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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My cousin went travelling and nobody ever heard from him again

360 replies

Verity226 · 17/03/2022 22:17

My grandparents were his legal guardians and brought him up. When he was in his 20's (I was around 8 then) he said he wanted to go travelling in America so they helped him with some money and off he went saying he'd be back soon.

He never wrote, never called and never came back. Nobody ever heard from him again. It broke my grandparents hearts and they spent their final years worrying about him and whether he was OK. None of his friends ever heard from him again either. He completely disappeared off the face of the earth and there was no trace of him online (I looked every few years out of curiosity)

It has been 20 years since he vanished now.

Last year I signed up to ancestry and was looking at the family tree. I stumbled across something, I can't remember what exactly it was now, but it showed that he (his name) had an accounts and had recently been on there either researching the family or adding something to the tree.

I sent him a message through the site asking how he was and telling him a bit about my life, how I've had children etc. I gave my email address and said he could contact me if he wanted to be in touch. I didn't hear anything back.

What reasons could somebody have to want to dissappear like that and never speak to their family again? I was only a child when he left but I remember having a lovely relationship with him and seeing him as something of a big brother.

He obviously wants to be left alone which is his right but it's so confusing.

Do you think there's something I don't know? Confused

OP posts:
Febrier · 18/03/2022 07:32

It's all been quite a quick turn of events on this thread, hasn't it?

Well done at remembering your Ancestry login details OP. A lot of people don't get replies to Ancestry messages because people use it for a short while and then never log in again. I think it's very unusual that he had a username that was his actual full name.

Hmm, the sceptic in me wonders if he is looking for a share in an inheritance....

This really annoyed me. For those of who have searched and found our biological family I think any suspicion along the lines of "she might be after your money" says more about you than it does about us.

As for @Bollix's contributions, I have no words.

Latenightreader · 18/03/2022 07:38

My school best friend disappeared when we were 21. We had grown less close after starting university, but I’d been to her 21st picnic in the park that summer. In the autumn I had a phone call which sounded like a pocket dial, and never heard from her again. She cut ties with everyone. I tried a couple of routes of contact over a few years, but had to accept she didn’t want anything. A year or so ago a mutual friend came across her work profile, which has her phone number and email address, and although I’d love to get in touch I’m leaving it alone. I still miss her and worry about her 20+ years on. Cut connections can be really hard, especially when the reason is unclear, but if you extend an arm and it isn’t taken you are right not to push.

Curtilage · 18/03/2022 07:39

I don’t think it’s all that unusual, tbh. My uncle, reputedly a popular, sociable, sporty type, emigrated from Ireland to London to find work in the 60s after a romantic rejection. At first he wrote and visited home annually. Then all contact stopped. Another uncle went over to look for him, talked to former employers and landladies etc, and contacted the police,but it seemed he had vanished. He kept trying, but it was only 30 years later, after the deaths of both their parents, that he was traced by a Mancunian priest who worked with the Irish community there, and had a ticket home bought for him. He was a wreck of a man.

The reasons, insofar as anyone ever understood them — from information about his circumstances when found, he never spoke about it — were very sad, and included being kept as a slave and a long period in a psychiatric hospital.

Other family members emigrated to the US and were never heard of again.

Lovemusic33 · 18/03/2022 07:40

This has happened in my family too, my cousin who was/is quite a bit older than me, as soon as he reached 18 (possibly before) he disappeared and no one seems to have any contact with him. There was rumours he had got involved in drugs but I’m not sure how true that is. I have tried to find him through social media and found nothing. I think there must have been more going on with his parent/s then anyone else knew but I’ve always found it odd that no one talks about him.

Curtilage · 18/03/2022 07:40

@Febrier

It's all been quite a quick turn of events on this thread, hasn't it?

Well done at remembering your Ancestry login details OP. A lot of people don't get replies to Ancestry messages because people use it for a short while and then never log in again. I think it's very unusual that he had a username that was his actual full name.

Hmm, the sceptic in me wonders if he is looking for a share in an inheritance....

This really annoyed me. For those of who have searched and found our biological family I think any suspicion along the lines of "she might be after your money" says more about you than it does about us.

As for @Bollix's contributions, I have no words.

Indeed to all this.
Latenightreader · 18/03/2022 07:41

I wrote that post last night - no idea why it only posted this morning and of course the thread has moved on. I’m glad he got in touch OP.

zafferana · 18/03/2022 07:43

Remember it was rather easier to to lose contact with people before email and mobile phones.

Twenty years ago was 2002 and I can assure you @CollyFleur that both email and mobile phones existed by then! I had an email account from 1993 onwards and my first mobile in 1997.

DancingBarefootOnIce · 18/03/2022 07:43

I agree about being cautious in talking with him. I think it’s mean to just abandon people like that with no word. Sure there could be a backstory with grandparents you don’t know but what about his friends who still wonder about him. It’s unlikely everyone in his life deserved that treatment.

I’d also be cautious if it is really him.

HaggisBurger · 18/03/2022 07:47

@Verity226

He's living in the states and has been for 14 years, he said he has tried to get back in touch with the family but hasn't been able to. So many questions!

He knows that our GP'S passed away as he was able to find the information online, he has asked me how that came to be and expressed his sadness at not having the chance to say goodbye.

He has given his email address and asked if I have any photos of our GP'S to remember them by.

Wow I'm speechless. I did not expect to log in to find that.

Ah this is lovely. Expecting to see Nicky Campbell & Davina now 😀😂 Some similarities in my family regarding long lost cousins and people emigrating never to be seen again. I’m really glad for him you and your mum. Hopefully everyone can find some healing! You sound lovely so I’m sure you will tread carefully with how you communicate with him as he may be feeling guilty. Enjoy catching up 😀
Zonder · 18/03/2022 07:47

Pleased for you. Hope you get some answers now to your questions.

Febrier · 18/03/2022 07:48

Well it’s a mystery isn’t it?

What’s weird is that your grandparents, parents or other family never alerted the police that he’d disappeared. That’s really weird. Makes me think they knew he’d disappeared by choice… OR…they MADE him disappear. I’d be checking your patio.

Yes, a complete mystery. OP will never, ever know the truth, but at least due to your post she'll be suspecting her late beloved grandparents of murder.

Hairyfairy01 · 18/03/2022 07:50

Has he sent you any photos of himself OP? Are you 100% sure it's the right person?

TheWomandestroyed · 18/03/2022 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Pumperthepumper · 18/03/2022 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

mjf981 · 18/03/2022 07:54

I know someone who did this. He was gay, and couldn't face coming out to his large conservative homophobic family. So fled to the other side of the world and just started all over again. Has not spoken to any of them since the day he left. Seems happy enough over here with a wide circle of friends and a decent job. From what I gather, he suspects his parents suspect who he truly is and were happy to see the back of him Sad

MurmuratingStarling · 18/03/2022 08:05

@Figrollface

You'd wonder why he would sign up to that site if he wished to never have contact with his family again?
This. I wondered that too. ^

Also, if it wasn't him, why did he not contact the OP and say 'sorry, wrong person.'

I would contact him a couple more times if I were you @Verity226But I do agree with pp, that he possibly had abandonment issues, and there could have been abuse or anything, and it's possible he DIDN'T go to America.

I personally would contact him one or two more times, then leave it be.

marqueses · 18/03/2022 08:05

@ClaryFairchild

Hmm, the sceptic in me wonders if he is looking for a share in an inheritance....
Yes because registering on an ancestry site on the off chance that a long lost relative might some day stumble across you is the best way to do that

The OP has already said a friend of his found her on facebook, no need for convoluted schemes

Good to hear that you're started contact OP, maybe you will find some answers.

MurmuratingStarling · 18/03/2022 08:08

@Verity226

Jesus Christ! I've just logged in to my ancestry account and he HAS messaged me back. It's him! I didn't get a direct email to my Gmail which I sent him so I assumed he didn't want to know.

Oh wow.

He's alive and well

Oh shit! I need to RTFT - or at least the OP's posts!

Sorry, and I am am pleased he has contacted you. Smile

marqueses · 18/03/2022 08:08

@TheWomandestroyed

What an amazing coincidence, and in the space of two hours a 20 year old mystery is apparently solved.
Do you not know that pretty much the only rule here is no trollhunting. Rather than posting what you think is a clever comment you're meant to click the report button

These kind of posts are tiresome

MurmuratingStarling · 18/03/2022 08:14

@Verity226

He's living in the states and has been for 14 years, he said he has tried to get back in touch with the family but hasn't been able to. So many questions!

He knows that our GP'S passed away as he was able to find the information online, he has asked me how that came to be and expressed his sadness at not having the chance to say goodbye.

He has given his email address and asked if I have any photos of our GP'S to remember them by.

Wow I'm speechless. I did not expect to log in to find that.

Wait, what? He tried to get in touch 'with the family' but 'hasn't been able to...^ How has he not been able to?

As a few posters have said, something is a bit off here. Are you sure it's him ??? @Verity226

Forumqueen · 18/03/2022 08:19

Surely if he wanted to get in contact he could have- worse comes to worse, I assume you grand parents never moved he could have just come back home??

MurmuratingStarling · 18/03/2022 08:20

@TheWomandestroyed and @Pumperthepumper I agree with @marqueses it's not cool to troll-hunt. And it's certainly possible that this man could have contacted the OP during the duration of the thread. It's not like she said he's just turned up at her door!

And so what if she quickly updated the thread before telling anyone else? It's hardly surprising as it was midnight! Most of her family would have been asleep in bed!

x2boys · 18/03/2022 08:26

You can only really speculate
20 years ago was the early 2000,s so not that long ago we had mobile phone,s and the internet although they were in their infancy ,maybe he was jailed
Maybe he was gay and didn't feel he could come out to your grandparents ,there could be any number of reasons .

whytcvv · 18/03/2022 08:26

@Hairyfairy01

Has he sent you any photos of himself OP? Are you 100% sure it's the right person?
This
EarringsandLipstick · 18/03/2022 08:30

@Im2022

Well it’s a mystery isn’t it?

What’s weird is that your grandparents, parents or other family never alerted the police that he’d disappeared. That’s really weird. Makes me think they knew he’d disappeared by choice… OR…they MADE him disappear. I’d be checking your patio.

Quite apart from not RTFT, do you even realise how offensive this is? If it's a joke, it's in really poor taste; and if it's serious, it's a horrible thing to post.