People offering rooms to refugees

[Decorbreadthegingerate]

Been on a page that’s trying to match Ukrainian refugees with potential sponsors (weighing this up personally, as we do have room, but wondering if taking in a traumatised person so far from home may do more harm than good and there are more effective ways to help). Anyway - so many of the posts just make me feel a bit weird. Lots of self-congratulatory, saviour complex stuff e.g ‘hello darling, we live in beautiful [random town far from a city] and have a trampoline and a hot tub a huge garden and three lovely golden retrievers. Our children can’t wait for a playmate and we would love to welcome you and your little one into our happy home’ (insert cheesy Christmas pyjama family photo because that’s going to make a woman whose been separated from her partner and loved ones feel great)

And that’s before you get to the dodgy posts from single men who have a spare room in their dingy, dirty flat for “a woman in their 20s or 30s”

AIBU to think that it’s all a bit unseemly (genuine folk aside) and wrong

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Crimesean well, in the same position, I’d consider whether it was a good idea to expose my children to well-meaning but unfamiliar faces and a different language and culture so very suddenly. I’d prefer for us to have privacy and the right support to find our feet on our own terms. I’d prefer some dignity. I’d prefer to make my own connections in my own time.[/quote]
Yes, I think you make good points there.

We've been able to offer a whole floor with private sitting room and bathroom, so hopefully we won't all be on top of each other all the time (a woman + 2 little kids are coming imminently). She speaks English but I don't think the kids do. I'll enquire about any local groups for Ukrainians. Re: culture, DH is Eastern European anyway, from a neighbouring country to Ukraine, which has a very similar culture, but I take your point - the UK is a very different place!

I do think there are cultural elements people haven’t thought through at all. About things like people smoking, food, hygiene, safety.

*Personally speaking though, if I were fleeing my home country, I’d want a private, self-contained space for me and my family to pause and take stock rather than someone with their mad retrievers and god complex trying to gee me up. I’d want privacy, away from scrutiny and the need to feel grateful to anyone or put on a brave face.

I would want to live in a city where I would be close to people from my community and have access to some sort of social work + psychological support.*

OP, this is your personal preference. Research some of the stories of refugees who have settled very well in communities across Wales. Everyone is different and it's important that a range of homes are on offer to suit individual needs and preferences.

But they arent available and no sign that they will be any time soon. So until they are refugees from Ukraine can only decide if what's on offer is better than whatever they have now. If they decide a room in the uk is better, who are you to say otherwise?

I am literally just waiting for the LinkedIn posts in two weeks time of here we all are with our Ukrainian refugee who we just happened to have offered a job to developing software for cheaper than we can get it done in Estonia at the moment. Oh and she works from our home so we’ve gotta her doin 15 hours a day.

I have family and friends who have fled Ukraine over the last few weeks. They don't want to start a whole new cushy life in a faraway country. They want to stay as close to the border as they can so they can go back as soon as possible and be accessible to their male relatives who are still there, in the army. They'd rather stay in a country culturally similar to Ukraine, where there is already a big Ukrainian diaspora, and the language is slightly more understandable. They have been welcomed so warmly by the Polish community they are staying with and being provided for in every way, but this is like a plaster on a massive gash. They are utterly heartbroken to have left their country behinf amd are determined to not get comfortable in a foreign land, clinging to the hope that they can return as soon as it's safe, even if their country is in ruins.

@THisbackwithavengeance

I agree. The whole thing stinks. Unvetted predators hosting traumatised and vulnerable refugees and - conversely- kindly, well meaning and naive people letting God knows who into their homes.

And don't get me started on the FB bragging and GoFundMes for people claiming to be hosting 24 families in their 3 bedroom council flat.

The scheme is (necessarily) reactive, poorly thought through & is being badly implemented. It will become a SM 'bandwagon' with all it entails.

I am not in a position to offer a place under the Govt criteria.
But If I were I would 'take the chance' that it helped a person in need.

Any word from professional virtue signaller Gary Lineker?

It is reasonable to have concerns about taking in a refugee, and about the system in general that could be used to exploit vulnerable people.

I have 2 spare bedrooms but live in the middle of nowhere (which might be a problem for a refugee), live alone (my family would be concerned about my vulnerability, and have health problems. Am I the right person to be doing this? I am wrestling with this at the moment.

Taking in a refugee needs to be done with eyes open.

This is just a convoluted way to tell us you think Christmas pyjamas are chavvy, isn't it?

Yes I take everyone’s points that some refugees may indeed prefer to stay and integrate with a family and that we need to act quickly. What I take issue with is 1) that a number of people are centering themselves in someone else’s traumatic situation for the feels and 2) that the emphasis on providing rooms in private homes will stop or slow down more considered, evidence-based humanitarian support

@MushroomCow99

YANBU. Human traffickers will be rubbing their hands with glee. Lots of people are doing it for a well done pat on the back you can tell and have no idea what they are getting themselves into.

And again... if they're so welcoming why didn't they offer their home to a homeless person beforehand?

Sorry but this 'homeless' argument really grinds me, offering your home to a displaced family is not the same as offering your home to someone off the street with a host of mental and addiction problems

@MrsSkylerWhite
think an awful lot of people really haven’t thought it through at all

I’m sure the vast majority of people of people are well intentioned. But there’s been such overwhelming and emotionally charged media coverage of this particular conflict that I think it’s possible that a few people have just got swept up in the “we must all do something” mentality and are making a gesture they may not be capable of seeing through. Becoming a foster or adoptive parent is a laborious process for good reason. I think the public’s financial generosity being used to fund the renting/acquisition of buildings/hired hostels/ hotels/public spaces where Ukrainians can be accommodated together in the mid-term would be better.

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Pyri “The facilities you suggest aren’t possible” - they should be and they could be.

Plus I certainly won’t be doing nothing. And your “that will keep them warm at night” is pretty silly.[/quote]
Not as silly as you being unable to demonstrate what you’ve done that’s in any way practical or useful; but instead just being critical

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Crimesean well, in the same position, I’d consider whether it was a good idea to expose my children to well-meaning but unfamiliar faces and a different language and culture so very suddenly. I’d prefer for us to have privacy and the right support to find our feet on our own terms. I’d prefer some dignity. I’d prefer to make my own connections in my own time.[/quote]
Please read your own post back.

'Prefer' 'prefer' 'own terms' 'own time'

What exactly do you think fleeing war is like? How much do you think peoples preferences come into what happens to them?

Do some reading about what being a refugee is actually like. It's about survival, not preferences. That's not how it works.

Are you so privileged you can't even hypothetically picture a situation where you have to make do instead of having your preferences and timeline catered to?

Stay out of it if you want to, but don't think you're better than the people actually trying. And BTW, you not helping doesn't mean the care offered to refugees will be better or more thoughtful or informed. There will just be slightly less of it than if you had helped.

@Tsuni

This is just a convoluted way to tell us you think Christmas pyjamas are chavvy, isn't it?

The girl in the final of the apprentice he’s hoping the Alan Sugar is going to sponsor her entire business of matching pyjamas not just for Christmas but for life

@Pyri I don’t want or need to demonstrate. It’s not about me. If you want to believe I’ve done sweet FA then go ahead. It makes no difference either way.

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Meadmaiden how telling that you infer my lack or desire to tell you all the great things I have done implies I have done nothing. Maybe I just think an anonymous post on a forum describing all my amazing good deeds is neither here nor there.[/quote]
Yes, so unwilling to say what you have done personally to help, but yet so willing to criticize others who are trying to help

Pat yourself on the back here, op. You are trying to virtue signal by stealth, but really aren't coming across well.

I honestly think that it would be ok for maybe a couple of weeks but I can foresee huge problems on the horizon for these poor souls

I’m not going to be critical about anyone offering this because we need people in the world prepared to do something. I don’t know if this is the thing that’s needed but I’m concerned some hosts may really not be prepared for the reality. Hosting is for a minimum of 6 months and up to 3 years. I don’t think some people have necessarily factored that in.

@Donra

If I was a female refugee with a child I’d be quite happy to see a photo of a family with a nice home and garden. It’s probably the safest place to be housed.

But you can bet the traffickers will know that too. I'll hazard a guess that they'll have "nice family photos" to look legitimate.

@Ivyonafence well my (still-living) grandparents are refugees so I have some idea of how they felt, but that doesn’t prove much anyway.

Are you so privileged you can't even hypothetically picture a situation where you have to make do instead of having your preferences and timeline catered to? this is very sad to read. I don’t want those coming over here to have to ‘make do’. We owe them more than that. There’s a difference between reacting promptly to a crisis and throwing stuff their way that will do more harm than good.

I work for a charity who support women and children refugees. They’re mostly Syrian and Afghan, and live in hostel hotels which cost the taxpayer a lot of money. This money goes to private companies profits, and the state of the accommodation and food and other supplies are appalling. For example, the companies are means to give them toiletries and have found the cheapest way to do this is to give each family a sachet of body wash and shampoo every 3 days. Yes, 1 sachet of each per room every 3 days… and many of them arrived having got nits and bedbugs en route.

Most of the staff are males and when they knock on the door it has to be opened within 10 seconds so they can do “checks”. Most of the women are too scared to undress.

Women and children sometimes go missing. We are trying to chase up where they are and what has happened and no-one wants to know.

The companies are not welcoming to charities and it’s hard to get access - basically depends on whether local council will push for third sector involvement or not.

I don’t doubt that women and children will be trafficked and abused via private homes too. But if I had to flee with my kids, and had any kind of choice, I’d opt for a family home rather than one of the hostels. Indeed there are families in the hostels begging whether they can be transferred through the new scheme.

But it’s not an offer to make lightly if you have a spare bedroom and no-one should feel guilty for not doing so. (Focus on what you can do rather than what you can’t.)
If you can help with a room, try to find a personal connection through your extended networks. The more you and the refugee/s you can house know about each other, and have in common (such as same profession or religion etc) the higher chance of success. Don’t expect them to be continually grateful. Don’t expect them to do your cleaning or even manage to clean up after themselves. Don’t expect them not to have caught nasty critters on their traumatic journey. A wide range of behaviour would be considered “normal” for someone who has undergone so much trauma; be a safe and warm space to land and put your own needs aside. Try to have a back up plan for any high pressure parts of your own life (such as if their kids scream all night, your teenager could go to sleep with grandparents while taking GCSE exams) as it’s a 6 month commitment, minimum.

I have probably not done very much in the way of great, wonderful, compassionate deeds. A bit of voluntary work once.

Does it make the point less valid somehow? Do the only people we need to listen to have had to have ‘served’ in some way? Because I find that really bizarre.

[quote Decorbreadthegingerate]@Pyri I don’t want or need to demonstrate. It’s not about me. If you want to believe I’ve done sweet FA then go ahead. It makes no difference either way.[/quote]
Great, I’ll conclude then that you’ve done nothing but criticise. Perhaps you’ve donated a tenner to a relief fund to make yourself feel like you’re able to dole out judgements for other people trying to help.

Gotcha.

@Pyri

Why would that make a difference to the argument?