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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is an apology enough?

171 replies

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 06:32

I have fucked up majorily

I drunk far to much yesterday and I dont remember alot of it, but I was a shit to my 9 year old son and according to my partner he was very scared

To save any posts no was not spiked, I dont usually drink so I dont have a problem, I dont drink because I am very fucking unpleasent.

But how do I now fix this?

Oh and because someone is going to say it my AIBUU is because I can

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 20/03/2022 18:43

I'm confused. Were you having a go at your partner in front of your son, and your son was scared?

It sounds awful, OP. If that's what happened, it must have been terrifying for your son, to see his mum drunk, angry and aggressive. It is child abuse for a child to witness one parent abusing the other.

I doubt that an apology will be enough. I think you will need to work out a way to make amends, and ensure that nothing like this ever happens again. You need to take full responsibility for that. I would consider family counselling, or counselling for your son alone, as well as trying to get help for yourself.

girlmom21 · 20/03/2022 18:45

There's not much more you can do than apologise, vow for it never to happen again and work on the issues that you can while you're waiting for your therapy.

You were shit. It was shit. Be kind to yourself now and be kinder to DP and DS.

FinnRussell · 20/03/2022 18:55

Go easy on yourself. Everyone fucks up. You have done the right things today. Sounds like alcohol is not your friend but it's a one off, your DC will get past this.

HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 18:58

@beastlyslumber

I'm confused. Were you having a go at your partner in front of your son, and your son was scared?

It sounds awful, OP. If that's what happened, it must have been terrifying for your son, to see his mum drunk, angry and aggressive. It is child abuse for a child to witness one parent abusing the other.

I doubt that an apology will be enough. I think you will need to work out a way to make amends, and ensure that nothing like this ever happens again. You need to take full responsibility for that. I would consider family counselling, or counselling for your son alone, as well as trying to get help for yourself.

Have you read the OPs posts?
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/03/2022 19:02

Honestly OP, things will seem better tomorrow. Talk to your DP tonight and try and figure out whether what you were shouting at him for was valid or whether it was a drunken rant. Obviously being verbally abusive when drunk isn't great but I do think thinking through whether it was building resentment or issues that can be worked through. If it was just a rant and can be resolved by not drinking again then you can say that.

So many children see their parents arguing and whilst no, it isn't great, they aren't all scarred for life. It's one mistake, please be kind to yourself.

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 19:13

Talk to your DP tonight and try and figure out whether what you were shouting at him for was valid or whether it was a drunken rant

I think a couple of things were valid but alot were not (I blamed him for the rising energy prices for example) and it wasn't the right way to go about it anyway, we should have sat down and had a conversation properly.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 20/03/2022 19:17

Yes I've read the OP's posts, @HELLITHURT. What did I miss?

Butchyrestingface · 20/03/2022 19:20

I think a couple of things were valid but alot were not (I blamed him for the rising energy prices for example)

I'm going to hell but I actually LOL'd at that bit. Sorry, OP.

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 19:23

So many children see their parents arguing and whilst no, it isn't great, they aren't all scarred for life. But they weren't arguing, OP was having a go at the DP, at least she's accepting she was irrational re the blaming him for rising energy bills! Confused (unless he's CEO of Shell OP?!)

HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 20:12

@beastlyslumber

Yes I've read the OP's posts, *@HELLITHURT*. What did I miss?
The fact that OP is massively remorseful, the fact that last tone the OP was drunk 10 years ago, the fact t she's admitted she not a nice drunk and can't drink again?

Do you have observation issues or what?

HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 20:20

@hangingonbymyfingernails

Talk to your DP tonight and try and figure out whether what you were shouting at him for was valid or whether it was a drunken rant

I think a couple of things were valid but alot were not (I blamed him for the rising energy prices for example) and it wasn't the right way to go about it anyway, we should have sat down and had a conversation properly.

Ok you were being unreasonable, but blaming him for energy prices had proper made me 😂!
Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 20:29

unless he's CEO of Shell OP

Nop, he is not. I also have no idea what I was trying to blame him for, or whether I just decided it was his fault

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 21/03/2022 07:06

I didn't miss any of that @HELLITHURT. My comment stands: I think it's awful, and an apology won't be enough to fix it. I gather you disagree - that's good. OP needs to hear a range of opinions and work out the best way forward for herself.

HELLITHURT · 21/03/2022 09:19

@beastlyslumber I disagree that you've read and understood the OPs comments. She's already said it's a given she wont be drinking again!

CharSiu · 21/03/2022 10:09

You haven’t said what your is diagnosis for your MH issues. It sounds like it was more than a bit of a mild drunk rant. Which I think many on this thread initially thought was what happened.

Alcohol can induce a temporary psychosis in some people with MH issues, it’s for sure linked to bi polar. Which is why even one drink for some is not a good idea. I’m no expert but in my research in the past MH issues have crossed over a little.

You have apologised, all you can do is discuss. You have said you will never drink again but after so many years of no booze I think getting to the root of why you did something you knew was not a good idea is the best way forward.

I know you said you rely on the NHS for help but do you have access to any sort of support and not just your GP as you will need to wait for a referral. I assume you have been on meds before though now you are not on meds was this all agreed with MH professionals that no meds is ok.

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 21/03/2022 10:59

@CharSiu

You haven’t said what your is diagnosis for your MH issues. It sounds like it was more than a bit of a mild drunk rant. Which I think many on this thread initially thought was what happened.

Alcohol can induce a temporary psychosis in some people with MH issues, it’s for sure linked to bi polar. Which is why even one drink for some is not a good idea. I’m no expert but in my research in the past MH issues have crossed over a little.

You have apologised, all you can do is discuss. You have said you will never drink again but after so many years of no booze I think getting to the root of why you did something you knew was not a good idea is the best way forward.

I know you said you rely on the NHS for help but do you have access to any sort of support and not just your GP as you will need to wait for a referral. I assume you have been on meds before though now you are not on meds was this all agreed with MH professionals that no meds is ok.

I have rapid cycling bipolar, GAD (general anxiety disorder) and OCD has been thrown around, but its not been diagnoised properly.

At the moment, I am waiting for the referals to come through, the no medication was not discussed with professionals

I think it in some ways make it worse that I drank because of this.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 21/03/2022 13:14

[quote HELLITHURT]@beastlyslumber I disagree that you've read and understood the OPs comments. She's already said it's a given she wont be drinking again! [/quote]
Where did I say anything about drinking again? I said she needs to make amends. You seem to be reading a lot more into my comment than I'm actually saying!

Levithian · 21/03/2022 13:30

I have experience of dealing with someone close to me who has rapid cycling bipolar, and who had alcohol issues stemming directly from that condition. I know that you probably know this, but bipolar and alcohol/drugs do not mix well. One feeds of the other- these feelings of post-booze guilt can lead very rapidly to a downward spiral with your bipolar. I hope you're no longer feeling too horrible.

I say this gently, but the reason people reacted to this post in the way they did is because, in your early replies, you sounded very much like someone in denial. That aggression you showed towards posters, that lashing out- it is right out of the denial handbook.
I would try and see a doctor about medicating for the bipolar tbh. That literally saved our whole family.

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 21/03/2022 13:41

@Levithian

I have experience of dealing with someone close to me who has rapid cycling bipolar, and who had alcohol issues stemming directly from that condition. I know that you probably know this, but bipolar and alcohol/drugs do not mix well. One feeds of the other- these feelings of post-booze guilt can lead very rapidly to a downward spiral with your bipolar. I hope you're no longer feeling too horrible.

I say this gently, but the reason people reacted to this post in the way they did is because, in your early replies, you sounded very much like someone in denial. That aggression you showed towards posters, that lashing out- it is right out of the denial handbook.
I would try and see a doctor about medicating for the bipolar tbh. That literally saved our whole family.

I am very much on a downhill spiral with my depression, I am aware of this and today has been very much slowly but surely, I have phoned the doctor to get another appointment today and my partner would like to see me be more proactive towards taking medication, which I have agreed to.

While I am good on making sure I do things like CBT, talking therapy I fall down regularly on taking any medication that is perscribed, normally he has been accepting of this, because I have been proactive in getting other help, but he would like to see if the medication does make a massive difference, which I think is fair enough to be honest.

OP posts:
ShowerOfShite · 21/03/2022 13:50

OP
I'm an alcoholic in recovery, haven't had a drink in over ten years.
If you know that alcohol makes you unpleasant, then it is a problem.
You getting defensive won't help.
My apology to my DC is to never drink, it's an ongoing thing.
Saying sorry means fuck all if you don't follow up.
I hope your son is ok, there's loads of help out there if you want it.

TopCatsTopHat · 21/03/2022 13:56

This conversation you have had with your dp sounds really constructive op. You sound like a really caring partner and mum to me, the self awareness and respect for your family you feel comes through, and I wish you every success in managing the symptoms you have. Keep on going towards getting better, because you have good things worth fighting for and it would be great to have this under control.

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