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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is an apology enough?

171 replies

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 06:32

I have fucked up majorily

I drunk far to much yesterday and I dont remember alot of it, but I was a shit to my 9 year old son and according to my partner he was very scared

To save any posts no was not spiked, I dont usually drink so I dont have a problem, I dont drink because I am very fucking unpleasent.

But how do I now fix this?

Oh and because someone is going to say it my AIBUU is because I can

OP posts:
Sub1required · 20/03/2022 12:17

I, like you, very rarely drink but if there's anything I'm struggling with or anything making my anxiety more heightened than normal, I avoid it. I can be the best drunk when life is good but equally bitter, mean and emotional if it's not going great.
It brings to the surface what you are trying to keep in.

It's not good that you've had a drink and been nasty and upset your son but apologise, reassure him that it won't happen again anytime soon (don't promise it will never happen again, be real) use it to teach him that people react differently to alcohol and it's not always fun. It might not be the nicest lesson for him but potentially a valuable one later in life.

I'm sure plenty of us have had a drink or 2 and ordered/poured another thinking it will be fine as we don't feel that drunk, only to actually be shit faced and then the 'fun' begins. I've been guilty of thinking another one (or 3+) won't hurt and said some really inappropriate things, I'm lucky I still have a job. Blush

I'm the daughter of an alcoholic and as I said above, learning a lesson about how alcohol effects people differently prepared me for the reality of drinking when I got older.

tomsellecksloverug · 20/03/2022 12:58

I think the reason you are getting such a hard time OP is that people don't know what you did, there is no context. It could be anything from shouting at the child to losing the plot and acting like a mad woman.
Until you know exactly what has happened, it is hard to gauge the severity of it.

What can you do? Maybe accept drink does not affect you like other people. It is not anything got to do with the frequency of how you drink, in fact years could go by without you drinking but what is important is that when you DO drink, things go south so best case scenario is to become a non drinker forever. Just don't do it, at dinner, at Christmas, at weddings, on birthdays etc...YOU JUST DON'T DRINK. Then there will be zero chance of this ever ever happening again.

As for your son, be honest with him and tell him that wine messes with your brain and makes you not feel like yourself. Tell him you are sorry for what happened and that you can make him a promise now that it will never happen again. And moveon, you can only go from here, from today and remember this feeling you have right now because you will NEVER EVER feel like this again and there is a certain comfort in that.
It will be ok, he may remember it and he may not but if he does he will remember an isolated incident when wine made Mum go a little bit crazy and he will also remember that you never did it again.

You will get over this, it is a huge lesson for everyone in different ways but it will be ok xx

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 16:26

I have had a chat with my partner, we will be talking more later, once DS is asleep, he has reassured me, that I didn't do anything to my son, what I did do was blame everything on him, really had a go and that is what frightened DS because I was so angry at DP and that is something he has never seen.

Myself and my partner have some stuff to work out and tbh I am not sure how that is going to go.

I have apologised to DS for scaring him and had a few cuddles, explained that it wont happen again (I pinky promised)

OP posts:
phishy · 20/03/2022 16:51

You haven’t actually said you won’t drink agin, op.

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 16:52

@phishy

You haven’t actually said you won’t drink agin, op.
TBH I had assumed that was a given

I am not going to drink again.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 20/03/2022 16:59

You don't have to drink alot or often to have a problem with drinking. If you can't remember what happens you need to stop drinking altogether. Might not what you want to hear but that's how it is.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 20/03/2022 17:05

@hangingonbymyfingernails

I also want to clafiy the point about not having a problem with drinking.

I dont in the sense that I need it but I also do in the case I have it and I am horrible, which is why I dont do it

I dont like the person it turns me into, you can take that as you want if you believe the drunk is the person you really am, in which case I am shit, or it turns you into someone else.

Either way booze is not for me, which is why I dont drink it I reconginise that fact I dont need help with alchol, I clearly need help with something but something has snapped within me, and last night it came out and it has affected my son, which is the last thing I ever fucking waned

But what you describe is a problem with drinking.

You need to promise your 6 year old that you won’t drink again. You can’t take back what you’ve said or done you can only change your future behaviour.

anne2650 · 20/03/2022 17:12

We've all made mistakes. I think the only thing you can do is apologise and try to explain to your son that you didn't mean it (whatever it was) and that you are having a bit of a tough time at the moment. Spend some quality time with him and don't be too hard on yourself.

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 17:17

So you weren't a 'shit to your son and hurt him'?

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/03/2022 17:51

Hang on, so your DP has let you think all day that you were horrid to your child when you weren't? That doesn't sound great, I would be so upset.

Imtryingveryhard · 20/03/2022 17:52

I really hope you can work through what was said, although I suspect you meant what it was that upset your son. You must be feeling so angry with yourself, as well as trying to fill in gaps as to what actually happened. Your son is your main priority. You’ve not told us what you said, but you’ve said enough to show everything isn’t happy in your household. Talk through it and make whatever tough decisions you need to. Good luck!

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 17:57

@MichelleScarn

So you weren't a 'shit to your son and hurt him'?
I scared him,
OP posts:
Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 17:58

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

Hang on, so your DP has let you think all day that you were horrid to your child when you weren't? That doesn't sound great, I would be so upset.
No, we talked first thing this morning, when he woke up
OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 18:06

Sorry op, but it does sound what you're now saying more like a still unacceptable drunken rant at your dp, whereas I (and am sure others) from your initial posts had the impression you were aggressive, off the rails and putting everyone at risk. Especially from the part where dp said 'you were all safe now at home' and you agreed this may have been due to dangerous behaviour whilst walking home?

Sally872 · 20/03/2022 18:07

Apologising and assuring son this won't happen again is correct thing to do. Might take him a little while to be sure this won't happen again but if it hasn't happened before (in front of son) and doesn't happen again then don't be too hard on yourself. Son will be fine.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 20/03/2022 18:09

OP you have said your son has never seen you angry at DP? Do keep a lot in and forgive a lot usually? The only reason is that I have the patience of a Saint but resentment can build very very slowly and easy to explode if not talked through? What is your DP like? Is he supportive? Does he shout and scream ever?

Turningpurple · 20/03/2022 18:09

Op said in one if her posts

DP told me I had been a shit and that we were all home and safe and to go back to sleep and he needed to sleep as he had to get DSS tomorrow

Not that she had been a shit directly to her son. And it was a converstaiom that happened whilst op probably wasn't entirely sober at 3am.

Seems like op is the one who used the words about hurting her son.

It amazes me how people will still try and blame the dp when he had to deal with op being drunk and awful to him and their upset child. It's his fault for not explaining in its entirety at 3am. For nor getting up and giving op an exact account at 7.30am. His fault that op has felt bad all day.

Pretty sure no one tells women who post Sunday morning because their husbands have been drunk and caused upset to them and their kids, that they hold some of the blame for not talking it out at 3am. Or her responsibility to make sure he knows the detail of how he upset the child.

BBCONEANDTWO · 20/03/2022 18:11

What exactly did you do - unless you know for sure you can't really apologise. My ex told me after a night out I'd been a pure bitch and I was ill with worry - I asked some friends who were there and they said he'd been the dickhead not me. You need to know for sure what happened.

HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 18:19

@BBCONEANDTWO

What exactly did you do - unless you know for sure you can't really apologise. My ex told me after a night out I'd been a pure bitch and I was ill with worry - I asked some friends who were there and they said he'd been the dickhead not me. You need to know for sure what happened.
Use the filter button abs read the OPs posts?
HELLITHURT · 20/03/2022 18:20

@Turningpurple

Op said in one if her posts

DP told me I had been a shit and that we were all home and safe and to go back to sleep and he needed to sleep as he had to get DSS tomorrow

Not that she had been a shit directly to her son. And it was a converstaiom that happened whilst op probably wasn't entirely sober at 3am.

Seems like op is the one who used the words about hurting her son.

It amazes me how people will still try and blame the dp when he had to deal with op being drunk and awful to him and their upset child. It's his fault for not explaining in its entirety at 3am. For nor getting up and giving op an exact account at 7.30am. His fault that op has felt bad all day.

Pretty sure no one tells women who post Sunday morning because their husbands have been drunk and caused upset to them and their kids, that they hold some of the blame for not talking it out at 3am. Or her responsibility to make sure he knows the detail of how he upset the child.

You are 109% right! Great post!
Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 18:31

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat

OP you have said your son has never seen you angry at DP? Do keep a lot in and forgive a lot usually? The only reason is that I have the patience of a Saint but resentment can build very very slowly and easy to explode if not talked through? What is your DP like? Is he supportive? Does he shout and scream ever?
DP is very supportive and always has been, normally we talk things out and sort it that way, in times gone by we have very much been a team, but the last two years has taken its toil on us, as I am sure it has on a lot of people and we are on the rocks at the moment.

All of this however does not excuse my behaviour for last night

OP posts:
Electriq · 20/03/2022 18:33

From someone who grew up with an extremely unpleasant drunk, an apology means nothing if you go and drink and do it again, show with your long term actions that you will never ever do this again and your making a start...

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 18:35

@Turningpurple agree!

Original poster
hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 18:37

@MichelleScarn

Sorry op, but it does sound what you're now saying more like a still unacceptable drunken rant at your dp, whereas I (and am sure others) from your initial posts had the impression you were aggressive, off the rails and putting everyone at risk. Especially from the part where dp said 'you were all safe now at home' and you agreed this may have been due to dangerous behaviour whilst walking home?
As I have kept saying, I have little memory of last night, so was unsure what I had done, how my behaviour came out,

As someone else has pointed out, at 3am DP was not in the mood to talk to me, he reasurred me that he had got us all home safely and that we would talk later, I spent 3 hours trying to figure out what I had done, because I feel he was right not to have that conversation with me at that time.

I was aggressive to him verbly and have hurt him alot and we shall sit down and have a proper conversation after DS is in bed this evening to see where we go from here. I have apolgised to them both, DP is quiet rightly very angry at me and it is it going to be his call whether to continue with this relationship, if this was the other way round, even as a one off I think alot of people would be telling him to leave now

OP posts:
5128gap · 20/03/2022 18:42

You need to talk to your son to find out from him how he felt. As supportive as you say your DP is, he is seeing this through his own lens. Your son may have been less frightened than he thinks, or feel something else entirely, and you going in with an apology based on a second hand account of his feelings may actually make your son view it as of greater concern. I'd be saying something like 'DP said you didn't feel too happy with me last night, can you talk to me about it?' then take it from there. Answer his questions and apologise where its due. You can only make genuine ammends to someone when you see their perspective.