Page 3 | Is an apology enough?

hangingonbymyfingernails · 2022-03-20T06:32:05+00:00

I have fucked up majorily I drunk far to much yesterday and I dont remember alot of it, but I was a shit to my 9 year old son and according to my partner he was very scared To save any posts no was not spiked, I dont usually drink so I dont have a problem, I dont drink because I am very fucking unpleasent. But how do I now fix this? Oh and because someone is going to say it my AIBUU is because I can

AllOfUsAreDead · 20/03/2022 07:22

@hangingonbymyfingernails

The problem now is the more I keep saying I dont have a problem, the more people are going to think I do

I happened to be one of those people who are just not a happy go lucky person when they drink, it make me depressive and angry, I know this which is why I dont drink.

Apart from last night, I am not sure what triggered it and to be honest fuck all has changed in the last 10 years since it last happened, I am not a pleasent lets party drunk

You're in denial. Keep doing that if you want, but it won't help your problems. They'll just get worse. You need professional help. If you're not ready to accept that fine but you'll just slowly ruin your relationship with your son. He should be your reason to get help.

maddening · 20/03/2022 07:23

Was your dp there with you and ds? Was yhe drinking part of a meal initially? How did dp.manage the situation at the time?

I think you need your dp to help mend this,.they need to help you understand what happened and what your dc witnessed and to help reassure ds and for you to know what you are apologising for.

ineedsun · 20/03/2022 07:25

‘ If you want to drink, take yourself off where you will not be around him, or send him to grandparents. You aren't a drinker really so its not like you're going to be sending your DS every weekend.’

Faevern · 20/03/2022 07:25

Have you remembered what happened or have you been told now? I would say your every day issues with managing anger will be affecting your son more than you realise.

How many years is it since you had a drink? Are you receiving help for your anger issues and whatever causes it? An apology will only be enough if you follow it up with positive action.

maddening · 20/03/2022 07:25

Did dp look to remove themselves and ds from the situation? If it had been me I probably would have taken ds off to a relatives for the night or a hotel.

00deed1988 · 20/03/2022 07:25

So, I did this 2 years ago.

I was a problem drinker. I wouldn't drink daily or anything, maybe twice monthly but once I started I would spiral and binge. I would tend to do this when my kids were at my in laws so they didn't see it bit during covid obviously they didn't go.

Last May I was did this to my then 8 yo. I don't remember what I said exactly, but I know it wasn't good and he was very upset. The next day I sought help but was told I don't drink enough for help. I apologised to him. Lots of cuddles, lots of crying from both of us and I promised I would never drink a drop again with or without him there and 2 years later I haven't and I never will. I don't crave it and I don't miss it. It made me a horrible person.

I was a child of an alcoholic and even though she stopped when I was 11 I still vividly remember it all and causes me trauma 20+ years later. I think you need to evaluate why you did what you did. It doesn't matter what you said or why you said it but that you don't do it again. It might take a while for the trust to build up again. You will feel sick to your stomach about how you behaved, I know I still do now 2 years on. But talk to him. Get him to tell you how he feels and try and repair it. Talk to your partner too. He will probably take a while to build up trust with you again. My husband supported me and we got through it and are happier now than we ever were.

MichelleScarn · 20/03/2022 07:25

@ApertureGLaDOS

Just for some balance here - when you say you don’t remember much, do you have any snippets?

You only know you were awful because your DP told you so - what’s your relationship like with him? Is he someone who is honest and you trust or is he someone who would lie or exaggerate to make you feel bad.

To answer your question about an apology - it really is impossible to know without actually knowing what you did but it’s certainly a good place to start.

Oh come on, op has already said she knows like she is like this when drunk, let's not go down the "deviate the responsibility to the partner who may be making it all up" route. Clearly her 9yos behaviour today will be enough evidence or is he in on it too?!

Original poster

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:26

@ChiswickFlo

Why aren't you telling us what you actually said/did?

If your child tells school this will become a safeguarding issue.

Did neighbours hear you?

And again because I dont remember

OP posts:

CatsandDogs22 · 20/03/2022 07:27

Ok aside from the ridiculous I don’t have a problem argument” (you do and you know it, whatever you want to call it).

How to fix this? Listen to them when they tell you what you did. Apologise properly, no excuses. Then tell him what you are going to do to make sure it never ever happens again. And then you follow through and show him you are doing so. Therapy for you, therapy as a family - never ever ever drinking again. I’m sure you can think of a few more actions you can take. And then maybe you can get past this. Though I suppose it depends on what it is you’ve actually done

jelly79 · 20/03/2022 07:27

With this information the only advice would be to profusely apologise and commit to not drinking. I get you don't drink regular but if one time can lead to this then you shouldn't drink at all.

Your future actions will be the deciding factor for your DH i image

You will also be feeling dreadful after this so be kind to yourself x

Cocogreen · 20/03/2022 07:28

Yes you need to apologise.
You also need to not drink alcohol if you're nasty when you've had too much.
If you're under stress and have MH issues alcohol is the last thing you need.

BogRollBOGOF · 20/03/2022 07:28

Think of it like a food intolerance. If you consume it, there are unpleasant side effects. The way to avoid it is to abstain.

You need to find healthier outlets for the stress. Councelling, physically letting it out through sport. The consequences of using alcohol, no matter how rarely are not worth it.

The appologies need to be accompanied by learning and changing the way you cope. That's what changes an appology from empty words to genuine contrition.

Bearsinmotion · 20/03/2022 07:29

You need to talk to your partner to find out what you said/did and what your partner did to protect your son as the first step. Then at least you can work out if an apology is enough for your son, and your partner. When my kids dad was fucking unpleasant to my children (he has severe MH issues) it was time for him to leave.

You know you need to take steps to make sure this never happens again, but you can’t apologise properly until you know what you did and you can reassure your son that it will never happen again. And if you can’t, your partner needs to have a plan for protecting your son.

Girlmumdogmumboymum · 20/03/2022 07:30

[quote ineedsun]‘ If you want to drink, take yourself off where you will not be around him, or send him to grandparents. You aren't a drinker really so its not like you're going to be sending your DS every weekend.’

Sorehandsandfeet · 20/03/2022 07:31

I'm thinking that it's unfair of your partner not to have told you what it was exactly that you said/did. You are feeling his anger but without the facts. There may be beer fear and self loathing that comes with that. Yes, it's not nice to be drunk on front of your child and you may have said some bad things but without knowing what those things were it is hard to gauge the extent of the problem. Be kind to yourself today, find out what happened and cuddle your child.

Original poster

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:31

@ApertureGLaDOS

Just for some balance here - when you say you don’t remember much, do you have any snippets?

You only know you were awful because your DP told you so - what’s your relationship like with him? Is he someone who is honest and you trust or is he someone who would lie or exaggerate to make you feel bad.

To answer your question about an apology - it really is impossible to know without actually knowing what you did but it’s certainly a good place to start.

DP is good

But fuck me, this is on me, nothing to do with him

OP posts:

ApertureGLaDOS · 20/03/2022 07:33

Oh come on, op has already said she knows like she is like this when drunk, let's not go down the "deviate the responsibility to the partner who may be making it all up" route. Clearly her 9yos behaviour today will be enough evidence or is he in on it too?!

Yes, clearly her 9 year old’s behaviour will be clear but at this stage OP doesn’t know what she’s done and hasn’t, it would seem, spoken to her 9 year old either. So there is quite literally impossible to say without knowing anything about what happened.

I’d say it’s more likely she did say or do something inappropriate but her DP still isn’t saying what she did which strikes me as odd.

Unsureaboutit9 · 20/03/2022 07:37

@ApertureGLaDOS

Oh come on, op has already said she knows like she is like this when drunk, let's not go down the "deviate the responsibility to the partner who may be making it all up" route. Clearly her 9yos behaviour today will be enough evidence or is he in on it too?!

Yes, clearly her 9 year old’s behaviour will be clear but at this stage OP doesn’t know what she’s done and hasn’t, it would seem, spoken to her 9 year old either. So there is quite literally impossible to say without knowing anything about what happened.

I’d say it’s more likely she did say or do something inappropriate but her DP still isn’t saying what she did which strikes me as odd.

You no it’s only 7.30am on a Sunday right? How is it odd that they Havnt all got out of bed yet and had it out? OP wouldn’t have been sober enough when going to bed last night would she. Implying it’s the DP that’s the problem is just daft.

ineedsun · 20/03/2022 07:37

@Girlmumdogmumboymum

I agree with the sentiment of your post and I’m sorry about what happened to you but for OP to continue drinking, but in private, when she knows it’s not good for her is terrible advice and likely to make the issue worse.

She needs to not drink any more at all and get help with whatever else is going on.

Turningpurple · 20/03/2022 07:39

I’d say it’s more likely shedidsay or do something inappropriate but her DP still isn’t saying what she did which strikes me as odd.

Really? I would say at 7.30am on a Sunday morning, I really wouldn't be up for a sit down with someone who had drunkenly been vile to my child the night before, to explain exactly what they did.

Amd quite frankly in his position, not sure I would believe "I don't remember". That would sound like deflecting.

You are putting alot of responsibility on the dp to act in a certain way.

Hesma · 20/03/2022 07:39

Your poor son 😢. You say you don’t have a drink problem but you obviously do have a problem with drink. You need to get help and from the sound of it you need to get help for child. Living with an alcoholic/binge drinking parent is horrendous. You need to stop making excuses and face facts… you’ve got a problem! It may sound harsh but the only person who can sort this is you and you need to think of your DS, get help, get him counselling and start rebuilding bridges. You can do it … if you want to. Good luck OP

Original poster

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:40

With regards to DP I posted about 6.30 this morning after waking up at about 3am in bed, I do not remember getting back home

DP told me I had been a shit and that we were all home and safe and to go back to sleep and he needed to sleep as he had to get DSS tomorrow

That was the conversation, I have snippets of memory coming back to me, the reason as to why I had a drink is we had dinner out, I had a glass of wine with dinner, then we went to play pool and I had another glass and then a third, I am fairly sure it was the 3rd that tipped me over, but without the 2nd wouldn't have order the third if that makes any sense

OP posts:

gogohm · 20/03/2022 07:45

All depends on what you actually said/did. If you know you are particularly unpleasant when you drink either avoid completely or stick to 1 glass - if you have promised to to not drink before I can imagine your partner will be really annoyed, grovelling and a pledge never to repeat. Your son will forgive but you will need to prove by staying sober

Original poster

hangingonbymyfingernails · 20/03/2022 07:47

I also want to clafiy the point about not having a problem with drinking.

I dont in the sense that I need it but I also do in the case I have it and I am horrible, which is why I dont do it

I dont like the person it turns me into, you can take that as you want if you believe the drunk is the person you really am, in which case I am shit, or it turns you into someone else.

Either way booze is not for me, which is why I dont drink it I reconginise that fact I dont need help with alchol, I clearly need help with something but something has snapped within me, and last night it came out and it has affected my son, which is the last thing I ever fucking waned

OP posts:

Walkingalot · 20/03/2022 07:47

This doesn't sound like the usual 'beer fear'. Posters would normally respond with 'I'm sure it's not as bad as you think' etc. Your partner has already told you that your son was really scared and you've already admitted you are 'very fucking unpleasant' when drinking.
Without you having the full facts, no one can really suggest how to deal with today. Apart from the obvious apology, tell him you love him, give him a cuddle etc. An awful lot really depends on what happened though. I'm not minimising but could it be a case that he isn't used to seeing you maybe slurring your words, stumbling around etc? How do you know for sure that whatever it was, was specifically targeted at your son? In any case, this should be the wake up call that you shouldn't drink when your son is at home.