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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is an apology enough?

171 replies

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 06:32

I have fucked up majorily

I drunk far to much yesterday and I dont remember alot of it, but I was a shit to my 9 year old son and according to my partner he was very scared

To save any posts no was not spiked, I dont usually drink so I dont have a problem, I dont drink because I am very fucking unpleasent.

But how do I now fix this?

Oh and because someone is going to say it my AIBUU is because I can

OP posts:
HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 07:50

@hangingonbymyfingernails

With regards to DP I posted about 6.30 this morning after waking up at about 3am in bed, I do not remember getting back home

DP told me I had been a shit and that we were all home and safe and to go back to sleep and he needed to sleep as he had to get DSS tomorrow

That was the conversation, I have snippets of memory coming back to me, the reason as to why I had a drink is we had dinner out, I had a glass of wine with dinner, then we went to play pool and I had another glass and then a third, I am fairly sure it was the 3rd that tipped me over, but without the 2nd wouldn't have order the third if that makes any sense

OP you've got beer fear! Honestly, this will all feel better tomorrow.

Drink lots of water, it's a lovely day here (hopefully it is where you are), get out with the 9 year old, walk and talk.

No parent is perfect. We are only human and sometimes we fuck up. You were drunk and unpleasant, you could've done a lot worse abs you could be doing it every week.

However, if you've got shit going on, try and sort that out, it came out in drink because you're not really coping.

Name change and come back on here and get some advice on your problems?

Now, as I said, go get some water and drink lots of it!

MarinoRoyale · 20/03/2022 07:51

I had a rock bottom moment a few years back when I had lots going on in my life and a few drinks somehow triggered a huge meltdown. It spurred me on to deal with the stuff I’d been suppressing and there has been no recurrence since.

Be kind to yourself OP, sometimes things have got to get worse before they get better. What matters now is what you do going forward.

Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 07:51

Either way booze is not for me, which is why I dont drink it except you did like 12 hours ago, you can’t say you don’t drink. It’s good you acknowledge you shouldn’t drink but it’s not helpful to tell yourself that you already don’t, you need to make a proper commitment not to do it again. If 3 drinks turns you into this then you shouldn’t have 1. It’s not like you have 20 drinks and binged and caused the escalation that way, 3 drinks did this, so having that first one is what you need to avoid.

AllOfUsAreDead · 20/03/2022 07:51

@hangingonbymyfingernails

I also want to clafiy the point about not having a problem with drinking.

I dont in the sense that I need it but I also do in the case I have it and I am horrible, which is why I dont do it

I dont like the person it turns me into, you can take that as you want if you believe the drunk is the person you really am, in which case I am shit, or it turns you into someone else.

Either way booze is not for me, which is why I dont drink it I reconginise that fact I dont need help with alchol, I clearly need help with something but something has snapped within me, and last night it came out and it has affected my son, which is the last thing I ever fucking waned

Good you're getting close to accepting you do need help. It's not just alcohol though, it's your anger problems, mental health problems, stress etc. All of those were made worse by alcohol last night. You need help for all of it, not just one part. You're a time bomb waiting to explode and did partially last night.
Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:52

@gogohm

All depends on what you actually said/did. If you know you are particularly unpleasant when you drink either avoid completely or stick to 1 glass - if you have promised to to not drink before I can imagine your partner will be really annoyed, grovelling and a pledge never to repeat. Your son will forgive but you will need to prove by staying sober
I have never promised not to drink before because I knew and understood the problem ages ago and I dont think DP has ever seen me drunk. I am trying to think but I honestly think he has seen me had one glass of wine

I am the driver in our household, so when I drive I dont drink

OP posts:
Piggy666 · 20/03/2022 07:53

This time was verbal it could escalate to being physical
Bottom line is you just do not drink. Ever.
It's not rocket science 🤷‍♀️

Isthisit22 · 20/03/2022 07:54

It's good that you're recognising that alcohol is not for you but it's worrying that you say you were like this after 3 glasses of wine? Then you can't remember anything?
Definitely get some counselling to help unravel all this as getting that drunk so easily is strange and then not being able to remember anything at all is concerning.

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 07:55

DP told me I had been a shit and that we were all home and safe and to go back to sleep and he needed to sleep as he had to get DSS tomorrow
Where were you 'out' and how did you get home if you are the usual driver? Was this related to perhaps dangerous behaviour when walking home given that you were all now 'safe'?

Piggy666 · 20/03/2022 07:57

It was the 1st that tipped you over...not the 2nd or 3rd

I hope you and your little one are ok, today is new day Flowers

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:57

@AllOfUsAreDead

I am not close to accepting help, I have accepted it and on various waiting lists

I think both myself and my partner thought I was coping, but this is obviously not true. However this is now giving him more stress that he didn't really need

OP posts:
Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:58

Also not beer fear, I remember that and there was never a child involved

OP posts:
Didydani · 20/03/2022 07:59

@TopCatsTopHat

Oh your poor son. I think I would move this to relationships because you know you're not bu and just need advice on mending damage really. If you were nasty enough to scare your son then his trust in you will be seriously hurt. You need to say sorry and mean it, which imo would include promising (and keeping the promise) not getting drunk again, because at least then you can give him some assurance that your behaviour was alcohol fuelled and without the alcohol in the picture he won't experience that again. Then only time will heal it when he sees you keeping the promise. His experience would have been all the more distressing coming from a deeply trusted parent, everything he thought and knew you were would have been thrown into doubt, you need to talk to him honestly about that... When he's ready. Meanwhile show regret in your actions, gentle care, respect his space, let him go to someone else for reassurance etc. I hope you are able to admit your mistake openly and honestly to him, not get defensive, and take any criticisism like an adult, offer real long term assurances not self flagellation or empty regret as I think that's the only way the repair can start. Good luck, your sons relationship with his mum rests on you getting this right.
This. Plus we don't know what happened or what you said since you haven't explained.
HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 07:59

[quote hangingonbymyfingernails]@AllOfUsAreDead

I am not close to accepting help, I have accepted it and on various waiting lists

I think both myself and my partner thought I was coping, but this is obviously not true. However this is now giving him more stress that he didn't really need[/quote]
Ok, so this incident has brought the issues to the fore? Maybe that's a good thing?

You sound very in need of help and your partner sounds very supportive.

Honestly, this will pass. Once in 10 years, remember that.

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 08:00

@MichelleScarn

DP told me I had been a shit and that we were all home and safe and to go back to sleep and he needed to sleep as he had to get DSS tomorrow Where were you 'out' and how did you get home if you are the usual driver? Was this related to perhaps dangerous behaviour when walking home given that you were all now 'safe'?
Being honest that could have been a part of it, we were walking distant so no driving involved
OP posts:
Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 08:01

@Didydani

How do I explain something to people that I dont remember?

OP posts:
Pegasus25 · 20/03/2022 08:04

Op I am an unpleasant drunk too and as a result I have never drank around my child or at all really. Not even with her in the same house or coming home the next day. If you know you're not the best drunk best not to drink around your child.

Annoyedandirritated · 20/03/2022 08:04

You need your partner to actually tell you what you did, and then you cAn decide how to go about apologising

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 08:05

Honestly, this will pass. Once in 10 years, remember that

@HELLITHURT

I love this but the important thing is, it should be none in 10 years

I fucked up, I know this but my son was hurt, there is never an excuse for that

OP posts:
Didydani · 20/03/2022 08:07

[quote hangingonbymyfingernails]@Didydani

How do I explain something to people that I dont remember?[/quote]
Good point. Sorry. I think you need to speak to your partner to find out what actually happened if you can't remember. Do you remember much at all? I'm guessing not by your reply. Hope you're OK and take it easy today if you're hungover x

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 08:09

l fucked up, I know this but my son was hurt, there is never an excuse for that
Are you meaning emotional hurt or physically hurt? @hangingonbymyfingernails

Bunce1 · 20/03/2022 08:11

Christ you’re so defensive and aggressive!

No one can give you advice on what to say to your child because you will not say what happened. And like a moody teenager you’re just stropping out “I dunno” “can’t remember”

Ask
Your
Partner
What
Happened

And go from there.

I sincerely hope you get the help you need.

HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 08:12

@hangingonbymyfingernails

Honestly, this will pass. Once in 10 years, remember that

@HELLITHURT

I love this but the important thing is, it should be none in 10 years

I fucked up, I know this but my son was hurt, there is never an excuse for that

Of course, but we all fuck up sometimes? You know you've done wrong, beating yourself to death over it won't help you or your son. He will want a hug, an apology, some quality time abs as much as possible his mum to be happy and ok.
Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 08:13

@Bunce1

Christ you’re so defensive and aggressive!

No one can give you advice on what to say to your child because you will not say what happened. And like a moody teenager you’re just stropping out “I dunno” “can’t remember”

Ask
Your
Partner
What
Happened

And go from there.

I sincerely hope you get the help you need.

She posted at 6.30am, it’s not even 8.30 now, they Havnt got up and had breakfast yet, give the woman a chance. Read the posts properly and be less of a hypocrite, coming on and being so rude isn’t helping anyone.
Bunce1 · 20/03/2022 08:14

Hypocrite? Explain?

I have RTFT Confused

Sleepeatrepeat · 20/03/2022 08:16

I was coming here to say you are getting quite a hard time @hangingonbymyfingernails but actually your attitude on some of your posts is very aggressive and if that is d indicator of your behaviour last night then to answer your question... No, an apology isn't enough.

My dad is an alcoholic. He is sober and to the best of my knowledge hasn't touched a drop in 20 years. However he was and still is an alcoholic.
Like you he is not a funny drunk. He is vicious and vile with his words and on occasions has been violent. I was your son growing up and I can assure you that intentional or not his personality didn't alter because he was drunk. It only exacerbated what was already there. I am sorry that this won't be what you want to read but your posts here already support that notion.

It is good that you are on lists for help but I would suggest speaking to your GP pr local CAB for alcohol support groups. You will be surprised how many people like you are there.

Ypu do have a problem with alcohol. You may not be an alcoholic but you do have a problem.

You knew how it would make you behave and you did it anyway. And then you went back for a 2nd a 3rd and probably more. That inability to self regulate is a problem.

Good luck finding the right help and support but none of it will work til you own it and stop blaming mental health etc. You made a conscious decision. Own that or you will keep making the same mistakes.