Children expressing emotions AIBU

[Idkiibu]

Me and my friend have different parenting styles. But reflecting back from our yesterday’s conversation with her, I’m trying to understand AIBU towards my own 2 children?
We are talking about children aged 7-10 years old. My friend’s children are sometimes tired after school etc and it comes out the way that I wouldn’t personally accept from my own children, e.g. shouting at parents, kicking things, saying rude staff like “shut up” and slamming the door. My friend talks to her children in a calm way and is trying to “ride it out”. I respect her patience, I really do.
But I don’t accept this with my own. A few times it happened I said to my children firmly that I’m always there for them, they can embrace me and spend time with me, they can tell me everything and we will find the way out of the situation, etc etc. But I don’t deserve to be shouted at and there will be no door slamming at my house, so they have to approach me in a different way and I’ll help them then. I don’t want my children to bottle things up, but am I wrong that at this age they have to learn not to hurt others emotionally even if they are upset? On the other hand, children are only learning about how to express themselves and can’t always control their emotions.
I feel like our approaches are different and that’s fine but am I too strict to my children? It’s not like they are not allowed to be upset or cry, it’s the aggression and shouting I can’t stomach. One day when my friend’s DS (9) was tired after his own party, he said to his mother “shut up, I hate you”. My heart was broken for her and I don’t know how she managed to stay calm. I said nothing and never mentioned it again after she said “it’s been a long day, he’s so tired”.
Our children don’t have SEN and do well at school, no behaviour concerns etc.

You’re asking about your own children but most of your post is about your friend’s children. Can I just check what it is you are asking?

Yanbu. Our children have emotions and are allowed to express them but it's our job to help them navigate and express these emotions without being aggressive towards others

I don't think you are wrong. I am an emotional support assistant and I think it is really good when children can explore their feelings in a safe way, however kicking things and slamming doors etc. Is not ok.
Can you imagine an adult being tired and the only way they know how to express it is by shouting, kicking things and slamming doors? It really doesn't work.
Children need support to manage their emotions in an appropriate way, not by getting violent.

@Duracellbunnywannabe
I’m asking if I’m too strict too my children and how other people react in this kind of situations. Sorry I’m not very articulate or clear, writing is not my thing.

I went with her approach. It never broke my heart when my eldest said that she hated me, she was the only out if three that did. My middle one got hangry and so does my eldest GC. I never had door slamming. I don't see much difference between the relationship that I have with mine and people who were stricter have with their, now adult parents. My children are successful and decent people. I parented to suit my personality. I don't think that a lot of this stuff is that important tbh. My eldest is nearly 36 and I've seen three decades of children grow up.

So I'm confused. Did you say you are calm with your children? Do your children just express their emotions differently.

How does the conversation go when your child shouts at you or expresses anger and slams a door. Do you shout and dish out punishment? Or does your child just not do that? I'm picturing this sort of scenario :

Child: I hate this/you/all so dumb
Adult : I won't tolerate you taking like that
Child : well I still hate it

How does it go on?

@Duracellbunnywannabe

You’re asking about your own children but most of your post is about your friend’s children. Can I just check what it is you are asking?

OP is asking for confirmation that she's a better mum than her friend.

Personally I don't care about what my children say, but I do care about how they feel.

Responding to that comment though would with a lot of children just inflame things more. Yes it’s the wrong way to deal with the emotions but when your mid dealing with the emotions isn’t the time to start encouraging otherwise.

I would always let them calm down and then calmly discuss things later

@NoKnit
My child also 9 never said he hated me but he tried to slam doors and shouting aggressively when he was upset because of something I didn’t know. Talk about coming back from school in a foul mode. I didn’t turn “crazy”, but I opened the door and said in a cross voice that whatever happened to him I won’t tolerate any shouting or slamming doors because it makes me feel very bad and scared. I said he needs to apologise first and then we’ll talk and together will solve the problem, he can cool down in his room until then. I said I’m his mother and want the best but he needs to choose the way he behaves towards me. It turned out there was a problem at school related to one boy from his class, not major, but I dealt with it and organised a few play dates with the friends he liked etc. Aggressive behaviour triggers me and I’m concerned about normalising it.

@Gizacluethen
There’s no thread on MN without people like you. You’re welcome here though!

I wouldn't put up with that behaviour from my children tired or not. No excuse for it and I'd bollock them.

@Ponoka7
How did you react to your DD saying she hates you and what was the age it stopped? Did you apply any consequences afterwards? Thanks.

@LunaLoveFood
Is it wrong though to apply consequences if the child behaved that way? Let’s say my child behaved this way towards me, but we managed to calm down and solve the issue but I still say unfortunately there will have to be a consequence, like no TV for a couple of days. I think I mostly treat the situation as though behaviour is a choice, but am I wrong to think that children choose to express themselves in a certain way. I know it’s probably too generalised of a question, and everyone’s different

You just have different parenting styles - the same as you have different personalities as do your children
My DC are grown up now but I was of the firm but fair camp - I would not have tolerated door slamming or verbal abuse even from teenagers
We are all quite laid back though and they weren’t as bad at pushing boundaries as some

I agree with you. We need to guide our children to express their emotions in an acceptable way. The sort of behaviour you describe - shouting, slamming doors, hitting, cruel words - would be abuse if perpetrated by an adult so I don't think it's an acceptable expression of emotion from a child either, even if more excusable.

I definitely wouldn’t put up with that behaviour either. I would take your approach every time. Sometimes kids need a firm talking to and boundaries. They have to understand some behavior is not acceptable, and it will be that way all their life so they have to learn early.

YANBU

Child: I hate this/you/all so dumb
Adult : I won't tolerate you taking like that
Child : well I still hate it How does it go on?

"I can see you are angry / mad / frustrated / disappointed and that's ok, we all feel like this some times. I love you very much but you cannot talk to me / you sibling/ dad/ dog / cat in this way, that's unacceptable, we don't do that in our family."

^said in a pretty firm and stern voice to shut the drama down / up.

Once they pause with their drama you go in as good cop:
"I know this has been a challenging day / week/ event / it's really hard, I understand. Remember, I love you very much, tell me more about what is annoying you so much, I promise I will listen and if it's something I can help with or change I promise I will think about it."

Along these lines.

Some kids pick up aggressive, angry behaviour from TV, especially American programmes have a lot of angry characters in it, it's quite toxic and pathetic actually. We don't let them watch that shit until they are a bit older.

Of course children need to and should be able to express emotions but aggressive behaviour is not tolerated in our house. I understand that this wouldn't necessarily work when dealing with ODD, Autism, ADHD and so on. But I refuse to be a punch bag form anyone. I respect my kids but they need boundaries.

Some children wont respond as well if they are left to calm down and you discuss it later as they wont recognise it happened, remember it, feel it the same.

Some wont respond if you deal with it in the heat of the moment, it might inflame the situation more.

But aggressive or selfish or self absorbed behaviour isnt acceptable even if justified by it being the person (adult or child) expressing themselves or 'being them'. Children need help with how to express something without it impacting negatively on others.

You seem very smug at how controlled you are. Congratulations.

@JacksWorld
I actually feel the same way towards some TV programs. I have noticed a noticeable increase in argumentative behaviour between DD and DS after watching some “child friendly” family sitcom where brothers and sisters are always “frenemies” and it’s glorified and “funny”.

"How did you react to your DD saying she hates you and what was the age it stopped? Did you apply any consequences afterwards?"

I'd react to what was causing it, so if tired she'd be put to bed, if hungry, fed etc. We'd talk about it when appropriate. She grew out of it around nine. I think a few days of no television is too long a punishment, one night would be enough. The issue is that if a child is honestly struggling with control then punishment isn't appropriate, it would lower self esteem. I think showing understanding, them feeling like they can trust you and kindness are more important than parenting styles.

@Jadecarrot
I’m sorry, you got me wrong. I’m a very sensitive person who feels the result of any kind of aggression for a long time. My father was the one who freely “expressed” himself in quite an aggressive way and I’m scared of it until this day and I’m mid 30s. I’m not smug, I feel guilty in case I don’t let my children “be themselves” but at the same time I feel like I will never allow anyone to hurt me unnecessarily, children or not iykwim.

First thing that stood out to me is that you’re making your support for them conditional. They have to behave in a particular way before you’ll entertain a conversation with them. You are presuming they are able to control themselves and are choosing to shout so can therefore chose not to.

Your son was angry so slammed a door and shouted. You lost your temper and shouted at him to tell him that shouting is not acceptable.

You absolutely do not have to put up with unacceptable behaviour, but when children are that upset it’s usually because they’ve lost control/feel scared/threatened etc. Refusing to deal with that doesn’t help them deal with their emotions and learn how to cope when they get upset. They’re still emotionally “young” and many adults can’t regulate their emotions. Shutting down their reaction can also make them feel like they’re not being listened to which can lead to frustration and the easiest release for frustration is an angry outburst, like slamming a door.

The worse time to address behaviour like that is when they’re angry. They won’t learn anything and it’s easy to escalate things until you’re both shouting and slamming doors.

He’s also going to be full of hormones so it’s unlikely that he’s going to get to 18 without ever losing his temper or showing that he’s angry. Teaching him that these feelings are totally normal and not something to be frightened of along with calmly giving him acceptable behaviour parameters and coping techniques will allow him to develop the tools he needs to regulate his emotions. Shutting down his reaction and demanding an apology before you help just makes your support conditional.

Good point about television, mine were the playing out generation and what's available now, wasn't then.