Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't normal re DS 12

381 replies

Deereemer · 20/03/2022 18:13

Ds got a tech ban this weekend due to unacceptable behaviour yesterday. The bam is for 3 weeks as things have been getting out of hand with how he has been, increasingly rude, shouty, downright aggressive at times.

He is in his bed crying and i mean wailing because he will miss the new fortnight update. When he stops crying he just stares at the wall and doesn't do anything at. All.

I am worried this is a sign of gaming addiction or depression, i don't know.

Any advice welcomed

OP posts:
Iggly · 20/03/2022 22:05

@DomesticatedZombie

Wow, do all of you saying three weeks is too long think that children can't survive without video games?
That’s not the point….

It feels like this punishment is an excuse to take away something that the OP doesn’t like her son doing - as opposed to fitting the crime.

7eleven · 20/03/2022 22:05

@Deereemer

I think its because I've observed a link between negative gaming and time playing fortnite. So im starting with 3 weeks and considering getting rid of it.
I don’t disagree with you, but could you not help him learn to moderate himself? It’s a good life skill.
ToasterOfMarshmallows · 20/03/2022 22:06

I have sons who are 19 and 16. There have been a few occasions over the years where they have spoken to me very disrespectfully, never full out swearing but horrific entitled attitude treating me like dirt.

Like you OP I told them straight that nobody speaks to me like that. Their Dad doesn't, they wouldn't dare speak to a teacher like that and if this was a relationship it would be over. I wouldn't be spoken to in that manner.

I have banned them from tech for misbehaviour, they need to learn that actions have consequences. We have a great relationship, all of us as a family spend time together and at no stage did this damage our Mother/son relationship. I do think that teenagers speak appallingly to parents because it is somehow the expected norm and then there is no punishment and they continue that behaviour.

I think maybe missing the Fortnite release might be a good thing as he can see how far he crossed over the line.

DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 22:06

OP Flowers

What support do you have in place for your son? And for yourself?

Iggly · 20/03/2022 22:07

@Deereemer

Im really do apologise for getting heated on this thread. We've had a really hard few months because ds can't have contact with his df while df refused his meds for a long time. Of course the bigger picture is that he is grieving and has lost his father and fuck its a grief we live with daily. But whatever he is doing on fortnite its not good for him. When he cried about losing fn earlier he also wept about missing his dad. Its a tragedy and im scared as fuck for all of us and trying my best. I genuinely did not mean to come off as aggressive or patronising. Its the end of a long weekend, im sorry.
Sorry to hear this OP - I think there’s a bigger issue going on, I doubt that it’s fortnite that’s caused this outburst from your poor DS. It must be hard for him to deal with this.
MargotsGreenBean · 20/03/2022 22:09

@DomesticatedZombie

Wow, do all of you saying three weeks is too long think that children can't survive without video games?
I don’t think anyone has suggested a child can’t survive without video games for 3 weeks.
grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 20/03/2022 22:10

Why did you ban it then?

@Pumperthepumper Simple. Because I was a new parent figuring out what's the best for my child. Like I said, I make/made mistakes.

Now I know my dc is older, I can see what good it did, and know that I may have made a mistake of banning playing. Or maybe not, it may have taught him a lesson, who knows, I don't, tbh.

7eleven · 20/03/2022 22:11

Oh OP, your update is heartbreaking. You’re all having a really rough time. Would it be ok to suggest that this incident is perhaps just something you’ve been able latch on to? Not saying that his language is at all acceptable but blinking ‘eck, please let him do the update and sort this in a different way.

Can I give you a very un-mumsnety hug.

DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 22:13

I wonder if this thread might be better in Chat or Relationships, OP, too? AIBU does tend to bring out the combative posts. You can report it and ask for it to be moved, if you wish.

ThisisMax · 20/03/2022 22:14

@JeanBodel

This is one of those AIBUs where the OP has the whole question solved before she ever starts the thread. She's not asking, she's telling.
Thread removed in 3, 2.....1......
Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 22:14

Flowers thanks 7 11

OP posts:
7eleven · 20/03/2022 22:14

Fitting in with your friends is really important when you’re 12.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 20/03/2022 22:15

No one thinks kids can't survive without video games. They just think that banning a hobby for 3 weeks as a punishment for a spur of the moment outburst is heavy handed.

Its like our parents grounding us for 3 weeks, or not letting us watch TV for 3 weeks, or taking away your walkman for 3 weeks. Its half a school term before you even factor in how time goes slower for kids.

HRTQueen · 20/03/2022 22:16

Yes seems normal with the children I know who love gaming

Ds screamed and cried and refused to eat his dinner (ate later) and perfected the sad hurt look over the following days. He soon got over it. But didn’t learn it was taken away again repeat

He has moved on thankfully (still have the odd argument over his gaming)

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 22:17

Its ok. Its a fact we are living a particularly shit version of family life due to their df illness. But this has been going on for years and ds and i talk a lot about it when he needs to. Its also a fact in parralel that he was not respecting limits on game time and swore abusively at me. Its also a fact that his df illness was triggered by a spiral of addiction. So yes, im scared he may be genetically susceptible to addiction.

OP posts:
MargotsGreenBean · 20/03/2022 22:17

Sorry to read your update, OP. That sounds incredibly hard. Can I suggest you just give him a big hug, let him do the update and reverse the ban but work out a plan together for a level of gaming that you’re happy with. And talk to him about the importance of respect in relation to the swearing and ask him to apologise. Sounds like you’re all under a huge amount of stress.

secular39 · 20/03/2022 22:18

@abeanbaked

Jesus Christ.

Child: Get the fuck out of my room
Parent: Oh dear, I shouldn't be in his room, must give him privacy and peace to continue gaming, off I shall fuck

Stick to your guns OP.

I just had to laugh at this.
doitbelieveit · 20/03/2022 22:19

My 12 yr old doesn't game excessively, is very polite and has plenty of other non gaming hobbies. He would have been DEVASTATED to miss the Fortnite upgrade today.
I don't know what your son did OP to warrant his punishment and I can see that many replies on this thread are not from parents of young teen boys.
Many of whom found gaming with their friends a lifeline during lockdowns.
Really important to understand your DCs interests and the impact of any decisions you make on their happiness.
Never excusing poor behaviour, but understanding what's behind their behaviour and our role in helping them grow from young people to happy and healthy young adults who can control their emotions and react proportionately to disappointment and unhappiness. We don't do this with arbitrary control and punishment.

HRTQueen · 20/03/2022 22:19

Just read your update

Of course will be emotional at the moment

At times they do need to be taken away from it maybe just for a few days it’s good for them

Original poster
Deereemer · 20/03/2022 22:19

abeanbaked

Jesus Christ.

Child: Get the fuck out of my room
Parent: Oh dear, I shouldn't be in his room, must give him privacy and peace to continue gaming, off I shall fuck

Stick to your guns OP.

I just had to laugh at this.

Me too Grin

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 20/03/2022 22:20

We had to stop fortnite for our 11 year old as the attitude was terrible when playing it. We had banned it for periods before and attitude did improve so we knew the game was causing it. Luckily his 13 year old brother decided fifa was more interesting and doesn't really play it now. It the only game we have had to stop.

Outwiththenorm · 20/03/2022 22:20

Fully support you, op. Have observed how aggressive (the only time) our 3 year old gets when we try to turn Peppa Pig off. Screens are wonderful and evil and no one knows the correct balance yet.

7eleven · 20/03/2022 22:24

@Deereemer

abeanbaked

Jesus Christ.

Child: Get the fuck out of my room
Parent: Oh dear, I shouldn't be in his room, must give him privacy and peace to continue gaming, off I shall fuck

Stick to your guns OP.

I just had to laugh at this.

Me too Grin

Oh come on. You know it’s much, much more than this. Your child isn’t just being a bolshy brat. @Deereemer, don’t continue down this path. Flowers
7eleven · 20/03/2022 22:28

I wish people would read the whole thread before coming in. I don’t always myself, so I know why. The OP has gone on to explain the extreme stress the family are living under. This isn’t just a discipline issue.

DomesticatedZombie · 20/03/2022 22:28

@LivingDeadGirlUK

No one thinks kids can't survive without video games. They just think that banning a hobby for 3 weeks as a punishment for a spur of the moment outburst is heavy handed.

Its like our parents grounding us for 3 weeks, or not letting us watch TV for 3 weeks, or taking away your walkman for 3 weeks. Its half a school term before you even factor in how time goes slower for kids.

Is it actually a punishment? I had the impression OP was worried that it was causing grief and pain for her child so was withdrawing it. I don't think this is unreasonable.

OP is fully aware her child is in pain and needs support.