Children expressing emotions AIBU

[Idkiibu]

Me and my friend have different parenting styles. But reflecting back from our yesterday’s conversation with her, I’m trying to understand AIBU towards my own 2 children?
We are talking about children aged 7-10 years old. My friend’s children are sometimes tired after school etc and it comes out the way that I wouldn’t personally accept from my own children, e.g. shouting at parents, kicking things, saying rude staff like “shut up” and slamming the door. My friend talks to her children in a calm way and is trying to “ride it out”. I respect her patience, I really do.
But I don’t accept this with my own. A few times it happened I said to my children firmly that I’m always there for them, they can embrace me and spend time with me, they can tell me everything and we will find the way out of the situation, etc etc. But I don’t deserve to be shouted at and there will be no door slamming at my house, so they have to approach me in a different way and I’ll help them then. I don’t want my children to bottle things up, but am I wrong that at this age they have to learn not to hurt others emotionally even if they are upset? On the other hand, children are only learning about how to express themselves and can’t always control their emotions.
I feel like our approaches are different and that’s fine but am I too strict to my children? It’s not like they are not allowed to be upset or cry, it’s the aggression and shouting I can’t stomach. One day when my friend’s DS (9) was tired after his own party, he said to his mother “shut up, I hate you”. My heart was broken for her and I don’t know how she managed to stay calm. I said nothing and never mentioned it again after she said “it’s been a long day, he’s so tired”.
Our children don’t have SEN and do well at school, no behaviour concerns etc.

@ManateeFair

I'd say it depends on age and how you've worked on teaching them appropriate management mechanisms. So if all you've ever done is say "I'm not dealing with you when you're shouting at me, go away until you've calmed down" then I wouldn't be surprised if they were still doing it at 14. If however when they were 2 you were calm in the face of their anger, verbalised it for them and empathised ("you seem like you're really angry you can't have the glass bottle! It's so frustrating when we can't have what we want!") and offered alternatives ("we don't kick doors - let's go in the yard and kick the ball instead") and then scaled that up appropriately as they grew older, then you'd hope to see less unmanageable behaviour and more of the sort of coping strategies you've taught and modelled.

Another thing about anger (in adults and kids I think) is it's only the outburst one sees, not ALL the times it's been swallowed or redirected. I know I've been known to melt down over an objectively tiny thing, because I've been holding in a hundred uspets/worries/annoyances for days without expressing them. With kids this can be post school meltdown, when they've been coping all day (teacher told them off for something, friend didn't want to play with them, etc etc) and then come unravelled all at once. So yes. Not appropriate for me to burst into tears because I dropped a jar on the kitchen floor and it broke but when it's that "one last thing" sometimes I could do with sympathy instead of a lecture

I parent the child I've got. Normally when my eldest child (5.5, adhd) is being a dick they have a big feeling they be can't process or are provoking an argument to avoid dealing with something.

I find that not rising to it and allowing her some space to shout/trash in her room leads to the episodes lessening and getting shorter. She's learned that she has to tidy up after her tantrums and I won't replace things that get broken- natural consequences. If she does a good job of tidying then it gives me a chance to start off on a positive when we talk "thank you for putting your room back together, I guess you were feeling a bit cross? Are you ready to talk yet? I felt sad when you said this this that, is that how you feel or were you just cross?"

If I dig in with threats and punishments and shouting about acceptable behaviour then she will do the same and it is utterly, completely pointless.

@bellac11

I think people seem to be willfully missing the point which is that the expression of anger, distress, confusion or whatever is not the issue, its the directing it at another person, whether that be a sibling or parent (or someone else) that seems to be the issue. And rightly so, empathy is taught by showing empathy but also by helping children understand the way our actions impact on others.

but you can't teach it until they have the base skills to be able to learn it..... its like continence.....until the child is old enough to learn to manage their own bowel and bladder function, then whoever cares for them manages it for them. When its emotional regulation its stuff like not letting a child get too tired or too hungry, being careful about levels of stimulation and so on.

@ufucoffee

I wouldn't put up with that behaviour from my children tired or not. No excuse for it and I'd bollock them.

Same here. I have a friend who patented like the ops friends and her kids now are just awful, vile actually. Even she admits she regrets being too soft and lenient on them. My own dc are much younger and we are firm on bad behaviour.

No ones right to 'show emotion' trumps another person's right to be undeservedly hurt by it. The earlier children are taught this the better, both for them in terms of their ability to sustain relationships and fit into civilised society, and for the society they are part of. Allowing children to speak to you and treat you as they please just because they've had a tiring (but ordinary, untraumatic) day is extremely poor preparation for life and does them no favours.

Having emotions and acting out (ie slamming doors and/or verbally abusing one's mother) are two different things.

Hmm I think I was far too strict on my dc when they were primary aged. I get worried I havent taught them how to regulate their emotions. I've taught them to say sorry even if they don't mean it and keep their ish under control. But then I also think they're both doing well in school, they are polite, they're not self centred and controlling our emotions is a good thing. You can't go to work and be a dick to your boss because they annoyed you, you have to put a fake smile on your face and get on with it.

I do wonder if we keep dc a lot younger then what we previously did. I wouldn't have let my dc have a tantrum at a primary school age, but now with gentle parenting it's ok. I don't know! We cannot get it all right.

I do talk to them about feeling and regulating emotions. But at 15 and 16 I'm not sure how much goes in. They won't do yoga or meditation with me

All these people saying we need to learn to control our emotions as children to fit in.... yet elsewhere on MN all these adults saying no one listened to them or tried to understand how they felt when they were children and now they're really struggling.

Literally never heard an adult say 'my parents listened when I was upset and it ruined my life' (heard plenty say they were not listened to, their feelings didn't count, they were emotionally neglected, they had everything they needed but no emotional support, their parents put their own feelings and need for control first).
I don't think anyone is proposing weak hands off parenting. Just a basic grasp on why children (and people) behave as they do. And understanding.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

All these people saying we need to learn to control our emotions as children to fit in.... yet elsewhere on MN all these adults saying no one listened to them or tried to understand how they felt when they were children and now they're really struggling.

Literally never heard an adult say 'my parents listened when I was upset and it ruined my life' (heard plenty say they were not listened to, their feelings didn't count, they were emotionally neglected, they had everything they needed but no emotional support, their parents put their own feelings and need for control first).
I don't think anyone is proposing weak hands off parenting. Just a basic grasp on why children (and people) behave as they do. And understanding.

Controlling ones emotions and being listened to are not mutually exclusive. In fact my DC were taught that the first facilitates the second. Children should not be silenced, but they need to be taught to communicate effectively. Which is not through violence and abuse of another person.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

All these people saying we need to learn to control our emotions as children to fit in.... yet elsewhere on MN all these adults saying no one listened to them or tried to understand how they felt when they were children and now they're really struggling.

Literally never heard an adult say 'my parents listened when I was upset and it ruined my life' (heard plenty say they were not listened to, their feelings didn't count, they were emotionally neglected, they had everything they needed but no emotional support, their parents put their own feelings and need for control first).
I don't think anyone is proposing weak hands off parenting. Just a basic grasp on why children (and people) behave as they do. And understanding.

You're going from one extreme to the other, I dont think anyone is suggesting that children arent listened to, but that they are shown and supported that you dont use those feelings to lash out at other people or cause violence or aggression

Thats not the same as not listening to what caused the feelings or in fact validating the feelings in the first place.

When someone is listened to they don't usually lash out. The first facilitates the second. A child with their needs being met rarely lashes out.

@Nomoresmoresthensnores

When someone is listened to they don't usually lash out. The first facilitates the second. A child with their needs being met rarely lashes out.

Do you actually know any children?

Some children might lash out because they're told its 10 mins left on the x box, or no you cant have a new phone, or we have to get ready now

It depends on the situation, the age of the child, the day the child's having

There's a difference between teaching emotional regulation and having unrealistic expectations of what is possible. The first allows the parent to adapt to the child's age and needs, the second does not. I still have vivid memories of DD1 who when she was two tended to be really shattered after nursery. This tended to manifest itself as short lived bt intense tantrums at bath time. What worked was for me to sit on the floor nearby and let her rage herself out, speaking calmly, until she was ready to relax and come to me for a cuddle. It was a short stage, lasted a couple of months and wasn't every day, and she outgrew it. It just became part of the routine. A punitive approach would have achieved absolutely nothing. As a parent, you need to read up on what is reasonable to expect and what isn't, and adapt accordingly.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Hmm I think I was far too strict on my dc when they were primary aged. I get worried I havent taught them how to regulate their emotions. I've taught them to say sorry even if they don't mean it and keep their ish under control. But then I also think they're both doing well in school, they are polite, they're not self centred and controlling our emotions is a good thing. You can't go to work and be a dick to your boss because they annoyed you, you have to put a fake smile on your face and get on with it.

I do wonder if we keep dc a lot younger then what we previously did. I wouldn't have let my dc have a tantrum at a primary school age, but now with gentle parenting it's ok. I don't know! We cannot get it all right.

I do talk to them about feeling and regulating emotions. But at 15 and 16 I'm not sure how much goes in. They won't do yoga or meditation with me

Well that's a refreshingly honest post.