Children expressing emotions AIBU

[Idkiibu]

Me and my friend have different parenting styles. But reflecting back from our yesterday’s conversation with her, I’m trying to understand AIBU towards my own 2 children?
We are talking about children aged 7-10 years old. My friend’s children are sometimes tired after school etc and it comes out the way that I wouldn’t personally accept from my own children, e.g. shouting at parents, kicking things, saying rude staff like “shut up” and slamming the door. My friend talks to her children in a calm way and is trying to “ride it out”. I respect her patience, I really do.
But I don’t accept this with my own. A few times it happened I said to my children firmly that I’m always there for them, they can embrace me and spend time with me, they can tell me everything and we will find the way out of the situation, etc etc. But I don’t deserve to be shouted at and there will be no door slamming at my house, so they have to approach me in a different way and I’ll help them then. I don’t want my children to bottle things up, but am I wrong that at this age they have to learn not to hurt others emotionally even if they are upset? On the other hand, children are only learning about how to express themselves and can’t always control their emotions.
I feel like our approaches are different and that’s fine but am I too strict to my children? It’s not like they are not allowed to be upset or cry, it’s the aggression and shouting I can’t stomach. One day when my friend’s DS (9) was tired after his own party, he said to his mother “shut up, I hate you”. My heart was broken for her and I don’t know how she managed to stay calm. I said nothing and never mentioned it again after she said “it’s been a long day, he’s so tired”.
Our children don’t have SEN and do well at school, no behaviour concerns etc.

[quote Idkiibu]@JacksWorld
I actually feel the same way towards some TV programs. I have noticed a noticeable increase in argumentative behaviour between DD and DS after watching some “child friendly” family sitcom where brothers and sisters are always “frenemies” and it’s glorified and “funny”.[/quote]
Manufacturers spend zillions of pounds on adverts because they know that we take on board what we see and hear. I banned some tv programmes when our children were young as I didn't want them being subject to their influence. Some parents say they are useful to begin discussing issues surrounding bullying etc but I often wonder if in depth discussions take place. Ready to be proved wrong though....

Thanks for your reply ladies. I don’t expect my children to deal with my emotions. I just expect respectful behaviour from them because there’s a line I don’t want crossed and also when I’m not a target from aggressive behaviour, I can help them better. But lots of food for thoughts, so thank you

I think there is a difference between no wanting to be a target from aggressive behaviour once a child reaches a certain age and not being able to cope with something such as I hate you (and indeed having there heart broken by someone else)

I agree. Children want a rock for support.
Getting upset when they hate you isn’t being a steady support.

It can be addressed later but certainly not in that moment.

@BluebellsGreenbells
Maybe not in the moment but I think we are all different and I’m not willing to accept “I hate you” from anyone, so there would be serious consequences. I want my children to know that words can hurt a lot. I’m not abnormal or inferior to be hurt by words like this. Schools pay so much attention to anti-bullying, and to the way how other people have to be treated with respect and kindness, so why would it be acceptable to say “I hate you” to your own mother. Yes, once or twice a child, especially an explosive child, can say it when they are riding a wave of own emotions but more than that… just no.

@Quartz2208
By broken heart I mean I felt sad for my friend and knew it wasn’t easy for her. I didn’t stop sleeping or going to work lol
It must be hard to make all the party arrangements and do it all for your child to be hurt like this at the end of the day. You ladies have nerves of steel.

Totally agree, OP.

But that is when they said it when riding the emotions no one is saying you should accept more than that

And yes of course explain why it hurts and why it should when rational again no one is saying you shouldn’t

But serious consequences and punishment for an overwrought tired child no I don’t think that is justified

In theory i agree with you op, i don't tolerate my dc disrespecting me either but one of my 5 still dropped the 'i hate you' bomb a few times.

@Quartz2208
Maybe that’s very unwise to deal with it in the moment, but if my child (with no additional needs) treated me this way, I’d probably inform them the next day/after they calm down that they can’t have another party like this/can’t attend big parties anymore until they learn how to manage their tiredness without being rude and hurtful to their mother. I don’t know if it makes me unfair, but I just don’t see another way of preventing it.

My dc are allowed to express their anger and frustration (one has SEN and one doesn't). If it gets a bit selfish or spoilt then I pull them up on it by saying something like ' hang on a minute its not my fault you feel like XYZ'. I do shout.. they shout.. we aren't all calm and quiet but that's just our style. It's really good to get children to understand and name their emotions as they don't always know why ther feel and act as they do. With an autistic child we were encouraged to do this. It works with the non SEND one too. It even works with myself! So ' I think you're feeling angry because.. ' or ' are you doing this because you feel upset?'.
I really can't be bothered to police my DC emotional behaviour towards me as I'm their safe place. I don't let them sound off to all and sundry. Also I'd have to be more perfectly in control of my own emotions and I'm not...and complete control isn't healthy either! I'd find your approach too controlled. But I'm not you.

But why would you punish your child for being upset? Even if they don’t react in the best way they are still learning to control their emotions.

To punish them for something out of their control is more likely to lead to a situation where they hide how they are feeling from you because they don’t feel safe.

You should be their safe person. The person they can let out their frustrations on and then have a big hug and come up with a plan to sort things together. Then when all is calm you can talk about what was said in a rational way.

'I hate you' has no meaning to it at all from a small child.
Look up the 'coke bottle effect'

@Sirzy
I’m sorry but it sounds like you describe a punchbag. Letting them letting all their frustrations on you? How long will you last? Where is the line? What about kicking you? Shouting at you? Calling you names? Is it all safe? Just makes me think how different we all are. I can’t be the kind of a safe person.

And I feel sorry for your children if their mum can’t be their safe person then who can?

But you're missing the point... why are they doing that?
Children just don't react from nothing.
Behaviour is communication.
I'd be wanting to know why.

[quote Idkiibu]@Quartz2208
Maybe that’s very unwise to deal with it in the moment, but if my child (with no additional needs) treated me this way, I’d probably inform them the next day/after they calm down that they can’t have another party like this/can’t attend big parties anymore until they learn how to manage their tiredness without being rude and hurtful to their mother. I don’t know if it makes me unfair, but I just don’t see another way of preventing it.[/quote]
That approach does indeed make you very unfair. And it shows that you have no understanding at all of child development. There are many better approaches which have been set out on this thread, but you seem to think it's your way or the highway.

That kind of behaviour is poor parenting. Take responsibility for your choices and their consequences.

@Sirzy
I guess no one can be shouted at or called names. I don’t want them to think it is acceptable to be treated like this either. I’m always there for them, they have my and DH shoulder to cry on, I am on their side. But I feel like I deserve respect otherwise my cup will be empty.

@pointythings
So you would make another party and face the same behaviour again? What would you do? Let’s say you talked about it and it happened again. Tell me what would you do.

OP all kids are different, they have different personalities and respond in different ways. You don't know how your friend parents in the home in private. Could be that her kids get worse in the moment if she deals with then how you deal with yours, so she has a different strategy and, say, talks it out at home.

I'm lucky in that I've got consistent great behaviour reports from school for my kids all their lives, and they genuinely are good acting kids. I parent similar to you but wouldn't say it's the right parenting for a lot of kids. It all depends on the kids personality.

How does punishing them for daring to have emotions show you are on their side?

This is all about the need for respect from children. In other words you are expecting the power balance to be heavily in your favour. It doesn't work. There's plenty of academic evidence to show that if you need proof.
Your children will stop coming to you when they need real support. When they're older then that will be a huge problem..
My teen shouts at me. But she always comes and finds me to apologise and have a hug when she's calmed down. My own DM did not have this kind of relationship with me. So I was very keen to have an open relationship where my DC could vent, be themselves etc. If I pulled them up on everything then that would not be the case. I'm also no push over because they know when I say no there's a very good reason. They may not agree but they understand.

why would it be acceptable to say “I hate you” to your own mother. Yes, once or twice a child, especially an explosive child, can say it when they are riding a wave of own emotions but more than that… just no.

Nobody is saying it's acceptable, they're saying it's understandable and as a parent, it's your job to help them deal with their emotions, not ignore them until they've buried them calmed down.

You should be your child's safe space. Where they can cry, rant, shout and get out their feelings and emotions without worrying about being rejected, pushed away and ignored because they're not behaving to your standards.

Yes, of course you can explain that their behaviour is unacceptable but you don't teach them that by sending them to their rooms until they behave the way you want them to.

I didn’t turn “crazy”, but I opened the door and said in a cross voice that whatever happened to him I won’t tolerate any shouting or slamming doors because it makes me feel very bad and scared.

This is placing responsibility for your feelings on your kid, though. Saying they made you feel scared? That's not healthy. You're the adult. You are meant to be the safe harbour for your kid, who helps them navigate difficult feelings.

You can articulate why a behaviour is unacceptable, without saying you feel scared of them slamming a door and basically disengaging with them until they perform as you would like.

[quote Idkiibu]@Quartz2208
Maybe that’s very unwise to deal with it in the moment, but if my child (with no additional needs) treated me this way, I’d probably inform them the next day/after they calm down that they can’t have another party like this/can’t attend big parties anymore until they learn how to manage their tiredness without being rude and hurtful to their mother. I don’t know if it makes me unfair, but I just don’t see another way of preventing it.[/quote]
The thing is, this approach might not work at all with that child.
When i think of my own 2 children. One of them said something rude once. I told her off and removed her screens for the day. She never spoke to me like that again. The other child blows up at me often and ive tried to give him consequences/punishments, told him off etc. it doesnt work.
So now i leave them be and speak about it lter when they are calm and try to find solutions. Theres been a big improvement recently in their behaviour which i havent achieved with being strict before.
People always say they wouldnt tolerate certain behaviour. But tbh sometimes theres just nothing you can do about it. Some children just dont respond to the same discipline.