People offering rooms to refugees

[Decorbreadthegingerate]

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Crimesean well, in the same position, I’d consider whether it was a good idea to expose my children to well-meaning but unfamiliar faces and a different language and culture so very suddenly. I’d prefer for us to have privacy and the right support to find our feet on our own terms. I’d prefer some dignity. I’d prefer to make my own connections in my own time.[/quote]
But there’s no privacy and dignity in hostels or b&bs...so what do you suggest instead?

@MushroomCow99

YANBU. Human traffickers will be rubbing their hands with glee. Lots of people are doing it for a well done pat on the back you can tell and have no idea what they are getting themselves into.

And again... if they're so welcoming why didn't they offer their home to a homeless person beforehand?

Thé issue here is that as soon as you become a refugee, you are risk of human traffickers. In some ways, these women and children will much safer in a random house (and people who have a saviour complex) and in a refuge camp, which is usually the answer to such human catastrophe.

So will it be perfect? Of course not.
Is it better than a tent in a middle of a refugee camp of 10.000+ people with very little amenities? I suspect so. Refugee camps aren’t the nicest or safest place on Earth. But still safer than your old flat/house when you are been bombed by Russian tanks etc…

Most people who donate or give time to charities do it because they get something out of it. It makes them feel good about themselves or about what they're doing. We get a buzz from it. If they didn't, they wouldn't do it. Very few people are truly altruistic.

My job used to be working with people who came to this country in a planned and organised fashion. On the whole they tend to be quite needy and I mean that in a literal and not negative sense. It's so much worse with refugees, especially with those who don't speak the language well enough to express complex ideas. I wouldn't take anyone in. I don't think I'm well enough equipped with knowledge or time. And I fear that many people are caught up in the feel good factor of giving immediate help without any idea of the complexities involved or thinking about the future longterm.

However I think most people are offering to help out of kindness and I think it's churlish for others to criticise them because they don't like how they've expressed themselves.

@Porcupineintherough

"More harm than good"

Ah, you so you would like to offer a room but you are refusing for their own good. Lucky refugees to have someone like you to look out for them. Not knowing anything about their personal circumstances makes you ideally placed to determine this if course. And you get to have a nice glow from doing the right thing by doing nothing at all

I hate to say it, but I kind of think this is right.

Everyone who can offer space should, ideally, be doing it. Generally, those who can and aren't are declining because of the huge impact on them, which is understandable if not massively admirable. I have more respect for people who just own the fact that they don't want to make this (admittedly major) sacrifice than people who pretend that actually their overriding concern is the refugees and it's for the refugees' benefit that they'll give money but keep their houses closed.

Virtue signalling over this may annoy some people, but I still think there's more grace in doing it and mentioning it than in not doing it when you could, and complaining about people mentioning it.

As it happens, I don't think most people offering will have the offer taken up because I don't think that many refugees will get here.

Not being unreasonable, there was a Facebook post earlier from a Ukrainian family looking for a property to rent, people were falling over themselves to welcome them and tell them of flats they know of and telling them they are 'safe and loved' all very lovely but when you are about to be made homeless and can't find anywhere to rent due to incredibly low stock and high prices it feels a bit much.

@PearlclutchersInc

Within a couple of hours of the scheme being launched so were the posts starting ...."will housing a refugee affect my benefits......"

Good to see people always have an eye on the main chance.

Actually I'm glad to see people are being pragmatic about it, and thinking through the implications. It's no good creating a system where the £350 is being clawed back through UC deductions and the hosts find themselves with the same low income and higher outgoings than before. That would make a placement much more likely to break down.

Likewise questions about single person council tax discount and whether or not the payment is taxable.

I'm perfectly comfortable with people making some money from the scheme - they would if they put a regular lodger in the same room, and a lodger would have lower support needs.

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable about this is that I feel the UK govt has been bounced into this ill-thought out offer because of public pressure that's largely coming from the left-wing media whipping people into a lather about 'doing something'. I listen to the Today programme on R4 every morning and I've been really annoyed by their questioning of govt ministers every fucking morning 'Why aren't we doing more? Why aren't we making it easier for refugees to come here? Why aren't we removing red tape?' on and on, putting huge pressure on ministers to come up with something in hours or days.

Pres. Zelenskiy has NOT asked the UK govt to house Ukrainian refugees - on the contrary, it's my understanding that he asked instead for support for neighbouring countries hosting them so that they will be close to home and able to return quickly. What he doesn't want is his population spread all over the globe and possibly the youngest, most productive and energetic members of society absorbed into other nations and unwilling or unable to quickly to return and rebuild once this conflict is over.

As for the non-Ukrainian refugee families that are already here asking if they can be part of this new initiative for hosting refugees in people's home - I don't blame them for asking if they can be part of it! If 145,000 British families are so keen to welcome a refugee family into their homes, why shouldn't they? And why haven't these eager would-be hosts not put themselves forward before? Refugees at Home has, after all, being operating for years in the UK.

As for the non-Ukrainian refugee families that are already here asking if they can be part of this new initiative for hosting refugees in people's home - I don't blame them for asking if they can be part of it! If 145,000 British families are so keen to welcome a refugee family into their homes, why shouldn't they? And why haven't these eager would-be hosts not put themselves forward before? Refugees at Home has, after all, being operating for years in the UK

Bluntly, because these refugees have white skin and are middle class.

If people are so worried about vulnerable women and children being abused, that's all the more reason to offer your home if you can, assuming it's safe.

Did anyone watch the tonight programme last night about our housing crisis ?? One lady had paid her rent for 9 years and her landlord sold up and she couldn't afford to rent anywhere else due to crippling rent increases and lack of affordable housing. She was living in shitty temporary accommodation with her children and desperate to have a proper home for them. This will be me in a few months and it's terrifying. The rental market is so stretched and now the government will be expected to house Ukrainians in rental properties too. It's utter madness.

What I take issue with is 1) that a number of people are centering themselves in someone else’s traumatic situation for the feels

I'll be honest, if I were fleeing a war zone and someone offered me and my family a safe place to live, I really wouldn't give a shit if they talked about it to other people.

It really all reads like deflection and attack to compensate for not being prepared to be a host yourself.

@zafferana
I feel the UK govt has been bounced into this
ill-thought out offer because of public pressure that's largely coming from the left-wing media whipping people into a lather about 'doing something'.

I agree with this 100%. The people criticising the apparent lack of action are those who have no idea of how much effort it takes to make sure that actions to be carried out are done safely and properly. But they'll be the first to criticise when things go wrong. You just know that somewhere down the line some people are going to go to the media to complain that they had a bad experience and then the govt are going to get another load of shit thrown at them for not thinking things through.
This is the future of govt in democratic countries.

@lollipoprainbow yes I saw that programme it’s frightening for those people who could be homeless shortly. Housing is a huge mess and adding more people is going to make to a lot lot worse...no easy answers !

@thebabessavedme

Having given this whole idea a lot of thought I believe its a recipie for disaster.

It sounds like a wonderful, humane thing to do, however I think that the government should take the approach that these refuges need to be housed together in decent hotels, they need each other, the familiar langugue, the support of being with people who have had the same terrible experiences, who are seperated from family, who have basically lost everything amid ongoing trauma.

They need proffessional help with trauma counsellers, immediate help with working out what happens to them next, help with finding out the status of husbands (dead or alive) the children need to keep some sort of education going in their own langugue etc. The list goes on.

As nice as it sounds I would think it would be incredibly traumatic to find yourself in a strangers home with a huge langugue barrier and just be expected to 'fit in'. I honestly think that it would be ok for maybe a couple of weeks but I can foresee huge problems on the horizon for these poor souls and I think they should be housed together, even now, we are a very rich country and could afford to do it.

I had exact conversation and thoughts with my daughter who is a psychologist. I was seriously considering having a poor woman and child but after lots of thought agree with every thing you have said. They need to be amongst their own and I think that as a nation we are welcoming and offer as much support as possible with practical help etc.

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Crimesean well, in the same position, I’d consider whether it was a good idea to expose my children to well-meaning but unfamiliar faces and a different language and culture so very suddenly. I’d prefer for us to have privacy and the right support to find our feet on our own terms. I’d prefer some dignity. I’d prefer to make my own connections in my own time.[/quote]
But you’re not them, are you? You haven’t fled a war torn country with precious few possessions and found yourself in a foreign country. It’s all very well for you to say what you’d want - you’re never likely to be in that position so it’s irrelevant.

@Blossomtoes it doesn’t require much imagination. They’re people like us in an unprecedented situation, not aliens from another planet. Please.

The othering here ^, and elsewhere, is unpleasant at best

I don’t think it was a good idea to add a cash payment. Encourages those with less than pure motives to apply. I can see a lot of people signing up to get the £350 to offset their monthly energy bills.

I just really hope that the people offering homes and rooms will be vetted properly. And that the refugee families who do take up will have regular contact with a project leader or safe person who they can trust from outside of their host family.

We've hosted children/young adults from Belarus with Chernobyl children's lifeline. (Who are phenomenal, you can donate to them directly). And it's fantastic, but exhausting.

Wildly different circumstances obviously, the children we hosted weren't traumatised by war, but they had lived hard lives, and were traumatised in different ways. They had been prepped beforehand, had solid support whilst they were with us and were kept in touch with by the project when they left.

I think a lot of people are thinking what a lovely charitable, generous thing to do without considering the actual reality of it. Hosting is exhausting, it can be very draining, it can be very expensive.

It's incredibly worthwhile, but it needs to be officiated by charities who do this as part of their work and who know the difficulties that both the refugees and the host families can face and have structures in place beforehand to problem solve.

@Decorbreadthegingerate

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

I don't think by offering a room you are taking them from home are you? Are they not already displaced?

@Decorbreadthegingerate

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

I think it's extremely irresponsible to invite a stranger to stay in your home when you have children.

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Blossomtoes it doesn’t require much imagination. They’re people like us in an unprecedented situation, not aliens from another planet. Please.[/quote]
And everyone isn’t like you. I’d be far happier in a family environment than isolated in a flat. If anyone’s “othering”, it’s you

@Decorbreadthegingerate

The othering here ^, and elsewhere, is unpleasant at best

You are really, really reaching now.

I think it's extremely irresponsible to invite a stranger to stay in your home when you have children

Yes I think so too.

God forbid it got to a point where there were truckloads of children being sent unaccompanied - I would take a child in, absolutely. And treat them as I treat my own dc for the duration and all the rest.

An adult though - male or female - no way. You'd have to be an idiot.

I think the advantage of refugees being housed in people s homes is that in many cases they will make good friends and connections in the country and it will help with integration. Staying in hotels won't do thst.