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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:22

I agree about riding it out - weve had a long chat about how he is feeling and chosen some other things for him to do in the eves as well ad having a few mates round this week. You know, like we did before headset multi player gaming became ubiquitous from age 6 upwards.

OP posts:
AnnesBrokenSlate · 20/03/2022 20:22

You're sounding a little 'odd' OP. You started with a question that seemed concerned about your DC's MH and now your posts are berating parents and you're talking about being radicalised on Discord. Hmm. Hmm

It's your DC who misbehaved, not the DC of the parents on the thread. Your son is a young teen going through puberty not a grown man so those comparisons are frankly bizarre. And if one the 'needs' you recognise is friendship then you actually need to consider what friendship looks like for young teens who have spent two years in lockdown. But, this post isn't really for you. It's for anyone genuine who may be reading.

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:23

Swearing is not on, so I’d ask them what is wrong for them to feel the need to swear and we’d have a chat. I might give them an extra chore if the swearing were malicious or done on purpose.

Parent of the year award right here Hmm

OP posts:
refraction · 20/03/2022 20:23

I think you may ruin your relationship in the long term op. A few days to a week,
I am with you. But where do you go next? A year? Ruin your whole relationship.
So he can't wait to leave.
I have seen it happen.

abeanbaked · 20/03/2022 20:23

Jesus Christ.

Child: Get the fuck out of my room
Parent: Oh dear, I shouldn't be in his room, must give him privacy and peace to continue gaming, off I shall fuck

Stick to your guns OP.

Harlequin1088 · 20/03/2022 20:24

Oh for goodness sake. There’s kids his age literally shaking with fear in Ukrainian bomb shelters at the moment and he’s lying in bed wailing about missing a bloody computer game update. Tell him to get a grip and start improving his behaviour so that he doesn’t miss out in future. Christ.

implantreplace · 20/03/2022 20:24

@AnnesBrokenSlate

You're sounding a little 'odd' OP. You started with a question that seemed concerned about your DC's MH and now your posts are berating parents and you're talking about being radicalised on Discord. Hmm. Hmm

It's your DC who misbehaved, not the DC of the parents on the thread. Your son is a young teen going through puberty not a grown man so those comparisons are frankly bizarre. And if one the 'needs' you recognise is friendship then you actually need to consider what friendship looks like for young teens who have spent two years in lockdown. But, this post isn't really for you. It's for anyone genuine who may be reading.

Read her thread started today

Odd” is spot on

EmpressCixi · 20/03/2022 20:24

@Deereemer

merely saying “get the fuck out my room” in the heat of the moment is the right thing to do. What was OP even doing in his room anyway?

Is this what its like to have someone hairy of hands on the thread?

No hair on my hands. Perhaps the hairy one is you. Your punishment is just what my father was fond of doing. Taking one small slip up as an excuse for weeks of punishment by taking away what he knew would hurt me the most.
refraction · 20/03/2022 20:25

@Deereemer

Swearing is not on, so I’d ask them what is wrong for them to feel the need to swear and we’d have a chat. I might give them an extra chore if the swearing were malicious or done on purpose.

Parent of the year award right here Hmm

Yes it maybe on the softer side but I think he will be less angry and resentful in the long term.
grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 20/03/2022 20:25

Seriously, why do you doubt your sanctions?
I am a gamer, so is my dc. I have banned my dc from gaming, for sanctions. It's nothing different from other sanctions. If you give in, you lose.
And if you really think taking away gaming from your dc causes serious problems, then yeah, I think there is a real problem.

My ds is a gamer, since he was a baby/toddler. But not allowed to play because he has done something wrong and being taking away the previledge never caused any mental problem at all.

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:25

@AnnesBrokenSlate have you had a chance to google Dischord yet? Any inkling of the link between incel radicalisation and open chat unmoderated forums that are for gaming?

OP posts:
aylis · 20/03/2022 20:25

I don’t know if you’re being unreasonable with the length of the ban but I do find responses suggesting that punishment should somehow avoid actual consequences, to be unreasonable. I well remember being grounded for a month, having curfews imposed etc and they all impacted on my social life, it was quite literally the point.

Avocadobacardi · 20/03/2022 20:26

Yes, 12 yo male in puberty who shouldn’t have to worry about his female mum bursting in at anytime. He should have the right to the privacy of his room. FFS back at you.

Do me a favour, a 12 year old needs privacy if he’s changing etc but what kind of world do we live in where parents can’t go into a 12 year olds bedroom. I am probably even more of a terrible parent because I actually prefer them to have the bedroom door open during non bedtime house at that age so I can actually see what they’re doing.

Hyenaormeercat · 20/03/2022 20:26

Jeeze, If I or DB spoke to our mother like that at 12 we wouldnt have sat down for a week! Losing the tech is more likely to concentrate the mind if he wants it back. So glad we didn't have the consoles when DC were younger..it was a sega mega drive and they werent bothered with it. The 'what were you doing in his room' comments..really? there is privacy when needed but the reality is he can say 'get the fuck out' when he pays the bills!

Clavinova · 20/03/2022 20:27

Does he have a happy home life in general? Is his dad living with you?

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 20:28

Thanks grape. I don't know why i am either.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 20:28

@Avocadobacardi

Yes, 12 yo male in puberty who shouldn’t have to worry about his female mum bursting in at anytime. He should have the right to the privacy of his room. FFS back at you.

Do me a favour, a 12 year old needs privacy if he’s changing etc but what kind of world do we live in where parents can’t go into a 12 year olds bedroom. I am probably even more of a terrible parent because I actually prefer them to have the bedroom door open during non bedtime house at that age so I can actually see what they’re doing.

Jesús. Why? What do you suspect them of doing that you have to watch?
BanjoKnockers · 20/03/2022 20:29

Another vote for entirely disproportionate punishment.

Coffeekam · 20/03/2022 20:29

3 weeks it’s excessive. Give him a consequence but make it more lenient.

Wnikat · 20/03/2022 20:33

Maybe being without screens for 3 weeks will help him learn to moderate his emotions. Sounds like a good idea if this is his reaction to the ban.

JungleBungles · 20/03/2022 20:34

Mine are a bit younger and have had their tech taken off them for poor behaviour at home and a poor parents evening…after pushing my buttons I finally snapped and the parents evening was the icing on the cake!

We are currently on week 3 of no switch and no iPad and very limited TV, so I can’t comment on the length of the punishment 🤷‍♀️

1st weekend was horrible (lots of shouting, stomping and generally being shits and terrible backchat apparently I’m hated and the worst mum ever also has a few attempts to manipulate me into giving them back)

2nd weekend they almost earned them back
3rd weekend they have earned them back with very strict rules

To be honest my dc2 has asked for fornite and I’ve always dig my heels in and said no! I’m glad I have I really do not like it and I hate Roblox but they are allowed on it!

I’d say it’s a combination of manipulation and gaming addiction

Moonface123 · 20/03/2022 20:34

l think we need to stop looking at young teen boys enjoying gaming like the enemy, l have two older teenagers l never once used tech bans, you usually find as they become older they rely on gaming less and less, its just a stage, my 16 year old son was never sporty or outdoorsy yet now for the past year he is working out literally everyday, as well as cycling and running, when he was 13 and playing on games l worried he would never outgrow that stage but he has, don' t get me wrong he still enjoys gaming but not to the extent he did whilst a younger teen. Once their hormones kick in they want to look good, now l' m worried re him over lifting weights and getting an injury or coming off his bike as to regards gaming.

Bunce1 · 20/03/2022 20:35

I have a 13 year old too.

From what you’ve said op it sounds like the behaviour has been deteriorating and todays outburst and reaction has been building.

So I agree that you need firm boundaries and they are tempered with lots of nice times too. What kind of game schedule does he have? What other things does he do? Has he got a good social life and some mates?

I think 3 weeks is too long, and it would be more effective to have a short sharp shock and then a reworking of the gaming time permitted over the week?

I would go talk to him tomorrow and negotiate a new punishment. Say- you really upset me yesterday with your language. I can’t have you talk to me like that, do you understand why? (Talk about why) and then say, I’m willing to open negotiations about the gaming ban. I think I overreacted with 3 weeks, but that’s a reflection on how hurt I was when you told me to F off. I would never expect you to speak to me like that. We love each other. We respect each other. So no gaming till Wednesday, and we can monitor your usage. Because the reality is that all this screen time isn’t good for us”

DS has his PS5 every other night as long as all homework/chores is completed. He is on there for 60-90minutes on average. Sometimes longer if the game demands, but he’s pretty good a winding it down when we say.
The other evenings he is out doing sport, or we play a game or we chill together watching something.

It’s all about balance.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 20/03/2022 20:35

3 weeks it’s excessive. Give him a consequence but make it more lenient.

It really depend on what they did. Gaming can be quite out of ordinally. I have banned my then 4 years old from gaming for a year, since he started copying swear words. 12 years old is a bit tricky, but if the parents aren't experienced, I can see why they have to go to the extremes.

berlinbabylon · 20/03/2022 20:35

Imo such a ban will impede on his friendships at school

that's always the excuse for letting kids have inappropriate access to tech - it's as old as time (or least, as old as letting kids watch TV programmes that were on too late).

Sounds like he's just annoyed (unsurprising) and thinks he can manipulate you into changing your mind, OP. I assume he had warnings before you imposed the ban, so he had the chance to stop being rude and aggressive.

I don't think 3 weeks is necessarily OTT for aggression but it depends and only the OP will know how bad he's been.