Is an apology enough?

[hangingonbymyfingernails]

I have fucked up majorily

I drunk far to much yesterday and I dont remember alot of it, but I was a shit to my 9 year old son and according to my partner he was very scared

To save any posts no was not spiked, I dont usually drink so I dont have a problem, I dont drink because I am very fucking unpleasent.

But how do I now fix this?

Oh and because someone is going to say it my AIBUU is because I can

@Partyatnumber10

I dont want to quote your whole post but this bit
"By the way though, remember alcohol only reduces inhibitions it doesn't change personality completely so if you are "fucking unpleasant" to your 9 year old child when drunk then it's highly likely that you have some big feelings that you are suppressing most of the time, it may be helpful to get some support in dealing with these"

There is a lot of shit happening at the moment in my life so I am angry alot, sober I deal with it or I certainly thought I was dealing with it

The one that said I needed to stop drinking, when in the OP I pointed out it was not a regular thing?

It needs to be a never thing.

My DH was a twat when he was drunk and it was unpleasant and slightly scary. That was 14 years ago and he’s never drunk since.

It’s not acceptable to be “very fucking unpleasant” more than once. You know what drink does to you.

An apology isn’t enough. You need to protect your child from your “very fucking unpleasant” behaviour.

And if you don’t then your partner should.

It's hard to say really. The truth is that these incidents do affect children deeply and they carry it with them, no matter what you do.
An apology is definitely needed. An explanation is needed. He needs an assurance it will never happen again. Don't try to overcompensate with treats and grand gestures. And above all, make sure it doesn't happen again.
I don't know what help you're getting for mental health, but you need to step that up. Is your partner supportive?
Sometimes something like this is a massive wake up call to sort yourself out and find coping strategies instead of spiralling.
So no, an apology isn't enough. Your actions from now on are what will limit the damage.

The advice upthread about moving this to relationships is good. AIBU is known for its forthright comments and you are already getting defensive. The Relationships board is much more solutions driven. As a PP said, you need to mend your relationship with your son, not enter into combat on AIBU. To answer the original question, no, an apology is not enough.

Really depends.

My mum had some mental health issues and said some fairly awful things. I have probably forgot some. But there's several that stick in my head.

We moved past some of these things. I did forgive her but I didn't forget. She died a few months ago and these things do play on my mind. I understand she was ill and not getting the support she needed. We moved on and had a good relationship.

I think even she had apologised for those specific incidents, they would have still impacted who I am and still play on my mind.

An apology should happen. The behaviours shouldn't happen again, but that doesn't mean he will forget.

I just can't understand, knowing you are awful when you drink why you would amd why you would do it around your child. You say you don't have a problem, but I don't get why you had to do this.

@empireemmy

That was a twatty reply! Esp as you already knew you're unpleasant when you drink and you drank this time. So 'you need to stop drinking' and I'll add EVER AGAIN, was a perfectly reasonable response.

This. You need to stop drinking completely, no more ever again. You scared your son, is that not reason enough? You need to get help, you need counselling for your anger, your drinking, your mental health problems etc.

Your child is 9 and is old enough to be sat down with and explain that you know your behaviour scared him and that you are sorry. Explain that you were not your usual self and he shouldn't see that again.

There is nothing more you can do other than reassure him and be true to your word. Please do try and get support it sounds like you are going through a hard time and may have hit breaking point if your drinking knowing it makes you unpleasant. I hope things don't go too bad with your DP and you are able to chat things out.

The problem now is the more I keep saying I dont have a problem, the more people are going to think I do

I happened to be one of those people who are just not a happy go lucky person when they drink, it make me depressive and angry, I know this which is why I dont drink.

Apart from last night, I am not sure what triggered it and to be honest fuck all has changed in the last 10 years since it last happened, I am not a pleasent lets party drunk

You need professional help not a mumsnet thread. We can’t tell what you’ve done but if it is as bad as it seems and affects a 9yr old then yes, you need to never drink again. Being fucking awful to a kid is never fine, regardless of how infrequently it happens (and especially where it seems that you basically knew it was likely). Get some support from family and friends in the short term, in the longer term see your GP, be honest about what’s happened (take your partner) and get the various referrals.

@olympicsrock

Whether it’s regular or not, if you are fucking unpleasant when drunk you can NEVER drink. Previous poster was right. You do need to stop drinking.

This. Even if you drink twice a year, it's twice too much if you turn into an unpleasant asshole with alcohol.

Why aren't you telling us what you actually said/did?

If your child tells school this will become a safeguarding issue.

Did neighbours hear you?

@hangingonbymyfingernails

The problem now is the more I keep saying I dont have a problem, the more people are going to think I do

I happened to be one of those people who are just not a happy go lucky person when they drink, it make me depressive and angry, I know this which is why I dont drink.

Apart from last night, I am not sure what triggered it and to be honest fuck all has changed in the last 10 years since it last happened, I am not a pleasent lets party drunk

You do have a problem though.

You might not have an every day problem, but you have a drink problem.

You know what you are like with alcohol yet chose to get drunk around your child and have been horrible to them. That’s a problem. It’s a drink problem.

@hangingonbymyfingernails

The problem now is the more I keep saying I dont have a problem, the more people are going to think I do

I happened to be one of those people who are just not a happy go lucky person when they drink, it make me depressive and angry, I know this which is why I dont drink.

Apart from last night, I am not sure what triggered it and to be honest fuck all has changed in the last 10 years since it last happened, I am not a pleasent lets party drunk

You DO have a drink problem, this is quite clear. You arnt an alcoholic but your drink problem is that it makes you horrible and aggressive, that’s a problem with drink. I think it’s very important to realise that. Why were you so drunk around your child anyway?

An apology and not drinking again is all you can offer really. Hard to say more without knowing what you said.

@ChiswickFlo

Why aren't you telling us what you actually said/did?

If your child tells school this will become a safeguarding issue.

Did neighbours hear you?

To be fair she very clearly says she doesn’t remember and her partner hasn’t told her yet.

Apart from last night, I am not sure what triggered it and to be honest fuck all has changed in the last 10 years since it last happened, I am not a pleasent lets party drunk

Wether you 'technically' have an issue or not really isn't the point.

Despite not drinking for years, you decided that last night you were going to. You knew it wasn't a good idea but did anyway. That's what you need to figure out. Why, you knowing the probable outcome (you being awful to your partner or child) you started drinking anyway.

The day of a hangover is not a great time to deal with anything. I think you need to tell your son that you are truly sorry. That you are dealing with a lot of feelings/stress/whatever, that it doesn’t excuse what you said, you love him and it won’t happen again. Explain you are feeling unwell today because of the hangover and ask your partner to take him out so you can sleep a bit. Then have another chat tomorrow when you’re feeling physically better and ask him if there’s anything he wants to say or ask you about the incident. Repeat you are sorry, you love him and it won’t happen again. I think it’s important to say these things a) now, straight away and b) when you’re head is straight and the hangover is gone

I understand your predicament. Sounds like you're struggling, you used alcohol as your outlet.. sometimes when stressed/and not dealing mentally it feels like a really good idea to get trolleys because it makes you feel better, but sometimes all that ugliness you're feeling comes out to those around you.

I get it.

My Dad was similar when I was a child (difference being he had a drinking problem so it became common place for him to get drunk and all his demons would come out, leaving me shit scared)

It reads like you've done this once. It's not great, but it's happened.

In your shoes, a sit down with your child is a good idea, explain that alcohol makes you not yourself you're really, really sorry for what happened, that you are ashamed and you will not drink around them again.
If you want to drink, take yourself off where you will not be around him, or send him to grandparents. You aren't a drinker really so its not like you're going to be sending your DS every weekend.

Now onto you, the stress you're under, is there znything that can be done to lessen it? Do you have support in dealing with your stressful situation?
Is your poor mental health being monitored? Do you need more support in that area?
I'm concerned that you aren't getting support that you really need, if you don't drink because of how it makes your behaviour come out, but you felt that you needed to as an outlet for how you're feeling.

I'm not minimising you scaring your child because you were drunk, it was wrong, but this looks like a massive sign that you need some form of support at the moment

I hope you're feeling better soon.

[quote hangingonbymyfingernails]@Partyatnumber10

I dont want to quote your whole post but this bit
"By the way though, remember alcohol only reduces inhibitions it doesn't change personality completely so if you are "fucking unpleasant" to your 9 year old child when drunk then it's highly likely that you have some big feelings that you are suppressing most of the time, it may be helpful to get some support in dealing with these"

There is a lot of shit happening at the moment in my life so I am angry alot, sober I deal with it or I certainly thought I was dealing with it[/quote]
Kindly, that is partyatnumber10's point.

This incident is showing (whether you already knew or not) that you need some extra support or steps to take to get yourself to a better place. Obviously we don't know what you've got going on but anything you can do to improve things to reduce the risk of this happening again will be good for you and your family. You want to be able to feel proud of yourself and not ashamed of how you've treated your son and your family don't want to see that side of you again. So if this incident acts as a catalyst for seeking any help you can get that's a win for you all and something positive you can point to, to show your son that you are taking steps to protect him from that.

What exactly did you do to your child?
Was you verbally abusing them?
Aggressive?
Violence?
It does not matter how little you drink.
Or why you drank.
If you turn into a abusive arsehole when you have been drinking.then you can't drink . Ever!

*your head

You seem to be just as unpleasant without alcohol as you are with it, going by the replies you're sending. If you don't want people's opinions, then don't post on a public forum ffs. Did you think everyone would come bounding in, telling you it's acceptable to behave like that to your nine year old?

OP why offend other people when the person aka you is passing on your negative mh issues to those that presumably love you. So far anyway.
You'll lose them.

Just for some balance here - when you say you don’t remember much, do you have any snippets?

You only know you were awful because your DP told you so - what’s your relationship like with him? Is he someone who is honest and you trust or is he someone who would lie or exaggerate to make you feel bad.

To answer your question about an apology - it really is impossible to know without actually knowing what you did but it’s certainly a good place to start.

This happened to me once. Unwittingly got absolutely shitfaced, came home and was vile to my dh and ds. Ds was upset. I felt awful the next day. He was a similar age to your son. I apologised of course and promised him he would never see mum like that again and I have stuck to this promise. It happened over a year ago and ds has never seen me drunk since and never will. That's not to say I haven't drunk alcohol since then but it hasn't been around him or if it has I have stopped at one.

You can't take back what you did yesterday so no point beating yourself up over it, all you can do it make sure it never happens again.

@hangingonbymyfingernails

The problem now is the more I keep saying I dont have a problem, the more people are going to think I do

I happened to be one of those people who are just not a happy go lucky person when they drink, it make me depressive and angry, I know this which is why I dont drink.

Apart from last night, I am not sure what triggered it and to be honest fuck all has changed in the last 10 years since it last happened, I am not a pleasent lets party drunk

TBH you're still sounding angry, so as someone previously said the problem is there when sober.

Hopefully it's not too bad what you did and you can apologise and move on. The 9 year old probably was scared, he's never seen it before, so lots of reassurance and love, that will help.

I see lots is going on, can you get help with that?