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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to local pub for Mother's Day Lunch?

143 replies

PoloPrincess · 20/03/2022 14:50

My OH frequents the local village pub every other day, tbf it has been a life saver for him, the locals have supported him through tough times for which I'm very grateful for. Yes it's a lovely pub and I visit once a week. Occasionally we'll eat there but its not an eatery and they dish up what I call pensioner portions. The usual lasagne, scampi and all day breakfast are on offer and there's a roast on Sunday, which is ok if I can't be bothered to cook.

OH has asked me twice 1) if I'd like to go to another local pub for a date night which I said no to and I told him that I think I deserve better (it's just the same as my own village pub). He said fine, we won't go then. And 2) he's asked me today if I'd like to go to the village pub for Mother's Day lunch? Again I've said no, the reason I gave him is that I can't be bothered and I can cook better food at home.

AIBU? It's been really tough for us and I think that we're doing alright together. I've supported him through his depression episodes, I do everything at home, I carry and fetch, shopping, cooking, and i've been playing nurse to him since he injured himself quite badly at Christmas. I've recently had a bit of an accident and I've hurt myself quite badly but it doesn't stop me from doing the cooking, housework etc.

I think that I deserve a bit more, a nice restaurant so I can put on a posh frock, heels and enjoy being spoiled. At the moment that is just a dream.

I'm so sorry that I might sound a but mardy and spoilt but it is getting me down.

OP posts:
KimikosNightmare · 20/03/2022 16:00

But she does all the housework and skivvying. She deserves the meal out

If that's the OP's life she's got more to worry about than how an over- hyped, commercially marketed day is "celebrated"

I've never done Mother's day or Father's day- I don't even know when they are. Far more importantly all housework and childcare were shared equally. One hyped up day doesn't make up for the other 364.

BoredZelda · 20/03/2022 16:01

Generally partners arrange mothers day/fathers day until the children are practically adults. It's a nice thing to do to show how much you appreciate how much your spouses do for you all as a family.

A very different experience from mine. My daughter is 12 and sorts Mother’s Day stuff, my husband just provides the wallet. That’s how my family have already done it.

BoredZelda · 20/03/2022 16:01

*always

CounsellorTroi · 20/03/2022 16:03

I’m not sure it’s worth going out anywhere on actual Mothers Day - it will be lime actual Valentines - overcrowded, overpriced and underwhelming food.

BoredZelda · 20/03/2022 16:03

If that's the OP's life she's got more to worry about than how an over- hyped, commercially marketed day is "celebrated"

Indeed. If I had to do all that on the basis I’d have one day where I got a treat, I’d be thinking I had bigger problems. But if that’s all I expected then sure, I should be able to say, can we not go to the same shit old place we always go to.

TheChurchOfEli · 20/03/2022 16:05

She isn't his mother and she isn't the mother of his children
Ignoring how depressingly low standards are with the statement, if HE thought this he wouldn’t have offered to take her anywhere, but he has. Somewhere HE wants to go, and he can’t be arse / is too tight to go anywhere else or bother making more of an effort than rolling down to his local boozer.

Mouldyfeet · 20/03/2022 16:08

I can’t really see the appeal of being with this selfish man child tbh. Leave him with the kids and go out by yourself

OfstedOffred · 20/03/2022 16:10

OP where did you take him on Father's Day?

averythinline · 20/03/2022 16:18

Don't be a skivvy for anyone...and certainly not someone who doesn't even want to take you to a restaurant for a meal...

There is more to life than the local pub....he might not think so but you don't have to live that .

Got any friends you can go out with instead...
Seriously you only have 1 life why out up with this??
Give yourself a great mother's day present

LightSpeeds · 20/03/2022 16:20

None of this sounds good to me. You sound like a skivvy supporting a guy who can't be arsed to move off the local barstool to treat you to a nice(r) meal on just one day of the year.

Also I'm not sure why you said I can't be bothered and I can cook better food at home. This wasn't really telling him that you wanted to go somewhere better -- so he may not have got a loud and clear message about what you really wanted.

I think you need to tell him again what you want to happen on Sunday and then re-assess the relationship based on what he says.

Benjispruce5 · 20/03/2022 16:21

I don’t get the Mothers Day demands. I’m happy with a cup of tea in bed and a bunch of daffodils.

Benjispruce5 · 20/03/2022 16:21

You’re not his mother!

CharlotteRose90 · 20/03/2022 16:24

Op what does he do for Valentine’s and birthdays etc? Does he take you out then. Sounds like he’s not making a fuss because you don’t have kids together and that’s ok. It should be your child’s father that makes the effort on behalf of your child. Can you not order a take away or get him to cook. Then you and your little one do something fun together.

SoyaChai · 20/03/2022 16:25

She isn't his mother and she isn't the mother of his children

Then perhaps when her DPs kids are at home, she should refuse to cook for them, clean the house, and do anything for them.

That's not how life works in mixed families.

"Not even the OP's husband's child*

I don't see the relevance. You just do these things for your wife if the ex isn't doing it.

My daughter is 12 and sorts Mother’s Day stuff, my husband just provides the wallet. That’s how my family have already done it.

The father of her son isn't even providing the wallet.

Zerrin13 · 20/03/2022 16:26

OP states she does alot for his children. She takes care of all his domestic needs too. She has supported him through his depressive episodes. His fellow pub goers have supported him through his depressive episodes too. He sounds as if everyone is dancing to his tune and he's become too comfortable with it. He doesn't show appreciation for everything OP does for him because he doesn't have too. He needs a dose of reality. Saying a nice meal is too expensive is beyond selfish. I'd be downing tools in a thrice.

WouldBeGood · 20/03/2022 16:27

I think it would be a bit sad to be out for Mother’s Day without your DS tbh. I’m divorced and wouldn’t like it.

I’d be happy with the card from your ds, but your OH does sound like he takes you for granted. You need to start setting boundaries and the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace is great to help with this.

SoyaChai · 20/03/2022 16:30

Maybe it's because there are a few step-partners (not even married usually, just been with and had a child with someone blood-related and the partner is welcomed to the family), and step-grandkids in my family (I mean there are three grandkids not related by blood or marriage in ours and they get treated the same as the others) ... I don't understand the "not even his kid" arguments. It's just so alien to me.

thewhatsit · 20/03/2022 16:30

This is just like all the Valentines Day / Birthday etc posts on Mn.

Mother’s Day is a red herring and I think YABU for him to plan a Mother’s Day that doesn’t even include your child. BUT your life sounds a bit miserable and you deserve odd treats especially if you can afford them. So in general, things should change. If he is unable to help at home and you do have some spare money get a cleaner for one. Take yourself out for the odd nice lunch alone, with a friend or your son…

Malibuismysecrethome · 20/03/2022 16:30

I feel you. It’s because you feel put upon and under appreciated and that the village pub is good enough. Well it’s not. I also think you are fed up with supporting him and feel like you need some support yourself. If he thinks you are digging your heels in so be it.

BeanStew22 · 20/03/2022 16:37

@PoloPrincess

I get what everyone is saying, thank you. I have told him where I'd like to go and he said no because it's too expansive. My opinion is that it's not expensive, it's just one up from the village pub but it has a much better menu. Money isn't an issue for OH so a bit cheesed off. I'm thinking that I'll make my own plans and have lunch on my own as DS will be at his dads all day Sunday.

My DS won't do anything except make a card at school, which is lovely and I treasure. I divorced his dad and he won't make any effort to help DS who is 10.

I'm sat in my greenhouse now wondering what I've done wrong.

I think because I skivvy around for everyone else including OH's kids, that maybe just for that one day I'd get the day off.

Why are you providing childcare to someone who has money to go to the pub himself every other day, but won’t take you out for a meal that he can easily afford?
SpiderinaWingMirror · 20/03/2022 16:38

Agree, just book somewhere you want to go.
In my view, it would be ideal for DH to be thoughtful and instinctively book what I would like.
In reality, me booking where I would like is a whole lot better than him booking what he thinks is right (or is most convenient)

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2022 16:39

Do you know anyone else who you could go out to lunch with? A few other mums, maybe, or your own mum? MIL always used to have a proper "day off" on mother's day and go out for the whole day somewhere with her church mothers' group - they used to get the coach somewhere and have a nice day. I used to think it was a bit odd, the family not spending time together on Mothers' Day but I've done it myself a couple of times and it was lovely! Went with my mum and sister, and did no cooking when I got back!

WanderinWomb · 20/03/2022 16:40

Maybe I'm missing some recent change in the culture. I'm thinking Mothering Sunday is when adults take their mothers out for lunch. Is this a new thing for partners to make a fuss of partners who aren't even mothers to their children? I feel I'm missing something. It is a new Valentine's Day-lite?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/03/2022 16:48

I'm not really a fan of meals out on Valentines Day and Mothers' Day, it's all a bit twee, crowded, overpriced. I'd prefer a fuss made of me on my birthday. What happens on your birthday, OP, does he treat you then?

BeeDavis · 20/03/2022 16:49

I’m clearly missing the reason as to why you think you should be taken out for lunch when you’re not even spending the day with your child????

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