; in the meantime try to find things for him to do in the real, physical world to show him that life is about more than he can ever experience through a screen.

And tell him gently that nobody on the planet lies on their deathbed wishing they had played more Fortnite.

@Deereemer

Swearing is not on, so I’d ask them what is wrong for them to feel the need to swear and we’d have a chat. I might give them an extra chore if the swearing were malicious or done on purpose.

Parent of the year award right here

There’s nothing wrong with what this poster said.

Being an overly harsh parent is not something to be proud of, or a reason to think you are superior. Perhaps your son is lashing out against your incredibly, unreasonably strict boundaries?

I can’t believe people are saying 3 weeks is too long. If my son said that to me he would be lucky if he ever got it back! It’s too easy to leave your kid plugged into a game thinking they are safe and occupied. In my experience they become angry and agressive with minuscule attention spans. Hopefully he’ll learn his lesson.

[quote pleaseletmesleeptonight]@Deereemer I'd be removing his tech permanently for that language, well done for the decisive action and please do what you can to stick to your guns.

Good luck!! [/quote]
I was a mum of teenagers, am a grandma to teenagers and currently teach teenagers. I can assure you, from nearly 40 years experience, that this ‘tough’ approach doesn’t work. Boundaries, yes. Consequences, of course. Communication, definitely. Intransigence causes distress and alienation.

It’s tough being a teenager. Under no circumstances whatsoever am I saying no discipline, but you can’t treat kids as if your their drill sergeant.

Sorry for the rant. I feel strongly about the subject. I’ve seen kids go downhill so quickly if they feel alienated from their family or peers.

@Amber4242

I can’t believe people are saying 3 weeks is too long. If my son said that to me he would be lucky if he ever got it back! It’s too easy to leave your kid plugged into a game thinking they are safe and occupied. In my experience they become angry and agressive with minuscule attention spans. Hopefully he’ll learn his lesson.

What lesson do you think he’ll learn?

I think three weeks is far too long a ban at that age. I also think he needs his screen time limiting, lay out the rules and you need to stick to it, do not give in. My DS is awful to be around when he's had too much game time. He's 14 now and still turns into a grumpy arse with meltdowns. Every fortnight he goes to his dad's where he spends an entire weekend in his bedroom playing on his Xbox the entire time and don't we just know it when he comes home.

@Deereemer

Thanks jungle. Hang in there. Fortnite is like a gateway drug ime. Seems fairly innocent and then as they get better and better its actually totally over stimulating, violent and addictive.

Bit of an exaggeration.

The issue is the amount of screen time and monitoring what he’s doing, not wading in and taking it away when he misbehaves.

You need to reduce his screen time anyway, regardless of whether he is swearing or not.

I have a 12 year old ds, so I know what it’s like. He plays games in the living room, his PC is in the study not his room and I check regularly what he’s up to. But waiting until he’s kicked off to take it all away just isn’t the way to go IMO.

But it is hard - because these things are important to them and no, they aren’t always a gateway to something dark.

@Pumperthepumper that actions have consequences, not to swear at his mum…

[quote Amber4242]@Pumperthepumper that actions have consequences, not to swear at his mum…[/quote]
It won’t though. It’ll breed resentment, it’ll make him see his parent as selfish and unfair. It will 100% make the relationship worse because OP has allowed him to become addicted to a toy they brought in to the house, the disproportionately punished him for that addiction.

So going by your logic, the OP should also be punished.

I'm more concerned about his bad taste in video games than anything else.

Hm so she has allowed him to become addicted therefore she should never take it off him?? @Pumperthepumper Sorry I don’t agree.

@Amber4242

Hm so she has allowed him to become addicted therefore she should never take it off him?? *@Pumperthepumper* Sorry I don’t agree.

No: the OP allowed him to become addicted so they should help him overcome the addiction. Which a punishment, an outright ban, won’t do.

What should the OP’s punishment be? What would help the OP learn?

@PAFMO

He's 12 not 4. The wailing and tantrummimg needs to be totally ignored. Limit his screen time from now on until he earns it.

The OP is concerned about the boy’s mental health. Do you think that should be put down to tantrumming and ignored? Do you know much about adolescent mental health?

Actually an outright ban might help him overcome it. It would break the habit, he would find something else to do. He might even meet his friends in person and hang out rather than talking on the mic. And I know of kids that have had three month bans - they’ve got over it!

@Amber4242

Hm so she has allowed him to become addicted therefore she should never take it off him?? *@Pumperthepumper* Sorry I don’t agree.

No, the OP has given him a toy which she knows is addictive, and instead of dealing with it in general terms by providing stronger limits and boundaries, she’s taking it away for weeks.

Then it’ll be given back and it will go back to what it was.

Better to cut it down completely and keep her child busy than build up resentment and swipe it away at the first sign of bad behaviour.

I recognise that approach because I’ve been guilty of it myself and have overdone the punishment - when the reason for taking it away is because I didn’t like the gaming, as opposed to a sensible and proportionate punishment for the behaviour.

@Amber4242

Actually an outright ban might help him overcome it. It would break the habit, he would find something else to do. He might even meet his friends in person and hang out rather than talking on the mic. And I know of kids that have had three month bans - they’ve got over it!

His friends will be busy gaming 😂

In my experience, some will, some won't and, at that age, you still have a bit of contact with other parents to collectively encourage your children and their friends in a different direction

Will they? My DS and a huge gang of mates have spent all weekend in the park playing football.

@Pumperthepumper Yes, sure, but it may not have had same effect as it did with the games he played.

The game my ds played is one of the most famous rpg game in the world, and it did have so much positive effect on him rather than negative effects like few swear words, so, no, I really couldn't careless if it was partially age inappropriate. I played the game myself, so I know it wasn't something really horrible for him in the first place. He was reading before school, he became interested in art/music/maths/history/myth many others because of playing games, there were so much gain, rather than harm.

3 weeks!!! Bloody hell no wonder he's crying! Poor lad

And actually you are being unreasonable. You obviously allowed him to have a computer, this is what happens when you introduce young minds to stupid gaming. This is down to you!