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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Live in partner expects assurance of interest in my property

331 replies

joboy2 · 18/03/2022 12:03

My recent female partner would like to move in to my property. I'm 67. She is 69. Until now, I had expected to date a partner with her own property, meaning we would live separately but regularly stay over in each others property. My partner has no property. My main worry is that I have always intended to pass my house on after my death, in its entirety, to my single mother daughter. As I understand it, if my partner moves in and contributes anything in terms of work, money, even decoration, she could, on my demise, declare a financial interest in my house, allowing her to occupy it. I have discussed this matter with her, and been blunt or rather frank and honest as to my intentions. Both she, and her friends seem appalled that I will not consider passing on an interest in my home upon my demise. I have pointed out that if the sexes were reversed, they might take a less charitable position regarding a relatively elderly male expecting an interest in his partners house, indeed they might think he was taking advantage. The upshot is, that I have insisted that some sort of legally binding document be drawn up between us stating my position quite clearly before any move by my partner. The only other options being that we break up over this issue, or we carry on as we are and she continue to live in her own rented accommodation. I wonder what other readers might think, or indeed what advice they might offer. Joboy.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 18/03/2022 14:37

Do you imagine that your partner will wan't to end things with you, if you tell her that you wish to keep things as they are, as in protecting your own interests regarding you home etc. If she has these friends behind her,who might be saying that she should just be able to move in with you, and not knowing your sensible reasons for why you don't want her to, then she might take the huff, and then you will get the measure of her, as to how she views her future with you, regarding your home and money issues with you.

I would stay clear of a situation like this.

MaudieandMe · 18/03/2022 14:41

Goldigger? Grabby?? FFS!

You’d probably get more balanced advice if you posted on Gransnet.

Here, a large proportion of posters still think their parents should provide endless free childcare and give them huge sums towards their house purchase, otherwise, they threaten to withhold access to the grandchildren. Hmm

If your partner is currently living in HA or Council property, presumably she can’t risk moving in with you without losing her home at some point? If you die first, she could find herself homeless in her late 70’s!

Definitely speak to a solicitor for further advice but also think hard about what you want from this relationship. Friends with benefits or something deeper?

Twinkster · 18/03/2022 14:43

Why does she want to move in? I can only think of dubious reasons.

I am in a very long term relationship but we do not live together. It makes it much easier as we are both older and have adult children to whom we have left everything in our respective wills. Anything else would be crazy.

JimmyDurham · 18/03/2022 14:46

Get this woman out of your life ASAP.

TunaPaste · 18/03/2022 14:46

In my family the women never seem to get to retire still the same cooking, cleaning merry go round.

There's no way that I'd move in with an aging bloke, to take on his domestic work, nurse him through various health scares and not have security in the building I'd looked after for potentially decades. Good for her, an expression of interest, isn't about liquidising an asset it's about keeping a roof over her head when she is older and more vulnerable.
If you choose not to explore this legal pathway, you may have two less fun decades ahead, a bit more lonely, a bit scarey at times and move earlier to an rapid asset draining care home. So be careful what you are actually saving your money for.

TatianaBis · 18/03/2022 14:49

@TunaPaste

In my family the women never seem to get to retire still the same cooking, cleaning merry go round.

There's no way that I'd move in with an aging bloke, to take on his domestic work, nurse him through various health scares and not have security in the building I'd looked after for potentially decades. Good for her, an expression of interest, isn't about liquidising an asset it's about keeping a roof over her head when she is older and more vulnerable.
If you choose not to explore this legal pathway, you may have two less fun decades ahead, a bit more lonely, a bit scarey at times and move earlier to an rapid asset draining care home. So be careful what you are actually saving your money for.

Except she’s the one who suggested it if you read the OP. First sentence.
RedWingBoots · 18/03/2022 14:49

@MaudieandMe the OP started their post off with:
"My recent female partner would like to move in to my property."

The OP also hasn't mentioned that the partner is in council/HA rented just she is renting and she wants a financial interest in the OP property if she does move in.

Posters are expecting her to act like @Twinkster

This is why lots of people are thinking she is a gold digger and/or grabby.

yolandar · 18/03/2022 14:50

Gold digger alert! I would in no way and under any circumstances put my DC inheritance at risk. She doesn't want you she wants your house! Run run as fast as you can!

RedWingBoots · 18/03/2022 14:50

Oh and @MaudieandMe if she was in council/HA it would make more sense for the OP to move in with her as a lodger, and for the OP to rent out their home.

lazarusb · 18/03/2022 14:50

My dad was with his partner 13 years before he died last month. He owned his house, with pensions and had savings. His partner lives in a privately rented bedsit, has no regular work and no savings. My dad left the house and most of the estate to my brother and I. They never lived together and had separate finances.

I suspect that she won’t want to live with you if it means losing her home now, and again if you die before her. I think the simplest solution might be if you don’t move in with each other.

Babyroobs · 18/03/2022 14:52

She does sound grabby but depends what her situation is at the moment. If she is renting and has just state pension she will likely be getting her rent covered in full so it's perhaps not appropriate for people to say she should be investing what se currently pays as that could be nothing ! If she is currently in council of HA accommodation and gives that up then yes she would likely be leaving herself in a very vulnerable position because when you die there may not be the possibility of getting that accommodation back and she might be at the mercy of private landlords/ insecure accommodation. Another consideration of course is that you may not be able to leave the entirety of the property to your daughter, it could mostly be taken up by care costs if you become ill and require care. In this situation if your partner provided care for you saving you considerable care costs then gets chucked out of your house at the end, where does that leave her? There's a lot to consider here.

DiamondBright · 18/03/2022 14:54

I'm planning to move in with my DP soon, we both own properties and will be selling them to buy one together, and we will be holding the property as tenants in common and writing wills to ensure that our respective children get their fair share and the second one to die isn't restricted in being able to move home etc. It's all very difficult even when you both have capital in the mix, if only one of you does that's even harder.

I can understand she'd be anxious about giving up her home and then ending up homeless on your death, it needs a trip to the solicitors and an open and honest conversation.

Teateaandmoretea · 18/03/2022 14:54

I think that you mustn't let her move in.

Otherwise if you die she is basically homeless. If you love her you are unlikely to find this acceptable.

She is clearly wanting financial security from you, but has no right to this.

Tomhardyshadabath · 18/03/2022 14:55

Absolutely do not do this. My mother did this, with good intention and not content with a life interest in the house, her partner put in a claim against her estate when she died. He was ultimately not successful but the legal dispute lasted six years, was hugely stressful and cost my brother and I 19k in legal fees. I am now a single parent and own my own house and it's one of the reasons that I won't live with anyone again. The best way to protect your daughter's inheritance is to not entertain this at all. You obviously have doubts about your partner's intentions so listen to them. Good luck.

jessycake · 18/03/2022 14:56

I don't think she is necessarily being grabby , if you pop off , she will have no where to live and if she lives in a secure rental property this would be a very stupid thing for her to do . Keep things as they are.

Blossomtoes · 18/03/2022 14:57

@Waxonwaxoff0

I'm a single mother. I want my son to inherit everything, so for that reason I will never marry or let a partner move into my house. I'd give that advice to every single mother who wants their children to inherit.
Surely that depends on your age? It’s unrealistic to expect never to have another live in relationship if you’re in your 20s or 30s. There are other ways of protecting your assets.
canary1 · 18/03/2022 15:00

Run a mile! Golddigger!!

milkyaqua · 18/03/2022 15:00

My recent female partner would like to move in to my property.

I bet she would! Don't let her.

LaraDeSalle · 18/03/2022 15:01

Bin her and get yourself a young dolly bird every couple of months.

beinggreen · 18/03/2022 15:01

I wouldn't let her move in. She's made her position clear, and I wouldn't trust her not to pull a fast one when you're gone.

Continue to live apart, it's the best way.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/03/2022 15:02

recent? How recent?
She wants to move in , do you want her too?
What is her current set up? Is she in house association or similar?

Could you gift your daughter your house now with an agreement that you carry on living there? That way if you die first, no one else can make a claim?

Blossomtoes · 18/03/2022 15:02

@LaraDeSalle

Bin her and get yourself a young dolly bird every couple of months.
Good luck with that! How many “dolly birds” want pensioners?
CrazyTimes123 · 18/03/2022 15:02

I think you’re being very sensible!

I’m no expert so prepared to be told no but can you sign over your house to your daughter now with the covenant that you remain there rent free until your demise !

(Would that help with capital gains tax ?)

Malibuismysecrethome · 18/03/2022 15:07

She seems to be assuming that you will die before her. Speak to a solicitor because if she moves in with you she may well have rights, she doesn’t as a partner but would if you married her.

Quite frankly I would wonder why she is so keen to get her hands on your property.

LaraDeSalle · 18/03/2022 15:09

Lots of young women today are looking for sugar daddies.

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