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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
spirit20 · 20/03/2022 21:45

3 weeks sounds a very long time. I would wager his level of distress isn't about the game itself, but thinking about how he will essentially not excluded from his social group for that time due to not being able to take part.

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 21:45

[quote grapehyacinthisactuallyblue]@Pumperthepumper Yes, sure, but it may not have had same effect as it did with the games he played.

The game my ds played is one of the most famous rpg game in the world, and it did have so much positive effect on him rather than negative effects like few swear words, so, no, I really couldn't careless if it was partially age inappropriate. I played the game myself, so I know it wasn't something really horrible for him in the first place. He was reading before school, he became interested in art/music/maths/history/myth many others because of playing games, there were so much gain, rather than harm.[/quote]
Why did you ban it then?

grapewines · 20/03/2022 21:46

Actually an outright ban might help him overcome it. It would break the habit, he would find something else to do. He might even meet his friends in person

His friends will be gaming since there's a new update coming.

Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 21:46

@Amber4242

Actually an outright ban might help him overcome it. It would break the habit, he would find something else to do. He might even meet his friends in person and hang out rather than talking on the mic. And I know of kids that have had three month bans - they’ve got over it!
What should the OP’s punishment be?
Nishkin · 20/03/2022 21:47
  • Thanks fairisle. I think we can see exactly just how many parents there are who like a quiet life while allowing a child to game excessively.*

My son probably ‘games excessively’ but has never spoken to me like that. Don’t think the gaming is your problem tbh

Amici · 20/03/2022 21:47

My kids are gamers. I'd let him have a courtesy HOUR of playing the new update then it's off again. But not because he was crying about it. He can earn it by washing the dishes/pairing up the socks, running an errand or two. He's got to gain your trust and he's got to trust that you're giving him the ban because he didn't deserve to have fun if he's being a nuisance in other ways.

Blossomtoes · 20/03/2022 21:49

Jesus @Pumperthepumper, you’re like a stuck record. Give it a rest.

milkysmum · 20/03/2022 21:49

Yep these update are huge deal apparently - mine would be crying too!
3 weeks is a really long time for a tech ban, I'm intrigued what led to that severity of punishment?

grapewines · 20/03/2022 21:50

@milkysmum

Yep these update are huge deal apparently - mine would be crying too! 3 weeks is a really long time for a tech ban, I'm intrigued what led to that severity of punishment?
OP said the kid told her to fuck off out of his room.
Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 21:51

@Blossomtoes

Jesus *@Pumperthepumper*, you’re like a stuck record. Give it a rest.
What?
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 21:51

Amici i mean this respectfully and I'm sure the ages of your children are key here - but. How on earth do you get to a point when rather than thinking 'my kid has a fairly obviously unhealthy hobby that takes up a good proportion of his waking time to' my kids are gamers'?

OP posts:
sweetbellyhigh · 20/03/2022 21:53

Three weeks is a lifetime to a 12yo

What about five days? That is plenty long enough for him to reflect.

Gaming is more than screen time, it's their social life to an extent too.

Iggly · 20/03/2022 21:54

@Amber4242

Will they? My DS and a huge gang of mates have spent all weekend in the park playing football.
If his friends are all gaming with each other normally, yes they will.
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 21:54

And the point is - he has undermined and disrespected the base of our family values. Telling his mother to get the fuck out of his room aged 12 is absolutely, base line completely unacceptable. So it goes.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 20/03/2022 21:55

@Deereemer

And the point is - he has undermined and disrespected the base of our family values. Telling his mother to get the fuck out of his room aged 12 is absolutely, base line completely unacceptable. So it goes.
Because you haven’t taught him not to.
Theunamedcat · 20/03/2022 21:57

Discord is a tool like any other my son uses my Discord to talk to his friends (real life friends) while they game they also use WhatsApp I have access to both I see everything he does and I can control his devices should I choose too we did have a time where he was very combative over the xbox so I removed it until he matured a bit he begged me to return it I tried to but he could not accept the phrase time to switch off so he couldn't use it again he is 13 and came off it tonight easily

Washermother33 · 20/03/2022 21:58

3 weeks is too long - we’ve just done a 3 day ban here …a week ban reduced for good behaviour .

12 is a tough hormonal age with starting secondary and everything that goes with it .

All his friends ( probably new friends from secondary ) will be playing the new season and he will miss out on friendship stuff as a result …

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/03/2022 21:59

Swearing at you is serious, but I can't imagine dragging any punishment out for 3 weeks, you have to wait 3 weeks to see if its had any effect. Surely you either ban him for the next day, talk it through and move on, or take it away permanently. You are dragging the whole process out 3 weeks and I'm not sure why. Someone will probably say its 'to teach him a lesson' but by 3 weeks there isn't really any connection to the original event anymore.

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 22:00

I think its because I've observed a link between negative gaming and time playing fortnite. So im starting with 3 weeks and considering getting rid of it.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 20/03/2022 22:01

Yes ban him. But three weeks? If it is too long you are leaving yourself with nowhere to go next. (He's 12, there is a lot of teenage development to go)

I would be talking about why he thought it was acceptable to swear, how it made me feel. (Get him to think about it and give an answer) whether he would like to be sworn at, what alternatives he could have used. Mine get the opportunity to earn back computer time through good behaviour. (Reduction in sentence)

JeanBodel · 20/03/2022 22:01

This is one of those AIBUs where the OP has the whole question solved before she ever starts the thread. She's not asking, she's telling.

NandorTheRelentlessCleaner · 20/03/2022 22:02

Him telling you that, and the attitude are definitely not acceptable

Do you find these kind of tech-ban punishments work, generally? Is it a successful way to get him to behave better?

Or is it an excuse to get him off the gaming devices for a bit?

Is his gaming and amount of gaming acceptable (to you)?

MargotsGreenBean · 20/03/2022 22:03

OP, you sound a bit all or nothing. You’ve let your son become addicted (you fear) and get to a point where he’s telling you to get the fuck out but it sounds as if you’re just doing a 3 week ban and then going back to how things were before, which was the situation that caused the problems in the first place.

I think the 3 week thing is both too harsh and too lax- too harsh because it’s a long time and therefore unfocused, too lax because you haven’t said anything about dealing with the underlying problem and sound like you’re just going back to how things were. I’d be trying to work out a plan for how to deal with gaming going forward, limiting screen time and introducing more other activities etc, and get your son involved in this as well so that he can see it as a positive. I think just banning gaming as a punishment without working on the underlying problem just makes gaming seem even more attractive.

Letting children do what they want then swooping in with a heavy-handed punishment when it goes too far isn’t good parenting. You need to be taking an interest and making sure things are on track all the time, not just in response to bad behaviour.

DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 22:03

Wow, do all of you saying three weeks is too long think that children can't survive without video games?

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 22:05

Im really do apologise for getting heated on this thread. We've had a really hard few months because ds can't have contact with his df while df refused his meds for a long time. Of course the bigger picture is that he is grieving and has lost his father and fuck its a grief we live with daily. But whatever he is doing on fortnite its not good for him. When he cried about losing fn earlier he also wept about missing his dad. Its a tragedy and im scared as fuck for all of us and trying my best. I genuinely did not mean to come off as aggressive or patronising. Its the end of a long weekend, im sorry.

OP posts: