Babies like zombies at nursery

[BlueTreeCat]

I’m trying to decide between childminder and nursery for my LO at the mo. At the nurseries I’ve visited all the babies just seem to be sat there all listless and blank looking. No smiling, no laughing, just sat staring, or crying. Is this normal for nurseries or have I just visited some poor ones? What’s been your experience? I’m talking babies 12 months and younger here. It’s not so bad with the older ones I don’t think, from what I’ve seen.

@user1487194234

ODFO Hang Mine went to nursery as I wanted to continue my career No regrets 20 plus years down the line All DC doing great I have fab job All good

Same here and now have the advantage of seeing the results as DT’s are now 22 years old. Both have had a first class education, got 1st class degrees, one working for the EU in Brussels and the other an engineering company in Amsterdam. We’re a close family and no regrets on the decisions we made for the DT’s at nursery which enabled DH and I to both progress in our careers.

I went for nursery as there more eyes on my children. I also did lots of clubs on maternity leave so I saw a lot of childminders.... and let's just say I lots of negatives of their behaviour and interaction. But in fairness I saw one nursery where I ran out of as it was so awful.

But it depends on your circumstances and what works best for you. My nursery had a terrible ofsted (which was about a year after we joined) but lots of parents left, so the ratios were fab and ofsted has no criticism of care. It was stupid things. I liked the vibe, I liked location so it was great. And it was what I wanted which was lots of eyes on the children.
Kids did amazing ( and to be honest they don't remember their time there, and they were there a lot lol)

@Hangthetowels

I can't believe people put babies into nurseries, it's absolute madness. Great for toddlers but babies should be with their families. Makes me so sad that this is normalised.

Well, why don't you take us all back to the era where you could run a household on a single not highly paid job. Because right now, being a SAHM really only works where one partner is on a high income. That's the reality of it, no point being sad about it.

@Idkiibu

I will probably go against the grain here, but if I had a choice (which many of us don’t have) I’d never put my baby under 12 months to the nursery. It’s just not developmentally appropriate for them, I’d prefer one person to look after my baby. That being said, there are a lot of nurseries out there with very dedicated stuff who have babies best interests in heart. Find the one you have a good feeling for.

Former highly qualified Nursery Teacher here with PhD in Early Years Education. I would never leave a child under 12 months in a nursery. Staff qualifications and qualities are much more varied than you might think. Staff behaviour will change when parents are around. There is no real way for you to know exactly what goes on - many nurseries are wonderful, but some are not. Very young children need closer attention - I tend to agree with Idkiibu.

Me and my DH took time out when our DC's were small specifically to avoid nurseries or childminders. It was a conscious decision. We were relatively young having children and now at 37 we are back working in careers related to our masters. We definitely didn't have loads of money for a while but now we have our own home and are doing great thankfully. We both have good careers but obviously had to juggle for a while which wasn't easy ( we have no family support) so worked out for us. Each to their own , it was my exposure to nurseries when younger, our own interest in child psychology (bownan etc) and a genuine desire to be with our small dcs during the first three years that influenced our desision. Just wanted to point that out when ppl spoke about how they didn't lose their careers , either did we. Each to their own, I always just my instinct and have issues with pre verbal or non verbal ppl left in situations that might not be ideal. That's personal though and each to their own but everyone can have an opinion . The wages are too low, that's a huge problem imho.

*(Bowlby)

@Owieeee yeah... because most parents don't have a "genuine desire" to be with their children?!! Come on. Can't you recognise how self congratulatory and smug that sounds? Wow.

Excellent quality nurturing nurseries exist. So do excellent childminders and nannies. The issue is that too often high quality childcare is only available for those who can pay and where there is the provision. And that there are too many mediocre settings, that aren't awful but aren't doing what they could.

It's not true that most nurseries are outstanding. Only about 20% are, with the rest being judged as good and only about 5% as required improvements or inadequate. But that means that the "good" rating must cover a big range from nearly outstanding to slightly better than requires improvement. Perhaps there could be more gradation in the good range to help parents distinguish the level of care more accurately.

[quote RoseslnTheHospital]@Owieeee yeah... because most parents don't have a "genuine desire" to be with their children?!! Come on. Can't you recognise how self congratulatory and smug that sounds? Wow.

Excellent quality nurturing nurseries exist. So do excellent childminders and nannies. The issue is that too often high quality childcare is only available for those who can pay and where there is the provision. And that there are too many mediocre settings, that aren't awful but aren't doing what they could.

It's not true that most nurseries are outstanding. Only about 20% are, with the rest being judged as good and only about 5% as required improvements or inadequate. But that means that the "good" rating must cover a big range from nearly outstanding to slightly better than requires improvement. Perhaps there could be more gradation in the good range to help parents distinguish the level of care more accurately. [/quote]
In all fairness, many parents do openly express that they'd like time away from their children, either to go back to work, or just to put them into nursery for some hours, to have time to themselves. And that's OK too.

Former highly qualified Nursery Teacher here with PhD in Early Years Education. I would never leave a child under 12 months in a nursery.

You wouldn’t trust other people to do the job you are trained in? I hope you realise how silly it is to hope other people don’t choose to use a service which is your job.

This seems strange to me .As an ex Nursery School Teacher ,the baby room should be a fun place to be! Toys out ,music and interaction all the way ! Unless it was late in the day or nap time ,this seems out of order! Maybe disregard this one and look around elsewhere

@BoredZelda

Former highly qualified Nursery Teacher here with PhD in Early Years Education. I would never leave a child under 12 months in a nursery.

You wouldn’t trust other people to do the job you are trained in? I hope you realise how silly it is to hope other people don’t choose to use a service which is your job.

I think it's clear that what she is saying is she wouldn't leave a child under 12 months in a nursery, not that she wouldn't leave any child in a nursery. I'm the same. I was a primary teacher and then specialised in early years and taught in a school nursery. I also wouldn't put a child under 1 (or probably under 2) in a nursery.

Spudyoulikeit. The Nursery I worked in had a garden ,complete with baby slide ,outdoor toys and so on .Often if weather permitting would go for a walk with older children and babies in buggies .

In all fairness, many parents do openly express that they'd like time away from their children, either to go back to work, or just to put them into nursery for some hours, to have time to themselves. And that's OK too.

Yes I had zero desire to stay with my child all day every day. I was ready to go back to work after 10 months maternity leave. I didn’t think her happiness, our bond and her life chances were going to be destroyed by spending 2 months going to nursery a few days a week before this magic age of 12 months. Lo and behold, they haven’t been. I’m not some “poor woman” justifying my choices - they weren’t forced on me, I chose them and it’s all worked out fine. I don’t think my DD’s nursery is shit, but even if it was, it has quite obviously done her no harm.

bruce43mydog. These days most women need to work .Saying things like You want your child to be "free" sounds unrealistic and nonsensical! I stayed at home with my DC too ,however I was later a Nursery School Teacher ,and was involved with the baby room sometimes .I can assure you they do not have Armed guards there and their own cells! Its good that you are home with them and I loved being home with mine .However if you need to work (to pay for ever increasing bills ,and to build a good pension up) There is no need to feel worried that you have somehow "damaged" them by leaving them in a quality child care setting with trained staff!

Perhaps the babies don't get enough attention at some nurseries, they need to be entertained quite a lot. I never put my two into any nurseries,or day care places at all., so don't know what they are like at all.

@Somethingsnappy the desire to be with them for the first 3 years was one of the most important decisions we made as parents. Most of the brain is formed during those years so for is it was a v important time, it's just a fact and a part of raising our children together, nothing to congratulate ourselves on. I worked years ago in nurseries and didn't want my under 3's in one. It wasn't easy as we don't have support but we juggled it and made it though, an entirely personal decision influenced by loads of things. I don't care what others do , I am allowed say what we did and give an opinion and insight into my experience. To answer op definitely look elsewhere and trust your instincts.

That's fair enough @BobbinHood, we loved being with our DC's in the early years , my DH worked ft (but we used loads of parental leave) and I freelance ( nap times, mornings and evenings), back working ft now in the area I did my post grad but I finish at 3.30.most days .Each to their own.
It's possible to also spend time with DC's while young and go back to a career.

Our nursery has a lady in the baby room who's job seems to be exclusively to cuddle them. Definitely not the case there, she'd be devastated if any of "her" babies looked unhappy

@Incognito32 I’m not sure what you mean by “my take”? It’s what I said, staff not engaged with children, I’m not sure how I can make it clearer.

My own childminder choice was based on having met this particular lady at a playgroup I went to with my eldest, and seeing how she was with her charges (she only had 2), and I remember coming home and saying to dh that if we ever needed a childminder I’d love to have her.

I then needed a childminder for my youngest a couple of years later amd luckily for us she had a space-she only ever minded 2 at a time, she didn’t go to her capacity.

She was a more “mature” lady with grown up children (about the age I am now 😂) and her home and life revolved round her mindees, she even had a people carrier with built in child harnesses, her garden had a playhouse and swingset, and they weren’t just what her own kids had outgrown.

I could go on and on, but you’ll get the drift. I had horrendous PND when I had my youngest, hence the need for childcare and she really saved what shred of sanity I had.

She passed away a couple of years ago and that still makes me sad

[quote Owieeee]@Somethingsnappy the desire to be with them for the first 3 years was one of the most important decisions we made as parents. Most of the brain is formed during those years so for is it was a v important time, it's just a fact and a part of raising our children together, nothing to congratulate ourselves on. I worked years ago in nurseries and didn't want my under 3's in one. It wasn't easy as we don't have support but we juggled it and made it though, an entirely personal decision influenced by loads of things. I don't care what others do , I am allowed say what we did and give an opinion and insight into my experience. To answer op definitely look elsewhere and trust your instincts.[/quote]
I think you misunderstood what I was getting at. I was sticking up for you . A poster commented that you were smug and self congratulatory for saying you had a genuine desire to spend time with your children, as everyone feels the same. I was pointing out that it wasn't the case for everyone, and thus you weren't smug to say what you did. I wrote quickly and didn't make it clear what my point was. I said it's OK to feel both ways in case anyone got offended.

I felt the same as you and chose not to use a nursery for any of my 4, until 3 years old. I've been lucky to be in a position to be able to.

I would also agree from working in nurseries that they’re better for over 2s, or even over 18mos.

Not much social benefit comes from a nursery over a childminder any younger than that… better in a homely, cosy environment where it’s not loud and noisy and so many faces. Just my opinion though. There is no right choice! Visit a few of each to get a good feel.

My 19 and 17 year olds attended nursery from 9 and 12 months. 9 months was because that was the maternity leave I was entitled to.

They are both very well balanced young men. We still see one of the ladies who worked at the nursery. I really don’t feel it caused them any harm. But I also didn’t have a lot of choice and having recently divorced I’m so glad I went back to work part time until they started school. I now have my own decent salary and pension. I’m proud of myself and one day my kids will be proud as to what their parents did for them. Nursery is a tiny part of life. We are made to feel so guilty for sending kids there when it is only 4 years, that’s 48 months. It’s nothing looking back.

My DC went to a nursery that friends had recommended. It was dreadful. In theory they were child-centred re nap times etc but in practice that meant there was always a baby crying at any given time and my DC went from a 2-hour nap at home to a 10 min nap at nursery. In theory they did painting and yoga but just taking basic care of them would have suited me. I once turned up to find my baby lying in a dirty nappy while one staff member looked after 8 children… My 2 year old missed me like crazy. The staff told me that the full time children settled much better because they were used to it (mine were part time).

I regret every day they spent there. I pulled them out at the earliest opportunity and switched to a CM who was lovely and a proper attachment figure rather than a succession of bored teenagers.

I looked round lots of other nurseries and didn’t like any of them. Children playing outside with their coats unbuttoned. A cigarette lighter lying in the playground at another. Children crowding round me for attention because they weren’t getting enough. They were really depressing.

Apologies @Somethingsnappy!

We used 4 different nurseries for DC1, combination of factors. I regret it. DC1 is now a teen and fine but IME the care wasn’t great in any of them. Far better care for DC2 from childminders, the childminder/preschool combo.