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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is an apology enough?

171 replies

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 06:32

I have fucked up majorily

I drunk far to much yesterday and I dont remember alot of it, but I was a shit to my 9 year old son and according to my partner he was very scared

To save any posts no was not spiked, I dont usually drink so I dont have a problem, I dont drink because I am very fucking unpleasent.

But how do I now fix this?

Oh and because someone is going to say it my AIBUU is because I can

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 08:16

@hangingonbymyfingernails

Honestly, this will pass. Once in 10 years, remember that

@HELLITHURT

I love this but the important thing is, it should be none in 10 years

I fucked up, I know this but my son was hurt, there is never an excuse for that

@Bunce1 what's aggressive here?

I see someone that is feeling shit that she's messed up?

Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 08:17

Taking a pop at the OP for being ‘aggressive’ in the first 2 responses (not at all since), while being so rude yourself, more hypocritical than helpful.

Slow talking at the Op to ask her partner what happened, and implying she’s just withholding the information when she’s clearly explained that the guy is basically asleep because it’s early on a Sunday and they'll talk later.

milcal · 20/03/2022 08:19

What's happened has happened and as you know it now time to put it right.

I would ask your son what you done and how you acted. Also ask how it made him feel. Talk openly. Then apologise and try to make it up to him today.

It's not nice seeing your parent drunk and however you acted but he will be ok. 💐

PatchworkElmer · 20/03/2022 08:19

Well, first you need to find out what happened. Second, you need to stop drinking entirely IMO.

I might have misunderstood, but are you saying you got so drunk on 3 glasses of wine that you can’t remember what happened?

CrystalCoco · 20/03/2022 08:19

The first thing is to find out from DP what the actual damage is, what was it that you said or did.
Take if from there.
Only when you know what happened will you be able to gauge how much grovelling is required.

AnneShirleysNewDress · 20/03/2022 08:22

You need to apologise. Reassure him this will never happen again and mean it. No more alcohol.

Bunce1 · 20/03/2022 08:23

Lolz

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 08:34

@Sleepeatrepeat

I was coming here to say you are getting quite a hard time *@hangingonbymyfingernails* but actually your attitude on some of your posts is very aggressive and if that is d indicator of your behaviour last night then to answer your question... No, an apology isn't enough.

My dad is an alcoholic. He is sober and to the best of my knowledge hasn't touched a drop in 20 years. However he was and still is an alcoholic.
Like you he is not a funny drunk. He is vicious and vile with his words and on occasions has been violent. I was your son growing up and I can assure you that intentional or not his personality didn't alter because he was drunk. It only exacerbated what was already there. I am sorry that this won't be what you want to read but your posts here already support that notion.

It is good that you are on lists for help but I would suggest speaking to your GP pr local CAB for alcohol support groups. You will be surprised how many people like you are there.

Ypu do have a problem with alcohol. You may not be an alcoholic but you do have a problem.

You knew how it would make you behave and you did it anyway. And then you went back for a 2nd a 3rd and probably more. That inability to self regulate is a problem.

Good luck finding the right help and support but none of it will work til you own it and stop blaming mental health etc. You made a conscious decision. Own that or you will keep making the same mistakes.

My attitude might be aggresive because I understand I have fucked up, I might need a bit of a kicking, but it annoys me when people dont read the actual OP, I am not even talking about the comments I have made just the first post and decide from the first line to give me a kicking.

Having said that your post makes a lot of sense to me, and while I dont think I am a horrible person to my son or my partner and this was out of character for me, I dont know how to self regulate and I always know the problem of its just one and it never fucking is, which is why I dont do it. Why I thought this would be different is beyond me

OP posts:
glittereyelash · 20/03/2022 08:46

Best thing you can do is apologise to your son for frightening him and letting him down. Tell him that grown ups make mistakes too and nobody's perfect. I don't think one isolated incident makes you an alcoholic but this is obviously something you don't want to be repeated. Talk to family or a friend sounds like you have a lot going on and need support. Anyone can mess up so no point beating yourself up about it just focus on building back trust with your son. Best of luck.

Turningpurple · 20/03/2022 08:53

Op, are you on other medication? Especially one that you shouldn't drink with?

AllOfUsAreDead · 20/03/2022 08:55

[quote hangingonbymyfingernails]@AllOfUsAreDead

I am not close to accepting help, I have accepted it and on various waiting lists

I think both myself and my partner thought I was coping, but this is obviously not true. However this is now giving him more stress that he didn't really need[/quote]
But you're not getting help yet, that's my point. You need to actually get help not just be on waiting lists. Speak to your gp on Monday and tell them what happened, ask for help now as it's hurting your son now.

BurntO · 20/03/2022 08:56

@hangingonbymyfingernails I read the post. And now your replies. You need to not drink, at all, unless you want to ruin your relationships with those around you

NativityDreaming · 20/03/2022 08:58

I don’t think an apology is enough, your son deserve to see real change in actions.

It sounds like you are a dry drunk. There behaviours are there just not the drinking. Having watched close family members go through the AA 12 stepI can say the ones who were successful, who made great changes in their lives, are the ones who worked the steps which led to changes behaviour and better relationships. The ones who just stopped drinking remained miserable just without alcohol.

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 09:06

@Turningpurple on no medication at the moment, but its something that is being looked at

@AllOfUsAreDead I get what your point was, but there is only so much I can do with regards to actually getting help within the NHS, I cant afford private so I am very much reliant on the NHS and charities to get help, as for talking to my doctor I am lucky on some days if I get the phone to ring rather than be engaged.

@BurntO so from the OP and the replies you understand it is a one time thing? Which I have majorily fucked up on? Which I am asking for help to try and fix?

@NativityDreamingI have never heard of the term Dry Drunk, I shall google it and see if it applies to me thank you

OP posts:
Sleepeatrepeat · 20/03/2022 09:18

@hangingonbymyfingernails but that is exactly my point. Most people would be remorseful of their behaviour. You have just got angry and aggressive. Like it or not (and I am not trying to be mean just trying to get you to see it from a different angle) that is your core personality. And it will trip over into your interactions with your son and partner. Irrespective of whether you realise it or not.

Not knowing how to self regulate means you have to have zero alcohol, ever. If you cannot just have 1 (and my dad was the same) then you can never have even 1 because you cannot trust yourself that it will be just 1.

Please take this as well meaning because it genuinely is, you need to stop waiting about for the NHS. There are lots of alcohol charities that can help. You need to actively seek them out if you are serious about making a change

ldontWanna · 20/03/2022 09:20

How you fix it now/today with your son it really depends on what you did.
He could be scared because you were acting irrationally and out of control, or you became really depressive,crying ,"I want to end it all" type, or aggressive and belligerent, maybe even abusive. While they all require an apology at least, they will need different kinds of actions and conversations on top.

You are being honest and accepting about the drinking, including the fact that you can't stop at "just one glass". This means no more drinking . You know you don't have the off button.

It sucks that you have so many issues you're juggling atm and help is nowhere near immediate. Sounds like you're desperately trying to just stay afloat . Hang in there. Alcohol is a depressive anyways, it won't help anything, and given your reaction to it it will only add even more plates for you to juggle and feelings of guilt,shame etc. that will just make everything 100 times worse. You said you/medical professionals are looking at medication. Can you get in touch with them for a review/hurry them along?

You need help. And while it doesn't necessarily have to be now,today (because NHS) it needs to be soon.

Piggy666 · 20/03/2022 09:33

You can self refer for CBT online, it may help for now whilst you're waiting

StepAwayFromGoogling · 20/03/2022 09:36

Surely the first thing you need to do is work out what you actually did? Was your DP there? Or has your 9 year old told your DP?

Christmas1988 · 20/03/2022 10:05

Everyone makes mistakes, just own it and don’t drink again, that’s far better than any apology. You are only human and this one bad thing doesn’t define you as a mum. Everyone on this thread has made a huge mistake at some point nobody is perfect.

JohannSebastianBach · 20/03/2022 10:24

Step one- talk to your partner and find out what you said/did.

Step two- apologise to your son and tell him it won't happen again.

Step three- show your son you mean what you say by not drinking again.

I hope you can get some help soon with your MH problems, it's very difficult with services having such long waiting lists. You need to abstain from drinking now but it sounds like you don't drink very often anyway so hopefully that won't be too difficult.

Beautiful3 · 20/03/2022 10:53

I always think that "sorry" doesn't mean anything. I judge by actions. So promising and never actually drinking again, would be far better.

Mellowyellow222 · 20/03/2022 11:15

My mum said some really horrible things to me growing up. She wasn’t drunk but she had an awful temper and flew into rages where she would say things to hurt us as much as possible.

It made me feel unsafe around her - and while deep down I knew she loved me it didn’t always feel like that.

You need to acknowledge what you did was awful and made him feel unsafe. You need to make a big and genuine gesture. I think in this case you say you are deeply ashamed of what you said, you did not mean it all and becomes of how sorry you are you will never have another alcoholic drink during his childhood.

You don’t drink until he is 18.

You work to build back his trust.

You make him understand he is the most important thing

GayANDguilty · 20/03/2022 11:23

Major difference depending on what you said or did
I don’t know how you want people to help you until you know what you’re dealing with

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 11:34

@GayANDguilty

Major difference depending on what you said or did I don’t know how you want people to help you until you know what you’re dealing with
Exactly op has alluded to having 'hurt' her son and this could be so many things!
WonderfulYou · 20/03/2022 11:52

Step one- talk to your partner and find out what you said/did.

Step two- apologise to your son and tell him it won't happen again.

Step three- show your son you mean what you say by not drinking again.

I agree with the above.

You just need to apologise, apologise, apologise.
Explain that alcohol can change a person which is why you don’t drink very much but you didn’t mean anything you said.

Then take him out for the day and give him something good to think about.

I could cry for him.
I got very drunk around my DD once. I acted like a twat but the worse thing i did was tell her how much I fucking love her and how beautiful she is etc.