To think this isn't normal re DS 12

[Deereemer]

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

I think you are doing the right thing.

One thing I have noticed with ds2 (same age) is that if we wait until he's calmed down from the disappointment of having his gaming taken away, and have a calm conversation about addiction and the dangers of it, and how we are withdrawing his devices not as a punishment but to reset his expectation of what is normal so he doesn't spiral into addiction, he 'gets' it and self-regulates (after the detox) for a few months.

It does tend to degenerate after a while and we have to repeat the cycle, but on the whole I think we have it under control.

I found after a few days of weening ds of gaming he was more sociable

It was an absolute lifeline in lockdown but times have moved on

I worry too about ds becoming addicted (being assessed for adhd) We would be out and he would be pestering me to go back home

But honestly in a year or two they do move on and want to meet up with friends now his phone is constantly on his hand (but then so is mine 😬)

I think you’re doing a great job at giving your son what he NEEDS - boundaries not just what he WANTS - gaming
I’m sorry for your situation and i hope you find peace within the chaos x

Oh dear. I feel like a terrible mum now. DS6 was allowed to play the PlayStation in January as we were all at home with Covid and it kept him quiet for a while when we were working. He then wanted to play it every evening and threw tantrums when we told him to come off it. We decided that the PlayStation was not to be used at all during school days: and only for an hour on weekend days. In fairness he didn’t throw a tantrum when we told him: he just said “ok” and then done something else

Poor lad. His dad is in a terrible way and his mum has cut him off from his social and mental enjoyment for lashing out at her. Mums are often thought of by their kids as the "safe space" to react badly after as OP has said - doing well at school and sport - whilst grieving the loss of relationship with his father. I am very well aware of these issues personally and OP do not lose your son by reacting yourself in such an excessive way to what is in reality a tiny thing. I speak from experience. Go and give the poor boy a cuddle. I would wager money that nobody would leave their wailing 12yo DD on her own for days as recommended by some on here. No wonder men have trouble expressing their emotions.

You are doing the right thing.

I've done the same with my eldest who is 12. But because he does many activities after school, he tends to forget about it.

The issue is, if you accept your child swearing at you in the home, it will eventually lead to the child swearing at you outside the home. No way would I take my own kids swearing at me. I've seen some families of teenagers who treat their parent like friends...I.e. "ohhhh mum you are being such a bitch" and who regularly swear at their parents when annoyed. I don't want a child like this.

Surely a fortnight is the obvious timeframe!

Oh and we only allow gaming on Friday nights/ weekends and a couple of days in the week during the holidays- otherwise my DS becomes a monster.

@Deereemer I don't have a teen yet, but I was one.
At the worst time of my life I was addicted to my computer. It was my escape, my way of socialising, talking things through etc. Having restrictions did make me angry and hurt (literally sometimes) because it was my lifeline,my happy place, somewhere where I could forget about the shit in my life. There's a panic you can't understand, unless you've lived it. The other alternative was books... but after 5/10 it just didn't have any effect and the thoughts would seep in. Finish time meant going back to the shit I was dealing with,the thoughts,the pain etc. of course I was distressed and angry about it.

Does the school now what your son is going through? Are they offering any support? I think you should look into counselling for him and now that gaming is gone make sure he can still do things,socialise,go places etc. He'll need another outlet and escape for the immensely big feelings he has at the moment. Have kids over, see if he can go to friend's houses,sleepovers,football at the park,clubs etc. Some will say that would be rewarding bad behaviour or making it easy for him. It's not ,it's exposing him to healthier alternatives and help him deal with his pain.

This is not about 'gaming'.
My heart goes out to him, he is trying to be normal.
You're both going through trauma, him more so (I would say), he feels he has a bad secret.

What if I took away your G&T, chocolate, whatever it is you cope with?

Don't alienate him, whatever you do. Teenaged boys are so vulnerable.

I found that as my son became a teen we were constantly re negotiating the screens. Every day, a few extra minutes here, bit later here. It was exhausting.

In the end we made the rules simple - gaming only happens Friday night, Saturday and Sunday around other commitments (football, visiting family, going out). Rest of the week he had his phone/ipad. They were left downstairs at bedtime.

I do think there is a lot of alarmist gaming addiction being bandied about here. I think it's more FOMO and friends addiction. Which most teenagers have always have.

And rest assured, once they get into girls etc. the games will be relegated.

Tell him to read a book.

Tell yourself to read the thread.

@Flickflak

Why is 3 weeks too long? No wonder kids have so many problems these days self-regulating their parents are enabling them. Tell him to read a book.

His problems are not self regulation.

@MargotsGreenBean

Tell him to read a book.

Tell yourself to read the thread.

Amen.

This isn't about gaming and the fact he also broke down about his Dad suggests that even more to me.

I'm so so sorry for you and your family for what you are are going through OP

My DM is a recovering alcoholic and I get the worry, I rarely drink any alcohol because I'm so worried I may have the same issue.

Do you and your family have any outside support? Something that helped me was a councillor, someone outside the family who I could talk to and could see the situation from a different perspective.

@Flickflak

Why is 3 weeks too long? No wonder kids have so many problems these days self-regulating their parents are enabling them. Tell him to read a book.

You might want to read the whole thread.

My son was like this at the same age. He wasn’t just gaming. He was looking up adult content and obviously having “Alone Time”. (Hopefully alone, but you never can tell, can you???” I took his devices and locked all the security down. The little bugger worked his way around all the firewalls. He goes to a boy’s school, so I took his computer and phone into the tech department and asked for help, and asked what he’d been doing. He’d breached the school’s usage rules so he was hauled over the coals and put on detention. The put extra firewalls and things that reported back to them for the next couple of years. He also grew up a lot since then and has much nicer friends. You are doing exactly the right thing, even if it’s harder for you. He will end up respecting you for this in the long run. (Maybe tell him if he speaks to you disrespectfully and continues to behave like a tantrumming three year old, you’ll make it six weeks?)

@Justilou1

My son was like this at the same age. He wasn’t just gaming. He was looking up adult content and obviously having “Alone Time”. (Hopefully alone, but you never can tell, can you???” I took his devices and locked all the security down. The little bugger worked his way around all the firewalls. He goes to a boy’s school, so I took his computer and phone into the tech department and asked for help, and asked what he’d been doing. He’d breached the school’s usage rules so he was hauled over the coals and put on detention. The put extra firewalls and things that reported back to them for the next couple of years. He also grew up a lot since then and has much nicer friends. You are doing exactly the right thing, even if it’s harder for you. He will end up respecting you for this in the long run. (Maybe tell him if he speaks to you disrespectfully and continues to behave like a tantrumming three year old, you’ll make it six weeks?)

Dear God. I'm far from a perfect parent but I'd recognise I had failed pretty badly if I had to resort to these measures to stop my young child watching adult content that I'd already attempted to block

Did he have no response to you saying it wasn't something you wanted him to do, along with the restrictions?

I started this thread because I was amazed at his reaction.

Why are you amazed?

Of course he's disconsolate at losing his device for 3 weeks when he's already going through a really tough time.

I recognise that you are too.

The way he spoke up you was unacceptable. But creating a further issue with a really harsh punishment is going to make it much worse.

I'd go back & talk to him. Explain where you're at; ask him about his thoughts.

Kids are much better than we often credit them for working out suitable boundaries for themselves, with our help.

You need to create a connection here OP, not more distance.

Sounds like much needed discipline if he’s THAT upset about a game. Stand firm, he’ll live.

@Blossomtoes

It’s a sign of manipulative behaviour to get his own way. Ignore him, he’ll get tired of it when he sees it doesn’t work.

Agree. Set your boundaries out now

@user1471447924

Sounds like much needed discipline if he’s THAT upset about a game. Stand firm, he’ll live.

How about a bit of compassion (from OP to her DS)? It's possible to be firm about the language, while also understanding why he would be upset.

I mentor under-performing boys as a bit of a volunteer.

My top tip would be to get a copy of ‘The Biy Crisis’ by William Farrell and also ‘Raising Boys’ by Steve Biddulph - and read both cover to cover.

This is still savageable, but you need to know how and act immediately - these are (by a long way) the best books on the subject. Those and maybe ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens’ by Steven Covey.

Respect to you @Deereemer . You're setting a clear line that it's not ok for him to talk to you that way.

I'm not a mum or ever played Fortnite, but I've seen others on this forum mention that it made their kids get kind of aggressive.