To not want to go to local pub for Mother's Day Lunch?

[PoloPrincess]

My OH frequents the local village pub every other day, tbf it has been a life saver for him, the locals have supported him through tough times for which I'm very grateful for. Yes it's a lovely pub and I visit once a week. Occasionally we'll eat there but its not an eatery and they dish up what I call pensioner portions. The usual lasagne, scampi and all day breakfast are on offer and there's a roast on Sunday, which is ok if I can't be bothered to cook.

OH has asked me twice 1) if I'd like to go to another local pub for a date night which I said no to and I told him that I think I deserve better (it's just the same as my own village pub). He said fine, we won't go then. And 2) he's asked me today if I'd like to go to the village pub for Mother's Day lunch? Again I've said no, the reason I gave him is that I can't be bothered and I can cook better food at home.

AIBU? It's been really tough for us and I think that we're doing alright together. I've supported him through his depression episodes, I do everything at home, I carry and fetch, shopping, cooking, and i've been playing nurse to him since he injured himself quite badly at Christmas. I've recently had a bit of an accident and I've hurt myself quite badly but it doesn't stop me from doing the cooking, housework etc.

I think that I deserve a bit more, a nice restaurant so I can put on a posh frock, heels and enjoy being spoiled. At the moment that is just a dream.

I'm so sorry that I might sound a but mardy and spoilt but it is getting me down.

@PoloPrincess

I get what everyone is saying, thank you. I have told him where I'd like to go and he said no because it's too expansive. My opinion is that it's not expensive, it's just one up from the village pub but it has a much better menu. Money isn't an issue for OH so a bit cheesed off. I'm thinking that I'll make my own plans and have lunch on my own as DS will be at his dads all day Sunday.

My DS won't do anything except make a card at school, which is lovely and I treasure. I divorced his dad and he won't make any effort to help DS who is 10.

I'm sat in my greenhouse now wondering what I've done wrong.

I think because I skivvy around for everyone else including OH's kids, that maybe just for that one day I'd get the day off.

Ah, interesting update. So he's said No to your suggestion, and is being a tightarse, even though you run round working hard for him, his children and your shared life / house despite being injured and knackered and fed up.

Bummer

I'd stop doing so much, tbh.

Bollocks to him. What a selfish tightarse. Did you remind him where you took him for Father’s Day?
I would be seriously cutting right back on doing things to make his life easier.

I think you @PoloPrincess should focus more on how her dh spends 4 days a week in the pub. Does he work? Does he spend time with you? Does he help around the house? Is he seeking help for his alcoholism? Does he even have any redeeming features??

@PonyPatter44

God, there are some twats on this thread.

The OP would like to go out for lunch somewhere nice. The family budget can take the strain, but her partner won't step up. He's tight and thoughtless - its not a good look in a partner.

Sorry, OP, I really don't know how you change someone from being a selfish knob into a thoughtful and caring partner. I think I would ring my best friend and see if she wanted to go for lunch with me instead.

Thank you, I don't know either, OH's good points outweigh the bad luckily.

Does your vision of mother's day involve your children at this dinner?
Can you walk home from the nearest pub? That's always nice to do after a good lunch.

Should it be a very nice lunch or just a good lunch with family?

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe

I think you really need to treat yourself (and maybe a friend) and not hang around for tight arse. Then, I would lay down some very firm boundaries as to what you're prepared to do from now on. The times his DC are there it's his responsibility to get things done and that's for starters. Go out when they're if necessary, like he does. He obviously takes you for a mug and can't even be bothered to take you out for a nice meal. Now's the time for change. Good luck

Yes I don’t think it’s anything to do with Mother’s Day but I think life should change.

It sounds like perhaps the DP is unable to do much around the home - perhaps because of depression or a physical disability? So I think a serious conversation should be had about how it’s unreasonable for everything to be on the OP’s plate and what solutions they have. A cleaner once a week would be the obvious one.

I think the OP is expecting too much from a creature of habit. He obviously doesn’t want to go to a different restaurant. I get it - my ILs for instance are similar and can’t do anything new at all.. but you know what, even if I could get them to it wouldn’t be enjoyable for them or me so why bother? Maybe the Father’s Day the OP planned for him wasn’t remotely enjoyable for the DP at all. The OP should feel free to socialise without her DP. If she doesn’t want to go to a restaurant alone or doesn’t have friends who want to go, just take a day for yourself - go for a long walk, buy a new book, get a massage, take a yoga class or a painting class.. whatever.

Women also I think need to get out of this mindset that one day (Mother’s Day / Valentines / Anniversary) makes up for a year of shit. Your day to day life should be enjoyable (it doesn’t need to mean expensive).

@Hugasauras

Just say 'No, I want to go to X, can you book it please?' Have you tried that?

⬆️ 🤷‍♀️

@mumda
If you read the op’s posts you will see that her son is 10 and will be at his father’s on Mother’s Day.

OP you won't get what you want if you don't say outright. He doesn't get it, and being the typical polite British person and saying nothing is only making you a martyr with nothing to show for it. If he's your husband you should be able to tell him "I expect to be taken to a nice restaurant for Mother's Day. I took you to a nice restaurant for Father's Day, so that's what I expect for Mother's Day. Just so you have enough time to make reservations at a nice restaurant for us."

You don't ask, you don't get. Put on your big woman pants and tell him what you want. Otherwise, you lose all rights to whinge if you won't do anything about it.

I normally a whole thread before posting but I'm so pissed off by page 2 I'm humping right in. The son is 10. She runs around after the OH kids so she IS mothering them and its pretty bloody standard for a partner to organise something on behalf of the kids when they are below about 16. She HAS suggested where she'd like, he's said no as too expensice even though it is only one notch up from the local and they CAN afford it. problem is, if he is only doing it under duress there is no point. Its not being a martyr to expect a bit of acknowledgement and appreciation once a year for what is a largely unsung slog. OP I would take advantge of your DS being away and go out yourself, or with a friend or your mum if she still is here to a really nice place, maybe a posh afternoon tea, with a good book if alone and leave him to get his own dinner and sort his own kids' stuff for the following week. Since your mothering of them isn't worth anything beyond a microwave lasagna 5 mins up the road, he can do it himself.

@PinaColada123456

OP you won't get what you want if you don't say outright. He doesn't get it, and being the typical polite British person and saying nothing is only making you a martyr with nothing to show for it. If he's your husband you should be able to tell him "I expect to be taken to a nice restaurant for Mother's Day. I took you to a nice restaurant for Father's Day, so that's what I expect for Mother's Day. Just so you have enough time to make reservations at a nice restaurant for us."

You don't ask, you don't get. Put on your big woman pants and tell him what you want. Otherwise, you lose all rights to whinge if you won't do anything about it.

She did. She said I want to go to ‘insert name’ and he said no it’s too expensive. She isn’t being polite British, she told him exactly what he wants and he said no.

@Unsureaboutit9 Then if her so-called husband thinks a local restaurant is too 'expensive' for his wife and mother of his children she needs to work out if she wants to stay with an arsehole who doesn't think she is worth anything.

Also she suggested in a vague manner a restaurant, she didn't say 'I WANT to go HERE on Mother's Day.' As I said, if you don't ask - and aren't direct and assertive, you don't get. The OP doesn't even seem to have a strong enough relationship with her husband where she can level with him and explain her hurt, disappointment, and wants. 99.999999999999999999% of relationship problems can be sorted if the partner/s have the ability to be honest and express their hurts and needs. That doesn't happen because people get married to basically strangers that they cannot communicate with. As the OP shows.

[quote PinaColada123456]@Unsureaboutit9 Then if her so-called husband thinks a local restaurant is too 'expensive' for his wife and mother of his children she needs to work out if she wants to stay with an arsehole who doesn't think she is worth anything.

Also she suggested in a vague manner a restaurant, she didn't say 'I WANT to go HERE on Mother's Day.' As I said, if you don't ask - and aren't direct and assertive, you don't get. The OP doesn't even seem to have a strong enough relationship with her husband where she can level with him and explain her hurt, disappointment, and wants. 99.999999999999999999% of relationship problems can be sorted if the partner/s have the ability to be honest and express their hurts and needs. That doesn't happen because people get married to basically strangers that they cannot communicate with. As the OP shows.[/quote]
It's clear from your post you haven't actually read OP's posts.

@PinaColada123456 they're not married, she's not the mother of his children and she's told him where she'd like to go and he said no because it's too expensive.

[quote PinaColada123456]@Unsureaboutit9 Then if her so-called husband thinks a local restaurant is too 'expensive' for his wife and mother of his children she needs to work out if she wants to stay with an arsehole who doesn't think she is worth anything.

Also she suggested in a vague manner a restaurant, she didn't say 'I WANT to go HERE on Mother's Day.' As I said, if you don't ask - and aren't direct and assertive, you don't get. The OP doesn't even seem to have a strong enough relationship with her husband where she can level with him and explain her hurt, disappointment, and wants. 99.999999999999999999% of relationship problems can be sorted if the partner/s have the ability to be honest and express their hurts and needs. That doesn't happen because people get married to basically strangers that they cannot communicate with. As the OP shows.[/quote]
She said… her words here “I have told him where I'd like to go and he said no because it's too expansive.”

Also I’m pretty sure they arnt married. And she’s absolutely not the mother of his children. I recommend properly reading the OPs posts before getting so mad about it.

@Ionlydomassiveones

“SoyaChai No, usually it's the case that if the woman doesn't do everything, it doesn't get done.”

Jeez do people really think and live according to crap like this? Some women only have themselves to blame.

Yes we must absolutely remember that at all times, the woman is always to blame.