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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go to local pub for Mother's Day Lunch?

143 replies

PoloPrincess · 20/03/2022 14:50

My OH frequents the local village pub every other day, tbf it has been a life saver for him, the locals have supported him through tough times for which I'm very grateful for. Yes it's a lovely pub and I visit once a week. Occasionally we'll eat there but its not an eatery and they dish up what I call pensioner portions. The usual lasagne, scampi and all day breakfast are on offer and there's a roast on Sunday, which is ok if I can't be bothered to cook.

OH has asked me twice 1) if I'd like to go to another local pub for a date night which I said no to and I told him that I think I deserve better (it's just the same as my own village pub). He said fine, we won't go then. And 2) he's asked me today if I'd like to go to the village pub for Mother's Day lunch? Again I've said no, the reason I gave him is that I can't be bothered and I can cook better food at home.

AIBU? It's been really tough for us and I think that we're doing alright together. I've supported him through his depression episodes, I do everything at home, I carry and fetch, shopping, cooking, and i've been playing nurse to him since he injured himself quite badly at Christmas. I've recently had a bit of an accident and I've hurt myself quite badly but it doesn't stop me from doing the cooking, housework etc.

I think that I deserve a bit more, a nice restaurant so I can put on a posh frock, heels and enjoy being spoiled. At the moment that is just a dream.

I'm so sorry that I might sound a but mardy and spoilt but it is getting me down.

OP posts:

betwixtlives · 20/03/2022 14:53

What are pensioners portions? Small?

SandysMam · 20/03/2022 14:53

I absolutely agree but you just need to tell him that. In plain English, what you would like to do and where. It’s crap, would be great if they read our minds but I think some men are just rubbish at this and need it spelling out to them. Tell him which restaurant you want to go to. Enjoy!

Hugasauras · 20/03/2022 14:53

Just say 'No, I want to go to X, can you book it please?' Have you tried that?

Ponoka7 · 20/03/2022 14:54

Why didn't you ask for what you wanted? If you didn't then you can't complain about him not being psychic.

RunnerDuck2020 · 20/03/2022 14:55

Have you told him where you would like to go instead?

Hatinafield · 20/03/2022 14:56

“I’d love to go out, can we go to x though please? Do you want to give them a ring and book?”

Aaaaaaand done.

Glugglejug · 20/03/2022 14:57

Just tell him where you want to go. He’s not a mind reader and he’s clearly happy with the pub. If you aren’t then the onus is on you to tell him where you DO want to go.

ISeeTheLight · 20/03/2022 14:57

You need to communicate better, just tell him what you want and what you wrote in your OP.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 14:57

Does he want to go to the places he knows well because he feels safe there?

I know when I've been in my worst mental states the last thing I've wanted to do is worry about where the toilets are or feel out of place in a swanky restaurant.

Book somewhere else for date night.
Tell him you'd rather try somewhere new for Mother's Day.

FinallyHere · 20/03/2022 14:58

the reason I gave him is that I can't be bothered and I can cook better food at home.

Maybe you have already tried this, in which case I apologies for suggesting that you tell him you want to go somewhere more special to mark special occasions.

Tell him where you want to go. Or ask him for suggestions on where else you could go. Simplest just tell me.

Don't make him jump through hoops trying to guess. Just Give him a chance to do what you really want.

Spandang · 20/03/2022 14:59

Do you think if he’s suffered depression and this place feels like a second home to him, he perhaps feels comfortable going there whereas another place he may feel out of place? Uneasy? Anxious?

Not at all saying you don’t deserve it but I can see how he perhaps arrived here

SartresSoul · 20/03/2022 15:00

Pick somewhere you’d like to go and tell him. He can go to the local pub for Father’s Day but this is a day for you so your choice.

Underfrighter · 20/03/2022 15:00

I don't think it's about what someone 'deserves', it's about what they enjoy. I know people who would hate to go to a posh restaurant. He obviously likes it there so don't think he is being unreasonable to suggest it, given you do go there sometimes, he might assume you enjoy it. Equally you are not being unreasonable to say you view it as somewhere ok if you can't be bothered to cook but you actually prefer someone different, especially when it's an 'occasion'.

MasterBeth · 20/03/2022 15:01

Where would you rather go? Book that place. Job done.

MarthaFokker · 20/03/2022 15:01

You've completely missed out the point of Mother's Day from your post.

What are your child(ren) doing for you?

SnowCatya · 20/03/2022 15:02

Why are some men so dim?

If I said "I want to go somewhere nicer" DP would just... Look for somewhere nicer. It's not rocket science, surely?

It would annoy me no end having to spell out exactly where I wanted to go because I've had to find it myself, when DP should be perfectly capable of working with "somewhere nicer than the local village pubs".

I guess you'll have to do the work for him. You shouldn't have to, but it looks like you will.

LoudingVoice · 20/03/2022 15:04

Do you want to go somewhere else, do you have somewhere in mind?

It’s fine not to always want to go to the same place but don’t complain if you then go nowhere if you don’t offer up more options.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/03/2022 15:05

Why are you expecting your partner to take you out for Mother's Day? What are your children doing? Do you even have any? You haven't mentioned any children.

TracyMosby · 20/03/2022 15:08

Fucking hell. All the posts saying op should tell him where to take her on mothers day because why? He cannot think for himself? She already does everything at home. He cannot seriously be expected to book somewhere other than the local pub he goes in EVERY OTHER DAY on mothers day unless she thinks for him?!

Fuck off and raise your standards for fuckwit men.

Op, you’ve told him no to the local village pub. Presumably youve also said you want to get dressed up. It’s time he pulled his weight again. Whats he doing to help himself as going drinking in the pub every other day cannot actually be good for him.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/03/2022 15:10

Why are you expecting your partner to take you out for Mother's Day? What are your children doing? Do you even have any? You haven't mentioned any children

Slightly tiresome response. Generally partners arrange mothers day/fathers day until the children are practically adults. It's a nice thing to do to show how much you appreciate how much your spouses do for you all as a family.

Agree with others OP you should jusy say "no thank you I'd rather do x"

WomanStanleyWoman · 20/03/2022 15:11

@MarthaFokker

You've completely missed out the point of Mother's Day from your post.

What are your child(ren) doing for you?

The OP’s children could be just that - children. It’s hardly uncommon for a father to sort out a Mother’s Day treat (and vice versa).

Carrotten · 20/03/2022 15:12

I don't think he's being dim. He clearly likes going to the pub and I would say a pub lunch is perfectly reasonable for mothers day from your partner, it's not a birthday or anniversary. I'd say its fine for a date night too tbh

But if it's not for you, (which is also reasonable) just say I'd like to go to a restaurant not a pub. If there's a specific restaurant say. You cant expect anyone to read your mind. So far you've said you can't be bothered to go out and cook better at home which doesn't scream treat me to a nice restaurant.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2022 15:12

Don't tell him what you don't want. Tell him what you want. This is good advice for everywhere!

SnowCatya · 20/03/2022 15:13

He's not being dim for suggesting it as he clearly likes it. He's being dim by seemingly not being able to understand "I would like to go somewhere nicer". He really can't understand that?

SnowCatya · 20/03/2022 15:15

It’s fine not to always want to go to the same place but don’t complain if you then go nowhere if you don’t offer up more options.

Why can't her DP think of and offer some more options? He can use Google. He knows she doesn't want to go there, but then can't possibly find some other options? No, of course that will fall on OP

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