People offering rooms to refugees

[Decorbreadthegingerate]

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

YABU. God forbid anyone try to be nice these days.

There is a time issue too. Refugees need help now, not in a month when things are better sorted. Would it be better to have a comfy bed in a family home with strangers in the U.K., or be on a camp bed in a school gym with fellow Ukrainians in Poland? Or a comfy bed in a family home with strangers in Poland? I can imagine personally wanting to stay as close to my homeland and fellow country people as possible.

I don't think it is ideal, nothing about the situation is. But I do think it helpful and kind of those who can help to do so.

Own space may be better for privacy, but support of being within a household may turn out to be very valuable to help settle.

If you can't do it that's fine, i cant either, don't judge those who are trying.

I'm a bit concerned too. I joined a Facebook group matching Ukrainians to local people in our county. I asked a few questions and it looks like a completely informal group, no safeguarding awareness and no connections with the local Ukrainian community.

Already there's a business owner saying that he is looking for Ukrainians to work at his farm/factory and he can provide live-in accommodation.

Golden retrievers? Hell to the yes.

OP, I get what you are trying to say. Unfortunately, many people help expecting to have their photo op and social media praise. It's becoming exhausting. Help for the right and humanitarian reasons, not just the fad.

The family photo with their pet and whatever fancy dress shows privilege and the " I'm better than you" attitude. Sure they will expect compliance with their social media approval cravings and pose for photos and likes.

I read posts online, where people are describing what an amazing and life-changing experience was to welcome and help Ukrainians into their homes. I think its a violation of the refugee's privacy. Why post their pictures and tell their story online? Help, but don't take away their dignity and privacy. A lot of people are doing this for their own selfish reasons.

We must not forget the safety element when helping vulnerable people. There are so many risks around human trafficking, abuse and safeguarding. Who is going to monitor this?

I totally agree with you OP. At best, you've got kind, naive people trying to do something good. At worst, well I'd rather not think of 'at worst'. But I totally agree that what these people need is not a spare room in someone's house, but a self-contained space that they can call home, where they can lock the door, have some safety and privacy, not have the burden of being someone's house guest or virtue signalling project.

If I was fleeing my home the last thing I'd want is to have to be a guest in the home of total strangers who don't speak a word of my language. It's really stressful being a houseguest even when the hosts are kind and well-meaning. There is such a lot of scope for exploitation on both sides, the whole thing makes me feel very concerned.

Dh boss is doing this.

IMO, she’s doing it for the wrong reasons and going into it blinkered.

She says that she is looking forward to helping out a lovely family. She’s got this idea in her head that they will be fabulous and greatful and it will be like some sort of Enid Blyton story with a happy ending for all.

I asked her what if you don’t get along? What if they children are ill behaved and distinctive (through trauma of what’s happened of just because they are like that anyway)? What if they are disgustingly messy people? What if they aren’t very nice? What if you hate each other?

She just laughed and said she’s sure they would all be lovely and that they would be so greatful it would all run smoothly.

The world isn’t all hearts and roses. Just because someone has had to flee a war zone, it doesn’t suddenly make them a saint. I’d still be an utter arsehole who is impossible to live with in that situation, my toddler would still constantly be on
distruct mode.

People are people and we don’t all get along well together, that’s just life. Not all families are “lovely”.

I only hope that people aren’t going into this with their eyes shut and looking for praise, or even worse, expecting them people they host to bow
at their feet constantly like they are their saviours.

*destructive, not distinctive

If I was fleeing my home the last thing I'd want is to have to be a guest in the home of total strangers who don't speak a word of my language.

No. The last thing you'd want was you and your kids dying from exposure / captured by traffickers / killed by bombs.

A home with clueless and bumbling but well-meaning foreigners, without a word of Ukrainian or Russian, is still going to be far from the worst case scenario.

@Pandypuff

YABU. God forbid anyone try to be nice these days.

The genuinely helpful, that's fine.

The ones doing this to take advantage of someone, either through working them or other means? No.

The ones doing this to get likes and stuff on fb? No.

Unfortunately many fit into the latter two categories. The last one will be on here, fb or somewhere else within a few weeks whining about the family they are 'helping'.

The ones taking advantage are just nasty people.

Not everyone is being nice I'm afraid. Some are and thank god for them. I suspect most are not and most don't understand what they are volunteering for, or are just seeing the amount of money they get from the government.

I agree OP. The ones with single men wanting to host have red flag all over them. And to be frank they shouldn’t allow single men to host anyway.

These women are vulnerable and need to have safeguards in place so I would say that placing them in a home with a man is not ok. And I am almost certain that most of these men are doing this for an ulterior motive thinking they will strike up a relationship with one of these women.

So I would think the government would stipulate only families or other single women could host considering these are mostly women and children.

If not then there are going to be reports of rape and coercion and human trafficking coming out of this. There are already reports of human traffickers taking advantage of the women and girls at the polish border.

Is there any way to report those posts and get someone to actually look into the background of people offering homes? Even families should be checked because just because a man is married does not mean is is not a predator.

@Divebar2021

I honestly think that it would be ok for maybe a couple of weeks but I can foresee huge problems on the horizon for these poor souls

I’m not going to be critical about anyone offering this because we need people in the world prepared to do something. I don’t know if this is the thing that’s needed but I’m concerned some hosts may really not be prepared for the reality. Hosting is for a minimum of 6 months and up to 3 years. I don’t think some people have necessarily factored that in.

Thats a big issue, they have not. many are just thinking about the immediate gratification of having social media likes.

Will they think the same way in 6 months? or 1 year?

@ABitBesotted

If I was fleeing my home the last thing I'd want is to have to be a guest in the home of total strangers who don't speak a word of my language.

No. The last thing you'd want was you and your kids dying from exposure / captured by traffickers / killed by bombs.

A home with clueless and bumbling but well-meaning foreigners, without a word of Ukrainian or Russian, is still going to be far from the worst case scenario.

Agreed! Well said.

I do agree OP, I worry about people getting exploited. I’m not sure what the solution is though? These people have lost their homes. I can’t see that they are going to be found permanent housing quickly due to the amount of uk citizens already waiting to be housed and I don’t know when/if they will be able to return to the Ukraine.

I feel a little weird about how it’s being done, almost like re homing dogs, advertising yourself to people (ad a refugee and as a sponsor). I can’t imagine how scary it must be having to move in with strangers that don’t speak your own language, children having to settle into someone else’s home and a new school environment. But what other options are there?

I know a lot of ordinary families who are fairly well off and are able to offer really great accomodation - self contained 1 bed flats over garages previously used for au pairs etc.

A lot of people genuinely do want to help.

It's not comparable to homeless people in the UK as there's already a lot of state support in place for ordinary families in that situation. Many rough sleepers in the UK have bigger issues around substance abuse etc that go beyond just a need for housing.

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”
This is an absolutely massive issue. I am settled in the UK for quite a long time now, but my profile on social media does say I am from Ukraine originally... and the profile picture the flag and all. You simply won't believe how my inbox is looking at the moment! And it is not like I am even young or attractive. I seriously am thinking about reporting it somewhere.

I work with homeless people on the street.... I help them with mental health issues, getting them into hostels, I've spent christmasses hosting homeless people in my home and yes I've given up one of my rooms in my house to help people. Thank you for assuming though.

In that case you should know not to equate people housing refugees to people housing the homeless in the UK. Do you really think it's the same thing?

The best thing would be if people that have more than one home or happen to have one going spare could be considered first, or at least those with a separate annex, so that the refugess can just have their own space rather than living
i with
someone, which is totally different.

Thanks to xpologog for saying exactly what I feel and exactly why our family has signed up!

The concern about “ man has room for woman in her 20s. Child no problem” is one reason I’ve offered a room. I know people will be safe here with me.
Don’t have a trampoline, jacuzzi, an orchard or retrievers, just a clean, warm room and a non-predatory host.

350 quid wouldn’t cover the extra bills. Food electric, oil, loss of council tax discount. Big no from me.

I'm very worried that women and children are going to be exploited or have already been. Random people are offering their box room without any sort of vetting or checks... There are all sorts of men out there who will be more than happy to take full advantage of this situation. Who will women turn to if they're in an area where no one speaks their language and their "host" makes them feel uncomfortable?

@Pasithea

350 quid wouldn’t cover the extra bills. Food electric, oil, loss of council tax discount. Big no from me.

But you don’t need to feed them, only provide a rent- and bill-free space. I think 350 is quite a lot. Don’t know about council tax discount though.

I've looked at that site. I didn't see anyone talking about a hot tub. I did see people talking about dogs and being rural. A lot of that is to do with practical stuff. They have a warm tone and trying to be welcoming

@Rosehugger

I work with homeless people on the street.... I help them with mental health issues, getting them into hostels, I've spent christmasses hosting homeless people in my home and yes I've given up one of my rooms in my house to help people. Thank you for assuming though.

In that case you should know not to equate people housing refugees to people housing the homeless in the UK. Do you really think it's the same thing?

Why's that Rosehugger? Are UK homeless contemptuous and less worthy of your golden retrievers and rural idyll?