To not want to go to local pub for Mother's Day Lunch?

[PoloPrincess]

My OH frequents the local village pub every other day, tbf it has been a life saver for him, the locals have supported him through tough times for which I'm very grateful for. Yes it's a lovely pub and I visit once a week. Occasionally we'll eat there but its not an eatery and they dish up what I call pensioner portions. The usual lasagne, scampi and all day breakfast are on offer and there's a roast on Sunday, which is ok if I can't be bothered to cook.

OH has asked me twice 1) if I'd like to go to another local pub for a date night which I said no to and I told him that I think I deserve better (it's just the same as my own village pub). He said fine, we won't go then. And 2) he's asked me today if I'd like to go to the village pub for Mother's Day lunch? Again I've said no, the reason I gave him is that I can't be bothered and I can cook better food at home.

AIBU? It's been really tough for us and I think that we're doing alright together. I've supported him through his depression episodes, I do everything at home, I carry and fetch, shopping, cooking, and i've been playing nurse to him since he injured himself quite badly at Christmas. I've recently had a bit of an accident and I've hurt myself quite badly but it doesn't stop me from doing the cooking, housework etc.

I think that I deserve a bit more, a nice restaurant so I can put on a posh frock, heels and enjoy being spoiled. At the moment that is just a dream.

I'm so sorry that I might sound a but mardy and spoilt but it is getting me down.

But OP's OH has asked if she wants to go to the pub for mother's day, and the fact that she skivvies for everyone, including his children, I'm thinking OH wants to recognise this day for OP. Maybe he's even doing so on behalf of her own DS, all be it badly.

@WanderinWomb I know! My DC are now 18 and 21 but we never went out for lunch or dinner on Mother’s Day. DH helped them make me breakfast or bought some daffodils for them to give to me. Same in Fathers Day.

Where do you take him?

@IamnotSethRogan

Why are you expecting your partner to take you out for Mother's Day? What are your children doing? Do you even have any? You haven't mentioned any children

Slightly tiresome response. Generally partners arrange mothers day/fathers day until the children are practically adults. It's a nice thing to do to show how much you appreciate how much your spouses do for you all as a family.

Agree with others OP you should jusy say "no thank you I'd rather do x"

It's such a massive deal now. Commercial crap really. I find all the moaning about it extremely tedious.

YAB a bit silly.

I think because I skivvy around for everyone else including OH's kids, that maybe just for that one day I'd get the day off

Why are you doing absolutely everything 365 days a year? Even if he took you to the Ritz for MD that does not make up for the fact he’s not pulling his weight for the other 364 days

Start a conversation with him about sharing around the burden so it downs all fall on you.

You don’t have dc together and your ds wouldn’t be at the meal anyway. Why should your dh have to fork out for an expensive Mother’s Day meal when you’re not his mum or the mother of his dc?

You are not his mother and you are not the mother to his children

If you are a mother and are married to a man who isn’t prepared to ensure you have a nice Mother’s Day regardless of whether you are the mother to his children then you serve better. You really do.

As PP said this Mothering Day stuff is a bit of a red herring. It seems really silly to complain about it when your child won't even be there.

Where do you go for your birthday? Do you ever stop skivvying after others? Do you get any be breaks outings or treats?

@SoyaChai

She already does everything at home.

Well that's entirely her choice.

No, usually it's the case that if the woman doesn't do everything, it doesn't get done.

If that's your experience you should reassess your own home life

Book where you want to go and take control.

OP perhaps he told you that the restaurant you suggested was too expensive because he cant afford it right now. Just because you say money is no object for him, he might not feel that, particularly if he suffers depression and its something that causes him anxiety

He offered to go somewhere and you turned it down but you say you're sitting in the greenhouse wondering what you did wrong. Nothings wrong, he obviously didnt feel he could afford the restaurant.

If you can’t get your child without hassle on Mother’s Day then celebrate it on the Monday evening. Go to the place you want to go with your child. I love one to one time with each of mine.

As some others have said, reconsider your relationship. He seems to be getting a lot more out of it than you are.

If the 'DH' can afford to go to the pub every other day then he can afford to take OP out once in a while to somewhere a bit more expensive and a bit more to OP's liking.
And Mother's Day, when the DS has a ready made babysitter would be a great time to do that.
But no, the DH wants to go where his mates are, nothing special, bog standard food that would be less tasty than OP could prepare herself. I'm not surprised she's retreated to the greenhouse.

If I were OP I'd either take myself off somewhere nice by myself, or I'd organise a treat with my DS for another day, in lieu of Mother's Day.

You sound like a bit of a complainer, when your partner would be happy to go to the local pub to eat. I was wondering what pensioner meals are,, are they a bit rubbishy, and not to your taste.?

@OfstedOffred

OP where did you take him on Father's Day?

Father's Day we went to a swish restaurant a 20 minute drive away.

@1forAll74

You sound like a bit of a complainer, when your partner would be happy to go to the local pub to eat. I was wondering what pensioner meals are,, are they a bit rubbishy, and not to your taste.?

She's not really a complainer because she fancies going somewhere other than the same place they always go for a date night.

Well a few less evenings in the local pub and he could afford to take Op where she would like to go.

God, there are some twats on this thread.

The OP would like to go out for lunch somewhere nice. The family budget can take the strain, but her partner won't step up. He's tight and thoughtless - its not a good look in a partner.

Sorry, OP, I really don't know how you change someone from being a selfish knob into a thoughtful and caring partner. I think I would ring my best friend and see if she wanted to go for lunch with me instead.

Should step-dads get nothing on Father's Day?

I’ve been Stepmother to two girls now aged 18 and 22, for 12 years. We have a great relationship and although they buy my birthday and Christmas presents, I’ve never received anything from them for Mother’s Day and I’m fine with that. I’m not their mum, they have one to buy cards and flowers for.

@PonyPatter44

God, there are some twats on this thread.

The OP would like to go out for lunch somewhere nice. The family budget can take the strain, but her partner won't step up. He's tight and thoughtless - its not a good look in a partner.

Sorry, OP, I really don't know how you change someone from being a selfish knob into a thoughtful and caring partner. I think I would ring my best friend and see if she wanted to go for lunch with me instead.

Couldn't have put it better myself. I think having lunch out with a good friend at a decent restaurant is a much better idea than having lunch with your selfish, ungrateful, skinflint partner.

Do you want to stay with this man? Because it sounds like a whole lot of unappreciated hard work to me.

So as far as I can tell you do everything for him and his children - even managing to do so with an injury of your own and he wont do anything for you at all that isnt going to the village pub that he goes to every other day (presumanly leaving you on your own).

This sounds a very uneven relationship - it sounds as if you have poured yourself into making him happy but at the expense of yourself

I think you're being unreasonable. He really likes the pub so obviously he'll think you like it (or has convinced himself you like it!) so he's asked if you'd like to go. Why get mardy about that?

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to go there but why don't you choose a place you do want to go to instead of being a martyr and staying in and cooking? I've read your update that you've chosen a restaurant but he says it's too expensive despite being affordable for your budget. I'd just ring up and book the table. If he comes, great. If not, you don't need to look at his miserable face and he can cook his own dinner.

Or, as we have done with my mum this year, move Mothering Sunday to next week and go out with your son for the day.

Whatever, the decision to be happy or miserable about a meal is in your own hands.

I agree with Ponypatter

I think you really need to treat yourself (and maybe a friend) and not hang around for tight arse. Then, I would lay down some very firm boundaries as to what you're prepared to do from now on. The times his DC are there it's his responsibility to get things done and that's for starters. Go out when they're if necessary, like he does. He obviously takes you for a mug and can't even be bothered to take you out for a nice meal. Now's the time for change. Good luck