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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think she’s a CF?

324 replies

tearingmyhearout242 · 18/03/2022 23:39

We are doing a housing association house swap. My house is very desirable. It’s a 15 year old house in a small cul-de-sac in a ‘naice’ village. It has its own closed off driveway, a front and back garden (huge), and we’ve got a huge shed as well. It’s a bit tatty but nothing insane. Also has 2 storage cupboards and an upstairs and downstairs bathroom, as well as a dining room. This is all relevant because when it comes to council house swapping, the other party (who we are swapping with) really has won the jackpot. The only issues are regular kitchen wear and tear (council haven’t done a new kitchen since the house was built, and have refused to help when the cheap materials were literally falling apart) and the odd chip in walls etc from where paintings have been hung up.

We are only moving because DC are now teenagers and their social life and mental health is being ruined here, as it’s miles from anywhere and there is no bus. We’re swapping our house with a town centre end-terrace. We’re sacrificing a lot (front garden, our shed that we funded, our downstairs bathroom and our own driveway) for the location.

Council did an inspection a couple of weeks ago. They said that the kitchen is unfit and they couldn’t approve the swap. I pointed out we’d been begging for new cupboards
for years and the man just shrugged his shoulders. We are desperate for the swap to not fall through and so we offered to do any work ourselves (this will be all of our savings down the shitter) but he said we’re not allowed to. He has said they will probably do the kitchens in our cul-de-sac some point later on in the year or early next year so we just have to wait. We are absolutely gutted. A friend has told us this is wrong and if we sort the kitchen ourselves to a decent standard then they will still approve it. I don’t know what to do.

And in a semi-separate issue, the woman we are swapping with has demanded we do up the entire house on our own dime. She has said she won’t pull out of the swap over the kitchen dilemma and she’s happy to wait but she seems to expect lots in return for that. She wants a new lawn, all walls stripping and painting white, and the pond filling in. Her house (the one we’re moving to) is at the moment an absolute shit-tip. The bathroom is a blue linoleum floor (like you’d see in a hospital bathroom), the doors are hanging off the hinges, wallpaper coming off the walls etc. Don’t make me start on the garden. We just need the location. We’d never make such demands of her.

AIBU to just feel so drained and angry? I want to pull out but the kids are suffering here. It’s been an absolute fucking shitshow. I’ve already dealt with abuse from this woman earlier on in the process because she heard that HS2 potentially could be built nearby and she called me a liar and said I’d deceived her by not mentioning it. I knew nothing about it. She’s acting like she’s buying our house, and she isn’t. It’s a swap, but there’s nothing fair about it.

OP posts:
AllOfUsAreDead · 19/03/2022 10:23

@FairyCakeWings

There’s no harm in her asking.

If she’s a woman on her own and you’re a physically healthy two parent family with teenagers, it’s going to be a lot easier for you to give the place a lick of paint and fill in a pond than it is for her. It wouldn’t have to cost much at all, certainly not thousands.

If you don’t want to agree to what she wants, then don’t. If you can’t move until the kitchen is fixed by the council anyway then you have plenty of time to find another swapper, it just depends how much you want her house.

You are in quite a fortunate position here.

Ah and here's the cf herself, hello!
hesbeen2021 · 19/03/2022 10:25

Isn't it your local authority's responsibility to provide transport to and from school? Children I know who live rurally get taxis provided to their nearest school.
I'm sorry I know that doesn't help with the children's social life though

myceliumama · 19/03/2022 10:31

Op, please be careful, she sounds deranged.

I did a swap 5 years ago. Left my lovely house as my neighbour was a drug addled loon. And we needed more space. My home has been freshly decorated and wet moved into a house twice the size. For boards were missing, poo on the walls, the paint was streaked with condensation dripping through nicotine layers, they left two rooms of rubbish and we even found syringes and over flowing ashtrays. But I knew what I was getting into. We NEEDED a bigger house so we accepted it. Everything was fine and we started cleaning and redecorating right away.

The old tenant turned up two days later and demanded money to clean my old house as it was apparently disgusting. When pushed she said that bathroom vent was black with dust . I showed her the receipt, it has been professionally cleaned and I had been VERY generous considering I still had two rooms full of her shit and a shed full of camping and fishing stuff. She stomped off angry only to come back drunk three hours later demanding..... all her old internal doors. They were those £30 6 panel things from b and q and she had painted them black and White and done a terrible job. I told her she could come back the next day for them. Mainly because I had already bought new doors and the filter was doing them as I was talking to her but she didn't know that. But the main reason was because I knew they were different sizes to the dues in my old house. She clearly thought she had one over on me, told me my old druggy neighbour and her were besties and I was a gobshite. She collected the dues the next day and when she got home sent me ask sorts of hate through messenger. Then she went REALLY bonkers. Stole my wheely bins, tried her spare keys in the front and back door when she thought I wasnt it. Started posts about me on fb. I had to get the police involved. Then her two sons went to prison for drugging and gang raping a woman in Blackpool and just like that she stopped.

A few months later I was in the beer garden and my old neighbour approached me. Apologised for being a twat to me, said she had nothing but grief with the woman I swapped with. She's had been arrested for terrorising the neighbours kids and had even chased one of them with a knife and threatened to slit her mothers throat while she slept as she had a key to her house. Loony tunes ended up with an asbo type thing and got evicted. Good riddance.

TL;dr

If you have concerns now, step away from that woman and that exchange. You have no idea how bad it could get and she is shady showing you her true colours. She digs JUST like the woman I did a swap with. Step away?"! Look on fb for a new exchange . Email your mp. How can the council say your kitchen isn't fit for purpose and not fix it?

LimeSegment · 19/03/2022 10:34

She sounds horrible but nicely, I think you have to get over the idea that your place is perfect and she is getting an amazing bargain. It isn't "just" a location... the location is by far the single most important thing about a house. Yes it's slightly more doable for some, eg drivers without kids, but everyone wants a good location.

If she agrees to the swap, it's you that is getting the better deal, even if she leaves it run down and full of rubbish.

My property is nothing fancy but it would be worth 10 million if it was located in the right place. Unfortunately it isn't there. That doesn't make me a 10x millionaire though does it?

SpikyJugs · 19/03/2022 10:43

I totally understand why you want to move OP - your reasons are valid, and you've made the decision as a family.

Pull out - this woman will continue to make your life difficult before, during and after any move if it happens. I would talk to the HA, explain the situation, and tell them you're going to wait for a better option.

Talk to your family about it too - make sure they're all on board. Tell your DSs that you're doing everything you can to make their lives easier, the house swap wasn't the right one for the moment, but you'll do everything to find a better option.

then get proactive about finding somehwere else. As someone says, if your house is as desirable as you say then someone could be tempted to swap even if they haven't listed their place yet.

Good luck Flowers

Straycats · 19/03/2022 10:55

So sorry for your predicament. I'd get husband to solely deal with her, I doubt she'll want to deal with him the same way and I feel that he may push things along faster.

newbiename · 19/03/2022 10:55

I'd call her bluff.
Good luck 🤞🏼

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 19/03/2022 10:59

Sounds like she will harass you long after a swap.
Don't do it op.

Hellorhighwater · 19/03/2022 11:24

@Whatinthelord

Is she likely to pull out if you refuse. I suspect not if your current house is as nice as it is. Can’t imagine there are many other house swaps available in a cul de sac with a big garden etc.

I’d call her bluff and just say no.

This. You’ll always be in a strong position here. It sucks that you’ll have to wait, but you will. Bloody unreasonable that they can say the kitchen is fit for you to live with, but not fit to swap. Either it’s ok for everyone, or not ok for anyone.
catmothertes1 · 19/03/2022 11:28

@Fuckitsstillraining

I'm puzzled as to how living there in what sounds like a lovely house is ruining your childrens mental health? Lots of children grow up in rural areas without buses etc. I'd reconsider the move to be honest.
I was just thinking the same. The OP should stay where they are.
IncompleteSenten · 19/03/2022 11:28

I suspect she thinks she's got you over a barrel.
I bet she really wants to swap.
I agree with your husband. Call her bluff. So you may have to wait longer, maybe. But to use all your savings due to this woman's blackmail is foolish. Who knows what else she'll demand after you've sunk all your savings and therefore feel even more desperate - that you pay her moving costs maybe?

You're desperate to move. I get that. But you risk making a very foolish decision through that desperation that you would regret when you're in your shit tip terrace house with not a penny to make it livable.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/03/2022 11:33

Don't do it,.

You'll swap and she'll have left the property in an utter tip and removed everything removable and will then badger you about everything she doesn't think is good enough, that's if she moves and doesn't hold you to ransom for increasing demands.

can you really not afford to go private? or use the money you'd waste making your property worthy of her on taxi's etc SHORT TERM to make life easier for the kids and wait it out a little?

Nothing good is going to come of this move

tkwal · 19/03/2022 11:34

YANBU , she is a cf. Don't put another penny of your money into the house. The HA say they will be doing the kitchen later in the year so she can wait

TheEarthIsNotFlat · 19/03/2022 11:34

Won’t you regret leaving behind what sounds like an awesome house? Cul-de-sac’s are fab. Having just moved into one, I’m a real fan. Are you so far from the city centre that you couldn’t work something out for the kids? They’re not going to be living at home forever and you need to be happy in a nice home.

BoristalkedaboutBruno22 · 19/03/2022 11:45

Back away from this swap. She sounds vile. Work on your mental health and anxiety, have you medication for your anxiety?

Are your working? your poor DH is carrying a huge burden here.

ZenNudist · 19/03/2022 11:57

I think you are letting your anxiety getting better of you in all walks of your life but especially here. I get that you really can't drive, so really can't work, so really can't afford a private rent. You've convinced yourself moving is going to solve your problems but you sound a very unhappy person.

Solution here is absolutely call her bluff. Stay on the swap site. Wait for other properties to come up. This woman is not your only option. Persue the council to renovate the kitchen. Be demanding, make a big deal about all your problems as a family. Once the kitchen is renovated you can move. As for HS2 it will be fine. It sounds like you're not in a position to be that picky so people who know about it aren't going to mind trains coming through every so often. Make sure other swapees know about it and that you are moving to be more urban not to avoid HS2.

Rule this bitch out. The fact that she is willing to wait tells me she wants to compromise on HS2 and she is using every leverage she can to get to better her position.

Some people are better at negotiating than others. Sounds like you are bad at negotiating. If you have the nice house in the nice area and she has the shit tip in town you need to switch the power balance by walking away.

Be polite and there's no need to burn bridges. Just say that her demands don't work for you as you need money to renovate the new property.

I think you also need to count your blessings and try and be happier. You have a Council house in a lovely place. Not many people can say that.

Londoncallingme · 19/03/2022 12:06

Op - your teenagers will soon grow, and cars, and leave. Which of the two houses to you want to be in then? Do you want to be in town with a tiny garden? Honestly, they are already teens - they will grow, and go, fast. If this is your only reason - rethink! Be a cab service for them for a few years, pay for cabs, invest in electric bikes for them. Don’t move for this reason because they will drive soon and it won’t be a problem.

Londoncallingme · 19/03/2022 12:08

@ZenNudist

I think you are letting your anxiety getting better of you in all walks of your life but especially here. I get that you really can't drive, so really can't work, so really can't afford a private rent. You've convinced yourself moving is going to solve your problems but you sound a very unhappy person.

Solution here is absolutely call her bluff. Stay on the swap site. Wait for other properties to come up. This woman is not your only option. Persue the council to renovate the kitchen. Be demanding, make a big deal about all your problems as a family. Once the kitchen is renovated you can move. As for HS2 it will be fine. It sounds like you're not in a position to be that picky so people who know about it aren't going to mind trains coming through every so often. Make sure other swapees know about it and that you are moving to be more urban not to avoid HS2.

Rule this bitch out. The fact that she is willing to wait tells me she wants to compromise on HS2 and she is using every leverage she can to get to better her position.

Some people are better at negotiating than others. Sounds like you are bad at negotiating. If you have the nice house in the nice area and she has the shit tip in town you need to switch the power balance by walking away.

Be polite and there's no need to burn bridges. Just say that her demands don't work for you as you need money to renovate the new property.

I think you also need to count your blessings and try and be happier. You have a Council house in a lovely place. Not many people can say that.

I also think if you do decide that you must love them this is sound advice.
Squeezita · 19/03/2022 12:12

Whatever you do, do not give her your shed.

Sheds can be dismantled and rebuilt.

Even if you have to take it to the dump, do not give this dickhead your shed.

AngelinaFibres · 19/03/2022 12:21

@hesbeen2021

Isn't it your local authority's responsibility to provide transport to and from school? Children I know who live rurally get taxis provided to their nearest school. I'm sorry I know that doesn't help with the children's social life though
No they dont
TatianaBis · 19/03/2022 12:33

But if you moved into town and got a job surely you could afford 2 rents then and that would give you more flexibility on house?

WisherWood · 19/03/2022 12:34

Which of the two houses to you want to be in then? Do you want to be in town with a tiny garden? Honestly, they are already teens - they will grow, and go, fast. If this is your only reason - rethink!

The OP has said that she wants to move for herself as well as for the children.

BorsetshireBanality · 19/03/2022 12:38

Surely the council should provide free transport for journeys of 3 miles or more to school.

Re the swap, tell her that council approval issues have delayed the swap for at least 12 months so regretfully you have to withdraw at this stage. You hope she can find another suitable swap.

BaronessBomburst · 19/03/2022 12:48

Could you (or even your teenagers) use a moped or an electric bike to get a bit more independence?

PerseverancePays · 19/03/2022 13:13

I swapped from country to town. I never knew so many people with severe mental health problems lived in council/association houses. There was no end of ridiculous demands, convoluted chains and one exchange where we turned up in the moving lorry to find them all having breakfast! They'd changed their minds but hadn't bothered to tell us!
The person who we did eventually exchange with had hysterics on the day, screamed at us because we were still loading when she turned up in a car, she had no van. We ended up using our van to load up her stuff just to get it done.
If the council are blocking you I would follow advice to see Mp, Shelter/citizen's advice/environmental health; council particularly don't like Mps and environmental health.
Do not give in to anyone's demands, they are just verbalising nonsense, don't take any notice.
Good luck, my swap took 18 months and I think I was lucky.

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